Need a little help please Updated
 

Hi guys I'm sorry to post and take up space in here when people really need help with something. I am struggling a lot with things still even though certain things have improved quite a bit. I am doing eating disorders outpatient and trauma therapy in a different service at the same time so in terms of treatment I'm at last in the right place. I have been in and out of eating disorders services for over a decade and I finally feel safe enough to engage and talk even if I don't want a full recovery but just gain better skills to manage my illness. Instead of seeing a psychologist I'm saying a. Brilliant eating disorders nurse who luckily agreed to see me as a trial of ten sessions but we have to come up with a plan to justify extending them and she asked me to come up with a list goals to have accomplished. Some eating disorder behaviour related and others not. My mind has gone blank and I don't know where to start . Sorry if I'm wasting people's time . Any ideas would be great. Thanks guys.

What kinds of things do you want to achieve with her help?
I've been asked the same by my counsellor and I know one day I'd like to live without this constant fear, but I'm kind of clouded on. Do you have any things you could work on short-term to lessen the anxiety so that you can have more clarity in what you want to do?

Hi.
I’m glad you finally found someone you can open up to, knowhow hard it is. Her request is very good as it’ll make you think about the therapyin a more proactive way. It’s not enough just going there and talking about it,you should try and actively think about the benefits you could get from it.

Guess you could start by thinking of the influence ED had onyour life: did you neglected some of your interests, how did your education andcareer go and did it suffer because of lack of concentration or possibletreatments you had? What happened to personal relationships, friends, family,boyfriend, girlfriend and has ED had any bad influence on that? Maybe if you could pinpoint those things, youcould start thinking about how it would all look like without the illness andthat could be your goal J

For example, I became a control freak when it comes to woodwhich subsequently influenced my behaviour in general and I became this rigidperson who had to control everything, not just food. So one of my goals is totry and relax more, not freak out every time something unexpected comes (thisone is not ED related). The other goal is to try having some ‘’unsafe’’ foodbecause it won’t kill me (this one is ED related). This is just a suggestion.
Good luck J

Thank you both. I suppose apart from needing a safe space to talk about and survive the abuse therapy, body image is huge for me , as is eating independently . Thanks so much guys. X

Hey,

There's no need at all to apologise for posting, you have as much right as anyone else to ask for help.

I'm glad some things have improved for you, and it's brilliant that you're feeling ready to engage and talk even if you don't want to aim for full recovery at the moment.

The questions above sound like a great place to start, and body image and eating independently are really important things to consider with your goals definitely. Could you try to make some specific goals related to those - things like being able to cook yourself a main meal and eat it independently, getting some help to think of some meals that you can have on your own if you're struggling, getting back to any particular hobbies or interests that you had before your ED (or new ones that you'd like to try)?

Take care xx

Could you work with her to set goals as short, medium and long-term?
Sometimes breaking things down makes the whole process easier. You're doing so well!! Just do what you can- I'm sure your nurse understands

Thanks guys I love all those ideas and really at 33 I should be able to feed myself and eat alone and in company instead of just with my mum or staff. I had lunch last week which was enormous progress and in a busy environment as usually I only eat in the evening but I did fall apart afterwards. I don't know I have some health issues which are linked to hormones which is really scaring me I'm scared it's something awful and I can't think past that tomorrow. I'm sorry I'm a bit of a mess.

One goal could be eating a meal out with friends? I remember last time I saw you, you said you hadn't practised that yet, which is what made me think of it!

Me and another member on here both love margherita pizza and when she was going IP for anorexia we said that one day we'd meet up and have margherita pizza and then about two years later we actually did and it was so exciting! So maybe something specific like that would be a nice goal?

With body image, is there a certain type of clothes that you tend to avoid because of body image? Buying and wearing such an item could be a goal? Even if at first it's just wearing it round the house, not necessarily going out in public.

Other ideas: eating a pre-ED favourite food without compensatory behaviours, choosing a non-diet version of something you usually get as a diet version, or what about something completely random, like doing one of those photoshoot things with your mum and enjoying getting your hair and makeup done and posing for loads of fancy jpgs.

Hope some of these are the sort of things you're looking for!

Ask yourself, where do you see yourself in the next 5 years? Visualize that and it's a great way to discover what you want your goals and achievements to be.

Thank you Jordan Leigh and Jenna . I will take all of these suggestions on board . I'm just dreading tomorrow so hopefully when I know what the course of action with the health stuff is I will be calm enough to take it all in. Thank you all x

Hi Helen blood results were medication and hormone related. Still waiting on the results of the ct scan of my head and one more scan on Friday . Really not coping to be honest with what's happened. So much guilt and shame and I feel so fat. I don't know how to manage. The thoughts are piling in but I'm scared to mention them in case they judge me or discharge me for being fat. I can't even think straight to tackle the list I'm sorry I don't even know where this all came from and it's not what this thread is for :(

Hi guys I'm sorry to pits again but I just feel frightened and fat and ashamed it's hard even to type this. When I saw my eating disorders nurse Thursday it was really hard and stressful and also quite confrontational ( I do understand it sometimes needs to be) . She basically said that it seems my anxiety levels are so high all the time so people don't believe me ( this struck as a bit strange because in the past when I'm really anxious about treatment be it outpatient or being at step up for a meal I have run away to deal with anxiety so staff have no idea what state I am in . I don't mean to it's just I don't may be I can't make sense of my anxiety either? I just hate myself so much I don't really know what to do I feel like I must be some sort of fat monster. Sorry I'm really not making sense.

Hey,

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling so much. It's so draining being so anxious all the time. Do you think you could write down some of your feelings about the anxiety or the treatment so that the staff can know what's going on for you?

It's a horrible feeling to feel like you hate yourself so much, but you are not a 'fat monster' - your perception is distorted at the moment, and you are not going to be judged or discharged for being fat, it's just your thoughts telling you that. Keep talking as much as you need to here, there are always people here to listen.

Thank you liv ! She asked me to rate my anxiety which I have been doing as well as explaining what my thoughts are at the time. I'm considering increasing my medication as I dropped it down when I stopped managing some of my meals as I thought it was wasted . I had an argument over food with my mum and I feel awful for acting like that but I was frightened. Today I just feel sad and tearful as well as anxious. I'm finding it so hard not to cry which is pathetic. I just feel so fat and like my body doesn't belong to me and the thoughts are so bad and violent. Sorry I'm rambling. I hope you are doing ok.

Hi guys sorry to post yet again. I just can't cope with things I feel so fat and out of control. I feel so weird I've had lots of flashbacks and I just want to stop I feel like food violates me. I want to disappear. I see the ot tomorrow and I'm scared I will breakdown and she will see how hard it is or think I'm making it up I'm so confused with the whole cry wolf I don't know how to explain I'm more likely to withdraw and it's only recently I can be around so people can see what's going on. I need to punish myself and I don't know how long I can put it off. I'm sorry to post again x

Hi sorry to post again I'm just really struggling and feel so fat and out of control. My appointment for trauma therapy seems to have worsened all the guilt and shame about the fact that I do eat solids now and I've been having a hard time justifying continuing to do so and now just feel I should stop. Also I feel so ashamed because when she read what I had written for my homework on guilt she laughed and I'm so ashamed and embarrassed because I had worked so hard on the homework. I don't know what to make of it. Sorry to go on.

Truly well done with the solid foods- especially with so many things happening. Can you talk about how you felt with your trauma worker? *hugs* that's more than harsh that they laughed

Thanks Helen no you can use my name. Had dinner want to tear myself to pieces. I'm not sure it was odd I don't feel that safe with her and she really pushed a lot of things unrelated to my abuse that are difficult and she doesn't understand eating disorders which can make explaining things harder. I realise I probably got the homework wrong as I wrote more about guilt in my life now than in relation to my abuse but still connected all the same. I'm going to add to it and see if it helps. Everything feels overwhelming and I'm scared about seeing my eating disorders nurse as she explains she feels I'm always anxious and it's like crying wolf in her eyes and I'm such a fat dirty waste of space sorry I'm rambling.

*hugs* Jessie, so many people don't understand with eating disorders, but it's strange as so many people develop eating disorders as a result of trauma. If that's how you feel the guilt you have a right to that. So much of the way you experience trauma with eating sounds related to the abuse you experienced. You have a right to how you feel. I hope your eating disorders nurse can understand how much you're struggling. I' always here if you need to talk <3

Thank you Alannah. I feel huge and frightened and fat. I think I'm emotionally retarded it is hard to feel safe and allow people to see my distress beyond baseline anxiety fidgeting with my hair and at times poor eye contact. I'm terrified I'm eating in a cafe for the first time in year it's too much I am frightened and too fat. I don't know I'm sorry.

It sounds in that post as though feeling 'fat' comes into things when your emotions are very overwhelming, is that possible do you think? I can understand that fear and anxiety, and the poor eye contact and fidgeting etc, and it can feel like a huge risk to allow people to see your distress, but if you could manage to speak to someone, or to write your thoughts down and show someone, it would be really great.

How did it go eating in the cafe today?

Thanks live I managed but it was hard and I did leave part of it as some of it triggered trauma memories. I feel so fat lost and broken I tried talking to my mum but she is frustrated and annoyed and has gone out and I feel lost and I'm crying alone by myself pathetic but I wish I wasn't on my own again and I know that's needy and pathetic but I'm tired of being alone and crying. I'm sorry I don't deserve to post .

Feel so drained and fat and broken. I hate myself so much for hurting my mum. Cried for hours last night. I still feel fragile today. I can't find the words. Sorry to post again.

Thanks Helen it was difficult and confusing with my nurse. I swear I'm emotionally retarded or at least very numb and suppressed emotionally. I can be really distressed and crying you know doing normal stuff walking the dog or shopping ( not hysterical sobs but definite tears and feel really depressed and sad and anxious) but the second I'm with a professional or even sometimes my mum everything is buried so deep I can't show my emotions. Then everyone assumes I'm crying wolf or fine but I can't show my distress. Hate myself I feel fat dirty and selfish. Sorry to moan on. I hope you are ok Helen x

*hugs* it is so hard to let people in I know. Hearing you lovely- and you deserve that care from others when you can let them know you need it <3

Thanks Alannah. I hate my body and feel so fat and awful. Really struggling with feeling so low and scared most of the time . I know my mental state is snowballing but I'm scared I can't show people. X

*Hugs* Jessie. I understand that feeling so well because I feel it too. Can you write what you feel and show the people who need to know that way?

Thanks Alannah I disgust myself I want to rip myself to shreds. I'm so fat and out of control. I keep losing it. I feel like I'm violating myself repeatedly again and again. I feel polluted. I've had too much I am too much. I want to show someone it hurts but I can't I deserve nothing. I need to lose. It is out of control. I feel so desperate but if I try and show someone they won't believe me. I don't know what to do. I'm selfish I must stop posting . X

It must be incredibly painful having that amount of self-hatred for yourself, it sounds like you're being awfully hard on yourself.

Telling somebody how you feel at the moment would be a really good idea, and you do deserve that support. You are absolutely not digusting, or too much, and you're certainly not any of the other things you said about yourself.

Don't stop posting - keep reaching out for help here as much as you can. x

Thanks Hun I don't even know I feel so fat and drained. I don't know I'm a mess but numb now again at least. I had a massive flashback while helping my mum sort dinner I still feel violated and fat and dirty but more detached too. I'm going to talk to my eating disorders nurse on Thursday and hopefully my gp tomorrow. I need more control too as I feel so fat and food feels too chaotic. I'm rambling I don't know any more :(

Flashbacks are awful, but the numbness sounds like it's given you space to think about talking to your ED nurse. Can you plan or write down what to say so that you ca get what you're feeling inside across?
I hope you're feeling better some. The feeling fat is part of this. Is there a way you could talk with your ED nurse to plan food and make it less chaotic?

Thanks Alannah. Gp was great I feel a bit less of a freak she explained how I'm just very shut down emotionally and that it will take time to become less so. It's not that I don't feel emotions I do for myself and others I'm just not demonstrative always so hopefully I can discuss this with my ed nurse and the trauma lady. I do find being so shut down really hard and distressing I don't want to feel so dead inside. I think it's more everything is making me feel guilty and I'm getting frustrated with the rituals even around making a drink. Hopefully my eating disorders nurse can help. Thanks both of you I hope you are ok . X

Hi guys I feel so low and exhausted. This week has been chaotic. My eating disorders nurse has suggested I try a traffic light system to help me express my distress. I ate out in a proper restraunt with family on Thursday and it was overwhelming but nice to see them. It was sad though because they kept picking on my cousin and they mentioned things about her being overweight it made me sad. I was meant to eat at a party but I chickened out and saw a friend and it upset my mum. I feel really scared and shaky as I'm so triggered by texture as well as weight and calories. My mum got angry as I couldn't eat all of something on my plate. She wants to talk to my eating disorders nurse Monday as well which makes me nervous. Sorry I'm waffling. I wish I felt empty and clean :(

I can relate to being so shut down like that, it can feel very isolating. The ED nurse's suggestion about trying a traffic light system sounds like a really good idea, what do you think about that? The staff here have suggested that I use flashcards to express how I'm feeling - e.g. a smiley face or a sad face, or just saying things that 'I could do with talking to somebody' or 'I'm not great, but I'm not ready to talk at the moment', would anything like that help?

Well done for eating in a restaurant, that must have been very scary but you did it!

Would it help to stick to some of the 'safer' textures while it's making you feel triggered, and then maybe challenging yourself to certain things when you're feeling up to it?

Take care xx

Thanks Liv. It's so hard and frustrating. I'm anxious today I think or numb I feel confused. I'm going to see how it goes. I'm scared that if I remove all the foods that trigger I might never be brave enough and then won't have the support to bring them back in. So once a week mum will make a trigger food and we will rotate them. I hope you are doing ok x

*hugs* It is hard, frustrating, confusing- I'm here with you in these feelings and it can be so hard to try find a way out just to be as what people see as "normal" and do such little things like eat out. I did that tonight by myself in a pub and it's so many hard to handle feelings, not to mention being with others and you did so well in that. I know what you mean about taking away trigger foods and the support- I have foods like tinned tuna I don't eat because I ate it once when I felt ill and now it induces nausea- you are right to think to use that support while you have it. What does your ED nurse suggest?

Thanks Alannah I honestly don't know. I feel so low and awful before the argument yesterday I felt slightly better I do get that I won't feel good all the time but I don't know I'm scared people don't believe me. I know it's good to feel ok but genuinely I don't feel ok that often I don't mean this in an attention seeking way it's just how it is at the minute. Today has been bad constant arguments I hate myself so much I'm so fat and dirty and so stupid. I'm in a lot of debt and things are hard financially for my mum too I feel it's all my fault. The flashbacks are awful and the sensation of my body expanding won't stop. I'm confused with traffic light system I've just cried a lot and I feel I need to punish myself I don't know I'm a fat drama queen I'm sorry .

I feel like someone is standing on my chest and so exhausted I feel pinned to my bed. I feel I'm falling apart inside the memories and sensations are cascading over each other. I'm fat and there is too much of me. I hate myself so much. The violent thoughts towards myself feel too much. I'm scared of losing control of my body and my mind. I don't know what to do? Sorry I shouldn't post these things .

First of all, Don't you dare, ever be sorry for posting how you feel. *cuddles*

I'm so sorry you're feeling so low darling, I can really relate to that crushing feeling. Have you ever thought about trying some breathing excerisies/relaxation? I know it sounds silly, but it can be really usefull when things are getting too much?, For me, when I'm having intrusive thoughts I'll go sit in the garden & play with the cat & focus on that solely for however long it takes to drown out the bad thoughts. Do you have a safe place you can go & relax?
Being scared of losing control over things is pretty daunting but try to remember you're an adult & you have control over your life. Not just your body & mind. Have you ever done any self-soothe teqnuies?, its something I learnt in hospital & its pretty helpful:

Many of us have never learned how to self-soothe, how to do those often simple things that makes us feel better. These are mostly very physical techniques, that use different body senses. Some of us have never had the feeling that we could do things to make ourselves feel better, calmer, feel relaxation or pleasure. I urge you to experiment with these techniques until you find some that are comfortable and helpful for you. And when you find these, practice them. Use them when you are feeling distressed, when emotions feel overwhelming, when situations feel like you can't stand them any more. Instead of doing something that hurts you, try something that gives you pleasure and comfort,

SELF-SOOTHING has to do with comforting, nurturing and being kind to yourself. One way to think of this is to think of ways of soothing each of your five senses:
Vision
Hearing
Smell
Taste
Touch

VISION:
Walk in a pretty part of town. Look at the nature around you. Go to a museum with beautiful art. Buy a flower and put it where you can see it. Sit in a garden. Watch the snowflakes decorate the trees during a snowfall. Light a candle and watch the flame. Look at a book with beautiful scenery or beautiful art. Watch a travel movie or video.

HEARING:
Listen to beautiful or soothing music, or to tapes of the ocean or other sounds of nature. Listen to a baby gurgling or a small animal. Sit by a waterfall. Listen to someone chopping wood. When you are listening, be mindful, letting the sounds come and go.

SMELL:
Smell breakfast being cooked at home or in a restaurant. Notice all the different smells around you. Walk in a garden or in the woods, maybe just after a rain, and breathe in the smells of nature. Light a scented candle or incense. Bake some bread or a cake, and take in all the smells.

TASTE:
Have a special treat, and eat it slowly, savoring each bite. Cook a favorite meal. Drink a soothing drink like herbal tea or hot chocolate. Let the taste run over your tongue and slowly down your throat. Go to a potluck, and eat a little bit of each dish, mindfully tasting each new thing.

TOUCH:
Take a bubble bath. Pet your dog or cat or cuddle a baby. Put on a silk shirt shirt or blouse, and feel its softness and smoothness. Sink into a really comfortable bed. Float or swim in a pool, and feel the water caress your body.

I understand those feelings so much at the moment and my heart goes out to you- nobody, least of you deserves to feel that way. And those feelings of being too much of you. I have them too- I guess everyone is entitled to take up space in existing though it feels so hard to accept that. Does anything help to keep you grounded so those thoughts and actions can't take over?
Sending love- I'm always here to talk

Thanks Alannah I just feel really raw and vulnerable as well as fat and so violated. The intrusive thoughts are making me feel so unsafe. I'm trying to pretend to be ok but it's slipping I've spoken to friends more and I feel awful for burdening them. It's just spilling out everywhere. I'm nervous about my eating disorders appointment as well as haven't made as much progress as I should have. I don't know I wish I could disappear. :(

Progress is hard sometimes and at those times just maintaining where you are and reaching out can be the best thing to do. You are doing so so well to stay strong lovely!! *hugs*

Thanks Alannah I just had a massive flashback when the window cleaners came. Mum helped me ground myself but I keep slipping in and out and things feel unreal and odd. I'm terrified food will trigger the memory more and won't be able to swallow., I feel a mess. My body still feels it's expanding I feel weird. Sorry I'm making no sense.

I'm sorry you had a flashback. Are you feeling any better now?
Your body can't change that quickly, even if it feels like it; it takes a while to put on weight, and it doesn't happen instantly, even if it feels very difficult and uncomfortable.

Thanks Sophia. I'm just feeling so huge and out of control. I fill like fat is filling all of me. I saw my eating disorders nurse and I'm scared I won't manage what she is asking. I cried so much today. I hope you are ok x

I think I've mentioned before that 'feelings are not facts'? The way you feel, and i know it must feel very distressing, does not meal that that is fact.

What is she asking you to do?