Emergency assessment - nervous *Updated* msg 25
 

I have an appointment to see a consultant psychiatrist tommorow. First thing and I'm really really worried about it. I've already seen one (yesterday) after my symptoms have gotten worse - I have a lot of things going wrong right now and no way out. I am really scared about what is happening to me and a part of me is really worried about this - I saw a psychiatrist at A&E last night and they have previously had a go at me - telling me my symptoms are a 'choice' and that I am a 'disgusting alcoholic' as you can imagine I was not happy to see him at all.

But he was different. Aside from one comment understanding. Although he did at the end ask if I was a risk to myself (I said yes) so he asked how and I told him and said in front of me he was quite happy for me to go home and I would be contacted today about an appointment and by my cpn (cpn didn't bother).

What I didn't expect was a call at 2pm telling me *unfortunately* this other psychiatrist couldn't see me this afternoon though the head consultant wanted me to see someone and was tommorow morning okay?

I'm scared to tell what I am seeing/experiencing. Because I have been told if I do then it will happen much more. Seeing them and them hurting me they've hurt me 3 times now and everytime I have had to kill them but they keep coming back. They aren't human. I'm worried they'll put me on meds that worsen my physical conditions - they are totally not understanding of the impact they have on me and treat them as totally minor (they aren't).

So yeah basically scared. In need of hugs. Words of support. I could think of nowhere else I could put this, please move if in wrong place.

x
Becca

Quote:

Originally Posted by Becca (Post 1232122) I have an appointment to see a consultant psychiatrist tommorow. First thing and I'm really really worried about it. I've already seen one (yesterday) after my symptoms have gotten worse - I have a lot of things going wrong right now and no way out. I am really scared about what is happening to me and a part of me is really worried about this - I saw a psychiatrist at A&E last night and they have previously had a go at me - telling me my symptoms are a 'choice' and that I am a 'disgusting alcoholic' as you can imagine I was not happy to see him at all.

i am sorry to hear things have been difficult for you and you have been struggling. they should not have said that to you. it is not your choice for feeling like this. i do not blame you for not being very happy about it, though well done for going to a&e i no how hard that can be. good luck with tomorrow hope it goes ok. *cuddles you* please do not hesitate to get in touch anytime you need to talk. xxx

I hope that this time they can really help. You need and deserve that help.

You have been struggling for a long time hun and keep being brushed off. Take a deep breath and tell yourself, you're just going to tell them how it is. Let them help you. You can only tell them what is going on. Don't let this appt pass you by and make you regret not having told them everything. Splurge, hun, splurge away. I really hope they help you this time. Thinking of you. *hugs*

By the way, in case you are wondering, I still don't hate you hun!

Thankies for your replies.

I am terrified of telling. I don't even know if I'll be able to cope with seeing them - I have literally ran away from appointments in the past couple of months because of being so scared. I either freak out and do a runner (and end up attacking trees - which isn't funny because if I saw people instead it would be them) or a wall descends that cannot be penetrated and I give the appearance of 100% in control, coping etc. Even if I am not.

So when I ask for help I always always always get told I should be worse than I am but am incredibly strong to have survived so long - which sounds patronising to me and like I should already be dead.

It's hard to read things like I still don't hate you! Because I do (hate me that is not any of you lovely lovely people who know more about me than anyone else does and are not disgusted by me).

I don't know when I'll be able to update this but someone here I know in rl might be able to update if I cannot. I don't want to leave this open ended.

x

I didn't mean to make my post hard to read hun. I wanted you to know how much I am behind you. I'm rubbish at telling them what I am really like and am only starting to learn. Things are better for me telling them. I want you to be able to get the help you deserve. Yes, you are strong, but that doesn't mean you don't need help. I know you need help and really hope you can tell them. Please, try not to run away and try and tell them hun. *fingers crossed*

[quote=no reason;1232277]I didn't mean to make my post hard to read hun. I wanted you to know how much I am behind you. [quote]

I know. I didn't mean to make you feel you shouldn't be supportive. It was me being stupid. I shouldn't have commented on it really - twas mean.

*kicks self for asking for support and then whinging about it!*

I will try not to run away

Do not kick yourself!

Hope you can let us know how things go.

I will be thinking of you - really!

*hugs*

Nah I gave up pretty quickly. Tis not a practical thing to do to be sure :-p

If I can't let people know I'll ask a friend to do a post. *hopes friend won't mind!*

I'll update if you want Becca =] x

*Looks sheepish cos you saw post before I asked you. Certainly appreciate the offer*

Becca, hun, this is going to be the start of you getting help, please just tell them the way it is. We are all thinking of you and hoping we are strong enough for you!
*hugs*

This is an update from Becca:

"Didn't know point in seeing me. Told me I'm coping. Not to try other organizations anymore and CPN will be told to reduce my sessions. I am a burden. Didn't even deny it. Told * meant was risk by choice. Them who follow and talk and hurt me because tired only and should ignore it. I won't be on going on RYL. He said do what I need to. Appointment 2nd of December but not going and will cancel CPN."

Oh :(

ffs. ffs. i don't know what else to say. this is totally wrong.

Becca hunny i hope that if you do come back you'll know that we love you and that this isn't your fault.

They make me so angry it hurts.

Sh*tness. Your CPN gp someone to be killed. Keep in txt contact with me Becca, I care a lot about you. Keep strong. X

That is a sh** thing for him to say. Totally out of order.

Oh Becca, hun. Agree with the above. Please try them.

Thanks for replies. I am back for a bit today. Still struggling a lot :-(

Hye becca,

That's pretty ****ty, but I just wanted to say I've been where you are SO many times - and I've come through, found a new team in a new area who are amazing, and things are so so much better. But for 3 years I just had nothing except A&E when stuff was bad. It won't necessarily always be like this, you never know what the future might bring, so don't give up too early yeah :)

*hugs*

Hey Becca,

I'm actually going to echo what Daffodil said, which may be a surprise! For two years when I had the CPN as you, I didn't have any support from CMHT. The only support I was getting was A&E and it was pretty flimsy really, especially as A&E and the police kept sectioning me and putting me on the ward. It was a chaotic mess and I know it has been the same for many other clients.
Then I met my new CPN and things changed. Other members of CMHT listened to me and stopped viewing me as a 'time waster' and actually took me seriously when I rung up - well most the time!
I'm lucky because I can do DBT but I doubt I would be doing DBT if I'd had previous CPN because he is just so rubbish with everybody.
Can you ask for a change of CPN? I remember that they mentioned something a while ago? Could you chase it up? I know it's the last thing you want to be doing when you are feeling so awful but a decent CPN with a good understanding of the practical issues you face would probably really help your situation.
I know it's unlikely that your practical difficulties would improve but I do think there is hope for you in regards to your mental health. You are a strong person even though you may not feel like it, you have to be strong to put up with CPN!!
I'm keeping my fingers crossed that at your next CPA, they are a little more useful. I definitely recommend getting advocacy, even if they are intertwined with CMHT which is ridiculous, I think it's worth it.

xx

I saw the head CPN today. My care until my regular one comes back is now being split between head cpn and a psychiatrist. They are ademant I need weekly care and support. Oddly it appears to have come from a dr who had called me a drunken time waster when I was in A&E a few months back. He is 'really' concerned.

Today was confusing. More so than usual really. I mentioned stuff I hadn't mentioned before about animals talking to me - I tried to months ago with cpn but I think he misunderstood. Anyway we talked about that and 'Them' but not who they are or what they are doing to me. He kept asking why I wasn't on antipsychotics - I got really annoyed in the end and said how the hell should I know? That's your job not mine.

He mentioned me being alone so much of the time as being a problem cos my company is basically Ariel, and the lovely xTinkerbelle and Steel_maiden on here who let me txt them. I do see others occaisonally but not much. They don't understand it is hard to get out. He said about 'always' seeing me walking, which is me walking one way from somewhere and essential shopping usually. Yet again with DBT and MIND.

He also said I need to make my GP get me more treatments/physical support. I said about CPN telling people I can do more than I can stopping that - as this person is his manager he will be asking about that some more.

I don't know. I'm scared and frightened. He kept asking me about my 'hullucinations' but I honestly don't think they are. He said they must be cos they don't stay dead when I kill them but that's just cos they aren't human, like Ariel isn't. Then more about antipsychotics.

He also said something about my childhood not being traumatic enough for these problems. So does that mean he thinks I'm lying?????

*I'm scared they seem to be helping me whilst cpn is away*

I'm so pathetic.

I don't know when my next cpa will be. I have an emergency appointment with the consultant start february - the person today was really shocked it was so soon.

I don't think he thinks you're lying. I think he probably made the sweeping statement of someone with your emotional/mental issues would usually have had a traumatic childhood, which means to him there is underlying issues as to why you're suffering like you are if in retrospect your childhood was relatively fine.
If that makes sense.

I dearly hope this is the help you have waited for for so long. You deserve to get better. x

Being rejected is one of the deepest most painful traumas we as human beings can endure.

*HUGS* you know you can txt me whenever you want.

Those doctors are complete idiots to ask you what your treatment plan should be. They're the doctors!