Is 'Telling' on someone you know Self Harms betraying their trust?
 

Hi Everyone,

I was on BBC Radio again yesterday morning, discussing this question, and since we are yet to have a proper discussion / debate in this forum I thought it would be most interesting to start up a proper thread about it.

Basically, the question was this. If you discover someone is harming themselves, or they have come to you - is telling those around them (like parents, teachers etc) the wrong thing to do? Is it betraying their trust, or forcing them into a position that will ultimately help them.

I am not going to come out with my answers / reasoning just yet as I want to see both sides of this :)

The second part of the question was that, if it was potentially a very bad idea to tell people - then how on earth IS someone meant to help.


This is a fair enough point, and one that I am sure we can come up with some good discussions for :)


So, what is your opinion?


Harley

Its a really hard decision to make, but if you are sure that telling someone, and that person will react in a way that is helpful then I dont think it is wrong at all. Intentions mean a lot, and mistakes do happen but I think it is sometimes whats needed. Obviously the more danger a person is in the more important you get help for them. x

They way my s/h was found out was by my friends telling a teacher and her telling my parents. I found it a bit of a betrayl on the teachers behalf because she didnt talk to me about it for 3 days after she called my parents.

Also in uni i rember my friend telling the uni everything about me which felt like an awful betrayl becasue of they way the uni worded the situation to me, "that i was bringing people down and affecting thier ability to work", it wasnt for a long time later that i realsied he had done it to help me becasue he was worried.

I guess you have to tell someone, or at least get them to tell someone. You dont need a freind to tell you that s/h is ok and what you are doing is fine, because its not, and if you do s/h then their must be some other reason behind it like a mental illness, and if thats left untreated, then someones s/h could turn into someone suicide becasue no one interviend at the first signs of needing help.

Some one could help by listening and trying to get them to stop, and encouragin them to seek help on thier own, but thats all you can do really.

I think that self harmers are so afraid of being found out that it takes a lot to go and tell someone about it. If that person than goes and passes on this information and the reaction isn't great then the self harmer is going to feel even more alone. Personally if anybody passes on personal information about me that I have told them in confidence to anyone without my permission it is a betrayal of my trust and would cause me to clam up even more than I do at the moment.

I have had both situations from the truly helpful to the downright damaging. I can only remember the damaging ones because they are the occasions that have really hurt me and caused me to do more harm to myself - in fact the two major occasions that I can remember have both led me to become acutely suicidal and the effects of the 'betrayal' are still with me today.

The times passing on this information was helpful was when friends raised there concerns about me with teachers without giving away details because I hadn't told them this but this raised the alarm bells in the school and I was given more help.

I do think it is situational what works for one person won't work for another but I think the best way you can help someone who has confided in you is to help them get help themselves and if this doesn't work then tell them that you feel you have no choice but give them the option of who you would talk to. Because they still have options and control over what happens and at the end of the day most of us have reason's why x shouldnt know and those reasons should count for something.

As others have said it depends on the situation. Sometimes I would feel so betrayed by an act like this but other times it is what I needed because I needed someone to talk to - if this makes sence.

I think being honest with the person when they fist confined in you and say you might have to tell someone for their own safety, and is there a specific teacher, carer, worker etc that they would prefer to be told. Trying to convince them to speak to someone who may have the means to help, dr etc just so you haven't be left to deal with this yourself when you can't.

If you never promise to keep it a secret and make them aware that you may have to pass the information on to specific people then maybe it could be less of a blow to the self harmer.

If the self harmer is really needing help quickly and you know it isn't something you can deal with yourself then go and speak to someone, say you go and tell your year head, but maybe mention that you don't want them to phone parents (if they have to) until they have spoken every thing through with the self harmer. You should say to the self harmer you are going to speak to this person...yes they may hate you for it for a while but it might be the only thing you can do. You have to look after yourself and do what YOU feel is the best for them.

I think what I am trying to say is if you make the self harmer aware that you can't keep this completely between the two of you and that you have to tell someone who will most likely be more help than you can then it might be less of a blow to the self harmer when you speak to someone.

Promising not to say anything and then going behind their back, even though it is for their own good can destroy their trust and ultimately make it harder for them to deal with things and beable to trust any one else who may be able to help them.

Keeping the self harmer involved it who you have to talk to, what is happening etc gives them the feeling of some control and makes them aware of what is happening. So for example they don't go home and find out their guidance, year head and parents all now know...that can be a bit of a blow and very hard to deal with.

Okay will stop ranting....I hope I have got my point across...you can't keep this to yourself, especially if it is endangering the self harmer and yourself(causing you stress etc). Just make sure the self harmer is involved with who you speak to, go together to speak to a teacher or doctor etc. But sometimes thought they won't agree you will have to tell someone so hopefully you are both safe.

Devil x

personaly, i would only tell if i felt that the person was a danger to him/herself. this is a very personal matter for everyone who si's and it should be up to each individual who knows (unless they have said that they do not care). now while privately i may do an immense amount of poking and prodding, i would not tell someone else's secrete unless keeping it could do them serious harm. if their si was getting to the point where it was possibly life threatening then i would not hesitate telling someone else. even if they hate me, they would be alive to do so.

If anyone who knows I self harm told anyone else I would never forgive them, ever. The only situation which I think would be okay, is if the person is suicidal and in real danger of their life. I definately depends who they told, too - if they told someone who could really help me, such as the school counsellor for example, I'd be more inclined to forgive them because I would then know they were only trying to help. However, if they went and told another friend, then in my opinion, it's out of order. If I tell someone that I self harm, it's because I 100% trust them - so if they went and told someone else I would say that was betraying my trust, yes.

And, if you're going to tell another person, I'd find it much more acceptable if you told the self-harmer that you think telling someone would be a good idea, and ask for their opinions and views on it rather than just doing it.

Personally i think it is betraying their trust.

xx <3 helen

If they tell someone, chances are they're worried and looking out for you.
But, it depends on the person, the way they react and stuff.
I personally see it as betrayal.
x

If a friend of mine told me in confidence that they were self-harming. I'd talk them through it all. But then i'd feel it was my duty as a friend to tell someone(mainly their parents,so nobody else is involved).I'd feel even though,it would be likely that they'd hate me,i know it'd be the right thing to do.
I know when my ex started doing it,i told his head of year(i didn't know his parents).And he stopped,whether that was because i was told very early on or not i don't know.
Although maybe that's a little hypocritical,when i started self-harming,i told my best friend a few months after i started.I obviously didn't want her to tell anybody,but i found it easier to get through it,when i knew someone else knew my secret.

Meh that's just my opinion.

it feels like betraying trust to me !
and i would feel betrayed of someone promised me to stop SH and then started harming again ...

Thats why i feel great guilt when i cut

I think it depends on the circumstances.

When I was in hospital there were some day patients who were cutting, sharing blades and cutting together on the ward. They swapped tips and tlaked about it constantly. I felt really angry because I was an inpatient, I had to stay for periods of time without cutting, whereas they only had to stay a few hours and could go home whenever. Also in a hospital like ours there is no excuse, I realise in some hospitals there are crap resources and staff, but ours was like amazing, and even the most crappiest staff can do basic distraction like playing table tennis or sitting with you. I was 'expelled' when I did self harm (a year and a half ago) on the ward, although they allowed me back, I got into serious trouble, I had a telling off that had me in tears, when they were doing it repeatedly, and other patients were coming to me really distressed and saying how triggered and upset they were by it.
So in that case I told.

I think if someone's self harm was really affecting me, as in they were showing it to me, boasting about it, tip sharing and talking to them got no where, I would have to think about telling someone then too.

If someone, and various people have, come to me and said they were self harming, I wouldn't tell unless it was severely dangerous (as in hitting an artery, needing a blood transfusion) or a suicide attempt (and in both cases I would tell them that's what I was doing, and I would try and persuade them to do it).

I certainly wouldn't tell just any teacher or a parent either. I would make sure I was telling someone they trusted. I think it's really unfair to tell on people's self harm unless they're in serious danger because they've already done a realy hard thing by coming to you, and you might make the situation a lot worse by exposing them.

This is a hard question!

I put a friend of mine in this position (he doesn't understand) and he basically said that I need to tell my parents and get help. He never mentioned to me at all that he was going to tell anyone; I have no idea if this was because he thought he would be betraying my trust (I asked him not to tell anyone. However, 6 weeks later, I said that it was alright for him to ask for advice on a message board we post on as long as my name isn't mentioned)

I'm unsure where I stand on this - part of me thinks that someone should know (as I feel I'm unable to help anyone) but at the same time, I feel as though I'd be betraying their trust.

Agreed with all the above.

To be honest I would tell. I've been told on in the past, and although it was stressful at the time, in all honestly it was one of the best things that could possibly have happened to me. Since people have found out, I have got so much more support. I've forgiven the person who told on me - they were only trying to help me, and wanted me to be safer.

Talking purely from my own experience and my feelings about it.. Is it betraying someones trust? Yes.
I don't care how worried you are about me (I use 'you' and 'me' generally) If I came to you and spoke to you about something so private it's always in confidence. It doesn't matter if you think you're helping, if you force someone to stop before they are ready to stop you could be doing more harm than good.
There's only been two instances when someone has tried to help me by telling someone who could potentially help, one of the times was a teacher, and obviously I don't blame them, it's their job. The other time was one of my closest friends. I told her, she's one of the two or three people I've told (The majority of my friends found out through people gossiping, or me getting drunk at parties not being as careful about things such as sleeves and general behaviour) My friend then and told her mum. She said she was worried and couldn't handle it, and her mum is who she talks to. I felt incredibley betrayed by her, if you're worried about someone surely it makes sense to talk to THAT PERSON about your worries and get them straightened out and whatnot.

I'm an incredibley private person, I'm almost completely closed off about the 'important stuff' even to my closest friends, so if I were to let someone in like that it means I've put a huge amount of trust in them and an excuse like 'I thought I was helping' is utter pish and I'd feel very hurt and betrayed.
Although, nowadays If I trusted someone that much then I'm guessing they'd know me well enough to see how private I am and how much I don't like people helping me.

So if I found out a friend is self harming, I'd be glad they felt they could come to me and I wouldn't tell a soul (Unless they really wanted me to). I'd try and help them using my own experiences. It doesn't take a genius to work out if you're wanting advice or help on something it's best to get it from someone who has been there before.

The way I see it, when you're caught in a pit of depression/anger/selfhatred/selfpity etc no one can get you out, I mean people can offer an ear and advice but ultimately it's down to you to save yourself.
You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.
So yeah basically, it's all about when you feel you're ready to start getting over your problems.

Yeah, I ramble.

I told my mum myself after my best friend encouraged me to but my mum told all the other important people around me.I was upset because I really wasn't ready for everyone to know but I suppose thinking about I can understand why she did it. I'm glad I told my mum so I guess it's probably better to let someone close to them know

Aye yi yi - there are so many different circumstances that would alter my answer. I think that all aspects of a situation would have to be taken into consideration before a decision was made.

Of course, it would also depend *who* you told as well...there are people besides parents and teachers.

To use an example, children in my sisters year - so age 13 were scratching themselves with compass' because boys in 6th form [aged 16 and above] didn't fancy them. This to me plays on all those attention seeking stereotypes. Without going into too much detail, the parents were informed about this and I have to say of all the things my sister has been involved in, *really* got my back up somewhat. So in this situation, yes, I think it was OK - difficult none the less. It also diffussed a situation that was getting considerably out of control.

If someone at Uni told me about their self-harm, it certainly wouldnt be my place to 'tell on them' but I hope there would be a lot I coud encourage them to do... show them the options they have and guide them in a different direction and maybe even to people *they* can talk to about their self harm.

What was the scenario you were asked about in your interview... each situation is *so* individual and should be treated with as much care and thought as the last. I don't think there is any broad yes or no answer.

Chloe

I think it needs to be the selfharmers choice to tell someone
because you can be there for them but you could lose there friendship by "telling"And personally i think coming out and telling someone is a bigg stage of recovery.....


mxx

Yes. I think so.

I have had the shoe on many a foot in the situation and my thoughts are as follows.

I've previously told a teacher about a friend who self harmed, whether that was right or not - you'd have to ask her. At the time I was convinced it was for her own good and the right thing to do. Now I think what I did was selfish (yes, selfish) because if her opinion was, telling is wrong, I had no right to contradict that and assume I knew better.

Now I think firstly that other people do not have the right to decide what's for the best for someone else, there could be things you do not know about the situation and you may easily be hindering rather than helping - moreover - I feel that, unless this person has asked for help, or unless their life is in definite danger (that is, they die if you don't "tell") everyone should have the right to do what they want with their own body. I think people have the right to self harm, and they have the right to their own privacy too.

Sure, self harm might be bad for people, it might be making their lives worse, but it also happens to be their own body and I think this needs to be respected.

Another reason, is that I try my hardest to treat people as I would want to be treated. I would take personal offense, if someone 'told' one of my secrets to someone else - especially if they had told with the intent of interfering (or "helping") with my life. If they just needed to talk to someone about it, I would understand a lot more than if they thought it was for my own good.

Many of my friends endanger their health in various ways - if she (I say she lightly , it just happens a lot of my friends are female) smokes, self harms, has an ED, if she'd OD'd or on drugs or if she's drank herself so stupid she can't even walk - I wont betray their trust because it's their life, their body, and as a friend I think I am obliged to do their bidding in keeping their secrets even when I think they might be wrong. Because I am not always right, and I don't have the right to say my opinion is worth more and therefore I can overwrite theirs.
I expect the same treatment back, and to be honest, if I didn't get it I wouldn't consider them a friend.

What an essay!

in my opinion, if the person is in danger (ie has the means/ability to kill themselves) then someone must be told to make that person safe.

Also if it is a child being told this information then i believe they must tell an adult rather than try to deal with this themselves, a possibly alien and scary world having a child feel they cannot tell about this because so and so will not be their friend anymore to me is unacceptable, if schools have a system in place where a 'whistleblower' can go in confidence then that is so much easier than a child not knowing what to say. feeling guilty about that and possibly trying out thier friend's way of coping.

when it comes to older people, i think they have a duty to respect the other's wishes, so long as that person is not in real danger, when obviously no misguided attempts at secret-keeping should really be in place.

mand x

just to add...
sometimes you get a very clear view of the person not knowing what they are doing, not knowing what is right for them, and also - especially in younger self harmers, *think* they know what is best, but to an older person it is clear that they are just burying their head in sand.

I've trusted a friend with my secret of SI - and asked them not to tell anyone straight away (they told me to talk to my parents and I said I'd think about it). By the next day my entire class knew, I was taken to see the school counsellor and my parents were called. At that stage I really was in no danger from cutting too deep. And that was a huge betrayal of my trust - even if they'd just asked me if I was okay with seeing the school counsellor or something I might have felt a bit better about it all.

Having said that I've been on the other side of the situation - which is horrible. I did tell the teacher that my friend trusted a bit, and I tried to make sure my friend was okay afterwards, but our relationship has never been the same since. I still think (hope. pray.) I did the right thing though because it was getting out of hand.

It really depends on how you handle the situation. If you just go off and tell anyone then that's a huge betrayal of trust. If you really try to do what's right for the person, and let them have a say in it all, and possibly even persuade them to tell an adult - then it's still a small amount of betrayal, but hopefully the effects will be less.

Does that makes sense...?

I, as many others said, think it would depend on the circumstances.
It would also depend on who the person told, I think it is a betrayal of trust if it gets spilled around the class or around uni friends, or work colleagues who don't need to be involved and who can't help the situation.
In school I think if you found out a friend was self harming it would be important to seek help from a teacher because of the how serious it could be. At school age things can get messy very quickly and it's damaging for everybody, it would be difficult for the friend to cope with the knowledge their friend was self harming. Although it would feel like a betrayal at the time, I don't think that it is. I think though it would be important in this circumstance to try and persuade the person to open up themselves, or go along to the teacher/counsellor with you or ask for who they would find it easiest to talk to.
Where the person is older, perhaps university or a work colleague then I guess the circumstances change completely. At this age unless the person is in serious danger then I don't know that it would be the right thing to involve other people.
Overall, for me, if it was a professional I would think that was acceptable but if somebody started spreading rumours or telling random people then that would be awful.

As others have said, it depends a lot of the circumstances. I think the most important factors are how old the person is, how you know them, and who you'd be telling.

If I found out that my sister was self harming, I wouldn't consider it betraying her trust at all to tell my mom about it. My mom is a clinical psychologist, so I trust her to handle it pretty well, and my sister's younger than me and I would consider it important for her to get help, and in that situation, it would also be my responsibility to make sure she got help. Of course, that's an entirely hypothetical situation, since my sister actually did self harm for a while, which my mom knew about and I did not. I also wouldn't feel that my sister betrayed my trust if she found out I was self harming and told my mom (again entirely hypothetical, since my mom already knows), because, even though I'm an adult, I'm pretty close to both my mom and my sister, and given all our relationships, I think it's the right thing to do (even though I never wanted my mom to know, and still wish she hadn't found out) and I'd be kind of disappointed in her if she didn't tell.

Another hypothetical situation were I'd tell someone is if I found out that one of the 10-11 year olds I'm teaching this year were self harming. Of course that's unlikely to come up since they're pretty young for it, I'm only seeing them once a week, and their teacher is pretty attentive and would probably notice something like that. But if somehow it did come up, then I would definitely tell their regular teacher, because they're young children, it's an adult-child relationship in a classroom setting, and their teacher is someone who I think would fight pretty hard to make sure his students got the best possible care. But for me to tell the other students I would see as a betrayal of the child's trust, for obvious reasons. I'd also see it as a betrayal of their trust to tell either the school administrators or the child's parents (if I even any way to contact them), since I haven't met any of those people and have no reason to think that they'd handle things well, whereas I do have reason to think that their teacher would handle it well. If their teacher was someone I thought would react horribly and make things harder for the kid, then that would change things.

And I think the same would apply to any other kids/teens I knew who I found out were self harming (not that I have any other contact with kids at the moment, but hypothetically). If there are other adults in their lives who I think are in a better position to help them, and who I think would handle well, then I'd consider it irresponsible not to tell that person. But telling people who don't need to know, and aren't in a position to help would be a betrayal of their trust. And I'm not really sure what I'd do if there weren't any other adults who I thought could help, but that's not something that's going to come up anytime soon anyway.

I also think that when I was younger (high school or before), had I found out that a classmate or other friend my age was self harming, then telling someone wouldn't be a betrayal of their trust, but again depending on who that person was. I think that if it's a friend, and I knew their parents and think they'd handle it well enough, then the best thing would be to tell their parents. Otherwise, I think the best thing would have been to go to someone at school I think would be able to help, which for me in high school would probably have been either the guidance counselor, or the dean of students, and in middle school would have been the head of the middle school, but at other schools the best person to go to might be a particular teacher or other staff member - it has more to do with the specific person than with their position in the school. And (yet again) I think that telling anyone other than the person I thought could best the kid would be a betrayal of their trust.

But if I found out that one of my classmates now were self harming, or a coworker or whatever, then I do think that telling anyone would be a betrayal of their trust, since they're an adult, and it's their decision whether to seek help or not. I'd probably encourage them to seek help (okay, actually I probably would say nothing at all, but pretending that I'm not too shy to talk to anyone...), and depending how well I knew them and how it came up and stuff, then I'd try to be there for them if they wanted to talk about it, and offer them any resources that seemed appropriate, like telling them about RYL or recommending books about self harm, and anything else I could do to support them given the specific circumstances. But telling anyone else would be a betrayal of their trust, unless there's more going on than just self harm, like if they're suicidal, or planning to hurt someone else, in which cause I'd go to either their RA or the CSOs (similar to campus police) if they're a classmate who lives on campus, or else the police if there's not a better option. There's not anyone who could force an adult into treatment for self harm anyway, so I don't see where there's any justification for telling someone, and telling without justification is definitely a betrayal of their trust.

Of course, all of that is assuming that, as far as I know, I'm the only person who knows they're self harming. Obviously there wouldn't be any reason to tell anyone if I knew someone was self harming, but I also knew that they were getting some form of mental health care, and that their doctor or therapist or whoever knew about the self harm. There's also no reason to tell anyone if they're not getting treatment, but an adult who's in a position to help knows about their self harm and is taking responsibility for getting them help. Of course if they're getting help but I don't know about it then that wouldn't chance my decision at all, but if I knew that I didn't need to tell someone because they were already getting help, then telling anyone would be a betrayal of their trust.

I think so because you trust them to not say anything and they do.

I mean if you wanted anyone to know about it wouldn't you just tell that person yourself?

I trusted someone to tell them I self harmed and they told everyone in class and made a joke about it. Yet they were my close friend and they also self harmed.

It wasn't nice, it was hurtful!

People just have to wonder if they trust that person enough to tell them about it.

If it's a life/death situation, yes.

However, I've lost many a good friend because they've told teachers about me.

Once, I was walking behind her as she told her [they didn't know I was there]. So it wasn't exactly making sure they talked in private either. And she knew I REALLY hated said teacher.

A person in my form found out, I didn't even know she did, and told my form tutor. My form tutor told the whole form, and the deputy head, which totally destroyed my trust in everyone.

It depends on the circumstances.

It's not always that easy though.

A lot of it depends on the situation. For instance, if people had told my parents, it would have been very bad for me. In my school it would have been awful for my teachers to have known as well. As it happened, no one knew when I was that age.

I think instead of 'telling' on them, you should help them get help. Whether or not that is telling someone, or helping them contact a therapist of some type is up to the situation. That's a better rule. If they're your friend, they're telling you because they need help with a situation. Help them in whatever way is appropriate.

i personally don't think that it is right in one way because if the person opened up to you that should be a privilage. They told you and only you, so why should you tattle? it's stupid your keeping their secreat for one reason, and that reason in because they trust you. I think that the only reason why you should tell on that person that is harming themselves would have to be if lets say they are going to commit suicide. Then and only then should you help that person.

i think that its total betrayal!!
i trusted my twin sister enough to tell her that i was SH, and she tells everyone she meets. she thinks that the more people she tells, the more likley i am to stop, but that is not the case!
all my "friends" do pathetic immitations of cutting their wrists in front of me, i find it really offensive, hurtful, and a huge betrayal from my sister.
i'v learnt that no body i know even tries to understand me, to them im sad, pathetic and an outcast.
so i certainly won't trust anyone ever again! it has broken me even more!

Personally, I would see it was a betrayal of trust. One of my teachers last year went to her superior, my TTM (kinda like a year head) and told her and I've never felt so betrayed. It really did affect me, and I worry even more about telling people now. I was forced to sit through the most uncomfortable "chat" which was actually just my TTM telling me I should be more gratefull for what I do have and stop being dramatic.

I can understand them being worryed, but when I told my teacher I'd been self harming for four years & I'd coped by myself all that time. It was a big step for me to tell anyone at all and for them to go and just tell someone without consulting with me first was like a smack in the face.
I think I would have preferred it if anyone who was going to tell someone, told me first. That way at least, there is still some control for the self harmer and it isn't completly taken away. I agree that it's up to the person suffering from depression or whatever to save themselves. They have to take the first step, forcing them to get help isn't going to solve anything.

I think all anybody who finds out somebody else self harms can do is be there for thier friend. Don't push them, & if it is too much for them to bear then maybe they should tell thier friend that rather than telling someone else. It's amazing how quickly rumours are started, and spread. I think that should be kept in mind if you're going to tell someone else.

I think that this is a very tricky situation, and I think it comes down to how serious things are for this person. I know for myself I was getting worse and worse, suicdal ideation was full blown, and psychosis was starting my friends started getting worried and felt that they had no other option because I was disconnected from reality that I didn't see that there was an issue. They waited for a long time and remember speaking with them afterward and they both said that they just couldn't watch me hurt so much without anyone knowing, and they felt that if they didn't do something soon, i was going to do something fatal. And i think that's what is comes down too, yes its good to keep someones trust but if the cuts are getting deeper, or the self harm is quite more frequent, if the personality of the person is changing drastically all of these things need to counted before making a decision to inform someone of what is going on.

just my thoughts.

I'd say it was a betrayal of trust yeh. I can't be bothered to explain it, but i'd not trust that person again with any of it, despite whether they were "doing it for my own good". If I tell them not to tell anyone. I'd expect them not to tell anyone.
Go figure they might want to ask someone else for advice or help or whatever, but they wouldn't have to mention my name if that was the case.

My answer to this is simply yes it is.

Unless their baviour is servely life threatening it is not your call to tell others about it.

I'd say discus it with them first and if they agree that others should be informed then go for it but otherwise just stay out the their business.

It's a hard question, I'd say in 90% of cases it's not your call, but sometimes maybe it is the right thing to do.

If someone had of told my parents, or told someone who subsiquently told them about it, it would have made my situation 5 million times worse.

I guess it depends on how you found out and also the severity/frequency of the self harm, for health reasons.

As mentions it depends upon the circumstances.
But I think in order to keep somones trust, I would try to do the same as we do in work.
If it was told to me in confidence, and I didnt think that Icould help, yet I knew someone who might be able to help. I wouldtry to explin it to the person. Kinda, im sorry, but I m unable to deal with that problem. However, would it be ok for me to discusse it with such a person as I feel they may be able to help you ect.

But if the person came to me, really upset an said something like im a self harmer, but tonight im going to try an make the damge worse or something, then i might feel like i had to tellsomeone. But only if they where in serious danager.

I see it as a betrayal.
When I was self harming, my best friend knew. She was incredible worried, but we were close and she talked to me about it. She would never tell ANYONE about me. If she did, it would have been betrayal. I told her in confidence because I trust her. If I trusted someone else, I would have told them.

Simple answer?
Yes, of course it is betraying someones trust.
But that doesn't mean that sometimes it isn't necessary.
My parents found out through an ex-girlfriend.
When i found out i was FUMING.
But in the end, i'm glad she did tell them.
Saved me doing it.

Yes, it's betraying their trust, but sometimes it's necessary.

One of my friends told me she did it, (before I started) and I kept her secret for 2 years, then she got worse - suicidal, deeper cuts. I myself couldn't cope with it, I was only 16, I didn't know what to do. I felt it necessary to tell someone to save her life. She never mentioned the fact that I told, just ripped up all the paper that she'd confessed to me on and gave it to me in an envelope. That hurt more than her shouting at me, but I didn't regret it.

What I did regret though, was when I got really bad with it all, and she knew I was bad with it, she didn't tell anyone. I know that sounds strange, but I was desperate for help and couldn't communicate that and she didn't do anything. She'd glimpse a new scar, notice the sweat band and do nothing. That kinda hurt, it was like she didn't care. Now, though, if someone 'told' on me. I'd just be like...Whatever, and ignore it.

Ultimately I think you are betraying someones trust. However having said that sometimes it is necessary to break that persons trust if they are causing extreme harm/or could kill themselves. If they are not a serious risk to themselves tho I wouldn't tell anyone, but would try and encourage them to recieve some help.

I think it depends on the severity of the SI. If they're barely scratching their skin then I would say no. I would say in that situation to help the person the best you can and encourage them to get help on their own. BUT....If a person is SI so badly that they need stitches and aren't getting medical attention, they're putting themseleves in real danger. If the SI was severe like this...Then honestly yes, I would probably seek out help for this person. I've been there and I know that you aren't gonna get any better without REAL help. I think it's a fine line between being severe and just a simple injury.

I think that's a load of bollocks.

Just because someone doesn't cut deeply doesn't mean they don't need serious help, or won't end up trying to kill themselves.

I ended up in hospital last october due to an attempted suicide. I have NEVER been what you'd call a "serious cutter". And yes, most of my cuts are chicken scratches. Does that mean I'm in less emotional pain than someone that cuts to the bone? Of course not. Does it mean I'm less likely to end up trying to kill myself? Of course not. It DOES mean I'm less likely to end up passing out after cutting [as opposed to sui attempt] but, to be honest, people that cut shallowly are more at risk IF/WHEN they decide to cut deeply because they're not used to it.

Meh.

i told one person in my life who i throught i could trust, turns out i cant and because of this perso my mum wants me bck in hospital.
i dont think she had the right to tell my mum its m life and my body i can do what i want to do.

Thats not what i meant. I meant that if a person isnt in danger of killing themselves on ACCIDENT through their si that i would work with them to encourage them to get help on their own. i wouldnt betray their trust unless i thought they were at serious risk for huting themselves. note that i also said if they werent getting the proper medical attention. if someone was cutting deeply but getting stitches or having a medical professional look at the wound then i also wouldnt tell. its best for the person if they can seek help on their own because otherwise theyre not ready to and i would never put someone in that situation unless i thought they were at risk to hurt themselves unintentionally. I wasnt saying that i order to be taken seriously as a self-injurer that people had to be cutting to the bone. you misinterpreted what i was saying. all si is si whether its a scratch that doesnt even bleed or someone cutting through the muscle.

Well said love.
I like you.

(Y)

My friend told her parents who came and told my mum.

I dont think they did it in the right way (late at night, emotions high etc) but tbh i dont think i would have EVER been happy with the time when they told her. I stood by the fact i would have told my mum in time, but i honestly never would have.

Although i feel she did betray my trust, i keep telling myself it was because she was worried and didnt know what else to do. At the end of the day, i decided i needed to put it behind me that she'd told, because it wasnt worth throwing our friendship away for.

I would say it is betraying their trust. especially if you told them without informing this person first. It's generally up to that person if they want to tell someone about their SI, then thats up to them isn't it? I mean, if it did come to that person really going over the top then I'd say tell someone, but I'd obviously make sure that the SI'er didn't mind.

I dont know, I think it is. If one of my friends was SH'ing i would probably tell someone, but i'df tell my friend i was going too tell someone.

And i agree with no matter how deep the cuts are, the problems could be allot bigger.

xxx

I dont think there's a right or a wrong opinion on this because it depends on so many different things; namely the person that self-harms.

I've been on the end of this. When I first started self-harming I confided in a teacher...not because I wanted her to stop me or anything but because I felt like I had to tell someone. The next day she came to me and told me she'd had to tell someone else and that someone else had told my mum. I was devistated and played truant from school for almost 3 months during year 9. When I finally worked up the strength to take myself back I couldn't face that teacher, the senior she told and things still aren't right with my mum. To this day the teacher I was closest to I still hate for what she did.

Equally, looking back, if I'd been ready for it to come out, I probably would have appreciated her taking that hardest step for me and much as I would have been upset at the time it would have helped in the long run.

As it stands, because I wasn't ready it means I dont feel able to talk to anyone about it now and my trust for anyone I'm close to is really limited. So yeah, I suppose it is betraying the persons trust but it depends on the outcome.