back in hospital, hugs? [scary day, support?]
 

I'm sorry, I know I havent posted on here for ages, I've been staying away because I've been isolating myself and been totally miserable, but I've realised that I need to reach out for help and support because I can't do this on my own.

I was in an ED unit following a suicide attempt and with very messed up electrolytes and totally taken over by my ED about until about a month ago, I relapsed back into bulimia and serious depression pretty much as soon as I got home, and after a lot of encouragement from those around me I decided to go back into hospital.

I was admitted yesterday, and am finding it really hard having to eat 6 meals a day and be around other people especially while eating, as I have not really been around others lately, or doing any much more than sleeping and B/P-ing.

Anyway enough rambling, I'm just feeling really down right now and was wondering if I could please have some support and encouragement that I can get through this and actually have a life without ED.

Any replies or hugs would be hugely appreciated, thanks.

I am so very proud of you for posting hunni, I know how hard it is to post right now.

I dont have many words right now but am thinking of you greatly and will always love you

my phone is always on too if you wana txt/call

love you ally

*cuddles lots*
xxx

Hey I'm sorry things are so hard right now but with support you will come through this.
Take care x

I don't know if you got any of the texts I have sent you but I just want you to know I care and hope you are feeling okay again soon. I'd love to come and see you. Love you lots.

Well done for reaching out for help, honey xx

beautiful. you can get through this. you are taking huge steps to recovery. congratuations on reaching out and getting help... being admitted again is so great and also you seem ot have a positive mindset about it.
keep us updated. i hope you managed to read some of my msgs xx hng in there.

I'm so glad that you are getting help. You deserve it and need it so much.
I am here for you always, beautiful.
Love you and stay strong.

Jess x

thanks for all the replies and hugs, I really appreciate it. I'm feeling a little bit more positive this morning, just about to have breakfast and really freaking out but hopefully it will be ok...

I'm just trying to not discharge myself; I've only been here for 2 days and it's nice in here, I'm just trying really hard to challenge my fears and finding it very difficult. But my psych made me promise that I would still be in here on Monday when he comes in, so I guess I have to stay because I don't break promises.

I need a hug :(

How did lunch go hunny??
Don't discharge yourself, please stick at it, you're very brave staying!! Fight this!!

*HUGS*

You can do it lovely. Feeling positive about it is a good thing and I hope you went okay at eating breakfast. *hugs*

breakfast was ok, well i ate it anyway.

Feeling really rotten right now though, and feel like self harming, but I can't because I promised my psych I wouldnt and I dont break promises. Just dont know what to do to make myself feel better, plus lunch is in 15mins
and I'm freaking out about that.

Asked the nurse for some PRN but havent been given it yet, maybe that will help? I hope so anyway because if I self injure I will have to leave.
Then of course my ED twists that and goes "well that's a good thing, you can go back home and stop fighting me"

I dont want to go home though. I mean of course I want to go home, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think I need to be here to get better because I know I can't do it on my own.

Having said all that, I am so close to self harming and/or running away, but I promised I wouldnt do either :|

Just been given some PRN so hopefully that will help. In the meantime could I maybe ask for some support or hugs or something? I dont know, I dont even know what I'm asking for, sorry.

Hey, love.

Im proud of you for posting, well done.

Were all here to support you :-)

I'm glad you managed to eat your breakfast, I hope your ok now.
Im glad your realising when your ED is being a bitch & trying to control your thoughts, because your right, you do nee the help & you do need to be there.




I hope you start to feel better soon, Ally, if you need anyone to chat with you can always PM me, ok.

Thinking of you.

*cuddles*

xxx

thankyou GoldDust (sorry I dont know your name)

I'm not doing so well at all, the urge to purge is overwhelming me, and I've been given some PRN and told that I just have to supress these feelings. It makes me angry because it's not that easy!! If it were I wouldnt be in here! But my bathroom is locked so I cant purge and I think I'm losing my mind here.

Help? Please?

Its Amber.

*cuddles*

It would make me angry being told that too, I totally understand.
I know its difficult I really do but is there anything you can do there to keep your mind ocupied, I'm not sure of the time in aus right now, as I'm in the uk.
But could you maybe write things down in a diary, the reasons you shouldn't purge, why you think your there? What you think you need to feel to be discharged, how you hope to feel in a few years time?
Are you allowed phones there? Could you phone call/ text somebody?

Thanks Amber, it's about 2pm here. They are some good ideas I will give it a try, dont know about how I hope to feel in a few years time though as I just dont see myself being here then.
I have my phone, but am finding it hard to communicate with people over the phone so dont think I will be able to.
Thankyou for replying, I really appreciate it xxx

Sweetheart, you can do this to recover from your ED. Everyone has faith in you and loves you so so much. Can you talk to anyone there about your need to purge? I'd love to phone you if you are up to talking, just let me know if and when you are. Maybe next weekend I could come and see you? Take care beautiful Ally.

xxx

No problem, I know its hard sometimes, when you feel like this the last thing you want to do is imagine going through years more of it to just come out the other end.
but it'l be worth it, I've been here since 07 on another username & I've seen photos of you before & such, your very very pretty & you deserve to see that & I hope one day you do.

If you don't want to write where you think you'll be in years time, how about where you think one of your friends will be?

X

Love,

I'm so sorry you are struggling. But I really want you to know how proud of you I am for doing this. You are so strong.

I know it's hard. Resisting urges is never easy. And unless you've been there, you don't understand. I know they make it sound like it's easier than it is, but we all know it's not easy at all. But you are a fighter, and you can do this. Please don't give up!

Love you.

thanks so much for the replies guys, I'm not in the best headspace to reply right now, not feeling so good. My ED is screaming at me, I just want to discharge myself and go home, but I know that that won't end well. I'm just so sick of my ED twisting and warping everything that anyone says into a negative, I'm sick of it controlling my life.

I WANT OUT!!!! I'm sorry, I know that's weak and selfish but it's how I feel right now, sorry.

That's why you have to fight this with all your strength.

love you
xx

You can do this gorgeous!

Don't give up. You are stronger than that! Lovelovelovelovelove.

Keep going, lovely YOU CAN do this, please please, try your very very best to not discharge yourself, I now its difficult when you just want to shut something up.
Its understandable why you feel the way you do, love.

Just please try hold on, get through a little more, try and talk to one of the people supervising, if anything.
xxx

Keep fighting darling!
You can beat this babe
xx

thankyou so much everyone for your replies I appreciate it so much.

I ended up talking to the nurse last night and had some PRN and distraction which did help, just didnt sleep properly and feeling pretty low and worked up because of it.

Am still struggling a lot, and feel like I shouldn't be in here, like I'm not sick enough or worthy of help. But I promised my psych I wouldnt discharge myself until I see my psych (tomorrow), so I guess I have to stay because I don't break promises.

I also promised that I wouldn't SI which is driving me insane, plus the fact that if I do I will be discharged. Sorry if I've already written this not in a good headspace at the moment.

Please tell me that it will be ok? Please?

You will be okay
It's good that you spoke to them, so well done!!
keep resisting the urges, you're worth more

Please, please don't discharge yourself, you deserve this help darling!!

Keep holding on
xxx

thankyou (sorry I dont know your name)

I think part of the problem is that I dont believe I am worth anything, I absolutely loathe myself.

Just had breakfast and feel like purging, but I can't and it's driving me insane!

Thankyou for the support it means so much to me xx

My name's Katie :)

I know how you feel, but please try to value yourself..life is so precious & so are you!!

Well done on eating it, your body needs the food to survive & get the vital nutrients it needs to run
Like a car needs petrol to run, a person needs food to live..

xxx

Hi Katie :)

Tbh I only ate it because if I didnt I would have to have an Ensure... but at least I ate it I guess?

Thing is I completely agree with what you're saying, when I'm talking about someone else, but when it comes to me I just can't see that, and I dont know how to make myself see it.

Hey :P

Well done, that's still good that you ate it, proud of you!!

I know what you mean, just keep telling yourself that you need the help over & over, listen to us, fight the voice in your head that lies to you
xx

*cuddles gently*
thinking of you beautiful xx

* Cuddles Millions *

I hope your holding up ok, lovely.

Katies right, :-)
she always is(shes my smart friend) :p

Im really proud you ate breakfast, I know its difficult but you need to try keep a clear mind, because if it gets all fuzzy your mine will just play games with you & your ed will try take over.

Im thinking of you, Ally :-)

xxxx

You can get throught this lovely, don't give up.
I just wanted to add some *cuddles* you look after yourself xxx

thanks so much guys, your replies really do help.

Feeling really low right now, thinking I might try and have a sleep or something to try and escape the screaming in my head, I dont know what else to do.

I just wish I could go to sleep and wake up with everything better, it's like I want a white knight to come in and magically fix all my problems or something because I dont feel like I can do it myself, I dont feel strong enough at all. I feel like crying but I'm just numb right now, I dont have any hope. Then I get angry at myself for wallowing in self pity, then I feel worse... it's an endless cycle and I dont know how to get out of it.

Hi hun *hugs lots* I'm so sorry things are so tough right now but I am SO proud of you for going to hosp. I can only imagine how hard it must be but I hope you stay.
You mentioned how you feel stuck in the cycle and how you can't seem to get out of it. You're already doing something to get out of it though. It may seem like you're not getting anywhere but I think that if you stick it out you'll find that you will improve more than you think you will.
I wish I could make everything better for you.. You are doing it yourself though and you are strong. You admitted yourself to hospital and have stayed there even though you've been tempted to leave. It takes a tremendous amount of strength to do that. You've taken huge steps forward just by doing that.
I know you're finding it hard to see those positives but I hope that seeing them written down will help. Beyond what I've written I'm not really sure what else to say, everyone else has already written it for me.
I love you lots and I really hope you're feeling stronger and better soon.
*cuddles lots and lots*
xoxoxo

Thanks Soph xxx

I feel like I'm just sitting here moaning, but I guess the fact is that I'm not doing well, or I dont feel like I am, I feel totally miserable.

Was in tears over dinner and for quite awhile after, then managed to have a sleep because I had some PRN because I didnt feel safe, but didnt feel any better when I woke up. I've just requested some more PRN because my head is going absolutely crazy and I dont know how else to manage it right now.

It's just like I'm stuck in this massive dark hole and I can't see any way out of it. They keep telling me it will get easier, but it's not and to be honest I can't see it getting easier.

Then I get mad at myself for thinking negatively, so I feel even worse about myself. GAAH I'M SO STUCK!!! This just seems like a never ending cycle, and though people are telling me that this will help me to get out of it I just can't see it happening.

I'm sorry that I'm so weak and negative and stupid and any other foul name you can come up with, I really am. I don't deserve your support, I should just delete this thread and keep my mouth shut :crying:

DON'T DELETE THE THREAD!!
You need help and you more than definitely deserve the support that you're getting. If you want to get better you need support so I really hope you keep this thread going.
You're not weak, you're still in hosp aren't you? It takes a lot of strength to say in when you don't have to. Do you need to stay in? I think you do. Do you deserve to? Absolutely!
It's your illness that's making you feel like it's never going to end. The part of you that wants to get better knows that. And you know that it's going to take a while before you personally start to see that you're getting better. You're going to be harder on yourself than what others will be so it's going to take time to see results but you can stick it out. You do have the strength, even if you don't know it. *cuddles lots*

*Cuddles* You should be so proud of yourself, it takes alot of strength to admit yourself into hospital and then continue to stay there even through you want to leave. Honestly hun you do deserve this help, you will get through this. Take care
Kat xxx

I'm going to quote you because the same thing you have told others goes for you also.

I know it's extremely hard right now with your head screaming at you to leave and go home but you have to stick this hospital stay out to be able to get better. You aren't any of those names you are calling yourself. You can beat this ED and the thing in your head, everyone who loves you knows you can do it.

Love you lots and lots.
xxx

thanks so much guys, you really are keeping me in here and keeping me going.

I'm a mess right now because I tried to purge a little while ago and nothing would come up, been in tears since then, and tried talking to my mum but she was just angry/frustrated and the call didnt go well.

I just HATE myself so so much, I just want to go home.

No deleting this thread!! nononoes.

Your doing really well & the only reason you think your not is because its going so so slowly.

But think back to when you wouldn't go to hospital you were struggling at home & on your own, before you asked for support.

You've come SO far already, lovely. so so far.

Your none of them nasty words, your struggling alot right now & what you need is some comfort and friends, were all here for you, you know that.

I hope your getting some sleep.

Love you
xxx

thanks once again for the replies lovelies, I'm trying hard not to delete this thread, but I really dont beleive that I deserve any kind of help, and it's hard to believe your words as much as I want to.

I did talk to the nurse last night, and was given some extra PRN to try and calm me down because I was pretty worked up.

I'm so sick of waking up at 3am EVERY morning. At home I would get up and binge/purge, but obviously I can't do that here, I've just been waking up multiple times during the night and it's driving me nuts! it's 3:30am here and I've been awake for ages, just had some meds so hopefully will go back to sleep soon.

Love you guys xx

I know it must be difficult your used to something, back when you were at home there was something you'd do at a certain time, your bodys got used to that, but now thats the hard bit, its changing your bodies cycle & your doing it, your not doing what your ED wants you to do, so your battling it.

Keep it up missus, your doing superb.

Try get some more sleep.

xxx

Keep this thread up love, you definitely deserve the support! We love you uber lots!

I hope the PRN helped you get some rest, hun. Hang in there, you are doing great.

Thanks Jess, love you

didnt manage to get much more sleep so feeling really tired and irritable which isnt helping my thoughts.
Just had breakfast and all I want to do is purge. And I'm stressing about ward round this afternoon.

I just want it to stop hurting :crying:

Do you do any like, activates whilst your there? throughout the day?

*sending cuddles*
xx

yeah we do Amber, not today though all we have is ward round which I'm majorly stressing out about. Tuesday-Thursday we do have groups etc during the day.

I can't do this anymore.

I know I shouldn't be talking like that, I should be talking positive, but it's like I just dont know how to right now. They keep telling me I have to learn how to love myself... how the hell do I do that?!

I want out!

I wish there was something I could do to make you see what a wonderful person you are. You are truly beautiful. Your heart is beautiful. Your face is beautiful. Your body is beautiful. Just how you are right now <3