Why do/did you SH?
 

People have different reasons for why they SH, and I was just wondering what reasons people on here have. Was it because you wanted to punish yourself? Was it because you felt overwhelmed by everything going on in your life, and needed to relieve tension? Was it because you felt dissociated and wanted to feel real again? Was it because you felt like you needed to feel in control over something in your life? Was it a method of communicating distress to others (i.e. "a cry for help")? Was it because you wanted to see blood?

For me, it was mainly punishment, control and feeling overwhelmed. I am curious as to what reasons everyone else here had/has?

To be honest my reasons pretty much covered everything you've just said. I hated myself and felt evil so I constantly wanted to punish myself. I used to have control in my life, until everything happened which I simply couldn't control, such as my parents divorce and my dog getting taken away. I was depressed for about five years, so it was a major distress call which unfortunately no one really picked up on (which is why I wouldn't advise self-harm as a way of crying for help!) I was riddled with anxiety, so never really knew how to calm myself, though as my self-harm came as part of a small ritual, I always had an after-care 'routine', so I felt like if nobody else was looking after me, I was looking after myself.

I always self harmed for a variety of reasons, varying with each SI/SH episode as well as with time. I've done it recently out of a sense of self-hatred and punishment because I, believing what I was told in anger, believed that I shouldn't feel how I'd been feeling and in that sense it was to control my feelings (depression and anxiety) and to punish out of anger aimed at myself at having them in the first place.

I've also SI'd because I was depressed and wanted the depression to just go away because I knew it was getting in the way. I frequently SI because I'm overwhelmed or anxious and use it as a way to relieve the tension and anxiety.

I started getting into the habit of hurting myself as a way to punish myself. But then i realized that I always felt good after for some reason, and then it became a way to feel better and be almost "comforted." It also has that way of making you feel in control, so I suppose that could be a reason in it as well.

I started self harming out of curiosity but eventually I began to do it to regulate my emotions. When I was feeling bad.emotions the pain and blood from cutting helped to focus my mind on one thing and stopped my negative emotions. Another reason was that I had.so much going in my head that my self harm justified my feelings of pain. Sometimes though I would self harm for the.sake of doing it. Self harm to me stupidly made me.feel big and in control and made.me think I was in control if my emotions. Thankfully Ian in recovery now.

At first (when I was twelve) it was to punish myself. I honestly had no clue that there was a definition for it (self-harm) I thought I was just bad and I deserved to be punished. (I was being bullied, which made me hate myself, so I believed in my head that I had to make myself look as ugly on the outside as I did on the inside), overtime though, it turned into a stress reliever, and that's when I started to become "addicted". I also got better at hiding it, and was able to "not go out of hand", and I also kept denying that I was SHIng at the extent I was... So to shorten it... At first as punishment, then as a stress reliever and lately as "control".

I was bullied and sexually abused throughout my teenage years. I felt out of control and desperately unhappy. I wanted something I could control (to this day when I feel out of control I SI), and a way to express how I was feeling. The parents and teachers were doing nothing to help me at all.

For me it was control, I was bullied throughout school and was put into a situation that I couldn't control at all, I'm a bit of a control freak so for me it served it's purpose.

When I first started, I think it was connected with coming to terms with my sexuality, hating the fact that I had to hide it and then also because I realised that I was never going to see one of my crushes ever again.

Then I stopped. A bit later, I found myself in the same destructive vicious circle, but this time for different reasons. I didn't know it at the time, but I was (am) depressed. I was using self-harm as a way of dealing with the numb feeling, as a punishment or to deal with stress. It's something I still struggle with, but I'm learning to cope in other ways.

For me it was easier to deal with "SI issues" then the real ones. It was like a way to ignore my real problems and I made ones I could control.

I self harm because the emotional pains gets too much - the physical pain overtakes in the moment and therefore the emotional pains stops.

For me it is usually a way to reaffirm my own reality. I've always had a sense that I was separated by a thin layer from everything, and si breaks through that. It is also about punishment sometimes though. I've always struggled with just really disliking myself, and si is a way to punish myself for all those things I hate.

At first, I really wasn't sure why, or even what I was doing. I was twelve, and all I knew was that hurting myself helped me deal with my dad's death. As time went on, not only was it an addiction, but it was a means of control and a way to level my emotions and calm my anger.

At first it was control. I couldn't control what I felt emotionally, so I controled what I felt physically. Then I did it because it calmed me down when I would have a panic attack. But now? Now I feel sick and twisted because I love the way it feels but mostly because I LOVE the way it looks. I actually sink into a deeper depression when there arn't lines on my arms.

THAT. That all the way for me. I also do it as a way to show people I'm hurting on the inside. Which makes me an attention whore. Hating myself for it, too.

And also, I like having a strict after-care routine. It is very comforting and soothing to me.

I've never really done it to punish myself. Honestly, it has been a way to survive. When I started doing it at 16, I used it to have a sense of control (my family life had gone to hell and school was miserable). Eventually I developed really bad anxiety in my college years and it was a way to get a release and relax, almost let the "bad blood" or negative emotions out. The last reason would be to create a way to take care of myself. If I do it, then it brings to the surface (external) what I am feeling inside (internal) and now my life makes sense. Cleaning up and taking care of my wounds was so gratifying, it was/is the only way I know how to nurture myself. I've had to take care of myself emotionally my whole life and this made sense.

It's been interesting seeing other responses and knowing that I'm not alone. Thanks for this thread! :-)

I have bipolar so for two reasons really:

when i was high:
just to give me something to concentrate on mainly. i had a very erratic/fast brain and it was tiring, sometimes it was nice to just sit and focus on one thing.

when i was low:
just to feel something.

I generally SI when I'm overwhelmed. For me, it's not really about control, or lack of it, but just that when I get overwhelmed, I blame myself for it. I feel like it's my fault, for not focusing, for not taking my meds, for procrastinating, for not working every second of everyday, for not sleeping enough, for not acting normal enough, for letting things get so bad. Once I'm overwhelmed, I freeze and I start to wallow until I feel numb. So SI is about waking myself up. Spurring myself into action. Not letting myself wallow. It's a punishment, but also a comfort, and mostly a way to snap myself back to reality.

My reasons why
 

I self-injure for lots of reasons. When emotions are piling up, hitting myself or cutting serves as a release. Harming is a way of venting emotions I feel I can't speak, or when I don't feel heard by others. Seeing fresh cuts or bruises makes me feel like my pain matters. I have been diagnosed with anxiety disorders, but never depression. I've also never been abused. I felt (and still feel) like I don't have a "good" reason to self-harm. (Deep down I know that any reasons why someone self-harms matters, but I still have a hard time believing it.)

During harming I don't feel pain but rather release (probably because of the endorphines) as if all the pent up stuff crap is draining out of me. I also immediately felt better afterwards, which is why I kept doing it.

Control is another big reason. When things feel like they are out of control, I feel like one thing I do have control over is my body. Harming myself and then watching the bruises or cuts heal gives me a sense of calm.

I harmed mainly for control after my friend's suicide, and not feeling able to talk about/deal with the pain I felt in a healthy way.

I also SI when my OCD acts up. I am working toward recovery.

I really dislike the term "attention whore." Wanting/needing attention is not a bad thing, but there are healthier ways of getting it.

If someone self-harms for attention (i am not implying that the original person who replied is.) that is still a cause for concern. Anyone hurting themselves on purpose is a cause for concern, whether or not someone hides the behavior.

Three reasons:

To punish and to feel.

To reduce the intrusive thoughts that tell me very bad things.

When I dissociate and the thoughts get their way.

I did it to counter act the pain in my heart...

I did it because I thought I deserved it...

I did it because I felt alone...

I did it because I was told to by Wrath...

I did it because the cuts felt like my only companion...

I did it to try to stay sane...

I did it because I did not want to forget...

Because I want to be hip and with it...

I joke, I have no idea why I cut when I used to cut...Just one of them things.

Because I felt desperate.

For me, self-harm was to feel something that I could control and to push unwanted feelings away or to disperse anger that I was afraid of. It was so that I could maintain and uphold the pretense that I was fine and to give me the strength to get through the day with a smile. Self-harm, I think, began as a cry for help but is now something I would hide (I think showing scars is different to crying for help, for me, anyway) as I don't want to hurt anyone. It's addictive and gives me a breath of fresh air, enabling me to feel calmer and have everything in perspective a little.

Hurting myself was a way of punishing myself and, when I was in great emotional or physical pain, it was a pain that I could deal with because I had caused it and it would be a distraction. The pain helped me and was something to focus upon to push me through difficult times/experiences/memories. It was also one of the only things that didn't let me down and stuck by my side whilst others caused me a great deal of torment.

i cut because it seemed to be the only rational way of dealing with my mind - i took something invisible (my thoughts and feelings and emotions) and made it visible (even though nobody every saw)
it was more for me to see than for anyone else
it was my way of processing things i couldnt process in my head so i just tok it out on myself instead to save me having to really deal with anything on any real level

I went through a lot when I was too young to understand.. It was traumatising and I dealt with it on my own with SI.. I then developed to not be able to deal with any negative emotion ecspecially anger. I just wanted to scream and break things / people, but I couldn't so I turned to destroying my body..

It depends. I do it for different reasons.
Sometimes it's because I hate myself and I need to let me know that.
Other times I feel like I'm in a daze, and everything is sped up and slowed down. Harming myself brings me back from that scary place.
And a lot it's because I can't handle anything around me, it just takes away some of the stress, if only for a second.
When I do self harm, I need to see blood, for any reason. It only really works for me now when I see it.

I did because I was in a lot of trouble. But I haven't in years, literally in about four years I haven't. But recently, I've been thinking of going back. Everything seems to be affecting me or depressing me in some way. I don't want it anymore.

I don't really remember why I started.
But after a while it just used to make me calm.
And it was something I could control.
I could tell people, or keep it a secret, it made me feel safe to have something that no one else had an influence over.

To control any emotion I was feeling and stop it.

If I was feeling sad, angry, guilty, anything, I'd cut myself because then I could focus on the pain and zone out - put myself in a dissociative state I guess.

For me it started as a control and a focus thing. I was being bullied and couldn't focus on anything, and by harming myself I could take all the anger, pain and self hatred and use it to benefit myself. It slowly became purely a way to focus myself, because I do find that if I don't focus myself on something I have a tendency to drift off and my mood will fluctuate drastically.

I self-harmed because I felt angry at myself. I wanted to make physical what I felt inside, so I put marks on myself. I felt that I deserved it for being so wrong in everything I've done, and that the balance between the inside and outside would make things right. I hated every inch of myself, and I wanted my body to reflect that.

My self harm started as a way to control the pain i was receiving. i was in the Marine Corps and while away for training my ex-wife was not the most loyal of people. i found this out while away and during training i had the job of heaving heavy canisters of tnt and other explosives out of a storage container ever day. while doing this i would get "injured" because my mind was not on the task it should have been and the injuries actually helped me focus...brought all the screaming down to a pin point of pain that i could see..touch and i knew where this pain had come from..how it was caused..and if i wanted i could add to it..it carried over into my civilian life where it has changed due to circumstances but is still there..

mine is that i love someone who will never love me back, we used to hang out, now he ignores me, i didnt do anything wrong, i wish i was good enough

To punish myself and to show the world how much I was hurting.
Also, I sort of thought (and maybe still do think) that there was something terribly romantic about cutting oneself, like I was living a scene from a really artistic, dark film.

To try and get rid of the horrible feeling of destruction inside my mind.

I self harm because - I do it when my body is being controlled by these strong, powerful voices which tell me to self harm.
Also I self harm to let my emotional feelings out by physical pain

Love From Meera xx

I feel a lot of hate towards myself, and who I am. I'm angry that I can't be smarter, or I can't be more attractive, or I don't have any useful skills, or that I can't have anything that would make someone else want to be around me. So it's partially punishment, because I feel I deserve that pain for being what I am, and partially hating myself for being unable to change those things about me.

I do it as a distraction from all the emotional pain. & there's kinda a high to it. It's always been hard for me to explain.

A lot of the time when I SI it's because I feel overwhelmed. It brings everything back into control, balences me out. Sometimes if I feel numb I'll do it so I can feel something. A lot of the time I do it to stop myself having panic attacks when I'm really anxious. Sometimes I'll do it when I've binged (I'm bulimic), because I hate myself and want to punish myself for eating.

To be honest, most of the times when I've hurt myself it's just because it's a habit I've never been able to quit.

I selfharm for a lot of reasons
.to punish myself for things that have happend
.to try and make myself feel better
.deal with how I'm feeling / thoughts
.just most of the time feel I need to do it to show I'm still alive

I self harm when there is a overwhelming amount of emotion, and I just can't deal. I can't express myself in any other way, and I can't deal with it in any other way, for me it's either SH, drinking or binge/purge. Just as long as it's something destructive with a descent high to it in the end. xx

I mostly SH for punishment. Sometimes it's for control, but it's mostly for punishment.