..................... ***sui Trig Also*** ED TRIG ALSO **
 

I know I said I wouldn't be around for a while as I haven't been behaving very fairly but Laura (as always :tongue2: ) is right. I don't have anywhere else where I can be honest or receive/provide support.

Sorry for failing to leave.

I'm back at work tomorrow - crapping myself. I know it won't last. Maybe I'll get part way through a phased return but my heart isn't in it. Anxiety is sky high and I know I can't sustain a working role. I need the money though.

Meeting my new care-co-ordinator on Tues. She (which in itself is usually more difficult for me) is a social worker. Hoping she will have some suggestions as to how to move forward but at same time, not holding my breath.

I think you have to get over the whole 'I know it won't last' mind set. I know it is hard and maybe that is your gut instinct but if you go into work tomorrow with the thought 'i can't do this', 'it won't last', 'soon I am going to crash out' etc etc then you will. Try and contradict every one of your negative thoughts with a positive, challenge your thoughts and try and block them out. I think you can do this Carrie. I know how hard it must be for you but you need to try.

I hope your social worker meeting goes well on Tuesday. Focus on that if it helps you get through Monday and then look at other things to focus on that are outside of the work environment. You can do this, you will be ok.

Thanks Emma. I know I should be positive etc but I can't because I really think that right now I need to somehow concentrate on reigning in the chaos and getting things straight in my head. I'm going to try work again for the money and because it is considered the right thing to do by society.

The problem is, if it ends up too difficult again, it is when I am at most risk re sui because I don't want to face failing at it again.

Sorry, that sounds silly.

It doesn't sound silly at all. I think you concentrating on what 'society' deems acceptable is ridiculous though, and to be honest I am not sure if it is just an excuse. I am sorry if that sounds harsh. If the only reason you are going back to work is because of what other people may think then perhaps you need to reevaluate. If however you are making yourself a martyr for societies misgivings then that is a problem you need to address. Only you can know if you are ready to go back to work. A balance needs to be made between trying to please other people and facing difficult personal challenges face on.

You sound like you are unsure. In my mind that would suggest to me that you take another week off to prepare so that you can give your return your all. I know you are a perfectionist.

Reading it back, that response sounds harsh. It is not supposed to. My point was simply that you need to find a balance between pleasing other people and giving in to your BPD which would possibly have you remain a victim forever. You are worth so much Carrie, you just need to see it.

This is my big worry. Can I dedicate time to getting myself a little more sorted (if that is actually possible) or is it me just pretending in order to give in and have an excuse. I think it is the former but am scared shitless that it will end up being me giving into the bpd. My capacity to cope with things seems to be going in an ever diminishing circle.

Thanks for helping me think these things through Em.

I agree with everything Emma's said babe. At the same time though i do think taking time out for you to actively seek outside support/help to get things more straight in your head makes just as much sense. Did you check out the mind link? If they won't give you psychology you can get upto 18 sessions with a counsellor there..and you've always got helpers around you in mind who are willing to sit in a room with you to have a chat. It might be worth while you looking into it.

You will get through this Carrie - it's just finding/getting the right support / care plan in order for you to get back on the straight and narrow.

Sorry i'm not good with words right now, hope that made sense.
love you x

Will let you know how it goes tomorrow at work.

Fingers crossed that I don't have a panic attack as I hate having to try and compose myself in the toilets.

x

I went in to work and no panic attack. I was only in for the morning to sort through emails etc but there is a solicitor who I do alot of work for usually - drafting her applications, carrying out investigations etc and she has already passed work through. This makes me feel better as we work well together and it is nice to know she still values me :-)

I suppose the lack of panic was helped by my housemate travelling with me (her shift start time luckily coinciding today) but I am going to choose to ignore that at the moment.

The plan for the rest of the working week:
Tuesday - not in - meeting my new care-co-ordinator though
Wed - all day
Thurs - afternoon
Fri - appt with gp am and then working pm.

I have asked for my phased return to be farily swift this time so should be back to work full-time in a few weeks.

Sorry but didn't think I would manage but I did :-) .

Hopefully my the social worker I am going to be under from tomorrow will be able to provide more regular and reliable support to try and keep me in work.

Thanks Emma and Laura for believing in me!

well done on facing it and a good first day back!

"This year, things are going to change."

Great job my dear Carrie.

Taking the steps to change, somethimes having to backpedal a bit, is a difficult but promising move to restart your year. Things will change (and are changing for you).

Take care of you,
Rain

*Big big hugs* I'm so so proud of you, as soon as i recieved your text i said outloud to myself "I'm proud of you" as i can't text back due to very low funds, but i was thinking of you today and i'm so glad you made it through OK.

Please remember not to rush yourself. I know you've had a really good day and i'm SO proud of you hun, but take it one day at a time - don't feel pressurised to go back full time if you don't feel quite ready, maybe increase your hours gradually rather than being thrown in the deep end? I've just seen you go back fulltime and have ended up in a bad way and i really don't want you to go backwards babe. So just take care of yourself for me ok?

And i'll take up your offer on borrowing that book if that's ok?
Love you hun and i'll always have faith in you and i'm with you every step of the way :)
xxxx

Well dome on getting into work today know that must have been hard but you did it!
Good luck for tomorrow I really hope this new cpn works out well for you and can offer you the support you need. Be thinking of you xxx

Great job Carrie!
Good luck for tomorrow. Let us know how it goes ok?
Glad you didnt leave :o)
thinking of you
romp

Thanks everyone!

I'm actually more nervous today re meeting the social worker because if she isn't going to be any use/help, I'll just be left to my own devices again. I'm trying to think of things I want to bring up without it being too many things seeing as we are only meeting for the 1st time today.

Laura - course you can take me up on the book offer, just let me know your address and I will post it on to you.

Rain - I had forgotten about that little statement. I hope you are right.

Sorry, feeling jittery and anxious - prn here we come.

Hope it goes ok this afternoon. Don't worry about asking too many questions they are well used to that. Fingers crossed that it went well for you xxx

I met my new care-co-ordinator today, she’s a social worker. We had a bit of a chat about some of my harming, drinking, etc so that she could start to understand how it works/operates for me. I told her that I feel as though there is no way forward due to rejection from the psychotherapy service. Guess what, there are some options, which we are going to talk to psych about at appt in 2 weeks.

She said that although she won’t put me on the list for psychotherapy in my local area (2 year wait), but she could get the head of the local psychology services to assess me to see whether he could recommend individual psychotherapy. If he believes it would be safe enough, she could then refer me to a local women’s centre where there is a 3 month wait for individual psychotherapy. She asked me whether my old cpn had mentioned the women’s centre – duh, no!

If he has concerns re safety, another way forward would be a local TC, which is just 1 day a week. She said she has referred a few people to it and that it is made up mainly of people diagnosed with a personality disorder. She is going to ask the psych if it would be suitable. If it is, it would be a way of me moving forward and maybe getting to the point where individual psychotherapy would be possible.

Apparently, the people she has referred to there in the past had similar concerns to me re groups etc but that although the first few weeks there were really difficult as they settled into the group, they have all benefitted from it. In addition, with it only being 1 day a week, I am hoping, if it does come to this that work will accept a cut in my hours to allow me to attend. If I am referred, the referral process literally takes about 3 weeks.

She has worked with people like me before and said that she doesn’t hold to the usual “strict boundaries” for people with pds. I didn’t quite know what she meant at the time but perhaps that is why my old cpn was constantly just saying the same things over and over – they were the boundaries

So, it seems that there may be a way forward and she understood that leaving me until some uncertain time in the future when I may be suitable for individual psychotherapy is not a satisfactory state and so need to do something to get me to that point. It’s a relief that I’m hopefully not going to be left in this state of limbo.

Finally, my psych has now resigned. So, my outpatient appt in a couple of weeks will be with the crisis team psych who I have been under before and who I had no problem with, so hopefully something will be suggested or decided on.

that's brilliant, Carrie. you deserve some proper support. how do you feel on hearing this? xxx

I can't quite believe that I might be able to get some support.

I reckon that the psych will put a halt to it or the sw will just be like my old cpn and not follow through on anything.

I feel angry at myself for letting myself be messed around so much by my cpn.

I'm slightly scared at the thought of having to go over stuff that I try to drown out.

Sorry, a little bit confused and have lots of things in my head so trying to get some out.

What is the point? Someone remind me? Cut again tonight, pathetic.

the point is that Rome wasn't built in a day. sometimes recovery takes a long time, and it's full of slip-ups and potholes.

i'm not surprised you doubt how devoted your social worker is. i hope in time you'll be able to build up a trusting relationship.

Very wise words from whirlpools.

Hope youre doing ok Carrie
Am worried about you xx

I'm ok thanks just tired from being back at work and my head is really busy right now.

I've got an appointment with gp tomorrow, I have seen others at the practice before but not her. She has a special interest in mh and my older sister spoke to her when I was admitted and said she sounded helpful. I made the appt thinking I needed her to help re change of care co-ordinator etc and whether she has access to anything that might help me but now I have met my social worker. I'm wondering if I am wasting an appointment. I kind of want to just get her onside so that she can help chase things and support me b/c I feel like I fought services by myself for so long and now drained. However, I feel like I am wasting an appt - I know the locum gp wanted me to make one as a way to keep an eye on me due to increased meds but there are people who are ill who need to speak to a dr and may not have been able to get an appt.

Sorry, that's a bit of random waffle.

I hope you keep the appt. You are absolutely right in wanting to get her onboard too. For, as you said, chasing up, etc. And, as you have just found out, there are different options with different ppl.
You ARE ill hun, Sorry, but you do deserve the appt just as much as anyone else. You need AND deserve the support and help.
I don't doubt your head is confused right now...to have all these options open to you suddenly, after being led to believe there was nothing, must be a little frightening!
I hope she follows thru and you finally get some proper care and support.
Keeping fingers crossed this is the way forward for you...you've waited so long.
Good luck
love
romp

Going to go away for a few days. Will update when I can.

Thank you for your support!

Sobered up - not going to go away as so many things to catch up on at home.

I managed to go into work as planned, next week my hours increase a little. I think, off the top of my head that I am in as follows:
Mon - pm
Tues - all day
Wed - off
Thurs - pm
Fri - pm

I went to see the gp yesterday. I kind of feel like I wasted her time. She is going to make contact with my sw to stress that I can't be left how things are. She said to give the SW a chance, which I am definitely willing to do as she had ideas where as there haven't been any of those for what seems like forever. Oh, the 14 day scripts aren't temporary, will be on them for a while until they can trust me again. Brought it on myself though I suppose.

Another thing? I haven't drunk most nights this week as have been so flippin drained. However, my cutting is increasing again.

So yeah, pretty mixed.

Sat here feeling really anxious. Been for a short walk this morning. Might try some drawing and reading for a bit but am weak and have just taken prn.

I think you have done really really well this week Carrie *hugs*!

Going back to work is bound to be exhausting and stressful but you are getting through it and that is something to be really proud of. I think once things settle again and you get back into the swing of work etc then hoepfully the cutting will stabilise as well.

Well done on going for your walk, it sounds like you are trying really hard to keep yourself distracted. Take care of yourself hun x

100% agree with Emma - you have done fantastically well hun and i am so so proud of you! And you should be proud of yourself! Remember - baby steps, don't push yourself if you feel it will only end in disaster - just take your time. You're doing so incredibly well.

And in regards to the doctor you saw - i think it's down to your own self belief/paranoia that you think she felt you were wasting her time. I always feel the same with my GP and i always apologise to him for wasting his time and he tells me not to be silly because i'm not! I think it's a BPD thing! But seriously i'm more than sure she wanted to help you out and sort everything out for you and i'm really proud of you that you made the appointment!

Thanks loads aswell for sending the book babe, i did leave a little message in my R&V thread but i don't know when you will read it (if at all) so i'll say thankyou here! Can't wait to get stuck in and read it - thankyou so much for taking the time to send it.

Sorry for not replying via text - i must have about 10/20p max left and i want to use it for emergencies if any does arrise, i hate being without credit, it sucks, but don't think i'm ignoring you!!

Love you lots *big hugs*
xx

Thanks Emma and Laura for being so supportive as usual:-)

Ended up having a rather long nap after I had cleaned out Poppy (my super cute hamster with an attitude).

Maybe you are right re the gp. It just feels like it has been me against services for so long and now there may be options with my sw and the gp seems to want to back me up. I just kind of can't believe that I might finally be getting support.

No worries re the book and you not replying. I know you don't have credit but just wanted you to know that I am around for you still and thinking of you.

I was doing well last night. On an even keel for first time in ages. Had just 2 small drinks - really. Went to bed early as computer decided to have issues.

Feel a little rubbish as I wasn't there for people who needed me

This morning? Anxious, unsettled. Baack to this. Argh. I want to read etc today but will probably end up taking plenty prn and having a nap instead and wasting the day and then get made at myself.

Sorry, just rambling.

Still on edge. I don't know what else I can do. Have tried all day to distract myself. Just broken free some new blades. I am going to have to tonight.

cant you try to distract yourself some more this evening, bury yourself in a dvd or a good book, or put yourself to bed early

wish i knew what to say Carrie...i guess i cant stop you harming but maybe use damage limitation and try to keep safe.

wish i could help

sorry useless reply, but i really do care and worry about you xxxx

Thanks Rowie, it means alot that you have replied when you are struggling so much.

Still trying to distract myself but need to do it tonight as it is better than the other options.

How are you today hun?

Thanks for asking!

I'm supposed to be in work this afternoon but swapped my hours as couldn't face it. HR seem to be fine with it but it is just another example of me failing.

Just wanted to say thankyou for last night & that i hope you're OK.
X

Your not failing your trying to cope *hugs* at least you swapped your hours rather than just not turning up!

Thanks.

Feeling a little fragile right now.

In work for full day tomorrow. Fingers crossed it goes ok.

You'll be fine hun, i think you'll surprise yourself :)
Keep your chin up XX

Thanks hun. I'm mad at myself for swapping my hours as now have to be in 4 days in a row - although not all full days. I can't keep messing them around like this.

I can't do anything right at the moment.

Housemate has been a little off with me the psat few days or so and I haven't helped by having her 2 last cans of coke last night. Was meaning to replace them but forgot. So understandably she is pissed off with me about that. I can't work out why she was off with me prior to this.

Maybe she is just fed up of me and my chaos.

Failed yet again, haven't gone into work. Spoke to them to sort out hours for rest of week. Loser.

You're not a loser Carrie.
You're struggling, and sometimes there are people who don't understand that.
Just please remember, it's not your fault.
xx

You aren't a loser Carrie. You are still trying and you said before that the phased return back to work was fairly rapid this time. Maybe just slow it down and then you won't need to miss 'shifts' and therefore won't beat yourself up. The more you dwell on the fact you didn't make it in the worse you will feel and the harder it will be for you to go in tomorrow. Baby steps!

Please dont be so hard on yourself. You are doing what you can when you can. You are trying and doing your best. They cant expect anymore from you then that and neither can you.

Please be gentle with yourself. You really are doing so well xxxx

Thanks for your support.

I need to be able to do it tomorrow. When I woke up this morning it was like before - the whole being paralysed by fear thing. I managed to go in last week so it should get easier shouldn't it, rather than harder again. I'm not depressed, there's nothing wrong with me, so why can't I do a simple thing such as go into work - argh.

GP surgery has received request from work for report but the receptionist said it prob won't be done for another week. She said that I needed to request seeing it already. I explained that the consent form I said indicated that I wanted to see it prior to weork seeing it and she said that it should be ok. Why wouldn't it be ok? They can't let work see it without me having had the opportunity to do so, I need to persuade them to leave out references to the sh, ods, etc.