I am weak and stupid and pathetic...

[ThinkingofRecovery]

Things have been getting really difficult again and I kind of realised that the pressure at work (I'm a solicitor whose boss is a bit of a ****) is really not helping. I've decided to take a step back and apply for more junior roles eg as a paralegal both in the firm and externally. I thought it might be a sensible thing to do, give me more time to try and get over this as currently things aren't great but maybe I'm just giving in. Being good at my job is the only thing I've ever been any use for but I am not coping. I'm really annoyed with myself as I didn't used to be this person who got so upset and tearful or full of rage. Anyway, just wondering whether you reckon this is a bit of a cop out because the voices certainly keep telling me that and maybe they're right, they usually are.

[Merc]

No hun, it does NOT seem a cop out in the least. I know how bad voices can get, but on this it is WRONG. You are showing you want YOU to be well and are taking steps to achieve that....i say keep on with what you are doing, it sounds very smart.
You need to care for you right now as it sounds like things are piling up and affecting you negatively and youyr job and the enjoyment/satisfaction you got/get from it.

So simple answer? NO it isnt a cop out
YES you should do it

Pm anytime ok???
pls try to keep safe
romp

[ThinkingofRecovery]

Thanks hun. I am trying to do something, take a step to regain control. To me it feels weak but to my CPN it would prob seem sensible. I can't even do hearing voices right (only pseudo-hallucinations according to the psych - I'd like to see them trying to deal with constant noise)! It's as though I am taking a step back because I am still at work at the moment and yes I struggle to get out everyday, not OD etc to keep the absences down. I reckon maybe a step down but aiming to attend properly would in a way be a step forward. Sorry, this is a random stream of consciousness, it helps me to kind of get it out to think about it properly if that makes sense.

How you doing at the moment?

[Trucktastic]

I agree with Romp.

getting a less stressful job is not a cop out, its a good idea. It will give you something that you enjoy, not something that is going to cause you problems. It will help you control your life and not let the stress take control. I don't think it's a step back, actually I think it's a step forward. Whoever decided people have to force themselves to earn more money, or to 'move on' in their career should be shot in my opinion! What is wrong with enjoying a stress less job? You are doing it for at least 37 hours a week, so why force yourself to do something you hate and is making you unwell?

I think you are doing exactly the right thing for you. And that is what matters.

Take care

Lozx

[Misunderstood.]

It's not a cop out at all, I think taking the the different roles you mentioned is a good idea. Finding things difficult to cope with does not mean you're weak.

holld

[ThinkingofRecovery]

I spoke to HR who advised me to go and see the partner who is in charge of recruiting for the particular position. She enquired first for me anonymously and it was promising. Anyway, I went to see the partner - I've worked for him and his team in the past - he seems happy to take me on. He is of course interviewing for the position but thinks it sounds like the best option for me and the firm. He asked me to think about it before giving him a firm answer but I know I am going to confirm that I want it. He even said that due to my skill level, etc, although it is a paralegal position he can justify a higher salary (still around 17k less than my current but hey ho) and will push for it with HR.

All positive? You'd think. In my head they are screaming and laughing - loser, we knew you'd give up, you can't fight us or who you are, pathetic, *laughter* etc

Anyway, my CPN cancelled his appt at last minute today but called me later in the afternoon. I told him about the position they are offering me and he reckons it is a "gifthorse" as it would give me the opportunity to sit back a bit, have regular, normal hours and a chance to try and stabilise.

don't think it's a step back, actually I think it's a step forward. - exactly what my CPN said. He reckons of late that I have turned a corner as I am now talking to him more, spoke to my psych etc.

IT'S WEAK THOUGH. FAILURE. NOT DOING WHAT YOU SHOULD AND WHAT ABLE TO DO.

I have to punish myself. Haven't cut for a week and 1/2 but going to have to now. The rage that has been boiling over of late needs to be turned on me.

Sorry, just ranting, don't expect anyone to read/reply.

Thanks

[Misunderstood.]

If you are unwell or have an illness with the nature that many people on here do then you find you have to make allowances for that and it doesn't make you any less of a person in doing so.

[Casper_Fading]

no no no!!!!! It's BRILLIANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Extremely brilliant!!!! I am so proud of you for doing this. It's a HUGE step forward for you. You are finally doing what is RIGHT for you. You know why those voices are screaming now? Not just talking? Because they're LOSING! You're kicking their asses. You're talking, you're getting help. That's why they're screaming. you're doing so well. I know it doesn't seem like it to you but you ARE! *cuddles* i'm proud of you.

[ThinkingofRecovery]

Thanks Jess *cries*, I really wish that what you said was true. They scare me and I just want them to go away. Is it really a step forward though, I reckon it is me giving into a weakness, taking an easy option.

[Casper_Fading]

it is definitely a step forward sweetheart! *cuddles* it's not the easier option yet because it's so hard for you to do it. *cuddles*

[ThinkingofRecovery]

I've made up my mind and I am going to ask them to consider (i.e. give me the job as I've been pretty much told it's mine if I want it) me for the paralegal position. I'll have to punish myself now though. I wonder how long it will be until I will no longer have to punish myself for this.

[Margo]

If i had listened to my inner voice from the start i dont think id be in the ****ing mess im in now. Im not bright enough to be a lawyer but i was pretty successful in my job. The more success the more work i took on and so forth.

More money.more responsibility and rapidly diminishing happiness until one day my brain just melted and 3 years down the line im still incapable of work.

LISTEN to your heart and not your head.

Dont be like a pengy. *shakes head*

The true strength is having the nerve to follow your feelings and take a step back.

The weakness is that thing called denial.

best of luck

Matthew xxx

[ThinkingofRecovery]

Thanks Matthew. I've bene heading towards melt-down for 2nd/3rd time this year - I go a little crazy with ODs, drink etc which makes me miss work. I suppose I think that if there isn't the pressure at work, it will slow-down the onslaught. It really pees me off though when I see other people around me getting on with their career when quite frankly they are dim and lack the technical ability but I'm weak in the head I suppose which is worse than them I suppose. I'm just so mad. Everything was working towards it and now I have it, I realise I am too weak right now to deal with it.:angry:

When I went back to work 2nd time round this year, my boss suggested I learn to say "no". He said I wouldn't no what people's reactions to it would be as he had never heard me say no to taking on extra work. I find when I get really busy at work like this I end up getting panic attacks - definitely not fun.

Any ideas on getting rid of the voices - new meds although seem to be lessening the sh/severity do not seem to have managed to quieten them down at all and they are particularly noisy at the moment due to this decision.

[Casper_Fading]

Honey listen to matt, the pengy knows what he's talking about!

It is a huge strength to know when you need to step back. And in some (many) ways it's much harder to step back then keep pushing yourself to a meltdown. *cuddls*

I love you honey

[Sleepless123]

i just wanted to say i think you are doing the right thing and it sounds really brave and sensible to me and you definitely DONT need to punish yourself though i know that is how you are feeling.

I have been in my job for about 15 months though.Before that i had done voluntary work but nothing paid - i felt a failure for that as i am 25.When the position i have now was first advertised they were offering it as a full time post.However after some discussion [as i have mental health problems, have a physical disability and its my first paid job] they decided they were more than happy to offer me the job for four hours each day five days a week.

This has really suited me well.However i still feel guilty and bad for not working full time and think others expect it of me too sometimes ie other people i meet [not really people at work though im sure they might think something too!] and often i feel really really bad about it but the reality is as my CPN says when i discussed feeling bad about it with her you have to do what is right for you.Her words were to me 'If something works for you and isnt broken, why fix it or change it?'.

She says she felt much healthier doing her CPN role part time as she used to in her old location rather than full time as she is now.i guess different things work for different people.

i still beat myself up about this a lot and will probably never stop.But right now this is enough for me and my work are happy with my hours too.The only thing i can manage to throw back at the thoughts when im feeling so bad about it all though and that i should be working full time is that though i am still fairly ill now i have been extremely ill with my mental health before and i have no desire to go back to being that ill, its awful.

Thats what helps me a little to try and ease the pressure i put on myself to be different/manage to work more hours etc....though it still doesnt ease it much but a bit.

If working part time is what it takes to keep me just about well then thats what I need to do.

Theres no question about that.

i dont want to go backwards.

No matter how bad i feel about myself...........

im sorry for explaining my situation in your thread.i know your situation is slightly different in that your going from a 'higher' job to a more 'junior' role so maybe my experiences wont help you and im sorry if they dont but i could really relate to a lot of what you wrote.

Also i really dont think what your doing is a cop out at all.It shows responsibility and maturity.And as others said though i know it must be horrible the voices are probably only screaming now cos they are losing.

Please keep fighting them.

i really hope that things work out for you.

[Margo]

Sometimes we see world class atheletes on TV saying they are not going to compete in this years world championships or the olympics because they feel under-par or are not fully fit. Many who do this wait a few years, train hard and come back winners. They dont compete and get forgotten as "also-rans". They know their bodies limits. It doesnt make them failures, it just makes them more aware of themselves.

Perhaps if you think of it like that it wont seem like you are weak or failing, but infact you are saving yourself and getting fitter and stronger so that you will be ready and far far better able to succeed in a couple of years time when your brain is at its fittest.....

[ThinkingofRecovery]

Thanks, I will reply with something of sense later but for now I'm going to find solace in my old friend Mr Vodka and what happens then, who knows.

[Casper_Fading]

oh darlin *cuddles tightly*

[ThinkingofRecovery]

It's official, I have 4 more weeks left in my current position until I move to the paralegal position. HR (with their usual jump in with feet first and think later) have spoken to my boss. The thing is now it's really awkward because they have told him but I haven't. I have a visit from my CPN in the morning but when I go into the office after that I will have to go and say that I know he already knows but I hadn't wanted to say anything earlier in case nothing came of it and it made things awkward.

I feel sick, the closest I've been to a full blown panic attack for a while - it was a little scary for a bit as reality hit. I've just given up the only thing people had valued me for. I've just given up something towards which I have been studying/working towards for 8 years. I've just taken a huge pay cut. I'm going back to work for a team and they'll all want to know why I am taking on this role instead of my current one.

The partners within the team had a meeting this morning to decide whether they want to actually go ahead with it. I spoke to one of them on the 'phone afterwards and it was quite surprising - it had them all questioning whether they have ever given it any thought as to stopping the escalator and being able to appreciate being able to stop/slow down instead of it always being too fast underfoot. More surprising was that this wasn't the female partner as you would assume but one of the male ones.

Scared of going back to them. They pretty much jumped at the chance of having me back but what if I let them down. All these people at the firm seem to have weird idea that I'm good at my job (even been called "a rare talent") but the reality is that I can't cut it. I'm a failure. The taunting voices are correct.

HR have also said that if it would help, they would be willing to fund private counselling or suchlike. They're scared that they've put too much on me aren't they? It was me who took it on though. Good job they don't actually know what is going on - they were told I have "mild depression" in the med rpt I helped my GP write for them :whistling:

[ThinkingofRecovery]

I spoke to my boss this afternoon. He asked me where this leaves my career - thanks for the reminder that I am currently in nosedive. He also said that he could tell I had lost my confidence when I came back to work in the summer. If that's the case, why has been such a **** and taken out everything on me when it hasn't been my fault. Surely, he could have been a little less twatty. Anyway, I know it's not his fault really, it's my weakness. Having spoken to him I feel relieved as I was dreading it but now what do I hear - all the taunting. Had to buy a new ipod today aswell as I lost it (or perhaps it was nicked from me) whilst out pissed on Sunday night - serves me right but ouch for my pocket, especially as I've just had to fork out £500 to replace my back door after the crisis team overreacted and the police bashed it in. Oh yeah, and from next month my salary takes a massive dive. Going to try and have to curb my impulsive spending - what area of my life can I transfer my impulsiveness to now :whistling:

[Casper_Fading]

you. are. NOT. weak!

My advice on the spending is to put money in an account where you need to go to the bank to access it and leave enough in an everyday account that you can buy food and stuff. Get your bills direct debited from the account you can't take money out of unless you go to the bank and stuff.

Or something like that. I have a friend who is bi polar and she spends so much when she's manic she was in a huge amount of debt and doing the above mentioned suggestion was the only way she managed to get herself out of it.

*cuddles you tightly* you are NOT weak.

[ThinkingofRecovery]

I'm afraid the voices shout louder than you. They'll get quieter at some point won't they? Become background-ish level won't they?

Thanks for the tips re the bank/spending stuff. The reality is though that I've no excuse and just need to learn to be a little more wise and watch my spending whereas I haven't had to for the past couple of years. (I was the kind of person who doesn't even open the bankk statements).

Thank you for continuing to read my drivvel and actually thinking of practical things to help, I appreciate it!

[Casper_Fading]

*cuddles* you need to start standing up to them. think of them as bullies who are enjoying making you miserable. what would you do with a bullY?

[ThinkingofRecovery]

Kick their shins very, very hard :laugh: .
*hides due to having actually done this to a bully when much younger :whistling: *

[Casper_Fading]

*giggles*

so do the equivalent of kicking a bullies shins to those god damn voices!

[ThinkingofRecovery]

Thanks Jess, glad it made you chuckle. Despite lacking in height somewhat, I've always been a little bit feisty :whistling:

What you said re a/cs hit home and so I finally sorted out my online banking today and sorted out my savings accounts. It feels good to know that I can control it a little more and quite excited as have now joined the 21st century in terms of banking - sad, aren't I.

Somehow my next appt with my psych has crept up on me. My CPN explained it was purposefully quite soon after the last one because it was the first time I had actually spoken to her properly so they wanted to try and build a rapport b/n us by having another appt. The problem is, I've desperately tried to cut down my excessively bad behaviour re drinking and absences from work etc and really tried to reduce my cutting. Looking at the past month I have actually managed it. But I don't feel any better and the voices are still there. They tell me it isn't really a success, as I always try this and end up more chaotic in the end, they won't leave me alone. The voices aren't psychotic though only something called pseudo-hallucinations - oh well, it's fine to hear them - sorry! I want her to see that I really have kept up my side of the bargain and tried but that there comes a point where me trying goes all wrong and I know it's close because I have this rage and self destructiveness boiling away. Sorry, I'm not sure what I am saying - I want to show that I've been trying and that it looks like I am re-gaining control of my behaviour but I'm scared that this is it and that she will be happy to leave me on this knife-edge because it is better than it was.

Sorry, just talking **** just ignore me.

[Casper_Fading]

Can i just make a small suggestion? Print this last post out and give it to them? This explains your fears clearly and they should be able to help. And this way if you give it to them then you don't have to worry about forgetting or not being able to say it the way you want it. I had whole sessions with my old pysch over what i'd written. It's a good way of communicating when you feel like you're a bit backed into a corner and stuff. *cuddles*

I wont ignore you cause you're not talking ****.

You have come a long way. You have a long way to go though but you are doing well and i'm proud of you. :)

[ThinkingofRecovery]

Pants, pants, pants, really need to cut. No reason, just need to do it.

[Casper_Fading]

Right a list. what is cutting going to achieve. Will it actually make you feel better or is it going to result in you feelign guilty and worse?

*cuddles*

[ThinkingofRecovery]

If it's yes to both? If it's more preferable to some of my other ways of coping - getting blind drunk and being found unconscious, taking an OD.
I HATE the guilt afterwards but I need the release. Will this ever end? Will I ever be able to stop sabotaging my own attempts to move on? Maybe not because the reality is that I deserve it.

[Casper_Fading]

ahhh well then. *cuddles* if it's the lesser of three evils :P

*cuddles* you're not sabotaging yourself. in a way cutting is allowing you to keep moving on becasue it releases enough tension to stop the overflow of emotions that trigger an od and stuff. In that case it's not a bad thing!

[ThinkingofRecovery]

I'm sorry, I did and I feel the need to do it again. I only want it to be quiet for a little while. I wish I could spend one day without them commenting and taunting. I hear them but they aren't bothered are they. They don't believe they are real. I'm sick of fighting and going round in circles like this. Need to be good over the weekend so can go back to psych with my head held a little higher.

As I have been fairly good whilst housemate has been away this week I'm going to treat myself and get my tragus pierced tomorrow. I don't deserve to really as I have still been cutting but I haven't ended up in hospital or anything so maybe I can have it done.

Look at me trying to be "good" as if I am a kid. Every little bit of my mind is screaming out to me to hurt myself and reminding me of how **** I am. Did you forget that you gave up at work this week? That you failed? Loser, stupid ****ing loser. You've thrown it all away, never been any use, why are you still here?

[ThinkingofRecovery]

Housemate has arrived back from holiday. I've been hyper and felt great for past couple of hours but ... crash. Inexplicable need to hurt and destroy. Stop. If life is going to be this continuing fight, why bother? Even when I enjoy something they say in my head that it isn't a reason to live - not living would be better, what is the point of life even if you enjoy it; if you aren't here there will be no hurt and you will know no difference, you won't even notice the temporary hurt you may cause.

[Casper_Fading]

ahh babes *cuddles* it is hard to deal with the crash isn't it. You need to take on the positives of what you've done. yes you have cut, but you haven't ended in hospital. yuo haven't od'd and you are STILL alive. *cuddles you tightly* i'm proud of you for coming. I really am.

[ThinkingofRecovery]

I see you
I hear you say you care
I don’t listen
They tell me that it’s lies
Lies
I listen

Do you not remember
You hurt me so much
How do you not know
How can you hurt someone
Yet not know

Is it my fault
They say it is
It’s my fault not yours
I’m like this because of me
Not because of you

Yet you did have a part to play
How can you deny it?
Yet I don’t want to blame you
I don’t want to hurt people
The way they hurt me

No-one actually cares
They think they should
But it isn’t real
They tell me it isn’t real
I listen

[ThinkingofRecovery]

Sorry for being a post whore as usual. Is it wrong to be able to drink a bottle of wine and feel no effects. I wanted to forget things for a while. I wanted the voices to be dulled. ****, need to cut, need to do something.

[Casper_Fading]

I'm sorry honey, i wish I could help but my brain is in revolt at the moment so i have nothing. Bt i'm leaving lots of *cuddles and huggles* for you.

[ThinkingofRecovery]

Thanks Jess, it means alot that you are going through such a difficult time but still reading my posts and providing support. You are a very special person - please remember that as I know you aren't feeling great about yourself at the moment.

I cut again last night but only little cuts so that's OK isn't it? Who am I kidding, it doesn't matter how severe does it, it's the fact that I still use it as a method to cope/keep control. Sorry, just blah.......

[Casper_Fading]

*cuddles* little cuts as opposed to big cuts and od's and drinking yourself to oblivion. little cuts are ****ing awesome! one day those little cuts will become littler cuts and they will get smaller and smaller and then one day you wont be doing any cuts. *cuddles*

[ThinkingofRecovery]

Thanks Jess, I wish it was true but don't think I'll ever be strong enough to be free and I still yearn for the chaos - sick, eh? I'm not sure why I am even trying. Got appt with psych on Tuesday but why? I'm not ill. It's well established that I am just a defective, attention seeking, freak!!!!!!

[Casper_Fading]

you will be. you're not ready yet. when you'r ready it will happen. *hugs*

You are NOT defective, attention seeking freak. you are ill, you're not okay and you're getting help. That is a GOOD thing. *cuddles you tightly*

[ThinkingofRecovery]

S**t, got to see my psych tomorrow. Want to tell her how things are - the extra temptations re death by hypothermia etc but can't, I should be gtting better at ignoring these things. Still cutting - failure. Still drinking - failure. Want to OD desperately - failure. The voices still speak to me and I can't get rid of them - failure. Still thinking about throwing myself off bridges, in front of trains, cars, etc - failure. Want to create chaos - failure. Supposed to be making an effort, but what for.

[ThinkingofRecovery]

Anyone there, please?

[ThinkingofRecovery]

Please, could really do with some company?

[Pomegranate]

I think it's really positive that you want to tell your psych everything that is going on. Do you think you will be able to?

[Casper_Fading]

hey honey, sorry i wont be able to get on as much. i'm in melbourn till usnday night. i will do the best I can though. *cuddles you tightly*

How are you holding up? Have you seen your pysch yet?