Please, I can't do this without some advice... (updated after session, #75)
 

I've got a therapy session tomorrow. Last week we continued the previous weeks discussion about what made this MD episode different from the others in the past as before I was able to push on despite almost crippling depression and this time have been unable to.

The week before I had told him that my only guess was that the events of the school year before the episode really set in and the depression really took control, specifically one particular teacher and the problems I had with him may have had something to do with it.

I told him the story. That the teacher was an ass, a bad teacher, and had a bad habit of behaving inappropriately with his students. I told him about his (the teacher) habit of drinking and doing drugs with students, even going so far as to purchase the items. I told him about the time he showed up at my apartment late at night drunk and stayed for four hours (and how after that night he would email me on my blackberry mobile from his telling me he was out walking and going to stop by, telling me that he was worried because I hadn't answered his email in an hour and so he was coming over). I told him what we had talked about that night including him telling me he told another patron in a bar that I was his girlfriend (!!), the story he told me (that I had already heared) about seeing one of the girls from his 2nd year ASL class (the one I was in) in a bar... Buying her drinks, and then later, the pot they both smoked. How he had been coming on to her and so one of her friends hit him.

The story had been a bit disjointed but at this time he asked me if he (the teacher) had done something similar with me. I think that was the time I told him about the teacher telling someone the two of us were dating and then on to the part where this neighbor boy I didn't know joined us... I didn't answer his question, I broke eye contact, all clear signs that I wasn't telling him everything.

He asked me later on in the session how talking about this was for me... I told him I hadn't told him everything (insinuating that it would be worse if I had). He suprised me (I was to miserable at the time to notice the signals I had sent, what a good psychology student I am) by telling me that he had a feeling I hadn't. He then told me all that good stuff "As you know, talking about things can be helpful... Traumatic..." all that good stuff... And then told me that he would ask me about it again at our next session (tomorrows).

What I didn't tell him... That the night he showed up he crossed the line in more ways than already mentioned... How I watched (and had to tell him to stop... He's deaf, btw, so I was doing all the talking as far as the two of us hearing folk in the group went) him grab the poor neighbor boy by his package, essentially groaping the guy... How at one point, one of the times his hand came into contact with the poor guys pelvic region (he was being weird, kind of slapping at the two of us), there was also some brief hand-to-groin contact as far as the two of us were concerned (his hand) and that while he apologised I don't believe it was an accident.

:crying: Just writing all this makes me want to cut :crying: I can't decide if it is because of what happened or because of the idea of talking about it...

He's going to ask tomorrow. He already thought the other stuff was "traumatic"... What will he say about this? Should I even tell him? Will I be able to tell him?:crying:

Sorry it's such a long post all, took more explaining than I wanted it to... If you read this far, thanks for your patience.

PS the only reason I put Trigger for sexual abuse is because I am afraid even this insignificant little thing might trigger someone and I would hate that...

i'm sure i've seen this before... grr stupid memory

honey you SHOULD tell him. you WILl be able to and it will be fgood. I would suggest printing this out and jsut giving it to hiM? so much easier than talking about it! *hugs* let us know

yeah, maybe print it out?
i think you should tell him sweetie. he already knows that something is up.
you need to tell him even if it's just so you can stop worrying about whether to tell him or not.
it might even help.
good luck, tell us how it goes ok? xx

Lol, no, Jess, it's not your memory, I wrote about this in my thread... I was hoping if I made this one I'd get a few more opinions, a few more folks pushing me in the right direction...

*sigh* printing it out is a good idea... But he tends to ask me to read stuff out loud, or he reads it and I can't stand it...

Gosh, I'm being redicules, I know I should tell him but I'm not prepared for it should he decide it's something important to continue talking about, if he thinks it is a big deal...

This is me, being childish...

Okay phew! lol *pets*

Well at least if you had to read it you wouldn't have to think, you can kinda... i dunno shut down and parrot it to him. Or just ask him to read it to himself becasue you're so uncomfortable with it?

your teacher is an ass and horriable and going to your house at all is unproffesional and wrong! talking about it seems scary but it will help. Find a way to tell your thepiest! I promis talking will help in the end.

Print it then!

Even if you think it is a small or minor thing, the effect it is having on you isn't. Please see if you can get it out to your therapist and take the power out of it?

i think it is something very significant and that you should try and talk it through you never know once you have even though it will be g=hard you may understand it yourself a bit better *hugs*

An hour... My session is in an hour... Taking some tea because that gives me something to play with and not look at him (yay for travel cups and their lids).

An hour...

:crying:

You will be okay.
I always tuck a soda into my tote bag.

10 minutes... Walking across the parking lot right now... I don't know if I can do this y'all, I think I'm gonna die... Why in Gods name did I even have to suggest that that might have had something to do with it all? Because I'm a ducking idiot that's why...

:crying:

I know it's not a big deal...

We spent most of the time talking around the subject as I did not want to say it, to even talk about it really. Poor man, he was very patient though. I told him that all the advice I had gotten this past week (from all you lovely people) had been to tell him. Eventually I told him that many of y'all had told me to print it off and give it to him, but unfortunatly I don't have the internet at my apartment and so I didn't... He looked a little undecided for a bit or like he was thinking and then said that we could do that. Wound up finding it on my blackberry and going to the part he needed to read (if we did it on his computer, well, he'd be able to get to the site again and stuff and while I do not believe he would do that...).

He read it. He told me where hew as (when he figured he had read the important part) and I said, 'Ok, no worries' followed by 'Oh... ****' because I realised he had read the part that said that just writing it made me want to cut... He poked around that reaction a bit (I think he was giving himself time to think, tbh, to collect his thoughts) and then started in.
"You said you saw him groap the neighbor boy... What reaction did you have to that..? It seems like it would be something that would have really effected you...And he touched you too..."
(I was responding during all of this, I just can't remember what I said *shrug*)

I keep hearing that last statement (because it wasn't really a question)

"And he touched you too..."

Good lord, sounds like something you'd ask a child... maybe... I don't know... it just sounds so... ****, I don't know...

We're talking about it next week as we didn't really get anywhere since I stalled for so long...

I can't wait to get home to my blade and my alcohol...

:crying:

"And he touched you too..."

:crying:

****

*gladly accepts a hug from her wonderful RYL uncle and takes a moment to cry on his sholder while she's there*

*holds Ally* Your safe now hun. Love you. Please try and stay strong. I'm really proud of you for being so open xxxxxxx

*clings tightly to Emma and crys*

I just want to die... Why do I want to die..?

I'm sorry:crying:

*waits in line to hug ryl daughter*

You want to die because it is beyond awful to talk about this stuff and to admit and realise what happened.

*smothers ally*

sweetling... you DID it. You showed him. What you're teacher did was WRONG! It's abusing trust you've put in him, doesn't matter if your 9 or 19... it's still an abuse of trust. *cuddles* DON"T CUT! You are stronger then him! You CAN get through it.

*cuddles some mroe*

But nothing HAPPENED! *not a mad yell, just an emphatic one* it was too darn brief to say something happened, you could barely call it a 'touch'. Very brief. Very.

*sigh* and now I get TWO hours next week " not that we would necessarily use both hours, but just so we don't have to rush and we can use the extra time if we need it"
Go me *rolls eyes*

And after sounding childish and ungrateful... Thanks guys, really *cuddles all*

So? What does it matter if it was just a brief touch or a long one? it was inappropriate and it's HURTING you! You are important sweetie, really and truly! I'm glad your therapist is giving you two hours. you need them i hink. maybe you can get past the wall that is stopping you really talking and make some real progress *cuddles you tight*

*shakes head miserably*

Nonononono.

What's hurting me is having to talk about it in therapy, about it being made into a big deal... :crying:

Cuts good... About six inches (15.24 cm) long, deep, about a quarter inch (.6354 cm) wide... Took a lot of tape but I got it closed...

:crying:
"And he touched you too..."
An extra hour so we don't have to rush...
**** me.
:crying:

Spend the two hours talking it to death then. Get it all out of your system.

And you're too special. I'm not going to let you f--- you any more than y'all would let me damn me.

here here!!!! *cuddles lots*

*sigh*
I'm such a freak.
I keep thinking about parts of yesterdays session, hearing them in my head. Mostly it's my 'favorite' part:
"And he touched you too..."
Argh! It makes me feel all weird, I don't know how to explain it... Like everything in the core of my body just clinches... And something more, I don't know what. I DO know that it is very unpleasnt. :crying:
My fault for continually letting it pop up in my head... Quit dwelling on it, for heaven sake!! Stop obsessibh over the phrase, stop stressing over the extra hour next week and that it's 'so we won't have to rush', which to me says that it's not going to be an easy time at all :crying:. I've half a mind to email him and tell him, thanks but I'd really rather not come in next week...
**** it :crying:

STOP PITIEING YOURSELF OVER SOMETHING THAT'S NO BIG DEAL!!!

*retreats to her corner of the psych wad and claps her hands over her ears in an effort to make it stop*

"And he touched you too"

For crying out loud, big ****ing deal!

:-) *hugs* Thanks... if only it really worked that way :-(

you better not cancel! *stern look*

you DO need it. Talk it to death and then lock it in the bottom draw and let it shrivel and die. *cuddles*

agreed. stay strong sweets. try to stay safe xx

I just wanted to let you know I read and I care. Took anti-anxiety med earlier so not cohernet enough to say more.

Coincidence?
This thing with the teacher that is currently making my life a living hell happened before:
* The episode of MD that took over to where I couldn't function (started that summer)
* I started cutting on my arms
* I had sex for the first time (drunk, the end of that summer)
* Started drinking heavily (where before I'd have a six pack forever, now I'm drinking that or more in one sitting)
* I started taking over doses (though the first one of those was the day or the day after my cousin died of a brain tumor)
* My dreams/plans for the future were lost to me
----------
*shakes head*
It has to be coincidence, because I swear it didn't effect me...
Still...
*shakes head again*
Naw, just coincidence...

if it didnt effect u how come you're so botherd by it.

... Because all of a sudden it's being made into a big deal:crying:

you brought it up. so maybe subconciously you admit that it' a problem? i dunno. my head isn't working today sory lovey. *cuddles*

I know... *sigh* it's my only guess as to why this episode is so different in that I can't function like I normally do... *shrug*
No, Jess, that was a good guess sweetie, love you.

*sigh* I emailed a friend the link to this page and asked her to read it, though as I told her I wasn't sure what I was trying to accomplish with that. She emailed me back an answer as well as asking if her husband (we're all three good friends) could read it.(The three of us were in the psychology program at the same time here at Uni). Had a brief conversation with him over text...

I think I was hoping that if she told me it was a big deal then maybe I would have an easier time believing it... It didn't work... I'm still miserable about this whole thing only now I don't know what I think about it :crying:

I think I hate that teacher now...

*snuggles up to her uncle Jeff and cries a bit*

Trying to make me cry, dear friend?

I don't know... I don't know anymore... I can't... :crying:

God, I hate this.

While texting with my friend about what he had read (in the first post in this thread, subsequent posts, not sure how much those two read, my lovely friends) he decided to use that word 'traumatic' (silly psychology people ;) sometimes it's nice to have friends who've studied the same thing as you and share the same interests but when it's psychology sometimes it's not always fun).

That's the second time I've heard that in reference to this whole mess. So I decided to look it up. Yes, I studied psychology at Uni, but they don't get very specific during your undergrad, that comes during your grad school years and on (ok so they get pretty specific as you get to classes higher up in the program but I didn't take a class that dealt with this stuff specifically). As a matter of fact these friends (the husband and wife pair I love so dearly) are in head school and this guys been reading a lot about trauma recently.
(I realize this post is disjointed and just out there already but you'll have to just be patient because my brain isn't working all that great right now).

ANYWAY, I looked it up, specifically it's symptoms and I found that what I've experienced over this past year fits pretty well. Problem is 1) does the incident really even count as traumatic? For heaven sake it was so brief... And 2) those same symptoms... They just strike me as... Well, they seem to be the same as those one experiences with major depression. I mean, not all of them, but the ones that seem to apply to me *shrug* so who's to say this isn't just a really severe episode of MD?

*shakes head* I don't know, I don't know what I think... I can't even really think, my head feels all dense... I'm just... Numb or something...

Sorry for the rambling post all, I'm trying to talk it out for myself and it's not working...

You will get it talked out, it will make sense. Right now to organise your thoughts, you're just getting them put in the same pile. All of the input and memories and thoughts and emotions. You'll take them with you on Monday and start to sort them out there with the help of the therapist

*hugs her wise and wonderful Blondie-Mom and cries, just a bit*
But I'd rather... *shrug* I just want to go back about a month and not bring it up... Then I wouldn't be in this mess... :crying:

*hugs her uncle Jeff too*
*sigh* I wish you could too but I think my cat must have got your message because he just cuddled up to me...

Oh, and it wasn't a bad analogy...

Have you ever spoke to someone who has been flashed? I know it seems like a minor thing but a friend of mine was 18 and got flashed by this guy in the local park and she STILL suffers from it. Now it lasted... a second? No more... seems like something minor but it's still affecting her. Just becuase it was short means nothing. It's had a big impact on you and yeah. *cuddles lots*

*hugs Jeff tight* thanks so much, dear Uncle, means a lot. Thankfully though the cat is not listening to your cuddling instructions, it's a bit warm here. I'm hoping he pays attention tomorrow though.

Jess. Goodness, I can imagine it would still effect your friend. Good example too.

Tbh this isn't my first experience with inappropriate touching. As a matter of fact if I were to compare the two the first would be considered less of a big deal...

Some years ago I was chating to a developmentally disabled guy who came up to me at uni and he rubbed my leg, purposfully, you know, how a significant other would. In the grand scheme of things, no big deal, right? But the thought still makes me shudder.:pinch: So WTF is wrong with me that that bothers me still and this... I'm so stupid.

you are NOT stupid *glares* stop saying that. Okay, something the still affects me is when I use to do springboard diving, my dive coach came up and put his hand on my butt for about.. half a second? and it still gets to me! same thing okay? it's traumatic. someone you trust has done something that should NOT have been done. It gets to you and you start wondering about it and then you obsess over it. But it wasn't your fault, it was out of your control. You need to tell your therapist how you feel about it. tell him what you've told us. That you think it's insignificant and you're stupid for worrying about it. be honest with im.

And I hope you told him off, though if you are like I was you were too shocked to do so. And I understand how that would still effect you.

I know I have a double standard when it comes to myself and others. Were it someone else saying this to me I would be telling them the same things y'all have been trying to convince me of. *shrug* je ne sais pas.

Ugh, if kind of like to put my fist through the window but then I'd have to replace the window *sigh*

*glares at ally* there isn't one rule for you and one rule for everybody else! *pets* i didn't tell him off, i was shocked, and everytime he had to touch me for a legitmate reason (correcting posture and stuff for dives) i'd get all rigid.

don't put your arm thrtough a window... it's so messy!!!!! *cuddles lots*

*sighs and hangs head*
Logically I know that. The only good I can see in my double standard is when folks ask if I think I can help others when I'm so screwed up myself... My double standard allows me to separat my flawed ideas for myself from what is logical and actually right...

*snuggles* I'm sorry hun, such a reaction is certainly understandable and I'm sorry that happened (yes I know you were using it as an example... I'm still sorry), such a betrayal...

*shakes head at self* good lord, listen to me, I'm like a walking oxiemoron...

*changes my name to your name* LISTEN TO YOURSELD!!!!!

*hugs lots*

I know, I know, I'm nuts *shrugs*

me too! we can be nuts together! *hugs*

*hugs back*
Lol well it's nice to have company

no fun being a nut alone!

Tis true *nods*