can I have some hugs and caring please?

[Stellata]

I'm exploring how things were for me as a teenager, in therapy at the moment - and how I can fill the gaps of what I didn't have then, now, to some degree.

I'm writing a diary of a typical day from when I was around 15.
It's important to me to do this.

But it's so damn sad.

Can I have a hug?

[Ratatouille strychnine]

*hugs you tight* It's hard but I know you can do this. I'm sorry your past was so hurt.

[phoenixflames_forever]

*cuddles you tight* thats a brave thing to do i really hope it helps :)
*extra hug* xxxx

[Becca]

~lots and lots of hugs~

[irkeninvader]

*sends you some hugs*

[Casper_Fading]

*leaves a box of cuddles there for you whenever you need them*

[ickle]

~ sending you lots of hugs ~

[risenfromperdition]

*sends as many cuddles as possible*
<3

[Rain Keeper]

*snuggles huggles and love*
Rain

[Stellata]

Thanks everyone.

I feel really really sad [and rightly so], and kind of ... weird this morning. Not sure how to describe it, rather like when you've opened up a box that's been closed for years, even though you've a good idea what's in it, you don't dare open it and look at everything that's inside... until now.

[effervescence]

certainly you can have a hug. *hugs*
i know how it feels to open up those types of boxes.
i'm glad you're doing something constructive in therapy.

[one_step_closer]

*massive hugs* I hope doing this is helpful for you. I'm here any time.

[Cazki]

*Gives you a big cuddle* I hope that what your doing is helpful to you.

Take care best wishes Ian

[Stellata]

Thank you.
It is helping.
It's uncomfortable though.

[Misunderstood.]

It sounds really painful what you're working at in therapy at the moment. I think you are very brave for 'opening the box' so to speak.
cuddel

[phoenixflames_forever]

*huggles you again* xxxx

[Trucktastic]

Hugs!

Like people have said opening old boxes (wounds) is really difficult, and takes a lot of courage.

Take care

Loz xx

[phoenixflames_forever]

*wanders in again to give you another random squish*

[ThinkingofRecovery]

*Drops by and leaves a few mor hugs to ensure you don't run out*

How you doing?

[Stellata]

Thank you everyone.

I'm feeling a bit.. washed out? this morning. Like I'm in a well or on a raft in the middle of a large ocean. I'm not sure. Trying to surface.

[Ratatouille strychnine]

*Throws you a big inflatable ring that's full of cuddles*

[Stellata]

Thank you Rob.



It makes total sense that as I find my voice that has been locked away all my life, the things I say often are what would have been better said *back then*. It's like playing back voicemail that's not been accessed for 38 years.
My god.
That's it.
You know when you get that shivery a-ha moment type feeling?

Please be patient and gentle with me as I negotiate this passage, as it's already been in evidence here on the forums, last night.
It feels very exposing and vulnerable.
I'm really emotional right now.

[Merc]

wondering how you are now?

*sends massive cuddles and hugs*

You are very brave for doing this, katherine,never forget that.
Here if you need ok?
*more cuddles*
luv
romp

[ThinkingofRecovery]

*drops by with a few more hugs to keep you going*

[Misunderstood.]

Making these kind of discoveries is good I think but at the same time I can understand when you say how vulnerable it must be making you feel at the moment. You have a lot of strength to be doing what you are and I really admire you for that.
Reading your R/V thread, as well as your other threads makes me think that you are at a real turning point at the moment and these things take courage such as you seem to have boundless amounts of.
{leaves a few hugs should you want them}

[Becca]

agrees you are very courageous *leaves more huggles*

[Stellata]

Thank you so so so much...

I'll update this evening when I get in from work.

[effervescence]

hey.
i'm here, and i care.
*waits for update*
you are doing so well with all this.

[Stellata]

Thank you..

I'm feeling really emotional and insecure and alone and empty.
I'm doing my best to hold it tenderly, and to put it in perspective with the memories and associated feelings that I'm facing.
I feel so sensitive. So sad.

[skyran]

*hugs gently*
i'll be online for a little while if you want to chat, or just want company.

sky xx

[Stellata]

Thank you.
Today I feel so alone, emotional, lost, and upset. So easily upset. So aching for love and warmth. So lost and alone.

[ThinkingofRecovery]

It makes total sense that as I find my voice that has been locked away all my life, the things I say often are what would have been better said *back then*. It's like playing back voicemail that's not been accessed for 38 years.

Earlier in the year after an OD, I saw a nurse from the mh liaison team who have seen many times before. He said that he had spoken to my CPN who had expected me to do something as we had recently started to discuss things from the past. The way the liaison team guy explained it to me was that my current reactions - the impulsiveness, etc are how I dealt with it at that age and I now need to be able to deal with the memories and thoughts in a way more befitting of my age but to get to that stage I had to be able to remember how it was at that time, which will cause pain. I have to know what it is that is causing me to act how I am currently and then deal with it properly.

Sorry, I'm waffling. I guess I'm trying to say that although not going through formal therapy for things (waiting for my out of area referral), I am starting to have to deal with hurtful situations from the past and I understand how difficult that can be.

*hugs*

[Stellata]

Thank you...