Personal Piece- Contains upsetting material - A crossroads *autobiographical*
So I thought I'd try to start talking about my last few months or so and I find writing an easier way of doing so and wondered if anyone was interested. No worries if not but if you want to read more please say, if not I'll let this thread drop :) So here we are, first instalment, will post more if anyone's intersted:
it started when I started to let people in. Before that I was living in limbo, a kind of half life, caught between insanity and sanity. And then I opened the door, let the wild dogs free, allowed people access to the kaleidoscope of chaos that surrounded me, and reluctantly put down my defensive sword of fear and let them 'help' me by agreeing to go to a psychiatric unit, once again, although this time by choice.
As they were searching for a bed I quickly ran around my room trying to think what I would need, what I would not, what needed taking care of, such as my plants which I cared for religiously and I thought I might loose in the upheaval.
Rucksack packed I stood nervously outside, the air biting a little, waiting for a member of the home treatment team to take me a place in which I was supposed to learnt to control the chaos, to reach for the seemingly impossible bar of normality.
I wanted to reach for this so badly, to prove that I could be a functioning, productive member of the human race, and so stepped fairly willingly into the car, crossed my fingers, and hoped that sanity would be waiting at the end of the journey
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. Oscar Wilde
Its hard to dance with the devil on your back. Sydney Carter
I like your style of writing, i''d quite like to hear more in the future i think :) x
I feel insane every single time
I'm asked to compromise
Cause I'm afraid and stuck in my ways
And that's the way it stays
So how long did I expect love to outweigh ignorance?
By that look on your face I may have forced the scale to tip
I love how you write, and I hope that writing some of this here will be helpful for you x
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
Installment:
I got out of the car, walked up a small slope, feeling for all the world like I was mounting Everest but not wishing to see what was at the top. Myself and the lady from home treatment walked into the hospital, vaguely familiar from a previous admission until we reached the locked psychiatric ward. We were buzzed in and I felt my stomach twist as we were allowed in and the familiar click of the door to freedom rang out.
I was shown around to reacquaint me with the ward which was somewhat familiar although now lacking a Christmas tree and a change in patients. I looked around at it all tiredly but slightly reassured by knowing the location of everything. I nipped out for a cigarette, inhaling deeply and gratefully, watching the smoke as it curled and spun and then disappeared, grateful to be on a ward which had a garden which you could access pretty much when you liked, although the tall metal fence reminded you there was no escaping, if you were foolish enough to try.
Finishing the cigarette I said farewell to the home treatment worker and made my way to 'my' room where I sat cross legged on the bed, head in hands, wondering how yet again I had let it come to this.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. Oscar Wilde
Its hard to dance with the devil on your back. Sydney Carter
I hope you keep writing, I'm enjoying it so far :)
Also I'm glad it helps you to talk about things x
I feel insane every single time
I'm asked to compromise
Cause I'm afraid and stuck in my ways
And that's the way it stays
So how long did I expect love to outweigh ignorance?
By that look on your face I may have forced the scale to tip
I love reading your writing buttons-the other night I searched for your past autobiographies and spent most of my nights reading them,it takes my mind of things and i love the way you write.
If/When you ever publish books I will be straight down the book store-just saying
p.s Just so I haven't missed any can you just clarify how many you've written (and the titles) cause I can't help thinking i've missed one thanks!
"And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back so shake him off."
ajrocls thankyou so much I feel really honoured!! To my memory I have done Definition of crazy, welcome to the show and destruction diaries, stepping back into crazy and excess.
Last edited by Buttons. : 01-10-2013 at 04:09 PM.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. Oscar Wilde
Its hard to dance with the devil on your back. Sydney Carter
As I sat, my mood plummeted, I felt so incredibly hopeless and despite the bustle of the ward so terribly alone. Concerns that made little sense to those around me but which were blaringly bright and unignorable to myself blossomed and bloomed, taking over my mind, convincing me that the only way to save all I loved and cared for was to sacrifice myself.
I carefully knotted a ligature and tied it tighter and tighter around my neck, knowing as the sparks flew in front of my eyes, as my lungs gasped for a breath not forthcoming, and my eyes felt as though they would pop out of my head under the pressure, knowing that I was saving all I cared about.
As the bright blaring hospital lights glared down on me I hid my face, ignoring the cold clinical feel of the walls, somehow taking my mind somewhere else, somewhere kinder, softer, for what I believed would be my final moments...
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. Oscar Wilde
Its hard to dance with the devil on your back. Sydney Carter
no problem-i only speak the truth! and thankyou i believe i have missed one then (kicks herself) that'll be my bedtime reading for tonight though yey thanks! p.s and brill instalment above as usual
"And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back so shake him off."
I think I've said this before (sorry for repeating myself!) but I love the way your words can create such vivid imagery and provoke such strong emotions <3
The only time you will find real light is when you're searching in the dark..
I was sure these were my final moments, I only raised my head from my space hiding beside the toilet in the bathroom to beg God to forgive me for choosing to check out early, hoping desperately that he would understand I was doing so out of what I then believed to be necessity.
Suddenly light flared and a nurse was asking what I was doing, having not seen the ligature tied tight as a promise around my neck. I took those few moments to tie it tighter, hoping and praying that this would be enough to end my life before she realised what was happening.
Unfortunately, she realised....
Last edited by Buttons. : 24-10-2013 at 07:55 AM.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. Oscar Wilde
Its hard to dance with the devil on your back. Sydney Carter
