Scared out of control and planning to run away
 

Hi guys I know it sounds pathetic but I feel so FAT and dirty. I'm seriously thinking of running away. I do not have much money so I can't go far or for long but I feel I can't be trusted as I keep craving salt. I deserve to be punished for this. I can't restrict enough. I need to punish myself. I know I don't deserve anything but I don't know what to do. The shame is tearing me apart. I'm so sorry xx

Jess, sorry you feel so bad right now. I'm sure the logical part of you will see that running away will just cause more problems and upset for your mam especially.

A craving of that nature may well be your bodies way of saying something is wrong- could you speak to a doctor about it as something may be able to be done to get rid of it and thus reduce your anxieties.

Can you talk to someone about how you are feeling? Perhaps your mam or a friend or even the samaritans?

Perhaps you could make a plan of how to constructively spend your time over the next few days until you start to feel safer?

Thank you lillie I really don't deserve this support. I keep bursting into tears I'm so ashamed. I will try the gp I saw the locum who is replacing my doctor until she is back from long term sick leave I saw her today and she was so nice. I've told one friend but I'm so ashamed. I need to be thin for my CPA as its very important meeting I really don't know what to do. I used to fast so easily I'm not even sure if it would still count as fasting everything feels too much. I need to accept support if I want to return to uni in September but I'm FAT and they will laugh at me . I'm sorry I sound like a broken record :(

Glad the doctor wasnice- hopefully she suggested something to help with the craving?

Being thin for your CPA won't make it an easier meeting and will change nothing other than further ruining your health- from what I know you are thin already. I'm sure they won't laugh at you- its unprofessional for a start. It is also obvious you are struggling a lot which they should be made aware of so they can make the best possible suggestions to help you.

Can you arrange something to do with this friend? It is good that you have motivation in wanting to return to uni.

Aw lillie thank you. I feel so hideous and FAT. I keep telling myself today is a new day but I feel eaten alive with guilt and shame. I will try but I feel totally disgusting. It makes me feel I don't deserve to mix with people. I'm so sorry this is so pathetic xx

I HATE my FAT body so much. I'm such a freak I can't have the safe thing anymore the sight of it makes me feel ill I'm so ashamed but I'm sick to death of it! Technically have found something else that is safe but I still feel hideous. I need to tear the FAT from me. I'm trying to put off running away but the urge is strong. I don't want calories near me ever. Sorry to post again xx

Firstly, running away is a bad idea; you are under the care of professionals who are likely to panic if you disappear, and that is likely to result in loss of choices/freedom for you when they do eventually catch up with you.

Jess, you are dangerously underweight. You are craving salt because your body isn't receiving the basic nutrition it needs to function, and most likely, your electrolytes are out of whack.

I think you really, really need to try and co-operate with the doctors and people, because this illness is destroying. I know you think you need to be thin, but you are already way past that. You will always want to be thinner until you accept that this illness is distorting your perception of reality, and I know it's easy for me to say, and hard to believe, but it is true.

Your body, your brain need calories to function. To process information, to regulate temperature, to replace blood and skin and hair cells, and to just be alive. You simply cannot function on zero calories, and fasting is incredibly, incredibly dangerous.

You need to, at the bare minimum, try to keep your fluid level up and if possible, try to drink some electrolyte drinks.

What's happening in regards to inpatient treatment?

Thanks so much Sophia. It's really hard I retain so much fluid due to the salt I have that getting an accurate weight is hard. My bmi is not critical so I'm not eligible for inpatient . I feel so worthless I don't know what to do. I feel so ill and dizzy. I just can't do this anymore. I'm so sorry how are you? Xx

I know it probably seems like I'm lying to you, and you have no reason to trust me, but you are incredibly ill Jess.

You cannot be retaining a significant percentage of water, because it's simply physically impossible, even if you disagree. You need to try to restore your electrolyte and fluid balance, even if you're not maintaining enough calories. Have you thought about trying electrolyte drinks and plenty of water?

What support are you getting right now?

Your so kind Sophia I'm so sorry . I just feel I don't deserve anything. My outpatient ends on 31st but I have a CPA before then. I'm also being transferred to the severe and enduring eating disorders team in January . I do feel quite desperate and the urge to run his huge. Sorry I'm a broken record x

Jess, you sound ill, you sound frightened, but you don't sound like a broken record. You deserve for things to be better. Don't run. It will not help.

Do you think there's any way you could try to at least keep up your fluid intake? I promise you, that drinking water will not make a massive difference to your weight.

I'm having more than water but I can't say what. St rule breaking I'm so ashamed sorry x

Jess, you are ill; you have nothing to be ashamed of.
I'm glad you are having enough water.
Perhaps the next step might be to try and introduce calorific drinks, like powerade, lucozade, milk, chocolate milk, hot chocolate, or even, Complan.

Thanks Sophia its too much I gain on very little I should be punished for this! I'm trying a new routine which seemed to help yesterday. I'm so ashamed of my body it's tearing me apart. I'm nervous I'm meant to go to the seeds clinic on Monday but I asked to have my nurse changed as she really doesn't like me I haven't heard from my therapist whether this will happen. I'm really embarrassed I should of kept my FAT mouth shut

You gain on very little because your body is panicking, Jess. When your body is starved, it will keep the food that you eat and store it because it doesn't know when it'll get fed again. If you ate more, this wouldn't happen so much and your metabolism would even out and you'd be healthier. If you are feeling this bad and frightened, sure you need to do something about it rather than stay this way? You asked for support here, do you know what it is that you want exactly?

Well done for asking to get the nurse changed. I am sure that your therapist will sort that out for you, she's just busy at the moment which is why you haven't heard anything. If you haven't heard soon, why not give her a call?

Is fat the worst that you can be, Jess? You could be horrible, bad, evil but you're not. Those things are far worse than fat but you're very kind and compassionate and understanding and you need to look at those qualities and appreciate that they're far more important than what your weight is. As long as you're healthy and happy, it doesn't matter how much you weigh.

I love you ♥ Sorry I don't have much advice..

Thanks Hun I feel so FAT dirty and disgusting. I spoke to my therapist about changing my seeds nurse and nothing had been done. She basically said it was me wanting more than physical monitoring coupled with me finding it hard ! I HATE myself right now. I know I not worth anything this FAT but I still wish just one professional would believe me . Sorry i don't deserve to post x

How do you feel about what your therapist said? It's possible that she's saying this for a reason, so maybe it's something to think about.

Professionals don't believe you because you're not fat and they're trying to help you. I know it's hard but why not try to go with it for a while and see how that makes you feel?

I know you feel these words Jess, and they are real to you, but that doesn't actually make them real. Like Belle, said, you're a good person. Why would you like your SEEDS nurse changed? I'm a little confused.

You deserve to post Jess. You deserve nice things, you deserve to be free of this awful illness. Are you able to speak to any of your professionals at the moment?

Hi thanks both of you. Yes I hate physical monitoring but I understand its not therapy I genuinely get a vibe that she really doesn't like me. They feel I'm too FAT due to the FAT and fluid. I really want to run I can't be in my body anymore.the shame is eating me and the shame is strangling me. I can't breathe for the FAT. That is all she said I was crying when she was talking to me I couldn't say I wanted a change because they would take the support away. I'm sorry I'm not making sense. I don't deserve your kindness x

I guess physical monitor is necessary because you're so unwell, but you shouldn't have to put up with an unkind nurse. Are you able to talk to anyone about your feelings surrounding running away?

You do deserve kindness Jess.

Not really I can't think who to talk to. I know it's so immature of me but I want to run I would be lying if I said I didn't. I know I couldn't believe they said I would get dropped if I changed! I'm so sorry. How are you? Xx

Running wouldn't make your feelings any different, and it wouldn't make your illness go away, it would just cause you more problems. It's not immature, and I can understand wanting to do it, but you need to think carefully about it.

They said you would get discharged if you changed SEEDs nurse?

And you don't have to ask how people are, this thread is for you, but I'm good thanks.

The implication was that I might get dropped or it would take a long time to find someone else. I HATE my FAT body I deserve. To be punished I'm out of control. One more day like this and I have to run I can't be trusted. Please help me I'm so sorry x

I don't think they think you're fat at all, Jess, I think they're trying to help you. Even if you were fat, it's the thought processes that are problematic and causing you distress and they are continuing to see you and help you, regardless of your weight. Try to think about it logically and see how far you fet with that.

Perhaps you could mention that you get the vibe that she doesn't like you and explore that with your therapist. That doesn't mean that you have to switch nurses, it may just mean that you look into this issue and make it easier for you to be physically monitored. Why might you be dropped if you attempted to change? When I didn't get on with one my professionals from the CMHT I ended up going to my doctor in distress and she got the professional to have a word with me. It must have been one of the most awkward phonecalls of my life and I think I blagged my way through it but it turns out that there was fault on both sides and we've sorted it out - and the fact we disagree can sometimes be a good thing to knock me into gear!

How about instead of running, you go with the theory that you haven't got much left to lose? I know that's quite a defeatist way of looking at things but when I have felt bad, I've sought help and accepted support because I figure that things can't get much worse and I have nothing to lose. It's the motivation that has kept me going, although it can be detrimental, and it allows you to help yourself more when you're stronger. If you feel this bad now, why not take a stab in the dark and try to feel a bit better?

You deserve our support because we are giving it to you. If you didn't, we wouldn't bother. Simple as that. I know that sounds harsh but it's true, Jess.

Argh I'm FAT and out of control and disgusting. I really want to run away I felt so ill my mum made me have some things with calories. I'm so disgusting and FAT and don't deserve to breathe. I'm now FAT forever and it can't be undone. I just can't be trusted. I need to punish myself. I'm so sorry

Jess do you know how calories work? Like the bodies requirement for nutrition and calories to function and perform things like breathing and such? The calories will not have made you fat- they will be used by your body to help you become less ill which will in turn help with things like completing your assignments etc.

Punishing yourself really wouldn't change anything love instead of perhaps making you feel even worse. What are some positive distractions you could engage in?

I feel so distraught I keep having really violent thoughts towards myself. I think maybe I'm a FAT freak and my body is different. If this happens again I think I want to escape to a cheap hotel. I keep pleasing my mum I can't be trusted. I'm sorry I shouldn't be posting thank you for being so kind lillie x

What honestly will going to a cheap hotle achieve do you think? You'll still feel as distraught and n your own in unfamiliar surroundings with no form of support and no way to pay for it.

Your body works in much the same fashion as everyone elses- hence why everyone the world over needs to eat to live. You may feel fat and thats horrible but life isn't about what you look like- can you write down other non appearance based things you like about yourself?

What can you do to stay safe and distract yourself?

I'm trying to read some journal articles but still feel I could physically tear the FAT off. Just so dirty and ashamed. I know it's just being near the calories terrified me. I'm so sorry x

Well done for trying to read some journal articles- keep going with that. Maybe try to sleep soon though and start a new day tomorrow?

Eeek my mum wants me to have another drink with calories in I'm so FAT it's insane! I just want to be good clean and thin. I want someone to believe me and not judge me . I just feel so utterly hopeless . I'm sorry you don't need this x

I don't think it's insane! I think that your Mum cares about you and doesn't want to see you like this.

Nobody's going to believe that you're all those negative things about yourself because you aren't. That might be hard to hear but we don't think you need to be good and clean and thin because you are absolutely fine as you are.

You're so receptive and expressive when you text me, Jess, but I notice a difference between the texts and your posts here and I wonder why that is.

Hi belle thank you so much I really don't deserve it. It's weird I probably post here in the moment of anxiety or despair so this is more what's in my brain uncensored whereas texts are more thought through? Nonetheless they both feel so real does that make sense? I just feel awful I really can't cope with the shame and despair right now the urge to hurt myself is strong. Iim putting off running slowly I'm seeing a friend Monday the seeds nurse I don't get on with on Tuesday and I have puppy classes for the first time wednesday night. Hopefully by Thursday I may feel calmer. It's just everything I have inside me feels too much and like I can never escape the FAT. Thank you guys it all feels a bit clearer x

It sounds as though you have a lot of things to look forward to this week, Jess. Perhaps you could note down one/a couple of positive things per day, no matter how small, and look over them next weekend if things aren't so great again? That would show you that things aren't as hopeless as they may feel.

Okay, that makes sense. So, what do you think about the support you receive here because it sounds, to me, as though you do take it on board and you try your best to listen to what we're saying, it's just hard for you. The difference that I read in your texts is that there you acknowledge that people are saying nice things about you and that you recognise that it's hard to accept them, whereas here, you don't notice them, so to speak. Does that make sense? How do you think you could introduce the slightly more rational you have when texting to your moments of anxiety?

**** I can't cope I'm a FAT C##T who should crawl away and die. I've punched and smacked my head so hard because I felt so disgusting my ears are ringing! I'm terrifiedof being alone and not being ill enough for help I can't stop crying. I'm so pathetic I'm sorry x

There's no such thing as not being ill enough for help. You are getting support here, Jess, and you have a therapist and are physically monitored. I know it might not seem like it but that is support. You have a Mum who cares about you and you are meeting your friend on Monday. There are people who are willing to support you if you let them. How do you want people to help you?

Be careful with yourself.

I don't know it's all my fault because I'm FAT. If I'm honest I feel too FAT and worthless and not ill enough to accept what might help but on the other hand I want someone to just decide so that it gets done? Does that make sense. I'm so fearful too. I want to work on my methodology for my dissertation but I'm so anxious I can't think. I'm so bloody useless. My head really hurts. I'm selfish I know I think I can't articulate what's happening in my head? This ramble I'm sorry xx

I'm terrified I have physical monitoring today I am FAT I cannot hurt myself enough. I have physical monitoring and feel so ashamed especially as I asked to have my seeds nurse changed but I see her today and I'm so embarrassed. The sight of my body makes me physically sick, my legs are so swollen with fluid they ache. I don't know anymore I'm too disgusting and FAT for help I'm so sorry x

I had physical monitoring today. It was awful. I looked enormous. It's tearing me apart being so FAT. I think they will drop me from seeds clinic they are talking already about me visiting the clinic once every three weeks or even monthly. I feel so terribly unwell but because my weight is high and I'm FAT and worthless and my blood pressure is through the roof they think everything is fine. There is fluid in my face, hands and legs I look like the Michelin man.i just want to destroy myself. Nobody believes me. I'm so thirsty I can't stop drinking its so out of control. I drink nearly two litres of water and diet coke a night. I want to stop. I can't help the thought I've spoilt everything with my greed and FATNESS I'm so sorry.

HATE my FAT HATE my BODY. I don't feel human. No amount of punishment will ever be enough. I feel so hopeless. I deserve nothing. I'm out of control I'm too much. Nobody will ever believe me. It would make all the difference if one professional believed me without question I'm sorry I don't deserve to post x

I'm FAT I don't mean to be mum says its fluid retention I want to believe her but I don't think I can. I'm not even human. I don't want to be dischargd please help me even though I don't deserve it I can't see my mum suffer x

Jess sorry you are struggling. Try to remember the fluid retention is not fat and is a sign that your body is unwell and struggling to cope. How would you not being discharged mean your mum would suffer, I don't follow sorry.

I'm sorry lillie thank you. I'm all over the place. Nobody believes me. I don't know how my bloods are stable and my legs ache from the fluid in them. I'm so ashamed. She would suffer as she can't work because she helps me and I'm FAT and dirty ad make her life hard. I've still so much to do for uni but today all I have done is cry I just feel so terrified and ashamed. I feel I don't deserve help but scared they won't believe me as I know I need to do something to get back to uni. I just won't to hurt myself I hate myself so much I've had to try and stop myself for literally banging my head on the wall or the glass counter top I feel I'm crawling out my skin. I know this sounds pathetic I'm so sorry x

Are you getting medical help for the fluid retention? Its a good thing that your bloods are stable!

Sometimes its ok to have a difficult day and put things like uni on hold and spend some time taking care of ourselves. What would help with the current feelings? Writing them out and tearing them up, soothing distraction etc?

Thanks again you've been amazing. I've tried distracting and I wrote in my uni log book. I love to read but I can't concentrate on a book the CPA and my weight and stuff are playing on my mind so much. Nobody knows what it is I just assume its the copious amounts of salt in my diet. It's so weird as I crave salt ridiculously. My mind is a mess. I just feel I want to tear the FAT off but I feel so lethargic at the same time. I'm sorry it doesn't make sense xx

Argh I dont know what to do. The FAT and stress are tearing me apart. I can't win. I don't know what to say in the CPA . I need my body to feel like mine but please don't take the seeds clinic away. I know I'm FAT and disgusting but I don't know how much harder I can push my body or my mind. I'm sorry I'm terrified x

I keep thinking back to what you were saying about fearing you'd lose support from your team if you engaged in recovery from your ED. I can really relate to that and know how worrying it is. Do they know that you fear this? It might be something really key to bring up in your CPA to see if there's anything that can be done to reassure you. It might at least give you a chance to talk through things, and for them to hear your perspective.

Sorry whirlpools I totally gave the wrong impression there! It's a desire I have anyway but I am scared that they don't believe me as my weight has fluctuated and is high due to fluid. I also am aware I'm in trouble if I don't get support this time especially as I'm desperate to return to uni in September . Basically I feel FAT confused and terrified. I'm so sorry not to make sense I don't deserve to post x

Ah, sorry for misunderstanding. x