Daughter Dear,
I have been flashed at. I don't remember faces, but i sure remember other parts of it and of him. I remember exactly where it happened and what I was wearing.

It is okay that you were weirded out by this. It is okay to talk about it.

*cuddles you*

Um, I'm confused... The flashing topic was an example Jess brought up... I just seem to attrack men who don't know or don't care about propriety and personal space (ok, only twice but I'll tell you I would rather the first one hadn't happened and this most recent one just because it's created a huge mess).

Ugh, I DON'T want to go :crying:

you WILL go though wont you ally dear.

Mmm, just the thought makes me wish I could cry :crying: but yes, I'll go. Not sure he'd let me get away with not going *shrug*

*cuddles lots* ally... i think you're builiding it up in your mind to being something really drastic! I think you should definitely tell him how worked up the whole topic has gotten you! If it was nothing important to you, you wouldn't be worked up over it! *pets*

*shrug* all I know is that last weeks session was a miserable experience... And tomorrows is TWO hours because evidentally it's something not to be rushed... *shrug* I don't know, I hope it doesn't take both hours... It is interesting that everything got worse after that spring though...

would you reallu be able to rush it? you need to really get rhoguht it. talk it to death!

*shakes head*
No, I wouldn't be able to rush it... But if it was just a normal 50 min session then it would be rushed out of necessity. This way there's enough time for him to let me stare out the window and stuff...

Ack! 'And he touched you too'

*bangs head against the wall in an attempt to get that phrase out of her head*

*pads wall so it doesn't hurt* so in a way it's a good thing that he's giving you the two hours. Maybe before you go, write down exactly how you feel about this too. *pets*

Mmm, no, see, the wall is supposed to hurt, I'm a self injurer, remember? Or as it says in at least one spot in my file at the health center 'patient has a history of self inflicted injury'

Anyway, feel about what, the extra time? Eh, no worries, I can remember that. The most important things for me tomorrow will be my coffee and some suckers (lolly pops I think others call them) to keep me a bit distracted (I don't think he'll let me take out my sketch pad again... Never did that until last time and then I only did it because he was reading my post and I HAD to do something).

Ok, SO not tired and I really need to sleep tonight or tomorrow is going to be even worse...

*cuddles you with plans to stay nearby till you have to leave for the appointment*

*cuddles* i don't care if you want it to hurt, i'm not good at standing by and watch my friends and loved ones hurt themselves! *cuddles tightly*

right down how you're feling bout the whole situation. now to bed with you wench! *giggles*

good luck with talking about it honey. let us know how it goes

*feels like an anxious baby bear and huddles close to her blondibear-mum*

Just over an hour to go and I can't do this, ugh I feel so awful:crying: I'm too worked up to even cut and I can't cry and...
:crying:

****

:crying:

Never mind, managed one cut and it helped... At least while I was doing it... Now it doesn't help... But I DID use a cute Hello Kitty band-aid

*cuddles you*

The Session
 

We first touched on the fact that I'm uncomfortable talking about ANYTHING sexual or otherwise connected (um, I don't even like the seemingly 'normal' girl conversation that involves periods... And all that other fun stuff :blush:) making any discussion about this incident extremly difficult (yes, I know, I'm strange). We then went who knows where (pretty much everywhere and, being very uncomfortable I can't remember it too well).
The session actually almost ended after 55 minutes, because evidentally my saying that it wasn't a big deal was enough. However, I totally didn't feel like it was done and told him so. I pulled out my blackberry and showed him my post wondering if all that happened after that spring (heavy drinking -for me anyway-, cutting on my arms, my first -and last- experience with sex, etc) was just a coincidence. That once again brought up the whole 'sexual' issues, whatever you want to call it (I just don't think you talk about that stuff is all) and the idea that that aversion to such topics could be another attempt to keep folks at arms length. The idea was also thrown out there that it could have something to do with my relationships with men (that came up mostly, I think, in connection with the whole 'first time' -I can't BELIEVE I let him read that :crying:- part of that post), abusive father (though he used a word I can't remember that made it sound worse than that did)teacher incident, the other one from a few years before... and had I dated before 'the incident', how had that been for me (as in, good or bad experiences)... during the time I 'worked' with Kirk (first guy I saw) I'd been in a relationship, how had that been (that was kind of a long discussion on how and why it ended, which lead to a discussion basically on how I'm not sure it's fair to saddle someone with my issues and btw why would someone want to get involved with these issues, these scars... Will anyone ever value a relationship with me enough to look past my scars? That was a fun discussion *rolls eyes*)... Oh, sorry, zoned for a minute there *shakes head to clear the cobwebs*. That wasn't too effective, just did it again :pinch:

ANYWAY... Somewhere along the line (about the last five minutes of this extended session) I just went 'it was a big deal. Frontal lobe inhibition be damned, I don't believe it was an accident, it was intentional, inappropriate, violating and it was a big deal. And that's not even taking into account that his just showing up, that he was drunk, his having told folks we were dating (!!), all of that was not kosher, you could go so far as to say that too was a violation.

*phew* Now what? I still don't know if that list of things all coming after the incident is just a coincidence or not, though to be honest I am leaning toward not. If it is not then I need to figure out WHY it caused all those dominos to fall and what I can do... Because I'd REALLY like to be able to wake up and not have to wonder whether or not I'll be able to function the whole day or not...

:crying:

It helped, it was good... And I'm still left with... I don't know... *sigh* I sick :pinch:

Sweetie, Daughter,
I don't have any words of comfort. No wise advice.

*cuddles you for as long as you need*

Cuddles, which are just as important as any kind of advice *cuddles her RYL-mum back*

awww sweetie i am so sorry it didn't go the way you wanted, i wish i had some good advice for you but *hugs* hugs are all i have right now i am sorry xx

*bounds into the thread, tackled ally and cuddles her lots*

sweetheart do you have any idea how proud I am of you??? you went... you TALKED! You showed him your post! You have made a HUGE acheivement! *cuddles lots* i'm so proud of you! You should be proud of you too!!!!

well im glad you managed to get it out at the end of the session. now you can start trying to figure out how much it was responsible for the stuff thats happened afterwards.
that was the first step and it sounded like it was useful so im glad you went :)
see you later *cuddles*

*leaves a hug*

Hey sweets (mango) I see you. Thanks for the hug hun, thanks everyone, really.

*sigh* There is something SERIOUSLY wrong with me, for heaven sake! I am SO not safe and I'd call the crisis line except I know myself well enough that the thought of calling them alone will more than likely be enough to keep me from doing anything...
But WTF, why don't I feel any better? It can't be this way, next week is my last session for crying out loud! And since I can't put my finger on exactly what's bothering me it makes no sense what so ever to see if he's got another opening this week...

Ugh! Why can't I be normal, for crying out loud?!

why would you feel better straight away? it takes TIME. It's nto something that just magically happens! *cuddles lots* how come it's your last session?

I know, I'm just so tired of it all... Tired of staring at the wall feeling awful, tired of wanting nothing, not wanting to go home, not wanting to be here, not wanting to DO anything... No more dreams, no more future... I used to be able to see it and now it's just... Nothing. And then this whole thing which I've pretty much decided is at least partially responsible for functioning being so damn difficult for the last year+ I've decided I agree with y'all that it was a big deal, now for heaven sake someone wave a magic wand and fix it!

*takes a deep breath and calms down*

And it's my last session because that's when the health and counseling center closes until fall term... And since I've graduated I can't (obviously) use it after this summer... So I'm also out a doc...

*climbs back into her linen closet and hides*

*crams herself into ally's linen cupbaord and squishes ally*

honey... magic wands are... in short supply... someone stole mine... bastard :P

can you find another counsellor/doc?

I don't know, Jeff, seems like it's pretty magic to me *leans on Jeffs magic sholder*

*helps Jess look for the bastard that stole her magic wand*
*sigh* no, not at the moment I can't. State won't give me medical so I've got to look into getting cheap medical some other way... Case workers helping me on Wednesday. But... TBH... I know I at least need a doc but I am SO not looking forward to having to deal with someone else when it comes to this mess:pinch:. And I have a feeling that after I get my hands on my files next week (getting them so I can hand them off to the proper folks if and when the time comes) I'll be even less excited about the idea...

In short: I suck.

*cuddles you*

you don't suck!

*hunts for wand* i'll smack that bastard if i ever catch them >.<

can you just ask them to forward your files to the proper people when the time comes?

I don't think so, I'm not sure how long they keep them... And I DO want to read them, I'm morbidly curious as to what they say... Good bed time reading. Besides it doesn't matter what they say, I do need a doc and so they've got to see it... Which means they will know about my cutting and once again I will be humiliated:crying:

I think it's seven years. Or something like that. You wont be humiliated. It is SO common. So unless your doctor is naive and never seen another patient, he/she is bound to have at LEAST one other person who self harms! It will be FINE!!!! *cuddles* why do you want to read them??

Doesn't matter, I'll still feel humiliated and ashamed...

As to why I want to read them... Morbid curiosity... And I've read bits and pieces of my medical file when they've left the room to go grab meds... And my therapist this last summer read me bits and pieces until I told him it made me uncomfortable. Other than that... *shrug* I don't know... Probably just another way to make myself feel lousy...

well you shouldn't! *cuddles and snuggles*

i've got to go sweetheart, but i'll pop back on to check how you're goignt later! *hugs* be safe!

*hugs*
Take care hun :-)
No worries, I'm going to attempt to get some sleep in a bit here...

Ally dear, I wish I had some magic to give you. I don't though. Best thing I know how to do is to make sure you are tucked in and comfy. And give you a kiss on your cheek. Sleep well. Sweet dreams or none at all.

*hugs for everyone*

I hope you're doing a bit better today sweetheart! *hugs*

*hugs Susan and Jess*
Thanks gals. I'm doing a bit better today... I think... Been a bit eventful and this is the first time I've had serious urges to OD on my ADs rather then the OTC pain killers I usually use... But I successfully resisted and only took my meds as prescribed... Did but some new blades though:pinch:

*cuddles* well... i'd rather you cut a little then died a lot. *cuddles* i'm glad you're doing a little better!

Hmm, to be able to 'die a lot' implies that it is also possible to 'die a little'
*ponders this a bit* maybe a coma? *shakes head*
Lol sorry, I'm exhausted, makes me more weird than normal.

no no... don't ponder. just... get some rest?

Oh no worries I'm too tired to actually do anything... Just laying here wishing it would cool off and hoping my headache goes away soon

drink lots of water.... keep drinking lots of water! and go to bed~!

Yes ma'am, lol. *hugs*

good girl. Sleep is the best thing for a headache, specially if it's from not drinking enough water and being tired!!!!

Yay, just got an email about going for two hours next week as well *rolls eyes*
Suppose it's not so bad, it is my last session... But seeing as I am slightly mortified after this last one... Ah, well, I'm too tired to care all that much right now...

two horus will be good next week! you can sit down with him and do a plan on how to manage and stuff in the time that you're not seeing anyone!

In the heat and humidity, gatorade is good too. I drink gatorade if i'm out someplace where it is very hot. And no, i'm not a salesman for the stuff.

Lol Susan, maybe not but sometimes I think you should be ;-)

Yeah, Jess, but that was what we were going to do with the regular session... Extended sounds like we get to talk about more 'fun' stuff:pinch:.

Oh well, I lived through the last one so I should make it through this one.

just sounds like he's giving you plenty of time to get the help you need in a last session... cause technically 2 hours is 2 sessions...