[I have nothing to say here]
 

I am sorry if this does not belong here, just tell me, or move it, it just didn't belong anywhere else and I needed to put it somewhere.

Is it bad for the success of another to remind you of just how crap you are & for that to set of a whole string of crap reactions in you?

As my Sister has recently announced that she is pregnant and, as much as I am proud of her, and happy for her, it has brought up a whole mass of feelings in me, of being the black sheep of the familly and of the fact that no matter what I do, my parents are not proud of me for so many of the things that I do - for the fact that I am a mental mess and that I do not have a house or a husband or a child on the way and that instead I am regularly a heap of tears and a mass of cuts that I have to hide from them as they really do not understand them.

Christmas is coming, and New Year is coming and I really should have died a long time ago and I am sorry I am still here. I do not want to be here anymore and I am sorry for that as well.

Roiben

Everyone has different things to offer. You may feel that you're not as good as your sister but you are, just in a different way. You may not be able to see it but I'm sure other people can.
I don't think you're crap at all. You're always here giving everyone support.
Sorry this is such a rubbish reply, just want you to know I'm thinking of you and if you want to talk, I'm here

Roiben, I hate to hear you are feeling so badly. You are such an inspiration and support around here, for so very long.
I can relate in that i was the 'black sheep' for many years, till my sis showed her true self.
It is a very lonely place and it bloody hurts!
But, you have your own destiny to fulfill (NOT going to get all mystic on you :P) and I think you will find it in time.
I hope this doesn't sound too weird, but after seeing/reading all your replies over the years, I would personally be honored to have you in my family...someone who is so caring, giving and diplomatic and just generally a lovely person.
I hope you can soon see what we see.
xxx

Thank you for your replies and hugs, they mean a lot.

I am really struggling at the moment and finding that simply fighting the thoughts to get through a day is taking up a lot of my focus and energy right now. I have been here before, of course, but that does not make it any easier.

I am scared for where my mind goes, but it feels inevitable and right and I do not have the energy or the will to fight it as much as I have in the past.

Roiben x

I am so tired.

Hey lovely, i really dont have any great words atm but had to say that i care for you a great deal. I wish i couold help in some way. Pls know you can pm anytime ok? About anything, anytime.
Do any of your care ppl know how bad you are feeling? If not, could you let them know?
Pls dont suffer alone, love.
Thinking of you and hoping you are safe as can be.
xxxx

How are you feeling now?

*sits with you*

Is that what people would think, if I "gave in"? They would think badly of me, that I was an "asshole" for not having the strength, or the will to keep fighting and dragging myself through the mire?

I don't want to be a bad person. I hate always being the one in the wrong, the one that can't get on and just succeed. The black mark on the family. But I can't keep doing this. I can't fight and fight to end up back here again. I have had enough.

It is inevitable, and all I do is delay the inevitable, throw every last ounce of strength and will I have at it, and I still come round full circle back to the very place I started. I don't have that strength anymore, and even if I did, what is the point? I will be a bad person either way.

Roiben x

HUGE HUG.
sorry not to be wiser right now. but ... you have helped me los just by being around. please keep being around! even if "around " is nto "here".

Please PM if you need anything. also if you needed to meet I would make myself available!!

roiben, you are such a great support around here, you definatley have been to me. you are in no way a bad person.

im sorry i didnt see this sooner.

i can relate to how you are feeling, my mum has lied about me, saying i was at uni when i was in hospital, and its sad seeing all my friends either at uni or working.

but i tell myself, its a different situation, different circumstances, my friends are not me, and i may not be in education or at work, but i cant keep comparing myself to other people, because i am not the same as all my friends.

sorry, this might read as a jumble of words, but i hope its understandable.

I don't see you as a bad person.
Self criticism can be so very harsh.
You are who you are, and who you are is valuable and precious.

Thank you for your words, they are kinder than I deserve. I feel like the part of me that normally fights and is determined in me is feeling smaller and further away right now. There is a whole other part that just seems to have accepted that this is how it is going to be and it might as well be over with.

The only thing in the way is the same one that always is. Christmas is coming and that is really a sh*tty time of year to do anything. It would so not be fair on those being left behind.

So I have to wait and that waiting hurts. When does it become a good time?

Roiben x

I have got to January 29 and some time in February in previous years when I have felt like this. That is as long as I can normally last out.

I don't recall when it was the time I was properly taken into hospital, but it was earlier, I think.

It is going to happen. I will eventually crumple.

Roiben x

*hugs and helps hold up roiben*

Thinking of you.

Thank you for your support.

Sorry I do not have many words right now... I am not ignoring you though.

Roiben x

I think it's perfectly normal to on one hand feel happy for friends and family and their successes and at the same time feel bad that you're not successful (yet) in the same areas. I feel the same way often. I think it also clouds what we're actually successful at. And in your case, it's still being a kind, caring person despite all of this. Because I know that I've mostly become a bitter, angry person because of others' successes in areas that I fail at...so it says volumes about your character that you haven't become that way.

Just wondering how you are?
thinking of you
xx

hi i dont say much on here never really know what to put !! but reading through ur posts has moved me ... please dont do anything to hurt yourself ,u seem such a lovely person and it seems u help so many people on here , please keep safe sending lots of hugs to u xxx

How are you, Roiben?
Am worried about you. You are such a wonderful person and such a support about here, always.
Pls let us know how things are, if you can, ok?
Thoughts are with you.
xxx

I am still here... not entirely sure how, or why. I think I got through by putting everyone else first.... just under a month before Christmas, my bf's Mum had a stroke and she got out of hospital the Tuesday of the week of Christmas, so I think I spent a lot of Christmas focusing on my family visits and putting on a front for them, and then on my bf when I spoke with him as he spent Christmas round his Mum's. I kind of felt like I had no right to fall apart, no space to feel what I felt while Christmas was going on. I had to be strong for everyone else.

Now, having spent the New Year weekend with my bf and meeting his Mum etc I feel like I am exhausted and have used up all my reserve of strength.

I am home now. Everything feels like it is crumbling around me and I just want to scream and cut and curl up. Doesn't help that over the two weeks of Christmas and New Year my blood sugars kept crashing out (my parents called an ambulance at one point) and my body has only just now decided it is because of menstruation.... so, I feel phsyically like ***** as well.

I am tired, so should sleep.... but I wanted to try and put something here as an update. To let you all know I have read your comments and have not forgotten you... that I am still doing my best to fight this thing..... sorry for not having better words, or being more coherant.

Roiben x

hi sweetie...

so sorry I havent been around for you. You are a great inspiration to me to KEEP GOING through the roughest of times.

Really sorry about your sugar plumetting like that. It's a scary thing...to me anyway.

I hope you are managing to get much needed rest.

much much love.
*gentle snuggles*
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I'm so sorry, I've only just seen this. I don't come into vets often.

Imsorry to hear you've been physically unwell on top of everything. Pease knowim always here if you wanna pm me or anything at all. Youve been such a great support to me xxxx

My mood has completly bottomed out, and I know this as I am thinking things with certainty that I only really think of so much when my moods are this low.

Things like the fact that I shouldn't be here, that I should have died when I was 4 and that science should not have got in the way of what nature desired. Maybe I should just stop my meds and let nature do its thing...

That I am a bad person for being here, that I take resources from people that I have no way of giving back. That I will never be the person they want me to be and I will always end up dissapointing them. I need to lose weight, to get a house, to build a family and a life for myself - but none of those things will ever happen.

I know that I do my best to help others and be a nice person, but I feel like it is just a faint disguise to hide exactly how horrible and disgusting I really am, and somehow, that just makes me worse, because I am deceiving you, surely?

I have really strong sui and si thoughts right now and am writing this with eyes blurred by salty tears. I am too tired right now, and fighting is hard. I am trying, I just don't feel like I am getting anywhere, and it would be so much easier to just ... give in.

I am sorry for wasting your time.

Roiben x

The things you think of with certainty; is that suicide? The 'Ppl would be better off' kind of thoughts?

I believe you are here for a reason. I understand thinking that at birth(and onwards), things should have 'gone the way they started'...hope I have that right? But, they didnt, Roiben.
For a reason.

Taking but not giving back...that left me going..."WHAT??"
You give so very much here, more than obviously you realize. You are always there, fior the scared 'newbie' or the 'oldie'; you always reach out, reassure, encourage. No matter how you are doing at that time.
Never asking for anythign back.

I understand the wondering why ppl like you; surely, they must be 'wrong' or 'deluded' or, or, or....

It would be easier to give in...but the world would lose such a valuable, unique person if you did. Personally, that thought scares the hell out of me.
I would hate to lose you, so very much.

You are worth too much to lose.
Pls feel free to ctc anytime ok?

thoughts are with you.
xxxxx

Thank you, Romp, it means a lot.

Yes, I do mean that kind of thought.

I think for this, it is a lot more to do with things like my finances, where I have been bailed out of debt by my parents, and things like that. I have kind of got to the point where I can never pay back enough and feel like all I am doing is draining the resources around me (my parents, the NHS etc) and however much I may try to be a good person and to be helpfull and kind, it will never be enough.

Roiben x

Spent a lot of the evening in tears... tried to write and just, couldn't, my brain was blank as the screen in front of me.

Just cut for the first time in a while. I should go get a dressing on it now, I guess.

Sorry....

Roiben x

I keep fliting between wanting to take a zopiclone and going to sleep as it is the safest thing to do and wanting to tear myself to pieces and just get it over with.

I can't do this anymore and whichever way I loo at it will come back round to the same thing.

The choice seems to be between the fast way, or the slow way...

A brief moment of lucidity so I will write here... maybe so I can't say it isn't happening?

I know I am exhibiting all the bad signs again. I am back to SIing regularly and wanting to in between. Back to sui thoughts and plans and actions (nearly took an od last weekend). Back to stockpiling.

A very small part of me knows I should get help, but a larger part does not believe it exists for me anymore.

Will stop rambling now, as my own typing isn't making sense and try focus on going back to my work day.

Roiben x

I understand a lot of what you are posting. I do the same thing in times of extreme stress - suicidal thoughts and hurting myself regularly...I know things are bad for me when I'm hurting myself in work.

Re: feeling like the black sheep in the family and like a burden - I defintely get this. I'm back living at home again with my parents because I couldn't deal with living in a house share with my moods. I can't work full time in my current job and every evening I do nothing but watch tv. Fun.

If it means anything or helps anything at all - my sister recently became pregnant and had a baby. It gave me a big reality check also but I tried to get as involved in her pregnancy (and now baby's life) as possible. It's hard living 300miles away from each other but it really helped me to emotionally cope with my other feelings of 'oh crap I should really get my life sorted asap'. My enjoyment and love for my nephew has actually filled up my life, and outweighed any other opposite feelings of jealousy/envy/fear/anxiety.

I am glad your nephew helps you.

I go through a similar thing yearly, it seems - so I don't think it is something a niece or nephew, or anything really will cure. I either have to ride it out and hope it doesn't take too long, or go with it (literally) and I kind of want to do the later.

Roiben x

I got my prescription through today. I have a spare few pills and I am so tempted to take them at the moment. It was so hard to take my bedtime medicine and not just, keep going.

I need to sleep. So tired. Mentally, physically. I have been late for work twice this week as I just couldn't get out of bed on time. I hate being late, and really hate not doing well with work.

I am such a bad person, and a mess to boot. I have been on the verge of tears all day and have had the belief that I have done something wrong, but not being able to figure out what all day. It is horrible. Like a tight wrench in the chest. I don't mean to be so bad.

I am sorry, so so sorry.

Roiben x

Really really struggling. In tears and just feeling broken.

I don't think you are a bad person at all Roiben. Nothing I have seen from you on here has ever suggested that to me. In fact totally the opposite.

I hope you managed to get some sleep yesterday. How are you feeling today? Have you spoken to anyone about how things are at the moment?

Also is there any chance you could take a couple of days off work to try and rest/unwind a little?

Please try and take care of yourself x

Thank you, it is nice to know that someone doesn't think I am bad, even though I find it hard to believe, and harder to think myself.

We are in one of our busy periods in work, but I may ask for a day or so off at some point. I know I am going to get some time of around my birthday (March).

I seem to be constantly tired at the moment, which doesn't help any. It makes everything harder, I think, as it is twice the effort to do anything. My mind is constantly streaming si and sui thoughts at me and ignoring it takes all the energy I have.

Had one of my routine blood tests this morning. Am sure the nurses are rougher if they know you si. I am hoping the results are good, as I have been trying to eat well and get my HbA1C to a good number - as my GP only ever sees that, and doesn't care about anything else, so if that is good and I still go and say I feel like crap, maybe he will listen?

My Psych wants to see the results as well. She wants to know what my thyroid is doing (I am always borderline underactive, so take thyroxine and they say this is what causes my depressiion). I think she is also wanting to see the results before she will put me on an AP.

Sorry I am not around here very much. I am really struggling through this month and sometimes don't have the energy, and other times I just find being here sets me off - Which then makes me feel guilty as I want to help people, and to take the time to respond on here. I must try harder.

Roiben x

Don't be silly. You do not need to try harder. I (and I am sure many others) consider you to be one of the kindest, most helpful members on here! You offer so much advice and support. It is ok to take some time for yourself.

I hope your blood results are ok and you get the treatment you want/need.

I can't do this, I really can't. I have had enough.

I have been so tired over the last week, and achey and just wrong and all I want to do is stop. No, I want to die. I don't want to have to wake up, or start again. Or rest, only to become active and tired again so quickly.

I can't keep going round this same circle and coming back here. Why is it so wrong to just embrace it and go?

I should go to bed and sleep, as I have work tomorrow. I just wish I didn't have to do the waking up part.

Roiben x

Ended up taking an od of my meds last night. Then woke up pretty much once an hour throughout the night, had a very dry mouth and was incredibly thirsty. Sugars fine though, so wasn't that.

Went to work as normal and did my best to use it as a distraction. Now I am back at home and tempted to just take more and to si.

Struggling a lot, part of me in self destruct and other part stubbornly continuing on as if nothing is happening. The I'm okay facade.

Roiben x

Thinking of you and hoping you are safe. PLEASE be safe.

loves.
xxxxx

Thank you, Rach.

I spent all day yesterday in bed, asleep. I am sat up at least today, and should try and get dressed & go outside for some fresh air and exercise. It is so tempting to just stay here though. I know if I do, I wont go to work tomorrow, and I have to go to work.

I got a letter through about Therapy - you have to fill in a form to say you will commit to it, then they add you to a list, and say they give 3 weeks notice for an appointment. Last time, I got less than a weeks notice, so we will have to wait and see.

I imagine I will then have a Psych appointment to follow that. No idea what that will entail. I don't know what I want anymore - do I want help? Why can't I just go - end this?

I am not making any sense, sorry. Finding it hard to concentrate.

Roiben x

Small update - will post more later.

Psychotherapy tomorrow though (I am being forced to let them treat me like an onion.... "joy"). Will probably wallow over it until it is over.

Roiben x

lots of nothing said, everything understood in silence
 

You are an expression of love. You deserve peace, joy, dignity and being safe.

What others may think, or say do not matter. It is what you know that does.
And you know that you have survived. Love often chooses ways no one understands to bless us and others.

Surviving provides an example. I do understand your desire to let go. May even agree it seems to be a way to find peace. Been on the same path a bit too. People like us do not surrender because we know, we survive.

Yes, sometimes all we have is the 'fight'. There are times we have love, moon beams reflecting off a brook. We have secret languages spoken by stone and wind. Small bits of colored ribbons make wings of the butterfly that happiness is, collect them and craft your own butterfly.

And here we are together, sitting with bowls of rice and cups of hot jasmine tea. The sands move along the tides as we let our butterflies flit to others carrying love and joy. Nothing said and yet understanding found.

Please do message if you desire. Would be honored if you were a friend.

14 weeks of CBT....

oy.....

Roiben x