struggling with voices and orders *update* *struggling again*
 

The HTT came they were in and out in 2 minutes because i didnt want to talk and they didn't ask.

i should have talked but i didn't know how

the woman voice is getting worse, she calmed down, but now she is threatening me if i don't do what she wants,

because if i don't save the child, i am a murderer and she will murder me in my sleep

i don't know how - i suspect something sly like poison, or making me suicidal, or taking over me and making me hurt myself like she drew on the walls

i don't know what to do

i am not feeling anything emotionally strong, but nervous and anxious about it

because i don't want to be murdered, i don't quite fancy that

i bought the spade - to keep her hush,

so i will probably have to dig in the morning when no one is around

but i can't believe she made me buy the big spade

i feel like an idiot for being a puppet

i don't know what to do to cope with this

or how to talk about it with real words out of my real mouth

like she is suffocating my voice box

ideas?? i mean, who does this to a person??

I would write more but I'm running out. Ignore the voices. Don't be for them or against them. You can hear them but don't start to get into mental debates with them, yourself etc. I see you realise the voices are trying to control you and have you do things you dont want. Nothing that comes from outside motivation is good. Don't act on impulses you know aren't organic to you. The voices lie - for you and others who hear them

Listening to music with headphones are good if you are hearing voices.

Yeah I have music has been helpful.

I went to bed early and took zopiclone really early. I don't eevn need the zopiclone anymore, I would fall asleep eventually, but I use it toknock myself out otherwise evenings are becoming unbearable.

Could ask for prn but don't know if I'll get it.

It's worth asking. The worst they will say is no.

yeah i see my psych on monday i will ask her - she makes me a bit nervous, she seems very stern and I've met her only once.

she was thorough and accurate, but you know like a head teacher that makes you **** yourself a little - she's a bit like that.

i will ask though bc evenings are very distressing for me right now, and difficult and just, pure hell. I would cry if i could but I've stopped being able to again but its like I'm sobbing underneath myself because i want the day to be over with

i tried ordering quetiapine but my dr obviously caught on because it was rejected,

i just want to od a little and be out of it for a few days

like a respite

i have no way of achieving this other than alcohol maybe? but alcohol is such a long and messy process compared to Q.

Things have gone pair shaped.

Being admitted. For ****ing hell. Help?!?

What would you like help with? Why do you think you've been admitted? What happened with your psych on Monday?

Understanding thing I guess. Or just getting through this. I feel so confused. I'm a murderer and I feel like that's why I'm here.

I didn't mean to be. I tried to save her and do the right thing. I'm goin to write a letter to read to her when I'm back home, and take her a bear.

The voice was talking whilst I last down. She stern whispered which shat me up.

I didn't see my psych in Monday it was cancelled to see psych on yesterday and I saw her Wales bc police phoned her and she got me admitted. And doubled my meds which make me vomit more. :(

Sectioned.

FML.

What happened to get you sectioned? Are you okay?

Hey love, I'm so sorry things are so bad for you.
Do you want to talk about what happened?
Thinking of you and sending love x

I sat in a tree to get away from everyone bc I felt like everyone was talking about me an laughing about me.

So I was put on 5(2) and have my MHA today which I'm nervous for because I spoke to a woman on the phone who's assessing me and I had I just walk away from the phone bc she stressed me out.

Dr said he thinks I'm psychotic episode which I'm upset by bc that demeans the reality of it. Also I don't get psychosis. Delusional when I'm manic maybe but I'm not manic and I don't even feel fully depressed anymore. I'm not great but I'm ok. I feel so confused how they can judge what's real and not real without even coming to the grave to see for themselves.

And I'm worried for MHA bc they're all talking like I'm gonna get sectioned longer which is scaring me.

I'm also on 1:1 which is annoying. All I did was sit in a bloody tree for some space. You can't section someone and put them on 1:1 for sitting in a tree.

I'm getting agitated every now and then and I'm really struggling with that feeling. Xx

when they asked you why you were sitting in the tree, what did you say?

Sorry your struggling. hope you get the help you need.

That I needed to get away from everyone and be alone bc people were talking and laughing about me.

They said I absconded bc I hopped the fence to the next garden but I thought it would be fine bc I was informal and it's just a gate to the next garden idont leave grounds even.

It suck though. Xx

Had my assessment. Section 2. What the ****?!?!

They decided in like 10-15 minutes. What the hell?!?!

So annoyed

Sorry you've been put on a section 2. Do you know when you'll have a ward round and be able to talk about the reasons for your section and what treatment plan they are reccommending?

Ward round is Thursday. They told me their reasons but I don't agree.

And the treatment is to continue my new meds and see as I only just started it. Xx

How has it gone over the weekend? Are you finding the new meds helpful at all?

Thinking of you.

New meds give me more motivation to do things which is frustrating in here.

My mood is levelling a bit I think

I had a bad day yesterday. A lot of crying about the child.

Had a better day today. The nurse mocked me for wanting to post a letter to her which made me angry but I've calmed down since and my friend came to see me which was lovely.

Although I'm getting irate with being 1:1 still. Feel like I'm gonna flip.

Ugh I lost my glasses being restrained last night and I'm not allowed in the garden to look for them.

What a joke!

Had ward round. Seems unlikely I'll be home soon. We are still having communication and misunderstandings.

FFS. X

Yeah I was talking with a patient but she's discharged now. A few of the nurses I can talk to and feel comfortable without judgement.

I wasn't allowed to look bc it was night time/evening and the night shift won't let me in the garden properly. We found them today though thank goodness. Some of the nurses helped me bc they all came running out thinking I was digging, so finding them helped me not get into more trouble.

I feel like there's a communication error because he called my psychotic and said that my experiences were symptoms of mental illness. I walked out. It's real. Obviously it's real.

I have been writing more letters to annabelle (the girl), and that I helping me process my feelings. I'm struggling a bit here all the people I was talking to have been discharged, which is good for them but now I'm left with a woman who thinks she's my mum and is bossing me about and being passive aggressive when I'm not doing what she wants. I'm probs gonna flip if she continues.

And I try to keep my distance but she follows me everywhere.

I'm really drained today and it's affecting my mood. Or it could've because of my mood I feel drained and low. I can still have a joke and a talk but i am struggling with my mood still. But I'm frustrated bc I reckon I could be managed with HTT and a med adjustment maybe.

Xx

A nurse day mentioned my "schizoaffective" disorder. I hope she's wrong. What the ****. I'm not schizoaffective.

For ****ing hell. How'd they even come up with that?

It's bull. I have mood issues I.e. Bipolar. I'm still trying to accept that.

She must be wrong but it's made me anxious about what the team are thinking.

��

I'm struggling ATM. I managed to go in the gym here today which helped release some tension and give me a focus that I have at home.

I'm looking forward to seeing annabelle. It is keeping me quiet and hanging on bc I want to see what she looks like seeing as I'm going to be caring for her.

Xx

Doped on lorazepam. I guess it's not been a great day.

I did something the voices told me to do, I'm going to get in trouble when they find out but I couldn't help it. It took over and when I ignored the se orders the other day my life was hell for the next 24 hours and I lost my ****. So I just did it.

Slept a lot today. I think because of the PRN. It kept me knocked out for ages.

Do you want to talk about what happened? Have you hurt yourself?
Has the prn been helping at all?
x

Like Emma has said do you want to talk about what you did?
Are the nurses aware yet of the said incident?

I wrote all over my walls all the voices and. The orders. I didn't self harm and I don't know what it says. I've been in TV lounge since so no one has seen it and I haven't read it either. I don't feel ready to read it right now.

I think it could be related to what I've been hearing today that my medication is to poison annabelle.

PRN helped last night although made me sleep for hours which helped bcauae it have me a deep and long respite from life which I've been feeling like I've needed for weeks.

On my chart I'm written up for so much PRN but I can't see what the others say. Is haloperidol used as PRN? I thought I saw that. Why I written up for that???

Xx

Why don't you ask the staff? :-) we can't speculate. I was also written up for haloperidol prn whilst IP.

When I ask they start talking about how I have symptoms of other mental illness and that agitates and upsets me. Xx

Do you think maybe the meds are to help with your agitation? Maybe they aren't more specific because of your reactions? Instead of focusing on the mess, why not focus on ways to manage your distress (whether it's mh related or not)

Yeah. I'm only distressed because they're keeping me here and stopping me from doing what I need to. I think they're not specific bc of my reactions. I don't think I'm in a place to be listening to psycho- babble lately.

I can't sleep so I changed my room aroud and tidied. I was gonna smoke out my window but there are people in the woodland outside my window (homeless maybe) anyway their foot steps and voices freaked me out bc I'm ground floor on case tey came up and snatched my rollie.

So I left it. Coulda got away with it else bc my 1:1 is asleep and I compromised they can have the obs window blinds up if I can **** the door bc sometimes it gets so noisy.

Might take him up on the Offer of zopiclone because I don't want my sleeping pattern to be messed up and now I've been awake
Le for longer than my compensatory hours napping.

Yeah that's possible. It all got added to my chart after I was restrained.

Xx

I just flipped at the night staff too. Xx

I have to wait until my ward round. So I really hope I come off it this week. I spoke to other staff about it and flipped some more. I got an apology in the end from one of the staff involved.

I've had a nap this afternoon but put an alarm on so I can sleep tonight.

My mood overall feels fine but I don't know what's going on.

I've been told lurasidone is trying to poison the child so I was told to stop taking it. I didn't take it last night (slyly) they think I did.

I don't know how they could possibly want to murder a child. Since doing what the voices have asked they have been queitwr and less aggressive about me being a murderer so that's good. I've been told to write on the walls again but I'm trying not to. I don't think they noticed that I have done yet or no one has said anything which is good bc I don't know how to explain it. It's a weird message that I don't understand. Xx

Love take your meds. promise this isn't real. i know it hard to believe i really really do. but try to reach out and touch,,, argue bacj,, fight. i know you will fight ou're so strong.
love xx

You know that medication is being used to kill children? And they're trying to kill annabelle.

I pretended to take it bc it started to turn ino an ordeal and they threatened the injection. I think they're evil for trying to kill children so at least I can manage to not take that tablet secretly.

I'm very upset about all of this and just cried loads. I just can't understand it.

X

can you tell a member of staff that you like about your worries?

i spoke to my 1:1 this morning about it. she's very lovely member of staff.

I didn't tell them that I didn't take it though, I'm not telling them because they'll make me take it or inject me and that's not ok.

but I've had a chance after some sleep to talk about my worries, and I spoke with my nurse last night too because I had a break down and started crying about it. xx

I got told off for the writing.

Kind of.

I just went quiet and awkward because I don't know how to explain it. X

I want to kill myself

I ran away to do it. Got caught. PRN.

FMB it's too much

On 1:1 arms reach. Which is doing my head in. Had loads of stuff confiscated.

I just want it to be over. I can't take it anymore. Xx

They're talking about PICU. seriously!!

I'm scared

They room searched and found all my stocked up meds and confiscated them.

:(

I hear that you are scared. It must be difficult to have your room searched and things confiscated. Can you see why it might be necessary though?

Do you think you could communicate how you are feeling to a member of staff? Maybe the nurse you spoke to previously.