I need and want help xxx
 

Can i have some supprt please

Im feeling really overwhelmed with everything going on at the moment
Im trying to hold it all together until they go away on holiday
I want them to have a good time and not to worry about me
But the closer it gets to them leaving the more stressed and teaful im getting
My daughter is getting therapy which im pleased about

Im just not coping very well at the moment
Im at fault, Im to blame for all of this
but i feel so alone and that im carrying the weight of it all by myself because i have noone to talk to about it
In desperation I emailed my old therapist and asked for a one off session ...£80 just so i can have someone to make sense of everything going on

I know im a difficult person to help because im caught up in my beliefs and im trying to get help for that

I just want top feel less alone in all of this
I understand if you cant help...but thank you xx

*hugs* oh rowie, of course you're going to be emotional, you family is going away without you - i begged matt for an hour tears, leg holding the lot when he took chloe to his mum's whilst i was pregnant to give me a break. try not to put too much pressure on yourself you don't want to crumble as soon as they go. i'm glad you're seeing your old therapist even if it sounds extortionate. you're never alone, always someone on here or facebook, may not be able to help but can always hold your virtual hand xx love you xx

Thank you mand, much appreciated xx

Tim and I have spent the evening compiling letters and documents to send to this place where im seeing a psych and someone else, I want them to have the true version of what has happened to me to bring me to where i am now. What Im struggling with, what I feel would help, but also open to suggestions.

This has meant me owning upto Tim about the ods he didnt know about as he told me next time he would tell the children...so there have been a few times, but not many. Its also involved him knowing about an abuse that took place that i hadnt told him about....and hes read all about my feelings and thoughts and basicaly everything.

But i wanted these people to read everything that has happened to me all in one go rather than snippets from different people that has been bunged in a file somewhere and how its affecting me and my family now.

I thought if they had it prior to the meeting they will have time to read it and maybe discuss it. Well I hope so.

Im sending a copy to my doctor as there are a few things in there that he doesnt know about.

I feel very strange about this, but needed to get it done before they go away

much love to all x

Grace. I just wanted to say, you are not alone. And I think you are really brave opening up to Tim about the ODs and the abuse he didn't know about.
I really hope that the process you are going through will bring you the help you need and deserve.
Stay strong. Stay safe.
love
Charlotte
xxx

Yuo have done the right thing. I hope you stick with it.

well done Rowie for writing it all down hope it all helps x

hah...its gone.
maybe i didnt even post it
probably just as well
hmm...where the hell did i post it
****

thank you Mand, matthew and Charlotte. Im scared, but then i was scared of telling tim things id kept hidden and now he knows...ive googled and worked out that im seeing a lady, she likes sailing and does fundraising...she sounds a good sort..so well see...and thats the psych

sorry wandered off...thank you for your support...it does really help...much love xxx

one hour tomorrow, or is it 50 minutes to sort my head out. I cant even remembered what i eamiled her, there wasnt much room....it was meant for people introducing themselves prior to becoming paitents/clients. I was so desperate i found her website and used it incorrectly and spent ages wondering whether to press the send button...but i did
This is so important to me bacause if she cant help me sort out whats going on in my head i am pretty sure that noone can...i have that much faith in her...but its just one session. Im just all a jumble and since ive gone over my past..its all fresh and real in my mind which doesnt help and trying to separate what is more important than the other is really hard.
I guess take it as it comes and whatever i talk about has to what is troubling me the most, and besides i did send her an email with rushed resperation...shell fathom it out....i hope so

good luck with your psych.

I think that putting this much pressure on yourself and session is setting it up for failure. It is only 50minutes. No one gets totally sorted out in 50 minutes. I am glad you will be able to get some release though.

I have sent a bunch of stuff to doctors before but I don't think they ever read them. They said they wanted to hear it from me. Just a warning.

It is good that you are opening up so much to your husband. Having him know about everything will make it easier to reach out for support when you need it.

(((hugs)))

Thank you for your reply...youre right, maybe i am expecting too much. I think theres just a couple of things that i need help with prior to my family going on holiday...because i feel i should be going with them and im not because of my harming and the affect its had on my daughter...and ive been having thoughts of not being here when they get back because im not the mum i should be for them and i need help with my thoughts and feelings as theyre all jumbled up right now...if i need more sessions im sure my husband will say yes...I just feel guilty because it is alot of money to pay.

I am seeing my doctor before the appointment with the psych so hoepfully we can go through what i sent him. Im scared though as I now feel I went into too much detail and gave too much of myself away if that makes sense. And im scared he will tell me off for the things he didnt know about and will think that ive abused my meds and i havent, Ive been taking them properly...ive been using other things to od on....and im scared he will be angry about that because i didnt tell him....and maybe i just shouldnt have sent it and maybe i shouldnt send it to these people im seeing...I hate opening up and telling all....and is it what they want to see...will it do any good? Maybe they will think badly of me for the things ive done and that have happened Im so bloody confused and scared by it all...i iwsh none of it was happening, but then I do because i need this, my family need me to do this and i will do this.

I even googled the psych to see what she looked like...i go by faces, she looked kind and goes sailing and does fund raising...kind of stalkerish i know..

Im so nervous about today...have written too much

I thought they were going on tuesday, theyre not, its monday

sorry, anyway thankyou...and for the hugs x

Thinking of you Rowie. I hope the appointment helps. I thin you have been really brave writing all this stuff out with Tim x

Thank you Emma...its really kind of you to say so, he has been brilliant xx


The appointment with my therapist went well, but it didnt. Id forgotten how tough and brutally honest she is. After talking to me and trying to get me to see what im doing is wrong, she came to the conclusion that i have a twisted view...no i cant explain this properly, cant remember it...I recall her trying to change my view on the pact, but i couldnt accept what she was saying.she tried all angles..in the end i just broke down and cried so hard....she said to me that i am petrified to which i said yes i was...petrified of losing him, petrified of going back there...terrified. She said that I have been traumatised and have ptsd although i guess a gp or psych needs to diagnose that...she has mentioned that before now.
Ive just never ever told my doctor how much it affects my life and i guess i should have done.

I told her the reason why i had put a stop to therapy and that was because i could feel myself improving and at the end of the day I couldnt put my life before my sons.

It was a one off appointment, but she said if i came back she would recommend a family therapy session and help to make things more open between us...not about the pact...but a chance to talk and express worries and fears...with Amanda there to help...If im honest i dont think i will get my children there...but i will try..

She would then help me with the ptsd (but would want to confirm with a gp or pych that thats what im suffering from) Ive read up on it and yes it all fits, but still...and then move onto my fears about loosing the pact...i just cant ever see that happening..um, so

although nothing has changed, something has but i dont know what. I think just letting it all out and sharing with her and her making sense of somethings and ackowledging my fear for k and for F and the position im in trying to protect them although she said that im not...

I really need to rewrite this, none of it makes sense

I think what ive got out of it that was important to me is that the total fear I feel about K and his illness coming back has been validated. It may be a twisted view but theres a name for it and i need to speak with the gp....and now it sounds like she agreed with my view, she didnt, she ackowledged that it can happen as a result of trauma and also the opportunity for us to speak openly, scares the witts out of me, but needs to be done in that type of environment..I want us to be a family again

Sorry if this is jumbled

I'm glad it seems to be helping/potentially helpful, Rowie. Please stick with it. It seems as though she may be able to reach you and help pull you to the proverbial surface.

im really proud of you for seeing the therapist rowie. that was really brave of you. i hope you can keep moving forward. sorry im not up to helping much more.

i love you to pieces.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

for old times sake....:woot: :laugh: :thumbup: :tongue2: :kiss: :jumpin: :hop:

Thankyou PoisenedApple, yeah I may stick with her, thought it costs so much....depends om what my husband says and I need to speak to my doctor about this diagnosis...if he agrees or not etc....I dont want to be treated for something im not suffering from

Hope youre ok xx

Thank you Rachel, yeah we'll see how it goes and waht happens after they gtet back off holiday

Hope it went ok at the hospital...it was today you were going about your ankle wasnt it? sorry not really with it today xxx :hop: :crazy: :hehe: :woot:

four days to go and i feel physically sick
I should be going with them
I want to be going with them
Im hurting so much that im not going, but im trying so hard not to let on
Im going to miss them so much
im going to miss seeing them enjoying themselves
I hope the place I chose is just perfect for them
The thought of waving them off frightens me

but its MY FAULT im a sefharmer
My past is MY FAULT

The meds have been carefully sorted between my hubby and the dr..how many tims got left, how many ill need and not one more....no temazepan yet as its a controlled drug and cant be given on a faxed script apparently

I dont think my daughter is staying over but we may go to the pictures and other things im not sure.... and then my sister is coming down so may spend a day with her.

Need to think of what food i need because once theyve gone i cant leave the house on my own and i havent got my car

**** it....i dont care about food or whose going to keep me company. I dont want anything more than to be with them and i cant so i want for nothing else except ro hideaway until they return

All the ****ing clothes I bought, i was in a dreamworld of my own..ofcourse I was wrong to imagine id be going

ha I checked..theres still availibility there through a different travel angency, same date....why the **** did i look...to dream, to make me hurt more....

Shutup Rowie youre doing my head in
get a ****ing grip
this isnt about you...me me me me NO!!

They will have a fab time and they wont have a clue how i feel and i can deal with that when theyve left

Thank you popple..that really means alot. Hope youre ok hun xx

awww rowie *hugs* look after yourself maybe you can all go on a short break somewhere nice in a few months x

Hugs mand, thankyou...maybe, I dont know. How are you hun? xx

doing ok xxx

I am really struggling today, my family leave for their holiday.
Suitcases and packing and excitement and im so pleased for them, but i want to go, I want to be a part of it, I want to be with them...I want to see their joy, I want that joy...ive been looking for late availabilities again but its too late for today now...

This is all just a mess...all of it,
Ive got so many emotions going round and round in my head

This is all my fault
I should feel this way

sorry for the language, but..

****...I dont know what to do with myself...cant cope anymore, i really cant...i need to burn or cut or something...but theyre all over the house doing stuff, i dont stand a chance

I want to drink..i want to knock myself out
I just dont want to feel what im feeling right now
I need pain
I have it somuch on the inside of me
I need it on the outside too

**** you for being such a ****ed up mum
**** you for ****ing up your daughters life
**** you for ****ing up your husbands life
**** you for ****ing up your sons life
**** you


Edit: Im sorry, I shouldnt have sworn like that, but im not taking it down as its how I feel

theyve gone now, well they went a while ago
the house is so quiet yet i dont feel like putting the tv on
anyway...hope they have a fab time xxxx

be safe hun make them proud when they come home and see how well you've done, its ok to feel bad its how you cope with it. love you xxxx

am listening to some Amanda Falk music and thinking of you Rowie, her lyrics really remind me of people going through life like we all do but one song just keeps making me think of you. youtube has a good selection of her songs, 'give me a chance', 'charade', 'endless' 'small' listen, might help you relax xxx

Thank you Mand

things really arent going very well right now
my harming is really bad, hasnt been like this for a long time
im getting confusing thoughts
seeing a doc today, my doc has broken his foot so im seeing someone else and i know i wont beable to open up and if i did i know he would want me to go to a and e, but my daughter is coming over and im not getting her involved in this anymore than she is already. Im really scared of seeing him...ive seen the name but i dont know what he looks like and i need to see the face to know it will be ok...i need to see the face. none of this is happening ok? nothing happened ever

I am sorry you are feeling left behind. But focusing on you and trying to get well will be good for you and your family in the long run.

I know it can be scary telling people even professionals the truth but it helps. Keeping secrets like that is unhealthy for you.

Keep opening up and being honest

((hugs))

Thank you hun xx

The doctor was nice. I told him that i was having intrusive thoughts, ..Hes prescribed me Olanzapine. I told him that im not supposed to have the scripts, but he gave it ti me...then rang up the pharmacy when i was there to cancel it and then rang back again to say ok go ahead with it..very strange.

Thing is its yet another weight gaining drug, im already on one and i dont want to be on another and i dont think my doc would want me to be

I dont know what to do...i have a pack of pills which is very tempting to me that i shouldnt really have and I dont know what to do.

He also arranged for a nurse to patch me up

on the up....my family are having a fab time away, so good to hear xx

Glad you talked to the doctor. I know it can be difficult with a weight gaining drug. Express your concerns to your doctor but take it as prescribed.

Get rid of the pack of pills all it is doing is torturing you. Go to a gas station and throw it out there. flush them, crush them, just get rid of them. Call a friend and have them get rid of them.

Having them is a temptation you do not need right now.

Stay safe ((hugs))

rang crisis team...makes note to self never to ring them again helpful
maybe they are helpful to some, but it took guts for me to ring...i actually think its the first time ive rung myself in the seven years
just put the pills to one side...i havee boxes upon boxes now ive cleared out the medicine cupboard and with meds i shouldnt have...show some responsibility when on youre own....so ****ing easy to do

maybe im being harsh
dont know
dont care

actually i do care
much to everyones disbelief
its just hard when you dont believe anymore that what went on went on and youre faced with packets of vaious pills and your on your own
and its late]
and bed calls, but so do pills

i need help they cant give
i need my doc that i cant get atm

i feel so alone
i need tim
i need control back
i cant cope with so many packets

I know you said you rang the crisis line. That was very brave.
What happened in the conversation with them?
What do you mean too helpful?

You sound very much like you are in a very distressful and unsafe situation.

Is there anyone that you can reach out to? Even if it is not to talk about what is going on but to just get out of the house?

It sounds like you are in the house stocking up and having some pretty negative thoughts.

Call the crisis line again.
Make something for your family for when they arrive home.
Get RID of the packets. They are just causing more problems.
Call your doctor and get them to refer you to someone who is around.
Get out of the house.
Take a walk.
Ride a bike.
Jump Rope.
Go see a movie (Harry Potter <3)
Buy some food you love an have an extra nice dinner


Take care of yourself

how you doddling?

Thank you both for your replies and advice.

Unfortunately, i think it was tueesday morning i took an od after calling the crisis team for help...after the od i became frightened and called NHS direct...they sent an amblance, and i had my bloods taken and they were frine..and was sent home. In the past ive been taken home by taxi, but not this time ,,,I had some rude bitch throwing nasty words my way, so i left....I think im must have left at 7am....realised my phone was flat and id left my purse at home..so i had no way of contacting anyone..so i walked to the neasert newagents and tried to explain my situation...but i could barely speak, everything was slurred and i was unsteady on my feet...I asked if i could borrow their phone...they directed me to a phonecard phone, which was pointless...so I walked about a mile to another phonebox and asked a man if i could please have 60p, he was a painter...I was so out of it,,,,heads and faces kept jumping out at me, i could barely walk,,,i must have appeared drunk, but I wasnt...anyway he kindly gave me the money, I crossed the road to the phone kiosk to pay and i dropped a 5p and couldnt find it..I tried a reverse number but couldnt get it to work...it was a mess, i was a mess. I was alone in town and noone knew...

unbeknown to me kyrsten had come to my home early so we could fo out, she was frantic with worry....rang my sister who suggested chacking the rivers, talked to my neighbour....she drove into town with my neighbour, they had phoned the hospital but all they could say was that id been there in the last 24hours...they rushed there but id gone....

I was still trying to work our the reverse charge calling...and i blacked out, two kind people stopped and sat with me til an abulance came...at that point kyrsten and our neighbour drove past and saw me....I just dont know how that happened with so many roads in that town...so back to hospital I went, had a quick check over, again i think they thought i was drunk and discharged me....

This all built up with me not believing the bad things which have happened . I cant get my head around it and there is nothing there...numb, empty....didnt happen, and my thoughts have become derranged some how and i knew it was wrong for me to have those pills and i did tell the doctor, but he said it would be fine, then put a stop on them at the chemist and then changed his mind again...

I had promised Tim faithfully that I wouldnt od on the meds he gave me and i didnt...i took them properly....but then being given the other ones...it was like saying ''go on, you can have these, youve not made a promise about these' and then trying to make sense out of a letter i was supposed to the psych telling her stuff that had happened...but then it didnt happen to me and it was like i was contradicting myself...its been sent now...but its all wrong

so now I have a daughter about to start therapy, a husband on meds and my eldest daughter knowing i od and maybe needing some help...i really need to get this sorted...i need a good head on for this meeting and its just not going that way for some reason. Its a good thing Tim will be going with me

ive sent flowers as a way of an apology to my neighbour, my sister and kyrsten....but it doesnt even touch what i did to then that night. Yes i put myself in danger all the way along.....but for them not to know where i was or what state i was in...i can beging to imagine

And tim put in a request for my lorazepam which had run out and again i have to see yet another doctor ive never seen with a boomy voice...he seems evil to me and i really dont want to go. I get all panicky when they say they need to see me. ****

I need help. I want help

I still find it hard to believe they left you alone in the first place.

I asume they are back from holiday now?

I hope this is the last of it Rowie. I dont want the next post to be about your death!

Remember that I am only a text away if ever you need to talk, Rowie. Love you xxx

(((hugs)))

Thank you Matthew, they werent going to go...I persuaded them to, they needed the break away from me, they really did...and now theyre back they seem more relaxed and less tension in the home...they had a fab time xx

thank you pops,,,same here for you too xx

thank you for the hugs teenny not too long til youre wedding now..it must be next week is it? xx


Dr Boomy was really nice....not what i expected.....what i dont understand is if they read youre medical notes and history they treat you differently...surely they should go with what your doctor says, but no Olanzapine for a day...my fault i guess,,,,and now Dr Boomy is taking me off larazepam and cutting down on temazepan and i have to use the crisis team instead of meds...im sorry but the crisis team has been ****ing usuless with me...but i sat there nodding praying my doc woulod come back soon...

I also have a psych appointment...so why do an urgent referral back to the psych i saw two months ago which accomplished nothing. I dont mean to sound ungrateful...but im scared of being unmedicated....im scared of the meeting because ive sent them a list of what has happened to me a\nd its all so wrong, it didnt happen anyway...im not sure what good or bad has come out of this....he also did a score test thing...how likely are you to harm yourself and as i left he was already dictating a letter....maybe it wasnt mine...maybe he wont...im scared of dr g, the local psych...i really dont want to see hiom nor do i see them point

I feel everyone is playing ping pong with me and when i hit the net, its all change...if i fall off the table i will never get back on....

Im tired, confused

What do you mean by it happened but it did not happen referring to the note you wrote?

I know it was hard while they were away but having them be more relaxed will help everything in the home.

I know the feeling of being afraid of not being medicated. However, I also know that I have been on LOADS of medication and am now not on medication. at times it sucks but that's life.

Change sucks and it sounds like there is a lot of change going on right now that is hard to deal with concerning your mental health. Try to advocate for yourself.

When anyone knows things about you they treat you differently. Sometimes in a good way sometimes not. Don't let that thwart you from being honest. Honesty is the best way to get well.

Thanks for asking about the wedding. It is next week. I will be a Missus. Nervous and Excited! and a little OVERWHELMED :)

maybe the crisis team will finally see how ill you are? ring them every time you need them. maybe he feels the meds are doing more harm than good and the psych maybe able to recommend something more worthwhile without having to fit in to your current drug schedule..if you get me. love you x

I agree with Mand... Maybe without meds they'll see that they need to act not just blow you off. See that you actually do need them and that you are trying.

wow..rowie bird..that was heavy!! and scary!! funny how things work out the way they do huh? you arent supposed to die hunni. dont you see that? youve tried many times as i have and we never succeed even when we come close.

i love you so much...i miss you so much..and i appreciate you so much!!!
BE SAFE
xxxxxxx

ribeeeeena where you hiding? love you xxx

Im about hun, was wondering the same about you xx

thank you rach, I know youre going through it too xx

thank you poisonedapple hope youre ok xx

Im in a self destruct mode at the moment...tears, slamming doors, snappy, hating self, feeling guilty everything..and the only way i can calm me down is to harm. its at these times i know i need to call the crisis team. In the past ive kind of squatted in the ensuite to try to call them...but im so scared that someone will hear me/need me that i dont call. I just resort to harming. And also their simplistic views on how to cope when in a crisis just annoy me.

When I did call them the other night, when i was alone..I told them i wanted to od and that i was in a bad place..I wanted someone to talk to, someone to talk me out of it if they could...i was told to put the pills to one side and they were gone, off the phone. Maybe im expecting too much from them...but i really dont want to talk to them anymore...it took guts for me to call them...maybe they could have talked me out of it..then none of what happened would have happened....

I agree, that is probably why the doc has done this...I wanted help from them and i dont know if i can call them again

I dont need to be ****ing talked AT!
I dont need to be made to feel that im an uncaring mum
I dont need to be made that my decision making is flawed
I love her and want the best for her
Maybe im not what i should be
Maybe im not doing a good job

ive never ever handed my phone to my husband because of how my sister was talking to me...mid flow...i was tempted to throw it across the room, but it would have cost me

I love my sister, but those two years she has on me...makes her feel that she knows better than me...and maybe she does, but i dont want to hear it or be talked at

i really need to harm, I need to get rid of the crap going on in my head
it needs to shut the **** up

yada yada yada

pathetic

I need my meds..but some hooray henry has taken me off them

your sister doesn't understand what its like to be in your head does she, and she's never had to love and care about anyone like you like she does, there's no scripts and no rehearsals - what is said in the moment can always be bettered with hindsight.

love you hun, could you call the crisis team in future to report to them, then call the samaritans for support? or other way round so they have a record and you still get the advice and help you need? i'm about babe, getting out in the sun with kids and dog - result is house stays tidy and kids get worn out and we all get some exercise. its working for now, heaven knows what'll happen when the rain comes again.