Exams. I'm going to fail. Might as well do what the voices say then.
 

I am a straight A student so far.
But ever since the recent crisis my brain has been re-set.
Every time I try a paper I have a panic attack because the voices laugh at me and mock me, telling me I'm going to fail.
I can't stop panicking, I am in a constant state of panic because the voices are stopping me from working.
I find that I don't remember what I read as well as I used to.

I am scared that I have somehow lost my intellect through my illness.

I might as well go and kill then because what life do I have anyway. I'm going to fail for the rest of my life. So what's the point trying to make a life for myself if I'm destined for failure? I would love to have my old brain back.

*hugs* are you having extra time in your exams? do you have any medication for the anxiety and panic attacks? please talk to your doctor if possible about this and maybe even your teachers/exam board, they're all here to help you.

take care xx

sorry for my late reply but please take care and get in touch with me if you need to talk!! my myspace is smoochylou, msn is few_colours_short_of_a_rainbow@hotmail.com and u can pm me on here!

take care xx

So sorry your feeling like this, don't let the bastards get you down!
the voices that is!

I don't really know what I can say to help but I can emphisise with you so much.
I'm supposed to be sitting my AS exams right about now but I've pretty much given up on college.

It's really depressing and I totally understand where your coming from with the voices.
I used to just have one occasional voice, which has now turned into many different voices that never shut the **** up.
Before I started on this Olanzapine I couldn't concentrate in college because all I could hear in a lesson was the voices telling me to hurt people
It was just horrible, I can totally emphisise with you, I feel like my brain has turned into mush, in January I got 3 A's in my exams, and now my head is too ****ed up to even sit them.

Couldn't you resit your exams?
I've come to the conclusion that's what I'm going to have to do
My college doesn't even know yet, I think they just think that I've quit

If I do start seeing the Early Intervention team I think they're going to sort out a meeting with the college so I can come back in September and resit my exams, couldn't you do somthing like this?

*hugs* I know exactly how you feel. I find it helpful to write a positive affirmation like 'I can do this' on a piece of paper and put it next to me when I have my exam. It reminds me to tell the thoughts/voices to go away. Extra time is good because then you don't have to panic as much about getting it done in time. Good luck!

know where you are all coming from. I felt exactly the same. A straight A student, A*s in most exams plus A levels.....anyway, my point is, I too fel tlike I had a brain lapse. All my friends were finishing degrees and getting into great jobs with great pay and there I was sinking into dooma nd gloom.
I reached crisis point, in and out of hospitals, scary stuff. BUT....>>Over the past year, even though I've still been in hospital, I am nearly finishing my degree in english lit!!!!!!!!!! The professors gave me work to do in my own time. I have been put on new combination of meds and for the past week I have actully been somewhat stable enough to write the essays I need to complete. If I do mannage to complete the course it will be the biggest thing ever considering how I thought my brain had turned to mush.....

As I had extra help for my degree, so you can get extra help with A levels. Perhaps have a mentor to help you through college, extra time in exams, special consideration. Mental health problems is not your fault, its an illness which needs to be treated and be given time.

What I'm trying to say is, don't give up, coz its not that your brain is no longer there, its more that your body needs time to recover. You cant just loose intelligence like that, its always there, you just need time to allow your confidence to come back. REcovery takes a long time, I know that I am still not recovered not by a long way, but the future is there.

In my opinion, everyone has intelligence. We all have our own kind of intelligence though, whether that be in the arts, in the sciences or perhaps having the ability to make friends, to listen to people, to be caring........

much love
x

have you told anyone how strong the voices where today? please do!

take care xx

Don't give up!
Tell htt how bad the voices and the panic are, they may be able to adjust your meds or something. But they need to know really how bad things are. Your intelligence hasn't gone its just harder to concentrate when unwell. Get the support you need and deserve and you will get your exams in the end even if you have to resit your health is the most important thing.
Take care hon, we're all cheering you on
xxxx

Thank you, really, thank you.
My intelligence has come back.
But the urge to kill is still there.

I told the HTT about my urges to kill, and they told me about the consequences. But I was already aware of the consequences. I am not stupid. If I kill someone, I will be sentenced and will serve a lengthy term in prison, coupled with everyone who knows me hating me.

But for some reason that isn't a deterrent.

Because of the schizophrenia, I don't think I have a future. If I go to uni, I will probably break down in the first week.

I don't know how to look after myself. Finances etc... its all Chinese to me (no offence to Chinese people).

I don't have a future. The summer holidays are coming up after my exams. I think I mght do something really stupid during those holidays.

I didn't take my meds last night and I told the HTT. They got all panicky and told my Mum to supervise me taking my meds every night at 8.30pm.

Sigh.

I can revise, and I've been doing a lot of work, but only because I know that after the exams I will be able to release all my urges.

Hi

Just want to encourage you re uni. There was a girl studying law in my year at Cambridge Uni who was schizophrenic. The uni was really helpful about it and she graduated with a 2:1. She was really successful in university societies etc but just had to take time out every now and then when meds weren't working properly or she hit a bad patch.

There is no reason why you can't be successful at uni also. Hang on in there. You sound very bright.

Good luck with your exams.

Hey i just wanted to say also from what ive seen/read also i truly think you are very intelligent and could really be a success at uni a bit like the girl described by the poster above.i really believe you could do so well.Truly.

Also i am sorry you are still getting the violent urges.That must be very upsetting for you and well done for telling the HTT about these again. Without wishing to be picky or make you talk about anything you dont want to i wondered though if youd managed to talk to the HTT not just about the thoughts/urges but also about the walking out the door with a knife in your pocket etc?It just seems that they need to know that too as maybe that is the urges progressing a bit which may be of more concern.

im sorry i hope i havent upset you and i know i dont have much useful to say.i wish i did.But i think your a really brave person.

I'm sorry I'm not sure what I can add but I just wanted to say please take care and try to believe in yourself re exams, don't put too much pressure on yourself but I'm sure you'll do fab.
*Cuddles* look after yourself xxx

You have a valid point there, but it is extremely hard to get into hospital in this borough of London, and the ward for my borough is s***. Sad really.

I told the HTT in passing that I walked out with a knife in my pocket, but didn't go any further with that. I am not sure if he quite understood me, I might have said it too fast.
I still have violent urges, and I will talk about them more on Friday when they see me next.
I feel like I just want to slash someone, and the voices are encouraging me to do so.

Thank you for saying that you think I'll do well. That means a lot to me.

I am thinking of changing meds and the HTT said that they would look into that after the exams.
I told them how bad it feels but they didn't say much about it.
The voices are bad on some days and better on others. Today they haven't been too bad, but yesterday morning they were awful.

On a really good note today, my GP said I could go running; I've been getting nose bleeds, so I cannot run when its hot. It wasn't hot today so I went for a 30 minute run and it really helped the burning inside me to calm down. I will go running again tomorrow so that I can get rid of that excess energy.

I revised seven chapters of chemistry today and will hopefully do some more later tonight.

Thank you for your ongoing support.

The voices, hallucinations and people accessing my consciousness/being in my head are still there, but I am feeling a greater amount of control over them today. I don't know about tomorrow though.

I am glad you feel a greater control today, some days do tend to be better than others.
Please keep taking your meds, even if you don't like how they make you feel you won't know how much they are supressing until you stop taking them. I'm glad you have been honest with the HTT, hope you can continue to tell them how bad things are. Hopefully a change of meds after the exams will help. thats not too long now is it?
Good luck with your revision
Jo x

Thanks Jo and CRL, you two are so supportive.

I can do kickboxing exercises and I also weightlift in my bedroom every day. So there's always some exercise to do.

The voices are getting quite bad now, but luckily I am tired so I can just fall asleep.

I had a really violent hallucination today. Best not to describe it here.

But I'm trying to stay level.

Tomorrow is biology.

Thanks, I'm going to sleep soon so that I can prevent myself from going downstairs and doing something to someone's throat.

I didn't take my meds last night because I got really pissed off with the tiredness. I couldn't get to sleep until the early hours of the morning and I had weird hallucinations. Today I have a bad temper and am hearing more voices than normal. Ech. I will consider taking them tonight.

I am thinking about changing meds, but the HTT are not too keen because I'm having my remaining 11 exams in over two weeks' time.
I will take them tonight, but only after I tell the HTT about me not taking them last night and expressing my frustration with the meds making me more tired than actually curing the voices.
Perhaps I'm overreacting with the tiredness issue, but I am not overreacting about the voices, hallcuinations, people in my head etc.

That's probably what I'll end up doing, because common sense tells me that changing meds while taking exams is not a good idea.
Thanks.

Sorry for posting again.

The voices are telling me that if I take my meds they will kill me in my sleep. **** now I can't take them. I really can't.

My head feels like its about to split in half.

They won't kill you in your sleep. You're safe.

I'll tell the HTT. I've been feeling scared all day, but I put that down to my overactive brain as a result of not taking meds.

Sorry.

Agh.

The HTT will come around 7pm today I think. I'll hold on.

What can the HTT do if I don't take my meds? Can they actually do anything?

They're coming in 40 minutes (6pm).

My mind is spinning.

Schizophrenia 1, me 0.

I'm sorry for being so annoying. Please tell me if you want me to shut up and go away, I will understand.

I think they may be able to do something, not sure what exactly.
It sounds like they do help in some way, could you take them til after your exams then consider changing?
Goood luck with htt xx

I don't know what they could do.

Do you know that "crazy" feeling when your head is spinning and going at five hundred miles an hour? That's what I have now.

Thank you dark_light, I will see what happens when they come in around 20 minutes.

I'll tell them I don't want to take my meds. I don't know how it will help.

Yeah i know that feeling, i just can't settle atm and can't sit still cos my mind is spinning.
Hope it went ok with HTT
Jo xx

They can force you to take the meds, which really isn't very nice.

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through right now SM.

The HTT encouraged me strongly to take the meds and I did. I also had a really good conversation with them where I emptied out all my emotions and problems, and they really helped. I feel a bit relieved, but also uneasy because I may never recover from this illness.

You put a smile on my face, CRL, and believe me, its hard to make me smile, so thanks.
How does BPD affect you day to day? How do you cope when things are bad?
I took my meds at 6.45pm, so as a result I am already tired. But hopefully this means I can wake up in the morning tomorrow.
Mental health issues suck. But as you say, we need to find a way to cope because there's no point crying about it all the time and not doing anything to help ourselves. So thank you.
CRL, where do you live?

I'm from London (Londinium as my location says).
The difficulties that you go through and how you survive day to day is very inspiring, and getting the rabbits so you can care for them is a very good idea.
I wish I could help. Although, it seems that your daily routine really helps you. Keep up with the good work. I find that a routine helps me too, although now I've finished school so the routine sort of goes out of the window.
Are you on any medication?
Once again, you are very inspiring. Keep going, I'm supporting you all the way.
I think the wireless connection I'm hijacking is about to disconnect itself, so I'll be back tomorrow.
Meds are also working now so I'm feeling very sleepy.
Thank you CRL; my e-mail is steel9maiden@gmail.com if you want to e-mail me about anything.
Do you have MSN? I don't go on that often, but it would be nice for us to chat one day.
Good night and best wishes,
SM

I'm glad it went well with the HTT and really i think for now its best you do take your meds at least until your exams are over, of course thats just my opinion.
I wonder what your definition of recovery is? I like to think we can all recover, we may never be cured completely but i believe that we can recover and learn to live with our diagnoses. I know someone who has been in similar situation to you and you would never know unless she told you. She is even coming off her meds soon and her dr thinks she will be able to manage without mediciation. I suppose i am saying that although it can feel like a life sentence, with the right treatment and support it doesn't have to be, it doesn't have to rule your life forever, one day you will conquer it.
Stay positive, its difficult now but you'll get there.

Thank you for your MSN address, I'm chatting to you right now.
I am so sorry that things weren't going well for you and that meds don't work either.
The side-effects of meds can really suck sometimes.
Good luck on the surgery btw.
I am the inspiration? *blush*
Who do you see (in terms of doctors) now?
Thanks Trace, you're fantastic.

I am useless. I really give up on my mental health. I didn't take it tonight. I just can't. Every time I look at that packet of pills I turn away.
Something is saying "take your meds! Take your meds!" but I am fighting. Do I want dead tiredness? Do I want to be stuck to my bed, unable to get out?
How long has your friend been on meds?

She's been on meds a few years, after a while your body gets used to the meds and those effects become less, they may not disappear but they are always worse when starting a new drug.
I'm worried what the HTT will do if they realise you have not been taking your meds. And you do need some sleep so you can do your revision.
Take care xx

My dad forced me to take my meds last night (he's a scary person btw) and I slept for 10 hours and I was still sleepy for the whole morning. I went running and my body gave up on me because my legs were stiff due to the meds. I've been having trouble revising because of the tiredness and mental sedation.
I still hear voices and I still hallucinate/imagine conversations. I still have multiple people in my head.

I'm not taking my meds tonight. Or tomorrow. Or the day after. Etc.

I'll tell the HTT just so you don't think I'm going alone on this.

Sorry I really have failed you all. But this has gone too far. My brain and body have been ruined by these meds.

I also get dizziness and some nausea to put the icing on the cake. And my blood pressure and resting heart rate have gone up.

I've bee on these meds for a year in the past and the side-effects did not go away. Even the side-effect antidote didn't work. I hate drooling.

You haven't failed anyone, side effects can be really hard to live with.
Is there not another AP they could try, the one i am on doesn't sound as bad as what you are describing.
I am not going to tell you you have to take them, i just don't want you to be in another situation like you were a few weeks ago.
Jo x

They won't let me change meds while I'm taking my exams. They're being stubborn. Or maybe I'm being stubborn?
These meds give me side effects and don't kill off the voices etc. So I don't know why I'm still on them.
If I stop taking them now, I might finish my exams before my brain chemicals have time to go wonky again.

That should discourage me, but for some reason I can't get myself to take the meds. I can't do it. The HTT told me about the consequences, but argh. Can't. Do. It.

I told the HTT and he told me of the consequences. I didn't take it last night and I feel strangely good, even if the voices are more frequent today. I feel slightly high for some reason. I also feel sick. But no tiredness even though I slept only from midnight to 6am (woke up twice during the night as well) and no stupid hunger. For once its almost three hours after I woke up and I haven't eaten a single thing, except drinking instant coffee.

La la la la la. Tum tee tum.

I should go and revise now, although my mind feels like its been chopped up into little pieces and scattered all over the floor.

feeling good doesn't mean the meds are a bad thing, it could just be a kind of high because of doing something you're not meant to, something potentially dangerous. when i stopped taking my anti-depressants last year without telling anyone, it felt good because it was like i was in control, but that feeling didn't last. i hope you're ok (i saw your post in serious) try to take your meds, or call someone.

I took the poison. The Devil is being very intimidating. I am quite scared to be honest. I am hoping to fall asleep soon so I can get out of this Hell.