Help
 

I feel really really low and depressed.

And I feel awful. I've had to say no to a major promotion because of my supposed mental I'll health. Why can't I just hold down a job like a normal person? I had to Tur down a contracted salaried job. Basically my dream of financial stability because I'm am idiot. I can't work and I can't get benefits and now my cpn is saying that everything just emotional difficulties.

Everyone totally invalidates how scared I feel. And I feel my needs aren't ever going to be met. And I don't know what to do.

I'm so sorry Lillie. I wish I knew the words to help.

Maybe it is time to get an advocate involved regarding your mental health care? You deserve so much more than they are giving you. Is the Cassel off the cards?

I want to tell you to keep going but I know it's not that simple. I will say that I truly believe in you, you are so much more than you think you are.

Love and stuff.

Everything is taking 5oo long. I feel awful. And abandoned.

And the won't sort put my meds so I'm addicted to loraz and I just a want to take loads and sleep.

CAn you cut down the lorazapam usage yourself? LIke take less each day until you're weaned off it? I know that's hard though.

What is it you want from your team? Like specifically. If we know that we can maybe help you find that support in different ways, like voluntry support groups and therapy.

What's going on with the cassell referral? Can you put pressure on your cpn?

I'm so sorry things are so difficult. I love Jodie's suggestion and I hope you get news on the Cassell soon. You can only do your best and it's clear you are doing tha. As you said to me nothing changes without you changing it. Hang in there xx

I want someone to call and see how I am and to help me make crisis plans. I need help with money and day to day life.

I keep asking r about ge cassel and she keeps fobbing me off.
I want a meds review to go back on Amisulpride or haloperidol but they don't have anyone for me to see.

That's so crap of them Lillie! Forgive me if I have got it wrong but do you have a new care coordinator or con now or did someone leave ? I hope they sort something out. So they do not have someone to do a meds review? I'm so sorry to hear this xx

I've text my cpn and she won't tell me if the cassel have said anything to her. Another week passed and she's not pushing it. She won't tell me what's going on.

I'm so scared. The thoughts hat are being put in my head are scaring me.

I can't explain. I'm numbing it out with pills and purging.

What am I supposed to do until word of the cassel comes through? What do I do when it's a no? I can't keep going. I don't know 2hat to do. I've tried everything. I want to die. I feel so alone.

Hugs I'm so sorry Lillie. I agree with Wonderland perhaps the CMHT can let you know ? I'm so sorry they are dragging their feet it is not acceptable when you are not coping like this xx

The cmht are even worse. They are investigating a formal complaint I made about them a month or more ago. Also her manager is the one investigating the cm plaint so I wouldnt want 6o talk to the manager.

If 8 can manage to make it through to Mondays appointment with my cpn I will be more demanding of specifics.

Not sure if I can manage not to take an od on Sunday hough.

Don't know what 5o do.

The pain is making everything harder. And my mood is so so low but I keep spending and I'm in debt now.

Hugs I'm so sorry Lillie is there a friend who could come and be with you ? If not I know you feel they won't help could you call the crisis team ? Thinking of you

You can't just call our crisis team you have to be referred.

I need to take pills but I'm at my mums. I can't cope with the men or the pain.

It's all a bit much and I need help.

Can you talk to your mum?

They aren't in.

Its been 2 weeks. The cassel is no further forward. Cpn hasnt a clue what is even going on their end.

Im crumbling. I am literally falling to pieces.

And now Im going to loose the £400 I dont even remember spending on a flight to the USA. I cant transfer the ticket and I don'y even have anywhere to stay when I get there.

The nearest available appointment at my drs is next week and Im in so much pain. The receptionist was useless and couldnt find out about my MRI.

I cant cope. Every single thing is telling me to take all my pills and get this over with. I have no support. And no one who cares. I feel so ridiculously alone.

I care <3

Hugs I'm so sorry I thought you were under the crisis team . I'm low on words but thinking of you .

So do I, even though I'm low on words.

Thanks guys.

Im a bit worried Ive dissociated and taken pills. I half remember like a dream but I cant find any empty packets. The dissociation/ out of body dreamy stuff is really bad at the moment. Ive tried all the grounding things I know how but its not helping.

I havent taken ANY benzos today though :D I am so proud of myself.

Ive asked my cpn to see a psych to talk about meds. She is going to try to fit someone in. She wants me to talk to the drug addiction people but I declined. She mentioned talking to their therapist while we wait for the cassel but we both agree that if it goes wrong I will probably die.

Shes heard nothing from the cassel. In two weeks. Absolutely nothing. I cant stand it anymore. My whole life is on hold waiting for this and they can't even keep me informed.

I dont feel ready to go back to work tomorrow but I desperately need the money. And its only 6 hours right?

I dont feel right. Its getting to THAT time of year. I feel vulnerable. I feel ill. I cant stop sleeping. Im in pain. Im hot and shivery and cold. I feel so exhausted. It feels like a warning from the man.

Please someone listen. Talk to me. Please.

I wonder if you feel physically so bad because you haven't taken any benzos today? They are so addictive that a day without can lead to horrible, and dangerous, withdrawals. I don't want to take away from your wonderful achievement of not taking any, just concerned.

Oh I didnt think of that. I find it hard to concentrate right now.

I love you <3

I'm sorry you're struggling so much and that you‘ve been let down once more.

Can you practice some self care?
I know it doesn't feel like a lot, but you need to be gentle with yourself and little self care things sometimes help people feel a bit better.

Im honestly exhausted after 2 naps and 11 hours sleep.

Im cuddled up with my kindle and a cuppa.

Are you not getting paid for sick leave?
Sorry, just being a foreigner used to people getting sick pays!

That sounds like a good idea.
What are your reading?

Basically no. And even if I did its capped at a rate that no human can live off and keep a roof over their head. I also havent told work Im signed off.

Teenage fiction about mind readers.

Hugs I'm low on words xx

Could do with some support. Decides to take some responsibility and go to a and e. I found many empty pill packets when tidying my room this morning so could have taken them Errr Monday night now? I mean I'll be fine but I should go. Maybe they can give me something for nausea and hurting joints.

But I'm scared they will laugh at me. Because I don't know for certain. I don't know what to say. I should have gone earlier but I had to work. And they will hate me because I smell from working in 30 degree heat all day.

And please. I need some friends. Some reassurance. It'll just be a blood test and then I can go home. Right?

*hugs*. I hope it is just a blood test but welldone for getting checked out. Any updates? How are you feeling now?

I'm sure they won't laugh at you or care what you smell like. There job is to care for you. X

They have been very nice so far. And treated me lovely though i got a ligjt scolding for going to work instead of coming straigt here. Just had some blood taken.

Things were normal enough to be allowed home.

Odd as I'm so certain I took them but they're saying I probably didn't take as many.

Oh well. Here's hoping I find some strength from Lord knows where to work tomorrow. I should have taken this week off to rest too. I'm I so much pain and I'm not sure how to handle it.

Hugs Lillie xx

How are you doing?

If you have any queries re employment, sick pay etc you should speak to your local CAB or contact the national CAB Adviceline (I've worked for both and they can be really informative and helpful :)).

Was your blood test ok?

As I said i n my previous post my bloods were ok enough to be allowed home.

Thanks, Ive looked in to sick pay and I couldn't afford to live off it and its complicated as Im on 0 hours.

Im in a lot of pain today and Ive already had to take prn to cope with the intrusive thoughts and the men. Its the time of year I know that but Id like for the first time ever not to fall apart or be sectioned.

I see my cpn on friday as shes off next week (shes always off when I need her) do you think itd be reasonable to ask her to call the cassel and see where things are at? Any other ideas of what I can as for or get help with to keep going?

Also any ideas on how to remember meds? I feel semi not with it a lot and I double dosed yesterday on accident. I only get a week so its easy to work out when Im with it but I wasnt.

Would a dosset box help or could you write the days of the week on the back of your medication? Is it remembering to take them that is the issue or not remembering if you have taken them? My morning alarm makes me solve a puzzle before turning it off, I wonder whether this might be more helpful than a standard alarm it is harder to just dismiss without properly registering what the alarm was for

I think it would be completely reasonable to ask her to get an update for you on the cassel.

Sorry I don't have any more advice.

Maybe Ill dig out my pill box thingy if I can find it. I tend to not be sure if Ive taken them so take them again out of habit and then later I will look at how many I have left and be like crap.

I dont know how to keep up the cheery facade anymore. Its just for work. But Im now sobbing on my break and walking to and fro. I just cant deal with life. I feel so low. I want to end it.

What can I do to keep functionng? Im desperate.

Coukd you ask for you sertraline to be increased?

Ill ask if and when I ever see a psychiatrist.

Now that you're under HTT they will have a psychiatrist attached so you should be able to see them for a medication review. Ask?

I will.

How can I get the best out of HTT? I normally just balls it up. Im useless.

Hugs I have no useful advice but you cannot mess it up. It is up to them to help you . Xx

Talk to them. Maybe write notes each day for them to read with details of what's going on and what you need from them so even if it's difficult to verbalize it you still have a way to communicate.

What do you normally find gets in the way of you using them?

They want definite concrete things to do and get annoyed when I say theres nothing they can help with.

Though I think I may ask for calls to help me take my meds only once. A meds review.

Ask them how they think they can suport me not to OD when I absolutely have to have painkillers around to function.

Those sound like good plans. I hope they can help you.

I think a meds review is definitely in order.

How are you today Lillie? Xx

I see htt later.

I have spent the day eating sleeping crying and ignoring phone calls from work. (ITS MY DAY OFF)

I feel so low and not ok.