Everything feels weird and I'm an angel, and no one believes me
 

Everything feels weird. I know I'm an angel but im feeling extra spacey and floaty compared to usual.

I finding reading hard, and things that shouldn't move keep moving. My vision is blurry and I have no idea why.

Yesterday when I was trying to talk I kept getting blocked by something, I don't know how I am today I've not had to speak to anyone yet.

I feel really unmotivated but I'm not sure if that's an effect from my OD's this week (all the meds I took are calming/sedating)

Or if it is just me that is unmotivated

And I'm getting annoyed because no one believes me that im invincible.

i am in Starbucks and there is another girl in my class here. She is writing. I need to ask her if she is wet rioting observations about me because I feel like she is spying on me. I'm nervous in case it turns into another fight.

I just don't feel comfortable.

I don't know what I'm asking for. Does anyone relate. Is anyone else here an angel who can help back me up and prove people wrong?

Im sorry to hear how ur feeling. Your not on ur own as Cacoethes feels the same way. I know when u feel like no one believes how u really feel but all we can do is try and reach out to someone who understands.

Are u seeing a doctor or counseller about this? Seems like u could with going back to the doctor and asking for some extra help. Would this be a good idea?

I know u dont have the motivation but its good that u can speak to us on here and we wont judge or anything. Do u think theres more then one or two things going on at the moment? You mentioned about the girl in ur class writing something down about u. Are u sure they were checking up on u?

Maybe speak to the girl and just check if u and her are ok. Just be poliet about it and say only that.

Remember were here if u wanna talk x

I can see that you have some firm beliefs at the moment about being an angel, invincible, and like people might be spying on you. It does seem to me like those might be delusions. I know that's hard to think about, especially as it feels so real to you.

Can you talk to a doctor, maybe your psychiatrist, about this? If it were true then they'd be able to confirm it. And if it's a delusion they'd be able to treat it. So it's win-win really.

I can definitely relate to no one believing me when I talk about what I experience (I also feel I'm immortal/invincible, amongst other things), and I know how frustrating that can be!

Have you sought any medical attention for the ODs? As although you may feel fine, sometimes overdoses can do damage to your organs that is unnoticable until it's permanent.

For the floaty/spacey feeling, is there anything you could do to try to ground yourself? For example, smelling scented candles or pressing down on a hard surface, anything really that helps you stay present.

Also, seconding (thirding? is that a word?) speaking to a doctor about this if you half can :)

I got 136d by trying to pore my invincibility because it wa going to be so epic as unbelivable that I wante someone to record it.

Police came. Handcuffed in the van for like 4 hours and now I'm in 136 waiting for a social worker to come. I don't wen know what a social worker has to do with this.

I feel drained. I've been stuck in the same room for 13 hours for what? It's so stupid. They just can't accept that I'm gifted and they're normal.

I mean, I don't see Harry potter being sectioned for being a wizard or anything!!!

Ugh. FFS

Section 2.

I'm so angry and upset and mortified I just face planted my bed crying. I'm finding it really hard not to lash out because I'm so angry.

Hopefully it will not last too long

Another cage in the back of another van at midnight because that's when you transfer people obviously.

I'm super nervous about the new ward and after freaking out because the walls were moving about and my head was jumping outside of my body in a warp kind of way they gave me prometheazine and I was basically stoned into a slumber.
Then I got used to my room.

Tbh this all seems so out of hand and ridiculous over reacting.

I mean I'm sat in a ****ing cage. Like a ****ing animal or criminal. I'm only an angel of invincibility and a secret genius.

That's good stuff surely.

If they ruin my education they'll be sorry because it will impact the future of this country's progress. They've all akcnoedged how incrediy smart I am so tey should know really not to **** with the future.

It's just ridiculous.

Harry Potter never got sectioned because he is a fictional character.

Sorry to hear you've been sectioned. Hopefully they can help you feel better soon.

It sounds like you're in the best place right now even if it feels really tough and scary. You'll be looked after by the doctors and nurses and once you're more stable you'll appreciate how ill you were when you were sectioned.

I just really don't feel Ill. I'm at Lambeth which is jut a huge mh hospital and I can hear people screaming and ****. My ward is quiet everyone is morbid except one girl who is near my age

Well 18

I just can't wait for ward round so they can let me home. I'm just auibv football in the garden on my own, I just don't have nag other clothes thbough and I'm drenched.
Well well ������������

Seriously this is jokes.

Thinking of you lovely. If you need to talk you're welcome to pm me, you've helped me a lot on my threads so happy to help any way I can.

Thanks lovely.

I'm a bit annoyed. I've been feeling quite good and they made me have promethrazine and quetiapine and I didn't want it.

Apparently I'm making everyone feel unsettled. And I'm doing the nurses head in.

Ugh. It's like they want me to be depressed or something.

Ward round tomorrow. Hoping to get off section and go home.

This is jokes.

Sounds like the staff are being a bit unhelpful to you in what they've been saying. How are you doing now?

They've put mh meds way up. It's annoying because they have put it up too much and after one lot of the new dose I feel so sleepy and zombie like they've ruined my fun, and they're trying to ruin my gift to make me like them.

My dose isn't high by standards but I'm v sensitive to meds.

Dose increases make me super sleepy for the first few days too, hopefully it will pass quickly.

Did they explain why they had put them up so much? I find the dose of my medication that stops me being high is quite different from a dose that keeps me stable and that stops me being depressed. It can be a case of just optimising the dose for different interactions in the body depending on how you are doing at the time.

I know it can feel like they are taking the fun away but they are taking away the risk and the bad stuff too, hopefully once some of the drowsiness wears off there will still be fun you too.

Yeah my friend said that and he gave me caffeinated coffee which has helped.

He said he was increasing it but id didn't think that much. I think it's quite unecassary to be honest.

I feel like they're trying to sabotage me.

I'm on a new ward and it's really hard here. I can't go out and have already flipped at a nurse because he was being a p**** about PRN.

They said ask for it if you need it so I did bc voices were causing me issues an I was getting very distressed then he messed about giving it to me and said how am i gonna cope in the community without demanding drugs.

So I flipped and got told off but eff him. I got it on the end though so his lecture that doing that wouldn't get me y way with PRN was pointless because essentially I did. If you look at it like that.

My temper is so short before I go crazy and get aggressive. It's weird. I'm either super happy or super aggressive. I've flipped and thrown **** at people loads now I don't even understand. I'm not normally so quick to BE aggressive. I have aggressive thoughts but now I literally am lashing out constantly. It's weird.

I can see the board and I'm a risk in 3 categories that are numbered so I don't know what. On the last board I was only a risk in 2, self and others. I wonder what the third can be.

The nurses in here on the day are rubbish. Seriously they're terrible.

And I've not been outside since being moved here.

And my friends are being massively useless and unsupportive. Makes you realise who your friends are when you're stuck in these kinda of situations. But I'm not worried. It's cool. I'm a cool person so I can make more. Not a problem.

I am getting frustrated but drawing helped me process my anger.

And they forgot quetiapine in my dose tonight which I'm happy about.

So I'm gonna have a party in my room all night long!!!!

I'm sorry to hear what a rubbish time you're having. It does sound like the staff are being inconsistent and I can relate to how difficult that is, especially if you're stuck inside without leave. Well done for drawing to express your anger safely though, that sounds like a good way of managing the aggression.

Sorry to hear about your friends being so unsupportive too, that must be really upsetting. It's okay to feel put out by that, I would be too. But if nothing else there's plenty of us here on RYL who are rooting for you and are here to listen.

Thanks. I was woken up by my favourite nurse this morning and we had a chat. He's really lovely and rational and I explained to him about what happened yesterday and he said it didn't sound very good. So I feel more justified in my feelings.

My mum is coming to see me today which is nice and ex mrs tomorrow who is being very supportive. I didn't really sleep last night because I was too energetic and happy so I spoke to ex mrs all night until staff said I had to go I my room at 5 or so.

I'll PM you epicine it corrected that to epic one. My autocorrect thinks you're awesome lol.

X

In other news they forgot my quetiapine so I'm still feeling epic.

Your autocorrect is right!

I'm glad you were validated by the nurse, it makes a difference to have a member of staff on your side. It sounds like you're still quite 'high' though; would you consider taking the quetiapine to help get a good nights sleep? It might make you a bit drowsier than you'd like but you can still feel good on it. It won't take away your feelings.

Hope you enjoy your visits and they help brighten your day.

Yeah I agreed to take it but they forgot to give it to me and I didn't remind them LOLOLOLOL. I was just dancing to elvis. Whipped out my moods and this woman started going crazy she loved it lololololol.

I meant moves

"Whipped out my moods" is an amusing typo!

Can you remind them about the quetiapine? It might be better than get more manic and have PRN forced on you.

Sorry your ill

^^^ I'm not reading your messages because I doubt their helpful. Just saying so it's pointless posting you know. I'm gong I kindly ask you to stop causing trouble with me if you have nothing helpful or positive to say. I'm not being one of your dramas. Drama over. End of. Our Drew a line under it.

-----------------

They'll probay remember it tonight. It was probably a mistake.

I've had the most rubbish day today but I've calmed down now. I didn't understand what happened with the dr today an I don't understand what symptoms they're seeing compared to some stuff I now is symptoms and a me xperiencing. And if no one is straight with me how can I be aware you know?

My mum saw me though. That was nice. He's trying. She's trying really hard.

And I'm allowed leave finally.

Yay. I hope I sleep tonight. I just want today to be over with. I'm sick of people sabotaging me out of jealousy.

Just because I'm invincible an smart. It's silly. Jealousy is such a stupid thing.

X

What happened with the doctor today?

I'm glad your mum is being lovely and you're allowed leave. You say you think people are sabotaging you. What makes you think that? I find it quite rare that people do things like that, even if it seems like it. Quite often it's a misunderstanding or a breakdown in communication isntead that can be solved with a conversation.

Everyone's talking about me and trying to make me think I'm not gifted.

The dr was all, "are you trying to convince me you're xyz?"
"No"
"Do you think you're xyz?"
"No. I'm fine"
"Do you think you're invincible still?"
"Yeah"
"Well I was going to discharge you but by saying that you've just said to me that you want to stay in hospital"
"Whaat!!?!"
Then she said she wasn't giving me leave and then said "what about HTT?"

I nodded.

"You've not said anything"
"I'm nodding yes"
"What to, I asked two questions?"
"The HTT what else did you ask"
"Well if you didn't hear me you're obviously too mentally unstable to go home?"
"What?"
"Are you suicidal?"
"No"
"But you cuts on your arms"
"They're old and if I was suicidal u would cut here here or here. I'm not suicidal"
"It's just because of your presentation before"
"Well I'm not suicidal I'm fine. I've got loads to do, college Uni then research for Nobel prize. Races and exercise etc"
"Mum hmmm no you're not stable that's the end. We've spoken about everything now you'll probably be stuck here til Tuesday now because of the bank holiday. Why don't you think about that and reconsider why you're saying you're invincible? Maybe it's a protective thing to cope or sometimes people have other mental illnesses aswell as your other Dx and your showing signs of mental illness"

---

Seriously. Just what. She's all over the place.

I asked a nurse what's going on I'm confused. He said he'll sit with me and go through it tomorrow.

I'm so confused.

Im gonna ring my mum. I feel bad that our visit got ruined by that and a few other pathetic dramas.

X

I spoke to a nurse last night and she was actually a bit helpful.

Someone was supposed to talk to me bout what's happening today but he's not done yet. I feel at a more normal pace tody and slowed down but like I could learn and adapt to it which is what they said.

I feel like I've lost loads of weight (been unite actor running around and barely eating) which im annoyed about bc I wanted to just tone up and am worried I've lost muscle mass which is upsetting.

Hopefully if I stay stable and not high til next ward round I could go home.

Fingers crossed.

I'm going to give the quetiapine a go bc I feel like I was starting to come down from my high naturally anyway (it's been a while) and if I take meds it could prevent a depression.

Although I really want to test my invincibility tonight and have figured a way. I'm not goin to write how incase I trigger someone. If I survive though then boom: proved. They can believe me, this whole thing can be settled and people can accept my gift and leave me to get on with my business: you know?

X

The nurse did talk to me.

I feel rubbish and I hate that I have to fight this and I hate that I had to come into hospital.

And yeah. Ugh.

I heard the words room check I swear so I'm covered in contraband under my clothes lol.

Feeling ninja.

And ****.

But ninja all the same.

Well the room check stuff was all paranoia. And I had a dream that they searched my room, found xyz that I shouldn't have and shouted at me. Woke up though and none of it had happened although I swear I heard it.

Maybe it's just anxiety.

I feel depressed today and I just want to go home.

If I wasn't invincible I'd kill myself. I have everything I would need if I was a normal human.

It's frustrating.

Sounds like you're still going through a really tough time. Have you tried to talk to any of the nurses again? If you are feeling suicidal it is really important to share that, even if you do believe that you are invincible.

It's so bad in here. It's hell.

I've asked for stuff, stuff I should have or should have happened already and nothing.

I don't feel like I can approach the staff here. When you do ask for something it's like you're being a nuisance because they're so busy doing nothing.

One is sat reading the paper: seriously? And someone was supposed to take me out for my leave.

I literally keep hearing stuff really clear then realising it's paranoia/imagination. It's stressing me out because if they check my room I will get into trouble.

I also woke up and found blood on my bathroom walls in writing this morning. It's still there I can't be bothered to talk about it. The cleaner saw it ignored if so I'm going to keep it hush hush. (I know it's mine I have cuts at least it's mine lol- else I'd be freaked out!!!)

This place is a total joke of a ward.

X

That's so frustrating about the staff. I know how it feels when you want/need things from staff but they seem really busy and don't follow through on what they say. But the person reading the paper is definitely NOT busy! Perhaps you can try and remind them about your leave?

I'm sorry you are hearing things and that your room is distressing you. Maybe it would help to sit out of your room for a while? I know when I hear voices it can help to be around other white noise to make it feel less intimidating.

I'm just anxious because I keep hearing them say about room checkig my room

And I have SO MUCH stuff that I shouldn't.

Like coffee, razors, lighters, tobacco, meds

If I'm in the communal areas I get pissed off at the staff.

And my 'friend' keeps talking to me and I haven't got the patience to work out what sea saying amongst her slur

Also, I have a rash and I'm getting fat: just to make things better.

I need to stop eating the custard.

And I need to exercise.

And I feel lonely.

Are you safe with those things?
I'm sorry you self harmed.
Can you talk to staff about it? Some time the support workers are better than the nurses because they have more time x

I don't want to talk about the self harm i feel like it is between me and my part.

I have more dangerous things in my room. It's a source of entertainment for me because its hilarious that they have no idea.

I'm safe though. No intention to hurt myself and I've barely drank the coffee because there's no sugar or right sized spoon so when I made bit it was grosse lol.

X

glad you have no intention of harming yourself.
whats your part?

Dissociative part. Little.

I feel like that is how it communicates. It's not an ideal method but better than no method and allows me to access what I am really feeling when I'm cutting off accidentally : if that makes sense.

If you want to do it then that's up to you.
But be aware the consequences could be bad.

Do what? There are no consequences.

I doubt there will be any whenever I've self harmed I. Hospital their not bothered so that's cool.

I'm not arsed. I don't see why it's concerning. It's just one of those things it happens.

X

Consequences like not getting leave/having leave stopped, being put on 1-1 etc.

Can you try and share the self harm maybe on behalf of the little part? It sounds like its communicative to some extent, so maybe your role could be to share what happened in a healthy way.

I get that you have some sense of control by having harmful things on you, but staying silent means they really cant help. You deserve to have the best chance of them helping you.

I hope that you're able to stay safe etc.

I also wanted to say that the reason you're not allowed these things in hospital isn't just for your own safety, although obviously that is important, but also because there are other vulnerable people there and realistically, if you bring things that you shouldn't have on to the ward, you can't guarantee that no one else will get hold of them.

I can see that you think it's amusing that the staff don't seem to care, but I hope that you decide to talk to them and hopefully that will be more useful for you.

^ I never thought about this but could be putting others at risk if they ever got hold of this stuff.
I think you should hand them in. Even if it's just to keep other safe.

This is very true. When I was in hospital i was that desperate to kill myself, i went in everyones rooms and took everything i could find that would harm me, I found a razor blade, and cut my wrists, when they asked where i get the blade from, and i told them in x room, and that person got well and trult bollocked.

My room has been searched and I handed it over.

I was given anti bc wipe to clean it. I feel guilty for wiping it away, like wiping way her only voice. Like shutting someone up who needs to be heard.

I told them I didn't tell anyone about it or when I got voices telling me to do it because when I did I got told off for asking for PRN.

They said that I should ask for PRN though.

I didn't get told off and still hope that I get discharged. They said it's up to the consultant.

Hopefully she lets me go.

X

Leave has been suspended. FML.

What did you expect to happen?

Nothing.

It happens at home all the time. I just clean it up and move on instead of making a fuss of it.

X