Addicted
 

Why must I be so addicted :(

It's been three months now since the last cut. It's actually been better than I thought, but I go through phases where it's all I think about...these phases are getting longer :\

I keep thinking about 2 things in particular. TRIGGER I have this memory of me sitting looking at my thighs, which were all nice and thin at the time, and they have shallow cuts all over and I just feel this great sense of satisfaction. They looked nice. And also, about this dream my friend told me she had that stopped her self harming. She was sitting reading in the dream, and someone came up from behind her and took her wrist in his hand and with a pair of scissorscut into her wrist, and cut the veins inside her wrist in half.She said that stopped her from cutting again, but I can't stop thinking about it and it's pretty much doing the opposite.

I had this craft knife in my pencil case that I took from school to use for my graphics technology products that I needed to finish at home, and having it there made me feel better. I never used it on myself, I just...liked having it. But I put it back in the store cupboard because I was worried I would use it. Now I feel kind of weaker. Having it there and knowing I didn't plan to use it made me feel stronger...is that weird?

Sorry, this was long and pointless. I don't even have anything to cut OVER. I just miss it.

I understand what you're saying, sweetie.
I also feel better when I have "something there", it's not weird at all to be honest. I think it's 'normal' among self-harmers.
Is there anyone who you could talk with about these dreams? <3

Thank you :)

And, I don't know...I've been thinking about telling my best guy friend, because I normally tell him everything. I just don't want him to worry and I think he gets a bit...not exactly annoyed, maybe just a bit exasperated with me when I complain a lot.
My 2 other closest friends have quite a lot going on at the moment, and I don't want to stress them out even more.

I think I will tell my guy friend though because I'm starting to feel really stressed out. I've been shaking for about an hour for no real reason.

Awhh good.
You know if you feel you can't talk to him, you could always ring a helpline such as a childline for a chat. :D x