Overuse of certain words
 

Is it just me, or does anyone else find some overused words are kind of... I don't know, condescending? Patronising?
The ones I'm talking about are things like 'hun' and 'sweetie'. I really don't like being called things like that, and to me, they just seem like the person is somehow looking down on me or something. Does anyone else feel like that?

Yes.
But then I'm 'old', heh!

I don't mind from people I know. At times, from strangers it's a bit O_O especially if it's every other word. Other times though, it's just what's needed.

Oh yeah I find it really patronising, even reading it on other people's support threads annoys me, lol.

I feel the same way. It especially annoys me when people say *hugs* or *squishes* or something similar.

I'm not a four-year-old, don't try to kiss it better.

Yeah, that's why I tend to ignore all people that say that crap.

I don't mind if it's from people I know && I use them sometimes (in most cases where I know or am close to the person) but I've seen some posts where it looks really condescending, I mean them being used like multiple times.

I don't think a lot can really be done about it though?

I find it uncomfortable, especially when I don't even know the person. I don't think there's anything to be done as such, but by raising the issue people may take into consideration that such overly affectionate language can make people feel patronised etc.

I tend to sort of skim over those words. Some people just use them alot, I doubt they are trying to be patronising its just how they speak (/type). I know someone offline who uses "hun" constantly though so maybe I just got used to it

I find it hard, because I use words like 'darling' and 'love' in real life, so I don't think twice about using them online - but I think that's slightly different, because I don't use it unless it's somebody that I know reaaally well.

But I do find 'hun' and 'sweetie', in particular, quite annoying; I think you're right in that it comes across as patronising and condescending. But people use it as a term of affection, and of reassurance. The challenge is, we don't want to discourage positive and reassuring replies, and there will be people - for example, me when I first joined RYL - who really do appreciate the comfort and support. Perhaps we could just ask that people think a little about who they're replying to, and whether the term is appropriate for the audience? I don't know.

See, I'm one of those who appreciates the comfort and suppport, and I like the *hugs*/hun/sweetie etc thing.

Maybe that's just me though but I do totally understand where you're all coming from :)

Owh I call people 'babe/darling/sweetpea' all the time and Im not patronising I dont think?x

i use 'hun' but its only with people ive gotten close too. Maybe if people are saying them to you let then know that you dont like it.

It's always been part of language but that doesn't mean it needs to be used.

I call my fiancee baby girl/baby/angel & I call my friends/close friends honey/sweetie/lovely/babe, & they like it & don't mind it.

If it's used by a stranger/overused, ie; It's okay hun, don't worry hun, I'm here for you sweetie, then that's a bit ... o.O weird. But, yeah. I don't mind it & most if not all people I know don't mind it either & actually like it/prefer it than without those use of words.

I pretty much only use hon and *hugs* with people I know well.

I think it depends where you're from as well, round here everyone says "chuck" and "love" and things to women and "mate" to men, even strangers in the street or shops.
I tend to use affectionate language because it's what I'm used to and was brought up with, and because when I'm replying to posts on this site I'm usually trying to reassure someone.
I'd actually find it a bit hurtful if someone turned round and accused me of being patronizing when I was genuinely offering support and reassurance.

But whatever.

owh.. i call everyone babe.

in real life too.

This doesn't really bother me all that much. But I know it bothers quite a few other people so I try not to say things like that unless the person says it's okay to do so. xx

I only like it if it sounds sincere. Sometimes a word like 'sweetie' can make you feel cared about when you're feeling down, but not when it's used every other sentence. I tend to use it if I know the person quite well but generally feel quite uncomfortable with it.

I rarely use it, but when someone replies to my thread with it, I just take it at face value and think of it as their expression of caring that they might not otherwise be able to put into words.
On the rare occasions I do say "sweetie", it's to partially balance out what could be construed as hard hitting replies on my part. Almost like "tough love" or whatever.

When offering support or advice to someone it's better to say something useful than something affectionate. It's pointless to try and "balance out" a hard truth with a kiss on the cheek and a lovely little petname - it doesn't make the truth any easier to hear, it's just patronising.

It also comes across as extremely hollow from someone you don't know. Having a friend say something nice is fine, but hearing a complete stranger say "I'm here for you sweetheart" is utterly meaningless, and you have to wonder if the person saying it actually means it, or is just saying it for the sake of it.

I disagree with that,I think it isn't pointless at all with support or advice, even if it is the hard truth. It can actually help. Well, with my experiences it does.

i actually like the affectionate little words as long as they're used properly. i think sometimes (especially if you dont know a person well) they can sound a little patronising.

however i think within your circle of friends they're fine. i use sweetie pretty much all the time but like i say usually only with people i know really well. i think i used to say hun quite a lot but not now so much.

I use pet names quite alot , I call people "Chicken, hun, lovely" but thats just how I speak, I call people hun who I dont know but thats it really

I think it's all a matter of personal preference. Some will like it, some won't. Really, people might not think it's patronizing when saying it. So unless they are going to specifically ask "is it okay if I call you sweetie" or whatever, they probably won't know. It just seems silly to censor or argue over words that are most likely harmless and mean no insult. If someone has a problem with the terms on threads they make, maybe they should make a disclaimer.

That aside, you can still say something "useful" and say something like sweetie with it. One word that some may or may not find offensive is not going to negate the rest of the input.

I think affection between people who are friends etc, who know that it doesn't irritate (etc) the other person is absolutely fine, it's when you call someone 'sweetie' or whatever who would otherwise be a total stranger to you if you hadn't read their post here that is a bit odd / annoying.

I've been called worse things than love or sweetie lol. Can't say I notice those words with any disdain although I don't post as a person in crisis. I find people use the sweetie stuff when they are trying to make someone feel calmer, appreciated etc.

Im quite a strange one i dont mind it on here, and i dont mind it most of the time. But if its used by lads it makes me angry, as if they are after something.. x

Isoverity put what I was trying to express much better.

Lol, i've just realized how often I actually call people 'dear' and 'lovvie'
I do not mean it in a patronizing way at all. In real life people just know it as part of me and my personality.

Saying 'hugs' and 'hun' can be patronising to some people, but when said with good intention [which in 99 out 100 cases it is] I see no problem, or a need for censoring. Afterall, theres a hell of a lot of way nastier crap written on the forums sometimes!

I do find members saying 'I love you' in just about every reply to others insincere however. But unless its said to me somewhere by someone I dont know its not for me to complain.

I never realized how often I say things like that here, I generally write as I would say things and I do say "hun" and "sweetie" and things a lot in RL convos as well.
It never occurrd to me that some people might take it in the wrong way =/ I'll try and be more aware of how I'm saying things in future.

I give people lots of virtual *hugs* because I know that I can't do that IRL because of the sensory problems I have but people like virtual hugs at least when they're sad usually.
I don't use the others though, and it depends on the context whether it's patronizing or not. Some people are just really affectionate.

Well now I feel paranoid :P xx

i dnt really care for it but peopl are tryin to be nice..

what are we gonna legislate terms of affection now?

I only say it to people I know. A friend of mine who is 5 years younger than me calls me poppet and I don't mind it cos I know it's in a caring way.

Hmmm, it seems to me that this might be a cultural thing. In my area of the US, "pet names" (such as love, hun/honey, poppet, sweetie, dear etc.), are rarely or never used with strangers, or anyone but a close friend. Here it might be seen as condescending and perhaps a bit disrespectful to call someone by such a name. Another thing I've noticed is that these words are most often used by adults talking to small children. (example, I haven't been called hun since I was five) People could conceivably believe that they are being talked down to when these words are used.

What do you propose we do? Banning terms of affection, seems a bit harsh to me. It would be moderating the forums to quite an extreme extent!

Personally I always like to give people the benefit of doubt, why believe that someone is being rude, when it could be the exact opposite?

I'm not proposing we do anything. There's not much that can be done anyhow. I was just curious as to what other people thought of it.

I didn't mean that I thought people using words like that were being rude or anything, because in the vast majority of cases, they're not, and it's just how they talk.

Perhaps this can be moved to "news and debate" thread then?
it isn't really a forum or community enquiry or doing anything to help RYL.
i would possibly better on there as people can discuss words they use and why.

Not necessarily. It does seem to be raising awareness about it, and making people think about how their words may affect someone else.

I'm always very aware of my age, and others ages in relation to mine. I don't tend to use such terms, although occasionally feel drawn to, but I realise how it would be inappropriate for a 40 year old to say such to a 16 year old, and the opposite would be a bit weird too.

It makes me smile when you call me babe, babes! ^_^
I agree with what Jack has said.

Don't worry baby girl *snuggles*

I don't know; I definitely think that raising awareness about an issue for some people on RYL is positive for the community.

And no, the words certainly shouldn't be banned - but I think it's quite positive just to raise awareness that some people don't like them. Plus, to those people who've said that they use them - I can't speak for anybody else, but I know that personally, I don't have a problem being called those names from people I know and like - for example, Liv.
The difference is, if I'm asking for support and some random person replies and uses those terms, I do find it a little patronising - despite the positive intention, and I do know that it is a positive intention.

Saying that, I don't particularly like it when people I don't know call me 'love' or 'duck', either (and I'm in Yorkshire - it happens a lot!) - I just find it slightly invasive.

i do use the *hugs* a lot. otherwise nothing else though.

i used to feel uncomfortable about "sweetie" and stuff when i first got on here, but now i realize people are just trying to be nice and that it means they care about my situation so now i don't mind. but i could see people finding it awkward.

^^ this

I'm another who's guilty of the "virtual hugging." But I do this offline, as well; if someone comes to me with a problem and they need my advice, I often will at least offer my shoulder. My parents have both always been physically affectionate, especially as a comfort/support mechanism, so I'm the same. I've learned to be more reserved, but through most of my childhood it was my habit to express my affection for other people openly.

The thing is, I've learned that it's almost never okay to do this around others; I think the distrust and censure around using affection as a form of support are even stronger because I'm a man. So generally I reserve it for situations when I think it will be accepted or needed. If someone comes to me needing advice or an ear, I almost always at least offer a hug; whether I'm close friends with that person or not, the fact that they found me suitable as a confidant is enough to make me take them seriously. It doesn't help that I relate easily to other people.

I guess in my case it's that same sense of connection or empathy that prompts me to "virtual" affection here on RYL, as well. To be honest, I hadn't thought about it in such a strong negative light before. Having read this, I'll be a bit more conscientious, I think.