I can't cope. Desperate.
 

Im writing this while I'm still rather depressed and upset. So I am sorry. I will rant. Sorry again.

I don't know if anyone has seen, I got turned down for DLA, and I rang today, while on the phone I got really upset and all my problems came flooding out. I told him that I can't leave the house due to my OCD, as I need to be where there is no germs, where there is a shower and where there is handwash, also that I'm scared incase I go out, someone might die infront of me, or something horrific like that will happen. I also said I can't leave due to my sexual abusers, as they may come after me or I may see one, as they all live in my area.

I also said due to my OCD, I can't cook. Due to me hating bad smells on me. I constantly think I smell. I hate cooking, as I get that smell on me ):.
I also have a very low tolerance to hair. I am always shaving myself and making myself rather sore, so I spend most of my day washing and shaving.

I then seen I got turned down for not needing constant care. Which I think is bullshit, why should I stop my fiance from working, we could NOT afford it. I do need constant care and supervision, as Im very suicidal and self harm ALOT, but I do not expect him to leave work for me.

I also noticed today how much my dad mentally abuses me, and this is so so so hard for me to write. I don't like to admit he does this to me, as I love him so much, but he really drags me down. I dont realise until hours after. He wears me down. He puts me down. Like today, I was crying to Liam on the phone. And I came off and asked if they'd (my mum and dad) write me a support letter, he straight away said "No, why should we, you tell us **** all". I was like, Ok i'll leave it at that. Then I was sat there and he said "So what you were crying about earlier on, what the **** was that about". He then went on to say "Where do your letters go then?", I said Liam's, as he ALWAYS opens my mail. And he said "Why the **** do you send them there?". I didn't answer back, as Im SO scared of him. I constantly feel I'm walking on egg shells with him. I can never relax when he's around me. Like im always doing something wrong.

Im sorry its long. Im so so desperate, I'm looking at suicide. I want to cut all the bad out. I want to stop feeling their fingers inside. I want to see all the bad pour out. Im sad. Im tired. I want it all to end.
x:crying:

apply again and ask your doctor for help...i've read all of this...and i find it odd...
i got granted dla middle rate...
i SH and have depression...on some meds...they went through my medical records...so i dunno what they found that i obviously don't know about...
but keep moaning at them and ask your doctor?

I re-appealed. Im going to book to see my doctor.
Am I wasting precious time though at the docs, for people who actually need it?
x

no, becase you need it....i'm surprised i got granted it tbh...especially at the middle rate..

I really think you should appeal.


the fact you have a fiance shouldn't mean you don't need care :/ my boyfriend is classed as my carer as we live together i don't pay him and he is out 9-7 at uni everyday. I don't think anyone want you to even think about making him give up work.


could it be possible that you played down your issues on the form a bit? I really do not understand why they have turned you down... I mean I'm fairly sure that being unable to cook a meal alone qualifies you for the lower care rate

They should of contacted your doctor. Ask him if they did and also what he wrote. Do you have other MH professionals involved in your care?

I think I may of.
Im one of those people who think others deserve it before me.
I just don't like to take other people stuff up.
x

No, I haven't.
Im doing an online CBT, at the moment. Its ****.
x

Im sorry for wasting your time guys.
x

Why do you say that? People think you deserve it, so make that appointment with your doctor and get them to help you. I know it is hard to fight when you are ill. Could your boyfriend not go with you?

you're not wasting time.

Do you have any MH type people who you've seen in the past? Maybe you could write to them and ask for them to write letters of support.


I also think speaking to yuor doctor could be a good idea. But I can see how with OCD going to a doctor could be difficut... but in the long run it could be helpful

Im crying now. Im in so much emotional pain.
I can try and find someone. I'll look them up, hazel.

I will have to take my boyfriend.
Thankyou for your kindness everyone.
x

While you are at the doctors ask to be referred to a talking therapy. Tell him that you are doing the online CBT and you need more support.

It is getting late, so try and get some sleep. Let us know how it goes at the doctors. x

Thanks guys.
Hope my dad isnt as bad tomorrow.
x