A crossroads *autobiographical*
 

So I thought I'd try to start talking about my last few months or so and I find writing an easier way of doing so and wondered if anyone was interested. No worries if not but if you want to read more please say, if not I'll let this thread drop :) So here we are, first instalment, will post more if anyone's intersted:

it started when I started to let people in. Before that I was living in limbo, a kind of half life, caught between insanity and sanity. And then I opened the door, let the wild dogs free, allowed people access to the kaleidoscope of chaos that surrounded me, and reluctantly put down my defensive sword of fear and let them 'help' me by agreeing to go to a psychiatric unit, once again, although this time by choice.

As they were searching for a bed I quickly ran around my room trying to think what I would need, what I would not, what needed taking care of, such as my plants which I cared for religiously and I thought I might loose in the upheaval.

Rucksack packed I stood nervously outside, the air biting a little, waiting for a member of the home treatment team to take me a place in which I was supposed to learnt to control the chaos, to reach for the seemingly impossible bar of normality.

I wanted to reach for this so badly, to prove that I could be a functioning, productive member of the human race, and so stepped fairly willingly into the car, crossed my fingers, and hoped that sanity would be waiting at the end of the journey…

I like your style of writing, i''d quite like to hear more in the future i think :) x

Thanks :)

I love how you write, and I hope that writing some of this here will be helpful for you x

So good to see you writing again. I look forward to seeing more please.

Slow ascent
 

Thanks for the lovely comments :)


Installment:
I got out of the car, walked up a small slope, feeling for all the world like I was mounting Everest but not wishing to see what was at the top. Myself and the lady from home treatment walked into the hospital, vaguely familiar from a previous admission until we reached the locked psychiatric ward. We were buzzed in and I felt my stomach twist as we were allowed in and the familiar click of the door to freedom rang out.

I was shown around to reacquaint me with the ward which was somewhat familiar although now lacking a Christmas tree and a change in patients. I looked around at it all tiredly but slightly reassured by knowing the location of everything. I nipped out for a cigarette, inhaling deeply and gratefully, watching the smoke as it curled and spun and then disappeared, grateful to be on a ward which had a garden which you could access pretty much when you liked, although the tall metal fence reminded you there was no escaping, if you were foolish enough to try.

Finishing the cigarette I said farewell to the home treatment worker and made my way to 'my' room where I sat cross legged on the bed, head in hands, wondering how yet again I had let it come to this.

Womderful =)

I hope you keep writing, I'm enjoying it so far :)
Also I'm glad it helps you to talk about things x

I love reading your writing buttons-the other night I searched for your past autobiographies and spent most of my nights reading them,it takes my mind of things and i love the way you write.
If/When you ever publish books I will be straight down the book store-just saying :-)
p.s Just so I haven't missed any can you just clarify how many you've written (and the titles) cause I can't help thinking i've missed one thanks!

Thanks guys, will try and write some more soon :)

ajrocls thankyou so much I feel really honoured!! To my memory I have done Definition of crazy, welcome to the show and destruction diaries, stepping back into crazy and excess.

The fall
 

As I sat, my mood plummeted, I felt so incredibly hopeless and despite the bustle of the ward so terribly alone. Concerns that made little sense to those around me but which were blaringly bright and unignorable to myself blossomed and bloomed, taking over my mind, convincing me that the only way to save all I loved and cared for was to sacrifice myself.

I carefully knotted a ligature and tied it tighter and tighter around my neck, knowing as the sparks flew in front of my eyes, as my lungs gasped for a breath not forthcoming, and my eyes felt as though they would pop out of my head under the pressure, knowing that I was saving all I cared about.

As the bright blaring hospital lights glared down on me I hid my face, ignoring the cold clinical feel of the walls, somehow taking my mind somewhere else, somewhere kinder, softer, for what I believed would be my final moments...

no problem-i only speak the truth! :-) and thankyou i believe i have missed one then (kicks herself) that'll be my bedtime reading for tonight though yey thanks! p.s and brill instalment above as usual :-)

I think I've said this before (sorry for repeating myself!) but I love the way your words can create such vivid imagery and provoke such strong emotions <3

Love this Katy, I hope writing helps you.
You articulate everything so well when you write x

Yay I'm really pleased you're writing again x

cant wait for next installment :)

I am interested in more. I really relate to some of it. Thank you for making me feel less alone. Hugs.

Flare of light
 

I was sure these were my final moments, I only raised my head from my space hiding beside the toilet in the bathroom to beg God to forgive me for choosing to check out early, hoping desperately that he would understand I was doing so out of what I then believed to be necessity.

Suddenly light flared and a nurse was asking what I was doing, having not seen the ligature tied tight as a promise around my neck. I took those few moments to tie it tighter, hoping and praying that this would be enough to end my life before she realised what was happening.

Unfortunately, she realised....

yey she's back :-)
Great instalment :-) xx

Thanks lovey <3

You made a mistake.

'Fortunately' she realised.

Love you and your writing.

I love your writing as well... and I will have to go back and find your earlier stories as well *hugs*

As many have said, you write very well with good imagery and figurative language

Knife edge
 

Thanks, much appreciated <3

'What the hell are you doing?' the nurse screeched, pulling her alarm then attempting to wrench the ligature from around my neck.

I fought her, holding my hands protectively over the material around my neck, begging my body to give up the fight before she came back with reinforcements. But it was not to be.

Before I knew it they were upon me and I felt the cold side of a ligature knife slide underneath my last salvation and cut it free. I sat in shock, gasping as my lungs instinctively drew in the oxygen I had deprived them of.

I was dragged to my feet and brought to the office where I sat as the nurse who found me broke into a tirade of words that hit hard as heavy rain, about how selfish I was, especially having pulled the ligature tighter in front of her, and telling me how my observation levels would be changed to one to ones, which made my insides crawl and squirm inside my stomach. One to one observations once again. How would I cope with this yet again?

Keep going! I like reading your writings.

It is impossible to describe the painful self-awareness of being constantly watched, especially if you are being constantly watched by another person. I ate slept, dressed, undressed and used the toilet all under the watchful eyes of staff members. It hurt my pride immensely and made me ache for the freedom to do daily tasks in privacy. I tried to swallow my pride but it stuck fast in my throat. I couldn't, no matter how hard I tried, accept such limitations to my privacy.

*cuddles you up*

Luck
 

Sorry it's been a while guys:

Luckily the observations were only one to one, not arms length, so that when my grandmother visited she wasn't aware of the level of obs I was on. We had a wonderful time despite the watchful eye of the nurse in the corner, planning Christmas and pretending none of this **** was happening.

But it was. I had a nurse visit my room after my visit and ask how I felt about moving to a more local unit. I thought about it and said I would prefer to stay there, but it was not to be. The next day I was shipped out to another unit, closer to home, which I had experienced before. I sank back in my seat and hoped that things hadn't changed too much, except for the better.

I would soon find out...

The ward:
 

Arriving on the ward which felt oddly familiar and yet slightly menacing I stood patiently through the humiliation of having all my property searched and then finally being able to go to my room to deposit that which I had been left with, then swiftly being locked out of it, which made me feel suddenly trapped, exposed, under a microscope. I have always valued my privacy and this invasion was too much to bear.

I sloped off to the oh too familiar dining room and pressed the button for soup in the vending machines, an old favourite of mine that I hoped would be up to standard. It was, and as I sat sitting I watched the world of the ward go by, wondering how/if I could fit into this world again. And whether this was where I truly belonged....

*hugglres* Love it.

loving it cant wait for more :-)

Just found this, I've always loved your writing style, I'm glad there's another instalment to your autobiography! Keep it up if it helps, and just on a side note *safe hugs* take care hun x

I love it too *hugs* can't wait for more too

Friends in unlikely places
 

Thanks lovelies, heres the next part:
Soon I encountered the first of the people I would be sharing my life with for the next however long.

She was a cheery blonde with a wicked sense of humour. We later spent many hours playing the slipper game, which consisted of aiming to flick our slippers off at various targets, human and inanimate. We were terribly mature.

Gradually I learnt the layout of the rest of the ward; who I could talk to, who was best left alone, and some who nobody had any idea about.