Ally's 'Pointless and Pathetic Rambles' thread*possble triggers for SI, OD, and who knows*
 

Just what it says... Pointless and pathetic... But I can't text my friend to share with her the particular revelation that prompted the creation of this thread because they're an hour ahead of us and probably in bed by now... And I figured it probably wasn't appropriate for me to continue to just ramble and complain in the psych ward... And while I don't feel altogether right about creating a thread 'out here' as I am not very good at supporting 'out here'... It seems like my best option...

Your rambles aren't pointless and pathetic. I don't understand exactly what is going on but I am worried about you and thinking of you sweetie. Please try not to SI or OD. I love you xxxx

So, what is this topic that sparked this thread?

I'll just jump right in and say it, then explain:

This last major depressive episode (I think possibly the worst one I've had) has caused me to really withdraw, not socialise unless absolutely necessary... And I think has cost me my best friend.

It started some time last spring I think and was probably at it's worst this summer/fall (though in some ways it's still pretty bad). I stopped doing everything I once enjoyed and only socialised when I felt obligated to. I stopped going out with friends to party (preferring to stay home and get plastered alone). I only did that which was absolutely necessary (work, uni, that type of thing) and I wasn't even consistent with those (calling in sick to work, skipping my lectures).

One of the things I mentioned above was that I stopped going out and partying. In the mean time my best friend (and room mate) continued to go out and spend time with our friends, to the point that they became 'her' friends more than 'ours'. No big deal. But then she started to become less interested in our friendship and hanging out and more interested in going out, and hanging out with everyone else, away from our apartment.

Alright, so maybe that's a little, I don't know, bothersome, but what's the big problem? What makes me think I'm losing my best friend?

I think it really hit me when she talked about another friend asking her to switch rows with someone for graduation so the could sit together.. And she was going to do it (we had been in the same row and so could sit together). Traumatic? Maybe not but we've been friends for fifteen/sixteen years. Our parents were even confused when she mentioned it. They just assumed we would sit together. And so had I. FYI, she didn't switch and we did walk in together and sit together... But only because I layed a guilt trip on her (you know 'You know, it kind of stings that you've decided to sit next to someone who, comparatively speaking, you haven't known all that long'.

To wrap it up: She's pretty much stopped hanging out here, she only invites me to go out if someone else (usually the guy who's place we usually go to) suggests it, and the eye opener, my best friend, my friend of fifteen/sixteen years, was going to walk at graduation with someone who is a relatively new (and one of those transitory uni friends) friend. And I know that may sound silly but walking at graduation is a big deal, you know?

The 'I'm not sure I really care' part? I'm just not. I don't feel much of anything when I think about it. As a matter of fact the most I'm feeling as I write this is some vague, indescribable feeling, not about this, but about the fact that my friend (who was awake) isn't understanding... And I am allowing myself to believe it is because she doesn't care. Stupid.

not stupid
i think i would feel the same way honey
have you talked to her about it? told her it hurt you and you are worried about your friendship? maybe you could tell her some of your suspicions and let her know that the reason you have been withdrawing and not spending as much time with her is nothing personal at all, no reflection on her, just due to your private issues? if you have been friends this long, i would bet that you have been through ups and downs before and that she would understand
CONGRATULATIONS ON THE GRADUATION lovely RYL Twin
i know that it was a bit of a hurdle and you probably arent in a position to feel congratulatory right now, but you do deserve congrats
not everybody even goes to college, and plenty who do dont graduate, but you did despite so much crap going on so good on you hun!!!

I agree with Callie ^_^

*lots of snuggles*

*squishes ally*

U know where to find me if u need to talk...although i'm not much of a talker as u know

*hugs you*

If you've been friends for so long it sounds like it would be a good idea to talk to her about how you feel (if you haven't already). You sound like you don't want to lose her, but maybe she doesn't really understand why you're withdrawing herself. Sorry I don't have many words of wisdom, I don't have a great track record with choosing/keeping friends. I hope it works out well for you

Good advice except she already knows. She's known for a long time that I'm depressed (not that she ever really seemed concerned). I think the SI and the baby sitting she had to do when I was told it's either that or hospital... I think she's just fed up or something. Fed up with my withdrawing, fed up with my cutting, drinking, etc. Just fed up.

*sigh* ODd last night... can't decide if the spacy feeling I've got is due to that or lack of food (haven't eaten much at all today)... one more three hour shift and I can go home

Ally, please be careful sweetie! I love you. Do you need to get checked out by a dr? *hands you a sandwich* and eat woman eat! XXX

*hugs Emma*
Probably should see a doc but I won't. More trouble than it's worth.
lol and I'll eat when I get home.

Ugh, the OD wasn't any fun. Only the second time it has happened this way but I felt SO odd... I can't describe it except it kept making me curl up or some sort of movement because it felt awful... like every cell inside me was electrefied or something :S Thank God I finally fell asleep...

Don't think OD's are supposed to be fun ;) Glad you managed to get some sleep. Not going to lecture you about going to the doctor because you know it all already but if you start to feel really crappy please go?

As for the other stuff, sometimes friends don't know how to react and deal with us when we are depressed and withdrawing. We can either see it as them not caring or as them caring too much, so much so that they can't bear to see us get hurt. I'm not trying to justify what she is doing, because believe me I know how much it hurts when it happens but maybe she is trying to protect herself. I know it doesn't make it better but try not to dwell too much on it.

Thinking of you *hugs*

*snuggles you tight*
dont have many words Ally.
thinking of you.
loves.
xxxxx

Well, this thread is at least good for getting stuff out I suppose.
---------
I'm grateful to my supervisor for finding me some work at my job with uni dining. That said...

The guy I had sex with last summer (*cough* my first and only time *cough*) is working there this summer as well. I see him multiple times a day.
Now before y'all think it; he didn't rape me, it was consensual. However I was REALLY drunk (to the point of almost passing out). And now every time I think about I feel... Ashamed or embarrassed, I'm not sure... Maybe both. Seeing him so many times in a day... Well when I see him it makes me feel awful. Multiple times today when I saw him I wished to die, thought about slitting my wrists. I know it's unreasonable and that my reaction to him is an OVER reaction... But that's the way it is. I know it's stupid as it's not like it was rape or anything... My fault, I was WAY too drunk... I think it was even my idea...

So what is this uncomfortable reaction?

Must be guilt. My fault...

Give yourself permission to be modest and guarded around him. Don't say more than you need to. Just be cooly polite.

Forgive yourself. My favorite line in the Lord's Prayer is "Forgive us our tresspasses as we forgive those who tresspass against us." God has already forgiven you.

Go easy on yourself.

New development: I also work with his girlfriend. Who is a absolute sweet heart (though I wish shed ask me about my arms and get it over with as there is that familiar elephant in the room) but still...

Have to go home between shifts and I'm glad. I'm going to put together my 'travel kit' and bring it back with me. There's no way I can do this all day without the option of cutting...

I'm starting to think I've taken on too much responsibility as far as the 'drunken sex' with this guy goes. Turns out a good handful of girls at work have hooked up with him... And it's interesting that the common theme in all the stories I've heard is that all the girls seem to have been REALLY drunk, much more so than him.

Makes me wonder just how much responsibility I should be taking...

Sounds like this guy is a kind of predator. Like you don't have a lot of responsibility.

Forgive yourself and let it go.

I agree with Susan. Try not to be too hard on yourself about it. If there are lots of other girls that have been in the same situation with the same guy, it sounds like he's on the lookout for one thing when he's out.

i agree with Susan.
after hearing that....im thinking that you may not be responsible and you should really give yourself a break. guilt breaks us down so hard. i wish you werent going through this Ally.
please be good to yourself.
loves.
xxxxx

Thanks all. In his defense he ware really nice, actually asked several times to make sure... But I think he should have just said 'You know what? You're really intoxicated, maybe this isn't the best time'... Though I suppose it was up to me...

*sigh* no worries I guess, not like I can change it...

*snuggles tight*
loves.
xxxxx

*huggles Ally lots*

When you're that intoxicated it is the responsibilty of the soberer person to say no as alcohol stops you being able to make informed choices. So forgive yourself and let it go!!!! *hugs* It wasn't your choice in a way as you weren't able to think clearly or coherently.

I. Feel. Awful. :crying: It's been a little over a year since... Everything happened and my life fell to pieces. When a cut needed to be looked at and the Uni health centre learned I cut. Consequently the Uni counselling centre got involved (that very afternoon). A month and a half or so, a handful of therapy sessions, and a doctors appointment or two later and I'm on one AD. A summer, three school terms of therapy, a shitty school year where I attempted (but never failed because I withdrew twice) one class three times and the highest grade I got all year was an A which I think was a gift cause it was his last term here... The rest of the grades were low B's and the whole range of C's... A school year where I barely functioned, habitually missed lectures, called in sick to work WAY too many times... A spring term where I narrowly escaped hospitalisation... Twice...Now I'm still working at the dining hall on campus while I try and find a 'real' job (guess how much looking I've done?). The housing I found because I've got to be out of this apartment by the end of the month... Government housing. Not bad really, it's cheap so I should be able to get caught up on my bills. I am even able to bypass the long waiting list that there usually is... Because evidently the fact that I've got to leave my apartment at the end of the month means I qualify as 'homeless'. This means that I've got to participate in this program, can't quite explain it really. But I had my first meeting today with... My case worker! Because I'm not pathetic enough already. :crying: You know the kind of stuff a case worker gets to know? Financial information (any outstanding bills?), health information, physical, mental... Any disabilities, mental health issues... You're involved in therapy? Where's that? How long will you be able to participate in that? Will you need help finding more after that ends? The confidentiality speech they give you is the same as a therapist or doctor for crying out loud! :crying: 'Anything we talk about stays confidential as long as ... Or I think you're at risk of hurting yourself or others...' blahblahblah :crying:

*cuddles ally tightly*

Sorry, nothing useful to add. Just wanted you to know that you are being herad. Please keep posting.

*hugs*

*hugs*

A Year of Giving Up
 

Spring term.
A worrisome cut.
A doctors visit.
A 'crisis' counselling session.
Another doctors visit.
A summers worth of therapy.
Zoloft.
More therapy fall term.
Withdraw from a class.
Sporadically attend the other two.
Meds appointments.
Over doses.
Winter term. Therapy.
Academic and financial aid probation.
Withdraw from same class.
Attend other two slightly more often than last term.
Meds appointments.
Paxil.
Zoloft.
Stitches.
More over doses.
Spring term. Therapy
Financial aid probation.
Stitches.
Almost admitted to hospital.
Two additional therapy sessions that week.
Emergency room (same week). This ones more serious (hit a vein) . Stitches. Narrowly escape admittance.
Wellbutrin (in addition to the Zoloft).
So many meds appointments...
Have to graduate.
Continue in all classes, attend sporadically.
Try and find housing.
Job hunting.
Government housing.
Though still in apartment am technically homeless as I must be out by July 7th.
Lots of paper work.
Prescription for my cat(?).
Still more over doses.
Graduate, but just barely.
Summer. More therapy.
More over doses.
Meds appointments.
Work at old job, one last summer.
HopeSource.
Caseworker.
Pathetic.

All those years being in control of my depression. One year of giving up.

I once had plans, dreams, and goals.
I now have one day at a time, and a future that makes me wonder if there really is a point. No goals, no dreams, no plans or desires. No motivation, no will.

It took a long time to hit bottom. But I am there. It's a long way back up. And I am tired.

I don't have many words but I wanted to let you know that I read your post and I care. It sounds like you're really struggling, but if you have hit bottom, the only way you can go is up right? I know it might take a while but you will get back up there. You will find happiness. Take care *hugs*

Pasted from Psych Ward... now I'm headed home to drink...
 

*snuggles all the lovely people in the psych ward before retreating to her corner to huddle in a small ball under her blanket*

Sorry I've been AWOL recently... I've not been very motivated to even get out of the house and since I haven't had to work this week (save for Monday) it's been pretty easy not to leave the apartment (I moved btw, and as soon as I can replace the blackberry I dropped one too many times I'll take some pictures and share them... it's tiny but cute).

Case worker stuff isn't any fun. Get to see him once a week... it's basically like having another therapist... down to the 'how often, how deep, what do you use' cutting questions :pinch: The guys not much older than me and was in the psychology depertment here at uni at the same time I was (though he finished before I did) and worked at the dining hall as well (where I work)... :crying: I don't WANT another person I have to answer to, another person I have to be accountable to, someone else I have to tell how I'm feeling, how my meds are working, how long and how bad has my depression been, all that humiliating stuff :crying:

Sorry, rant.

Love you all, really, please take care

Case worker: someone who can help you get everything under control and keep it that way. someone who can help you organise stuff when it gets on top of you and someone who can support you. I do case work. That's what we're supposed to do. Sometimes we're (alwas) understaffed and overloaded but please don't take it as a personal insult if your case worker seems like they don't have time for you. it's not you. I promise.

*makes sure your blanket is tucked comfortably around you, with a bit for a hood if you want to pull it up that way.

*hugs ally*

hello my dear. i am back and glad to see you are still alive and kicking. i know you're tired sweetie xxx

Thanks RYL- Mom Susan *snuggles*

Chloe, I'm so glad you're back, good to see you.

Jess... Oh, did I say something negative about case workers specifically? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. Actually I'm more worried that he's got too MUCH time... I'd rather not see him once a week... honestly, I'd rather not see him at all :pinch:. I don't want another person I have to answer to, someone else to ask about my depression and my cutting and family relations and all that good stuff... there's too many folks doing that as is. I know it's his job (hell I've got my BA in psychology, I recognize everything he's done so far and realize it's value)... :crying: Stupid, I know... so many people want help and here I am complaining about it.
Sorry guys...

Oh, Jess, your profile picture's cute btw :-D

No no I just thoguht you were upset cause of seeing thema nd... never ind. Yes my kitty is awesome. :D She knows it too, little *mutters*

Honey a case worker will prolly help you a fair bit. And hopefully will keep you safer. you might not be happy bout that... but we certainly are!!!!!!

*cuddles*

Oh.

lol and yes, the kitty is adorable, but I was talking about the picture of you in your profile (I forgot your first name :pinch: and wanted to use it).

One request? Please, stop talking sense lol :-D
It's silly that I don't want to hear it but you know when you just don't want to be reasonable? *shrug* Naw, no worries, maybe one of these days some of that good sense will sink in :eyeroll:

Ah, and my kitty thinks he's ruler of the apartment, so I know what you mean. Nothing like someone mewing in your ear at 5:30 in the morning... can hear him with my ear plugs in!

Oh the picture of me >.> I don't know what you mean...

Stop talkign sense? Yeah... that's going to happen... not :P If i talk it enough you'll start listening. *nods* *pokes*

*jumps on you and bounces*

My kitten this morning decided that she wanted me to feed her DESPITE her food bowl being full already so she sat on her feed container and yowled... so i threw a pillow at her... and knocked over her water bowl... I swear she was laughing at me... and my lazy ass fiance wouldn't get off his ass to do anything about it!

Let me introduce you to the 4am "feed me" song and dance! Jumps on the bed, meows at me. Jumps on the nightstand, does it again. Jumps to the wood laminate floor with a couple of thumps. Starts at the beginning. Continues until someone feeds him or shuts him in the laundry room. :o)

ROTFL Mom-Susan :-) Sounds like a character.
____________________________________________

Ugh, I'm losing it, I swear.

Had my appointment with the case worker yesterday afternoon... Went through the same questions as the first appointment. The ones I can remember? The ones that I REALLY didn't want to talk about.
*Any substance use, alcohol, drugs, smoking...
Yeah, I drink a bit.
*Do you think you need help with that?
No
*How often do you drink in a week? (why are we still on this when all I said was I drink 'a bit' and then said 'No, I don't think I need help with it?)
It depends on the week
*How much do you drink when you do drink?
I don't know (lie, usually about two bottles of champagne or wine, though sometimes it's considerably less), I drink like a college student, sometimes you forget how much you drink.
While talking about finances the conversation got to some point where I said 'Yeah, and the cat likes to eat' (he said something about it being nice to have money to pay bills and the like... I think) and he said something like 'How about you, you like to eat too..? To which I said something like 'Sure, it's helpful' which sparked another conversation as to nutrition
*Do you get enough to eat? You think you're getting enough nutritionally?
*shrug* Sure.
*You have enough money to buy food?
Yeah, well I don't eat very much so it's not really a big deal
*What do you mean you 'don't eat much'?
Well it's too early to eat when I get up and then I leave (meaning I'm not at home where my food is... this I did not tell him)
*So you miss breakfast?
Yeah, and lunch a lot of the time
*So you only eat dinner?
Well, yeah, a lot of the time. I get busy and I forget. I don't always have time. My friends sometimes make fun of me when I wonder aloud 'What/when did I eat last?'.
I can't remember what his response to this was but he gave me a funny look.
And family relations :eyeroll:... Actually that part wasn't too bad but I didn't want to talk about it as I have been withdrawing for a while and since my mom found out I cut it's been rather tense, especially recently. So I didn't tell him that either. (Yes Jess, I know I'm in trouble ;-))
And at the end he did the whole 'check in' thing, you know 'And how is this for you?' (this being the appointment) I have found that I am usually asked that question if I appear particularly miserable or out of it... and poor guy, I realized when he asked that I'd kind of managed to space and still answer questions... but they weren't very detailed answers and I know it was obvious, if you looked at my eyes, that I wasn't fully with him :-( Damn, I try not to let folks see that, I don't want to be rude... But I think it's really a bit of dissociation so I'm not sure there's much I can do about it (I tried to shake it off when I noticed it but couldn't which was weird because usually I am able to).

Ah, and mom problems?
Last time I was home she again gave me this 'It makes me sad that my baby is hurting badly enough that she is cutting... You should continue counseling, medication works differently for different people, sometimes it doesn't work, sometimes it makes things worse...' and it just kept going, all gushy and *shudder* ick. Not to mention I'M the one with the degree in psychology, I certainly know more about all of that than she does. And since I have told her repeatedly that I don't want to talk about it and that I don't want her to bring it up... I finally told her that if I can't be sure that she is going to respect my wishes then I am just not going 'home' as often... She said I was threatening her, but it wasn't a threat... I think it is reasonable. If she can't do that then I am not going to put myself in a situation where I may be subjected to something unwanted. Ultimately it would be her fault. And today she told me I was being hostile toward her... uh, no, but she's got to understand too, the more she harasses me about this the more strained our relationship will become... and if it gets bad I will be mad at her because I don't want a bad relationship with her and she will be the one to have pushed it to the point of ruin.

*phew*

Sorry for the long post, if you read this far, thanks so much but it wasn't necessary. I was just writing in the vain hope that it would help...

But it really does feel like I'm losing it :-(

Hi RYL Daughter,

I think your post was necessary. Is there any way you can get free meals at your job? Even if it is just leftovers?

I don't have any wise advice. But I read your post and am sorry that you are feeling so bad.

*offers to share my mac+cheese lunch with you"
*Gives you a hug*

Oh you naughty girl. HONESTY!!! How can he help if you aren't honest? Silly thing.

*hugs you tight* maybe you cna be honest in stages?

Jess

lol thanks for the offer, Susan-Mom. Mmm, sometimes they feed us, but since they're not supposed to (they stopped doing that sometime during my second year working here) it depends which of the higher ups are there (some don't care, especially if it's stuff that will be thrown out. But I'm not nearly as concerned about my bad eating habits as he seemed to be :blink:. Big deal.

lol Jess, I know but I don't want to fess up to the alcohol use any more than I already did (because when I do drink, nine times out of ten it is a lot). As to how much I eat I'm eating and I'm not concerned about it so why he needed so much information is beyond me... And as to the tension at home... what's he going to do about it? And besides... this whole thing is rather humiliating :crying:. Seriously, if I didn't dissociate during Tuesdays appointment I was damn close *rolls eyes at self*.

Thanks gals, love you both, you're pretty amazing.

Alright, once again pointless post but *shrug* you've got to have some sort of talents in life, right? Guess pointless posts is mine.
__________________________________________________ ___
Watching In Treatment recaps on youtube (a show on HBO, a channel that I don’t have, damn it)… Paul (the therapist) tells Sophie (one of his clients) that there is a difference between being careless and wanting to commit suicide… other episode the same client admits that the accident she was in was actually an attempted suicide… then she over doses with some pills in the therapists bathroom… They make an agreement and at the end of another episode recap she says ‘I won’t try and kill myself as long as I’m in therapy’…
Other things are thrown around like ‘attempted suicide’ and all that other ‘fun’ stuff. I have watched these recaps (on youtube, since the series is on HBO and I don’t have it) many times, the ones about the client Sophie (the girl I’m talking about above). But today it was different. I never really found them triggering though her sessions are about determining whether or not an accident she was in was actually an attempted suicide or just an accident (suicide being the obvious trigger). The fact that she over doses in one of the recaps wasn’t really a problem before either. Today it wasn’t even really the over dose that bothered that got me but the repeated references to suicide, especially Pauls observation that there is a difference between being careless and wanting to commit suicide and the agreement that Sophie will not try and kill herself as long as she is in therapy. I can’t describe what I felt… it was small, but it didn’t feel very pleasant that’s for sure. I can’t decide why I felt that either… really my only guess is that maybe it’s because I would sort of like to kill myself a lot… and that I haven’t had the guts to try it yet… I don’t know :crying:.
Sorry, just rambling…

Gosh I wish I felt better :crying:

I wish I could explain what's going on.... if you explain to your case worker it's possible he may be able to help. And the alcohol and food and fam situations are all pretty important! So you sohuld be honest. And I can guarentee, no matter what you say... he's prolly heard similar somewhere else even it was just in training. They need to ask questions to get a proper idea of what they need to provide you and stuff. *hugs you tight*

:crying: *sniff* :crying:

Don't wanna...

Ugh, and I'd tell my therapist the stuff about the shows and whatnot before I told this guy... Nice guy, knows his stuff, does a good job (this coming from someone with a degree in psych) but I don't know him that well (had three appointments) and this is humiliating.

Thanks luv

not humiliating. *hugs* you can do this honey.

*squishy snuggles*
love you Ally.
xxxxxxxxxxxx

Thanks, love you guys.

I'm just one huge mess right now. I blame my meds. Last meds appointment the doc handed me the prescription bottle and told me it was enough for a month... and when I got home I noticed that it was 30 100 mg tablets, so one for each day of the month... problem is I've been taking two (for a total of 200 mg) for I don't know how long. Tomorrow makes 2 weeks with the dosage change and I am not sure whether or not that is my problem... but I don't want to go in and talk to him about it because I just want to be done with it. I am tired of talking about meds, depression, cutting, family issues, everything... :crying:

Such a waste of space... sorry.

*sigh* I can't even support everyone else right now, how useless am I... and I miss supporting, I really do... I just can't... :-(

your enot uselss. juse sad :( *hugs tight* talk to your doc... pleae? you can get through this.

Had a meds appointment on Friday. Got enough so I could start taking 200 mg again (silly man even had it down in the chart that it 100 mg!! Would have been nice if I had been told... and I can tell you, after two weeks of 100 mg, it does NOT work :crying:. I just hope it starts to work again soon because life is far from a bed of roses as is (more like sticker bushes).

Have therapy tomorrow and case worker on Tuesday (oh yay)... Don't really want to do any of this any more :notsure:...

Ah, well...