Note to Self
 

NOTE TO SELF

Theres no point in you going and doing something like those tests youve struggled to do for years then go and do it and then invalidate the results by taking massive amounts of pills again afterwards like you just have.Idiot.

Your so stupid.

You cant live right.

You cant die right.

Pathetic.

This must be getting near the end.......surely.

How much more pathetic can you get?



End of note to self

You're not pathetic hun. You did really well to get the tests done and the doctors know you're still ODing so they'll take that into account most likely when they get the results too. You can't be expected to stop straight away and they know that *hugs*xxx

*hugs sweetie**
I just wanted to say that i hope things get better for you, & to give some cuddles.
Your not pathetic or stupid!

oh, sweetie *huggles lots*

you are far from pathetic - you have been incredibly brave to get the tests done at all, and you are accepting help. I know it is hard, and no one expects you to just stop taking the pills. I think they know you are most likely still taking them, so they should take that into account.

Yes, it would be nice if you could cut down the number you took, or stop taking them, but I know how hard that can be to think of, let alone do.

Can you talk to your psych or therapists about ways they can help with this at all?

Do you know when you will hear back re the results?

*Hugs* sorry, my brain is all over the place and I can not think of anything else to say, just, you know *hug*

Roiben x

you're not pathetic and what you did i don't think 'invalidates' the tests, it's justa reflection of how you feel at the moment, which though we'd all rather you didn't take the tablets, i'm sure we can also understand how difficult it is for you not to. anyway i'm a hypocrite, as you know, so shut me up. i'm here any time you want to vent xxx thinking of you

Thanks for all the replies.They mean a lot.Truly.

i know i cant just stop.i guess i know that deep down but ive just been feeling so bad about myself and when i feel like that then well i think i should be able to, and i think everyone else must think i should be able to too.

i feel bad about myself in general but so bad about this too.It just adds to my badness as a person.

I am trying to work with my Psychologist and CPN etc but my progress is generally very slow if at all sometimes right now.

i can talk to them about things when i have the energy and am physically well enough but it is hard for me to articulate things especially given the amounts of tablets im taking but also cos of everything emotionally too.It is too hard too articulate too much.

But i havent been able to talk to them much recently cos ive been in France.i will see the Psychologist Thursday afternoon though panicking about that especially cos ive not seen him for about two to three weeks now.Kind of got out of the swing of things when i was away i guess.And now it makes it even more scary i guess though i would be scared anyway.Dunno why though.Dont make sense but i am.

Things arent going well in my life and i am frightened of my therapy right now i guess.

It is difficult for me especially when im feeling so ill [though its my fault] but i guess it was never meant to be easy.

i also havent had much contact with my CPN due to my being away but she did come to the GP with me to hand in the urine sample and give moral support for me to have the blood tests done last Friday.

Then we had a drink and a chat in a cafe.Thank goodness!She was a star!But i couldnt talk about much at that point.

i had to concentrate on just doing the tests that day.

She is seeing me on Tuesday afternoon to ring the surgery for both of the results.

She is going to ring them with me.

They will probably be fine and then i will look an idiot for having feeling so ill and maybe theyll think i was lying about how ill ive been feeling.......that ive been feeling close to death.

And i will have failed to hurt myself too.

i dont know how i will take this.

i dont know i can cope with the results whatever happens.

i meant a short post here you know.

i was just gonna say this is stupid.

Things are reeally really out of control right now and if they continue like this i really am gonna be heading for real trouble.

i dont know why things are so out of control for me right now.

But they are now so out of control that its ridiculous.

But i cant stop for moments enough to get any sense of control back to this.

i cant stop.i cant stop long enough.....

im sorry im failing you all.

you're not failing anyone.
i'm sorry you're scared about the psychologist, but i hope you're not too scared to go back and talk to him because it soudns liek you coudl get somewhere with him.
i'm sorry things feel out of control too *hugs* just try to keep going best you can.
thinsg are so hard for you but you're taking steps forward even so and that's great, you're an inspiration :)

Thanks for the reply.

i am sorry i dont have the words to describe how the past few days have been for me or indeed how i am feeling right now and what is going on.

im sorry.i know that it makes it pointless posting.Please ignore this.i just felt the need to.

Even though i cant manage to say much.

sorry i've only managed to reply 3 days after u posted, ur not failing us, ur worthy of posting just as much as any1 else...ur a great person!

u do deserve to live!

* hugs*

sorry im not much cop at the moment!!

but im here if you ever need to tlk, u've always been there for me :-)

Hun, I'm sorry you're feelin' like this. You're not pathetic at all or an idiot. *hugs* Maybe try and get in contact with your CPN and ask to talk about how you're feelin? Hope you're alright.. I'm here if you need anything. xo.

thinking of you xxx

thinking o u chick xx

if ever you need anyone to talk to theres al these people on here!! randomly pm any of them and they will help you through your tough times!

YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL AMAZING PERSON!! I LOVE YOU!!!!

life is music, play it louder
bunsy xx

Thanks for all the kind words again.i know i keep saying it but they really do mean a lot to me.

Just to know that someones there.

Thats the thing that i must need to know right now.

Probably selfish but i think often maybe its the thing i most need anyway.

Just to know someones there sorry.

i see my CPN Tuesday.i will leave it till then - this was always going to be a difficult time with me and i should be able to cope.i see her so we can ring the surgery for the results of the urine sample/blood tests for the liver/kidney stuff.

im just really really struggling with everything as people can probably tell with me being up at this ungodly hour......im in the UK and its gone 3 in the morning.

ive just been doing a lot of thinking and things keep going round in my head.

By the way i forgot to update on things with the Psychologist after Thursday.Sorry kind of wasnt with it clearly when i last posted very much.

It was good to see him.He always makes me feel better.i struggled to say much of much significance.i sense he still knows im struggling though.

i might try and write to him again.i feel about it and wonder if its a cop out but i often find writing easier though that can be hard for me sometimes too.

i know he knows things are bad and im not keeping things from him as such but i worry though that if he realises how really bad things are i will lose him.

That worries me.

i couldnt cope with that right now.

He has given me another appointment for next Friday afternoon.Bit of a dilema though.i go to my parents/family in a different part of the country every other weekend pretty much.i am just getting to know them again after many years.Long story and my fault.i work mornings and thats the only afternoon he can do this week.i feel ireally really need my therapy right now and he has been so good to me but know also i have a lot of work to do with my family and i owe them a lot and have a lot of making up to do and already dont spend much time there.i dont know what to do.i will see how the start of the week goes and the CPN and results Tuesday but i get the feeling i will really be needing my therapy this week...

Also as i said to the Psychologist on Thursday i dont understand how i can be getting both better and worse at the same time.And im not comfortable with it.i dont understand this.

Other people have said to me before they dont understand me......well i dont either!

i dont understand this.im not comfortable with it.The two dont go together.Something is wrong.

Some parts of my life have got so so much better but then others are the worst theyve ever been and im putting myself in more serious danger than ive ever been.

i dont get it.

Like today i have taken tablets but also made the biggest order for tablets ive ever made [which goes into thousands - not from a regulated company] and i know over time i'll take them like i have all the rest.

How can i be getting better but also be getting so much worse?

i dont get it.

Is anyone else confused?

im clearly mad and stupid.

Or to quote from a comment a nurse made to a colleague once when i was in A and E when i used to go years ago and things werent quite so bad but still bad enough 'She REALLY IS nuts.'

Says it all really dont it.

Writing is not a cop out - infact, i think writing down how you're feeling and handing it to a professional is one of the most bravest things anyone can ever do when they're mentally unstable. Hell, i've been ill for over 2 1/2 years and i've only recently given my GP (who i've been seeing for a year and a half and work closely with - he's part of my care plan) my first ever letter, he told me how helpful it was and that i was brave for doing it and it made him understand how much i was struggling.

Writing is easier as i feel when you write you don't necessarily have to *think*, it just flows so much easier, whereas with therapy you always have to think about how to word things and how to answer questions - it's very difficult.

You aren't mad - you're simply struggling, and although i don't know your personal situation i can see you're doing your best to keep yourself afloat andfor that you should be applauded - and you should be proud of yourself.
Take care, PM me anytime
Laura x

Thanks thats very kind.

But in my case my effort is simply too little too late.

i havent wanted to live, i havent been trying to stay afloat for a long time before now.

Not really.

ive almost done everything to the opposite all the time in fact.

And now ive got myself into a situation which it would never be realistic for me to get out of.

And im still not sure i want to anyway even after all that!

im not denying that i/things can get better.....to a certain degree.

im sure they can.

In fact i know they can.

But i dont think it can be enough.

It wont be significant enough to stop my death.

It wont be enough.

i will still die.

And i know that deep down.

Not just cos im feeling bad.

Which leads me to think what am i even doing posting?

There cant be a lot of point in this situation....can there?

Sorry ignore me.im a waste of space.

please, i believe it's not too late and the steps you're taking to get better, even as things seem to be getting worse, will pay off, so that one day you will be ok. ok you'll die oen day but that day won't be soon. i'll keep believing it for you if you can't believe it. <3

*cuddles Kath lots and lots*

sorry I have not posted much (my head is not making sense of words and stuff much lately). I am glad you are still posting, and I know how hard it is to not take pills, and to work through everything, but you are doing amazingly and are being incredibly brave.

Is there any way you could cancel the big order you made? Or reduce the number. I know that is a big ask (I don't think I could get rid of my hoard, but you don't have it yet so it may be easier).

*hugs*
Roiben xx

Thanks for the replies.im sorry ive not updated for a bit.

The weekend was pretty nightmarish for me.Saturday night i was up all night and went through the night on RYL till nearly eight in the morning.There was no way i was gonna sleep.

Sunday i slept a bit and also had to meet up with my befriender.That was ok.We went for a drink and a meal in a pub in town.But about half way through the time we spent together i began to feel really physically ill again [more so than i do the majority of the time now lol].Really badly and so i was pretty silent which was difficult.We just sat there in silence a lot.i was struggling to stay with the world and also seriously thought i might be physically sick again so the last thing on my mind was making conversation at that time.i was even worried that if i just opened my mouth to speak sometimes it would just happen.

But anyhow eventually i felt a little better and we caught the bus home.It was just hard.He knows i have mental health problems, has Depression himself but i have him from an orgnisation for a seperate physical disability really.But it was just hard suddenly feeling so physically ill but i guess thats about right right now.

i feel a bit bad about how i was during that half of our meeting and apologised just saying i felt ill and tired but it just didnt feel like i could do anything else or dared to try and speak through it all at the time.

i just felt really ill.

im feeling really physically weak and am wondering if maybe going to the pub yesterday in town [a bus ride away] was maybe too much for me.Sometimes it seems like physically i can cope with going places doing things but other times i just cant manage it anymore.

i also slept a bit yesterday, last night and today probably trying to make up for Saturday night too a bit maybe.Though i still feel very tired and quite physically ill [though not as ill as i felt in the pub yesterday] though i have stomach pains today i didnt have yesterday and still feeling a bit sick at times too but thats life!

i am just so so tired.

i have to see my CPN tomoro for the results of my blood and urine tests for the liver and kidneys.She is going to ring the surgery when i am with her.

They will probably be fine and i will look a right idiot.

But i have been feeling so ill.But thats why i deserve anyway so why should it even matter.

It shouldnt.

im pathetic.

im sorry.

Roiben i understand what your saying about the cancelling the order and i did consider it but i think im gonna need them anyway.

im taking so much now that even if i manage to cut down id still be taking an awful lot realistically and it isnt realistic [or apparently safe for me just to stop] so probably gonna need them anyway and cheaper this way!

And even to reduce the order as this is not from a regulated company i could reduce it but the minimum would still be a massive amount of times more than a normal chemist etc on the high street would ever even consider selling you.

But i think i'll need them anyway.

And i know im not helping but im not sure i could ever allow myself to do that anyway.....to cancel something i had brought to help with my death.

im just so confused about everything right now.

Where im going, what i want....but often realistically it feels like only one part of me can win.

That part that wants me dead.

And Waiting In The Dark i am really geninely struggling to see that i could make enough of a difference to my life to stop my dying through all this in the end......i know i can some difference but not enough.So thank you for offering to believe that i can until i eventually get [hopefully] to the same place.

It means a lot to me.i just hope that i dont let you and everyone down.

Take care all.x

i don't have the words right now, but i read your update, and i'll be thinking of you tomorrow. best of luck xxx

Hi Kath, sweetie,

I am just checking in to see if you have had your CPN appointment yet, and if you have had your results. I know you may not feel like posting straight away, if you are anything like me, these appointments leave me in a daze for most of the day....

*cuddles* know I am thinking of you and wishing I could help, even if in just a small way. I am just a PM or e-mail away.

Roiben x

Hey Kath
I just want you to know that I think what you are doing is incredibly brave. I know how hard it is to stop taking tablets like that and to be able to talk to your cpn and psychologist about it is amazing. It really is and you should give yourself credit for that.
Hope the tests went ok today, let us know if you can.
Xxx

Thanks but i havent stopped......far from it.

But it doesnt matter now.Far from it.

IVE BEEN WASTING EVERYONES TIME.

Everythings fine.All the blood tests came back fine apart from lack of iron!

So im a waste of time and RYL should ban me.

i have no problem and it doesnt matter how many hundred i take cos it doesnt effect me.

i had even taken a very large amount before the appointment today but it doesnt even matter.

i want to die and i feel devastated.

i cried when my CPN told me.....and im still crying now.

But theres no point in my writing this anyway im just wasting all your time.

They might prescribe to me now though.

Which is good.

Hope they give me a lot.

But im not ill.Its all been a delusion how ill ive been feeling.How i feel ive only just been clinging to life.i and my body are just.....fine!

im just a time waster and it doesnt matter how many hundred i take at a time or how many thousands in total it does nothing to me so now no-one needs to worry do we.

It doesnt matter what i take anymore.

i text my Psychologist cos i probably shouldnt need help anymore and i shouldnt need anyone else either.

*massive hugs* you're not wasting our time, we care about you a lot and you don't have to have damaged your body before you're worth time.

i know you're feeling shit right now and i totally understand that, i've had the same feeling after ODing and the tests coming back fine, except for you it's probably much worse because on top of that you've been feeling so ill.

maybe you need to speak to your GP about why you've been feeling so ill, if it can't be explained by damamge caused by the ODing.

what did your CPN tell you apart from the results?

it might be good if they could give you meds now, maybe that would help you, but i'd hope you wouldn't OD on them.

maybe the fact that these tablets you've been taking haven't been killing you, could help you to stop taking them or to decrease how much you take, like the psychologist wanted.

you're not fine just because you're tests came back fine, and you don't have to pretend to us or anyone that you are. you are still deserving of help and support.

please don't let the results be an excuse to OD more, i know how bad ODing can make you feel emotionally if not physically.

i am surprised the tests came back clear when you've been feeling so ill but you have no idea how relieved i am. i am so glad you haven't been killing yourself as you hoped, even though you might be feeling the exact opposite right now. my mum says i have the constitution of an ox because my body's always undamaged from ODs. if that's the case you must have the constitution of Superman. i'm really really glad that you do and you'll be with us longer.

i'm here anytime, i'll do my best to be nice if you want to chat.

hope ur ok ur nt wasting ne1 times xx

Not really ok no.i want to die but it doesnt matter cos it wont do anything to me.

i know nobodys repllied so it probably doesnt matter anyway but just to say from contact with the CPN she couldnt get anyone to prescribe anything today.

But she talked to her team who all agreed they should give me anti-depressants and/or sleeping tablets.

They said they dont think a GP would prescribe to me cos of my history of serious suicide attempts and the amount of the medication im overdosing on at present [though it does nothing to me so doesnt matter in my book clearly.]

But apparently their psycharist will and i have been offered an appointment for next Wednesday [though dependent if i can attend this as during work time again].

i am so so glad.Someone will prescribe to me at last!

Cool.

I know you are upset the results came back ok but I am really glad and I hope one day soon you will be too. I am really pleased they will start prescribing you some medication to help you :)

When are you next seeing your CPN?

*lots of hugs*

Thanks.i see my CPN again Tuesday.Think she was a bit taken aback when i cried so much when i received the test results.And i had never cried in front of her even a bit before.

But i dont think shes that concerned so it will be ok.

Could do with some tablets though....

try not to OD more, whatever the blood results say, you know it makes you feel ill and that can't be good for you emotionally or physically. i hope it goes ok with the psych on wednesday and with your CPN on tuesday. and i think she should be concerned about you. sorry you feel so bad *hugs*

*cuddles Kath*

Glad the results came back mostly clear. Have they suggested anything for the Iron deficiency?

I know you are feeling horrible from hearing the results, but that does not in any way make you less worthy of help and support *hugs*

It is good that you have a psych appointment coming up, maybe you could talk to them about safe ways to cut down the amount you are taking. After all, even if they are not leaving long term results, they will still wipe you out as your body is putting so much effort into processing them all the time *squishes* Can you consider cuttin down on how many you take?

How did your CPN react to the results, did she offer your support - as you said you were crying at the results? *hug*

Sorry - my brain is a bit fuzzy today (I still ended up buying tablets today...) so I will try and reply properly later.

Stay with us, sweetie.

Roiben x

Hi all well now i have my Psychologist tomoro, CPN Tuesday [if the plan hasn't changed] and a Psycharist ive never met before [havent had one for a few years now] on Wednesday!

i will update more about all this and today including a visit to the doctors [which i originally found very difficult] in my new thread.Hope this is ok.i created a new thread as thought it might be easier but not sure now!

i am trying not to OD as much and am discussing about trying to limit pills to a certain number a day with my Psychologist etc and i am still working on this but i am feeling a bit of a failure right now with this and am finding this very hard cos of how i am feeling.

My CPN has been great.i know shes concerned.i was just trying to say before that i know she seemed quite taken aback understandably when i cried at the results but i dont think shes overly concerned though i do think shes concerned - this is a good thing for me though, id be more worried and scared if i thought she was over concerned as i really dont think she needs to be genuinely.

So sorry if i put that wrong and gave the wrong idea.

She did try and give me support when i cried at the results.When i was trying to hold in the tears she knew something was up and kept asking what and saying i seemed upset and then they all just came and in the end i had to tell her the truth.

ive never been like that in front of her before.i still feel bad about her.But maybe it gave her a chance to see me how i really am.i mean she knows i say i want to die and that ive hurt myself in the past and that also i take overdoses now but i rarely actually display my emotions in such a raw way as what happened there.

It usually feels too out of control for me to do that type of thing......but this time i just couldnt stop it happening and all the tears and words came flowing out, just tumbled out all at once.i didnt have a chance to think.

Still feel i must be a bad person for crying cos the test results came back mainly ok, crying cos i wished i was dead or dying.

i mean what kind of person does that?

And actually ends up showing it and falling apart in front of others?

i still feel the same way but hopefully my emotions are more in touch and under control now.

Hopefully i could not just break down like that again.

And that all just come out.

She asked me eventually when i calmed down a bit if i remembered how i reacted when i was in the poisons unit a few years back for a fortnight and the bloods came back ok etc [except for the level of medication in the blood hence the fortnight hospital stay] and its odd cos i remember crying a little bit when i was there on my own in my bed but nowhere near as much.And either people didnt notice or just didnt say anything.But it was nothing like this time.

i guess the feelings were just rawer this time.Things had got so much worse for me.

As i said above i will try and update more in my new thread but just wanted to reply to peoples comments here too.

ive really appreciated all the feedback.

i thought i needed a new thread but maybe i didnt!Hope i dont end up with two!Sorry.

Has anyone had any experiences like the one i described above which happened to me on Tuesday though?

i just felt so out of control.

But it was the real me talking through the tears.

Whether that makes me a bad person or not i guess.

It was me and how i usually am inside.

i just couldnt cope anymore.

you did nothing wrong in crying. it makes you feel vulnerable but you were in safe hands and you trust your CPN, right? crying because you're experiencing negative emotions is normal and healthy, it wouldn't have been good for you to hide it all inside. it's best that your CPN knows how you feel about this xxx

its ok to cry hunni. sending big hugs....

Thanks.

Yep i do trust my CPN as best i can but trust is hard for me in any circles.

i really dont feel ok or comfortable with it but i know that crying isnt wrong or unhealthy.

Its more what i was crying about that i feel makes me a sick, bad, disgusiting person.

to be honest, i'd have cried too. actually my last bad OD i did cry when the results came back clean. i can only imagine it'd be a hundred times worse for you.

*Hugs* im sorry that you felt so bad too.

As i say it had happened to me before but not to this extent by half.And i dont think anyone noticed when it happened in the hosp.If they did they didnt say.i wasnt crying so much then and tried to hide my face under the bed cover too when it was happening most of the time.

But this time was different.

i didnt like it.

Well i didnt like it....the last time....obviously.

But i mean was i didnt like this time how quickly i felt so so out of control of my emotions.

And they were just spilling it for all to see.

I mean i can write that i want to die.

But i can rarely show emotion around the subject even if im talking to people about wanting it [when i manage that].

i guess i just felt vulnerable.

Not cos of my CPN or anything.

She was brilliant.

But maybe because not only was i telling her but i was showing raw emotion and couldnt stop myself.

Its not something i usually do or that usually happens to me.

This all sounds pathetic.Can anyone understand?

The worst feeling for me right now though even after the past week and this thread in all.....is that deep down inside i still feel i must be a bad person cos of what happened there.

Cos i cried and cried real tears there cos i wished i was dead or at least seriously hurt...and i wasnt.

i cant stop thinking that makes me a bad person.

i cant see it any other way right now.

i genuinely really cant.

Even after a week.

It shows how bad i am.

How can i possibly not be bad after this?

i cried cos i hadnt managed to end my own life.

Or managed to head seriously that way.

Good people just dont do that.

They might think it [or do it in private]....but they dont show it even accidentally to the world.

That maybe part of them feels this way.

it's not bad to want to die or injure yourself, it's an indication of how much pain you're in. adn crying because of those feelings isn't bad either, it's a natural reaction, even if it's very rare for you. i know it's hard for you to believe but you're honestly not a bad person *hugs*

Thank you.