Fear of losing my intelligence.

[Steel Maiden]

I have had this fear for years but now it is so bad that every day I have meltdowns due to the fear of losing my intelligence permanently (or even temporarily).

My intelligence is the only good thing about me and is the only reason why I haven't committed suicide so far.

I can't live without my intelligence so it is frightening the thought of losing it.

I sometimes try to "test" my intelligence but I get a meltdown before I even start "testing" myself and I end up being unable to do it, which results in further panic.

This could be an OCD problem as I ruminate and obsess about it for up to several hours a day. It is really wasting my time.

I am on Gabapentin for migraines and I (a) read somewhere that Gabapentin can affect concentration, which made me think what if it damages my intellectual functions and (b) I keep worrying that the repeated migraines and cortical spreading depression etc have caused minor ischaemia in my brain, thus causing permanent brain damage and loss of intellectual capacity.

Everyone IRL is fed up with me obsessing about it but it is my biggest fear and this fear overwhelms me.

I really don't know how to get out of this. CBT didn't help a lot and my psych won't put me on meds for my OCD (except the 25mg Olanzapine I take for schizophrenia; Olanzapine can also help with OCD but only when added to an antidepressant) as I reported going hypomanic on all the antidepressants I've tried so far.

I've been noticing neurological symptoms such as strabismus and difficulty with coordination resulting in my gait being abnormal. I'm so scared that my intellect (or current lack of) is affected too.

Help.

EDIT: I've also been struggling with handwashing, counting and a very low mood. My psychiatrist doesn't seem to understand and I've typed a letter to her:

Dear Dr ***,

I have been struggling enormously with my OCD and low mood. It takes up pretty much every hour of the day and I can only escape it by forcing myself to be in denial for an hour each day.

I have this constant worry that I’m losing my intelligence. I try to “test” my intelligence sometimes but I end up having a panic attack when I try this. I cannot live (literally) without my intelligence, and the strong possibility that I will lose it is making me question the purpose of continuing to live.

I often feel very low in my mood. I have stopped cleaning the house (my OCD metaphorically “shouts” at me to clean the house, saying it is contaminated, but I have no energy), and daily chores are so difficult to perform. I have stopped cooking (thankfully my mum brings me food sometimes in the evening) and getting up in the morning is painful as I am too afraid to face the day.

I have been struggling to study for university preparation (which I normally like to do in order to feel ready for the year), even though I have a possibility that UCL will kick me out because I’m “not meeting targets” (which I don’t understand as I got 69% in my first year, and the 52% in the second year pharmacology exam was because I had a migraine during the exam). I often drift from one activity to another, interspersed by long periods of laying on the sofa and staring at the ceiling.

I don’t exercise anymore and I have lost my appetite. I sleep during the day as well as at night. I can spend several days at home due to fear of going out of the house and encountering the Spies or someone else that could harm me. I was recently called a “f***ing spastic” by a teenager in a group while I was walking to the park, because my gait has become a bit abnormal (probably a side-effect of Gabapentin). This amplifies my fear of going out of the house.

Although I haven’t had the energy to clean the house, my handwashing is bad, I am washing my hands 40-50 times a day again, and when I wash them I wash them twice each time (if I can’t find a bathroom to wash my hands in while I’m out, I use antibacterial hand gel). I can feel dirt and slime on my hands and it becomes overwhelming. I try to look after my skin by putting cream on my hands, but it is not a solution. If I had the energy, I’d be having three showers a day.

My life has become one giant OCD obsession / compulsion loop and my mood is awful (irritable as well as low). I try to use my psychologist’s techniques but they don’t always work. My OCD feels so overwhelming and deeply buried inside me that I cannot apply techniques to get rid of it.

I really need this to be sorted before I (hopefully) go to university, otherwise I will not be able to continue my studies and I may end up dead because this is unbearable.

Best wishes,
Olympia.

[Indigo.]

Hey there.

I'm sorry you're really struggling with this, and that others don't seem to understand how this issue is affecting you.

Have you sent the letter or are you planning to send it?

Have you been diagnosed with OCD? Did your psychiatrist say why she won't put you on OCD meds. Do the meds have any side effects that might affect you?

Sorry for asking a lot of questions. I know this is a major concern for you, but your intellect hasn't been damaged, otherwise you wouldn't have been able to:
A. Write coherently;
B. Think about the possible long term effects of your migraines.
C. Think of a.possible cause( OCD) and solution ( meds) to your problem.

I have had the same handwashing problem. I don't.remember much from that time (I was under a lot of stress, major depressive episode etc), but the handwashing was caused both by stress and my OCD tendencies. From what it sounds.it is very similar for you as this issue seems to be causing you great distress. As well as your problems with Uni. I have said this before, and I will.say it again, they are being extremely unreasonable, have no right to.threaten you.

[Steel Maiden]

Hey there.

I'm sorry you're really struggling with this, and that others don't seem to understand how this issue is affecting you.

Have you sent the letter or are you planning to send it?

Have you been diagnosed with OCD? Did your psychiatrist say why she won't put you on OCD meds. Do the meds have any side effects that might affect you?

Sorry for asking a lot of questions. I know this is a major concern for you, but your intellect hasn't been damaged, otherwise you wouldn't have been able to:
A. Write coherently;
B. Think about the possible long term effects of your migraines.
C. Think of a.possible cause( OCD) and solution ( meds) to your problem.

I have had the same handwashing problem. I don't.remember much from that time (I was under a lot of stress, major depressive episode etc), but the handwashing was caused both by stress and my OCD tendencies. From what it sounds.it is very similar for you as this issue seems to be causing you great distress. As well as your problems with Uni. I have said this before, and I will.say it again, they are being extremely unreasonable, have no right to.threaten you.

Hi. I have official diagnoses of OCD, Schizophrenia and Autism Spectrum Disorder. I'm on Gabapentin for Chronic Migraines.

I have tried Sertraline and Clomipramine for OCD, and, in the past, Fluoxetine and Citalopram for depressive-type symptoms in relation to schizophrenia (negative symptoms and low mood mixed together in reaction to distress of persistent positive symptoms).

I actually reported multiple side-effects from antidepressants to my psychiatrist in the past. So perhaps that is a factor. Also my psychiatrist, who used to prescribe me multiple medications, is now preferring a minimalist approach to my medication. So I'm on 25mg Olanzapine alone. She was telling me about some research she had read about polypharmacy being an adverse option. However polypharmacy has helped me in the past, and I've read research that it can, in certain circumstances, help.

Thank you for that reasoning. I know logically that I may be ok intelligence-wise, but OCD is, by nature, irrational loops of worry. CBT didn't really work for me as I am not good with abstract concepts due to ASD. I've read research that says that people with ASD need modifications to CBT as autistics struggle with certain ways of thinking.

Sorry to hear you struggled / struggle with OCD symptoms.

I agree, the university are being extremely unreasonable. I will go as far as legal advice if they continue to mess me about.

[talaiporia]

I can sympathise with your fears (I worry too) and I think it's because, like you, I feel that my intelligence is the only (positive) thing I have. But there are so many more qualities that make us special, and make us human.

Intelligence isn't a transient thing, and it won't just disappear. Sometimes medications can be sedating or cause a mind fog or cognitive issues, but these are almost always temporary. There are very, very few, things, short of a head injury or trauma or stroke or something, that affect intelligence and you are probably the smartest person I know.

Are you experiencing clear cognitive issues at the moment, or are these worries fears for future?

You say you can't cope with CBT and abstract concepts, but OCD isnt rooted in logical thinking - by nature, these illnesses aren't logical. Are you able to manage ocd thoughts with logical thinking like a list of all possible outcomes with likelihoods?

Where are things at with uni? I've had a pretty hit-and-miss time with different unis and different courses, and sometimes it's little things that can make a big difference. What would make a big difference wiht the uni?

[Ballerina123]

Can you take the research you found to your psychiatrist about taking many medications at once and explain to her why it wound help you?

[Steel Maiden]

Thank you both.

Yes I do need to remind myself of the logic: intelligence doesn't just go (bar traumatic head injury or a cerebrovascular incident, which I know I have neither of).

Fears for the future as well, as I want to lead an academic life.

That's a good idea. I'm going to write down a list of my fears and logical reasons as to why they're irrational fears. I dislike illogical behaviour, hence my OCD is my enemy.

Uni - they're arranging a meeting with me, my support worker, disability services, my (crap) tutor and the Dean of Student Welfare (which I think is a misnomer). This is to agree what should be done. Thankfully my support worker, my dad, my mental health team and C are fighting for me to stay in. We argue that the uni didn't make reasonable adjustments last year and that's why I struggled so much. I didn't get a support worker due to inefficiencies in the system.

I'll try with taking research. But my psych is set in her ways it seems. I have composed a letter for her.

[talaiporia]

It's something that's worth remembering, because you can use your (very superior!) logic to counter these irrational thoughts. Intelligence doesn't just go, and you are just as intelligent, whatever happens at uni. Exam results are a terrible measure of brains; I've failed two of my three degrees, but got a First on the other (that was sandwiched in the middle).

I hope the big meeting goes well. The Dean of Student Welfare sounds like a crappy title anyway. At least you have a lot of people on your side.

Do you find your psych helpful? If not, it could be worth changing.

[Epicene]

Sophia was full of wisdom, and I don't have much to add as she was so comprehensive! I just wanted to say that I can empathise. I know that in the depths of ill health it can seem as though everything is slipping away from you, and that medication side effects 'slow' us down, which can make us feel that we are not performing at our best. I often panic that the longer I stay out of work or study, the less I'll hold onto my academic ability, but I'm beginning to realise it's not that black and white. Sometimes I'll open up an old textbook and find I do remember and understand thing, to remind myself that it's not like I'll suddenly find my brain wiped out one morning! Also, accepting that I need to be on meds right now is helpful for me. I may not be in the future, but irrespective of all that, right now I accept that drugs and sedation is more helpful for any future I may have, than being without them and probably struggling with my mind even more! I hope you find a way of rationalising things in a way that works for you and that your doctor gets their act together.

[Steel Maiden]

Thank you both.

My logic has returned. My mood is levelling.

Gabapentin can cause low mood and anxiety (surprising as it is sometimes used off-label of anxiety!), so that could have been a factor in that emotional distress.

I will keep reminding myself of what you said about intelligence not just disappearing (except in the case of traumatic brain injury or stroke, but I have neither).

I see things in black and white all too often. Grey areas are so ambiguous that they disorient me.

I will keep exercising my brain so as to retain acuity.

I have a block on biochemistry and immunology but I've been training my concentration which has helped a bit.

Yes definitely, without meds I (and many others on meds for mental health) wouldn't be able to do anything useful.

Dean of Student Welfare......I have this image of a snobbish woman who only cares about statistics and is very patronising.....lol.

As for my psych, I'm seeing her this morning. Will update with the outcome. She's generally a good doctor but she can underestimate the problem at times.

Thanks all.

[talaiporia]

I'm glad to hear that you are feeling better. :)
Your image is consistent with my image of said Lady. :p

How did things go?

[Steel Maiden]

I've had "welfare" people deal with me before in other situations and they've mostly been crap.

My psych was very helpful. We discussed intelligence and the theories it and how it's more than an IQ number, it's a wide variety of different "zones".

Logic is good. I'm using it now. This morning I had a meltdown though, because of not being able to focus on uni reading. Conclusion: use a different textbook, this one is annoying.

I've got to remind myself that I'm more than an IQ number, that if I stay logical all the time, that is more admirable than getting high marks. And if I stay logical, my life will be easier.

[talaiporia]

I'm glad he helped. Logic is always good. :) I've freaked out before when I've not being able to solve a maths problem (once at school I panicked so much I passed out and got sent home!) but I find that it helps to take a break and do something different, a different question perhaps - and I use this if I start panicking and get a mental block in exams.

[Steel Maiden]

Thanks. That is very good advice.

"Taking a step back" is what my mum calls it. It makes a lot of sense, what you said about coming back to it later.


I get very obsessed about revision often, to the point that if I stand up to have a break, I end up sitting down straight away and forcing myself to continue. I call it "being stuck".

I'm not sure how I can convince my brain that breaks are good though. I get so obsessed.

[talaiporia]

I think being stuck is understandable and something that's reasonably common. If I feel stuck, I find it helpful to plug my iPod in loudly and then go for a walk, or go to Starbucks, because I find that calming. I think when you're stuck you need to get out of the situation.

I'm sure you've read lots of studies about how attention/retention of infromation, massively drop the longer you study (some people think you should only revise in 20 min bursts).

[Steel Maiden]

True. I've been more brave about going out for walks / going to the park and taking photos lately.

Yes I have read about how studying should be no longer than 50-60 minutes in one go. I will apply that strictly.

After collecting all advice together, I have decided to do practise essays as a revision aid.

[talaiporia]

That's good to hear.
And yes, certainly any more than that and you'd be retaining very little.
Practice essays are certainly good practice. I find it helpful to 'consolidate' my notes. So I take 20 pages, and re-write them more conscisely (only rewriting things that I don't know and are important) so I have 6 pages then 2 pages, then 1 page.

[Steel Maiden]

Thanks.

I have coordination problems that make writing and typing hard but I find that typing is a bit easier.

I get extra time in exams because even typing is hard. So I allow myself longer to type essays.

But studying I keep to 50 minutes now.

I'm actually learning to like biochemistry and have found myself researching it in my spare time.

[talaiporia]

When is the meeting with uni?

[Steel Maiden]

When is the meeting with uni?

8 September.

[talaiporia]

Good luck. :)

[Steel Maiden]

Thanks.

I just want to ask something different.

Over the past several months my speaking abilities have been decreasing. To the point that I've been diagnosed with autism and not Asperger's, as was my old diagnosis.

1) Is it worth asking for neurological investigations in case there is a medical reason for this happening

2) I'm still having difficulties in getting people to understand that talking is very hard for me. My care coordinator expects me to do all the talking, and my mum insists on phone calls andsocial meet ups. I am not sure how to pass the message onto these resistant people.

I also have more challenging behaviour, sensory issues and socialising is more of a mystery that ever.

Thanks.

[talaiporia]

I think it's unlikely to be a new, neurological issue, when it's been long-term and it's a known issue with autism. You've been very stressed; stress has that impact of 'worsening' autism.

I think it might be help to address the root issues - the pressure you're under at the moment, and the autism itself. I imagine that people like your CC are pushing you in the hope that it will help, rightly or wrongly.

[Steel Maiden]

I see.

I emailed my care co yesterday lunch time and she responded in the afternoon by email. She was generally understanding.

I've got an email composed for my mum, which my dad and support worker helped me with. I will send it tomorrow when I'm out of the house.

I had a huge meltdown and my head hurts but I don't know what exactly I did to it.

Meltdowns are like seizures, no awareness, no insight into what is going on. I don't know how to stop them. My care co said "do mindfulness"! How on earth can I do anything sensible when I have no awareness?

[talaiporia]

I hope the emails help. Do you know what triggers your meltdowns, other than sensory overload generally?

Does anything calm you down when you're going into / building up to a meltdown? Like leaving the situation and going somewhere quiet (I find toilets good to go and hide in if things are a bit OTT, and I can plug my iPod in and read something on my phone if needed).

[sherlock holmes]

Is it possible to 'catch' a meltdown before it happens, or in the very early stages?

I don't know anything about meltdowns but I'm imagining them to work in a similar way to a panic attack. With a panic attack the key is to break the cycle of anxiety before it gets bad enough for an attack. Most people do notice their anxiety building, their muscles starting to tense and so on, and so to stop a panic attack from happening they might distract themselves, do relaxation or deep breathing.

Do you think you can identify signs that a meltdown is imminent? And think of ways you can calm down enough to stop the meltdown?

Maybe you could rank things in order of how imminent the meltdown is. So maybe if the meltdown might happen but you're still feeling quite calm then you could read a textbook. If the meltdown is coming faster then listening to music through headphones might be more helpful. If the meltdown is literally about to happen then perhaps using a weighted blanket in a darkened room might help (providing you have access to these things) or if you're in public immediately leaving the area, putting headphones in, putting your hood up, sunglasses on and block everything out so you can just be in your own private space.

[Steel Maiden]

That is good advice.

There are different scenarios for my meltdowns.

1. Social situations. I get meltdowns from social overload, although usually at the end of the socialising. I will try to shorten the social meetups; I hardly ever socialise face to face, although my mum is insisting on meeting up (I don't want to) as she is an extreme extrovert (we clash at that because I'm an introvert).

2. Sensory overload. I was in Central London with C recently and not only was I constantly irritable for the whole time, I also had three separate screaming episodes. In that case I tried to find a quiet corner, but it was not always possible, for example at an Underground station I couldn't get out of the noise and crowds and ended up making a scene. My earplugs weren't very good so despite trying to shove them into my ears, they didn't block out enough sound. I will try earplugs and headphones next time. I'm also going to get darker prescription sunglasses (right now I use my Irlen lenses as sunglasses, which is not ideal) sometime soon.

3. Endogenous meltdown. When I am trying to do something, putting a lot of effort into it etc, and it goes really wrong or really badly, I get overwhelming anxiety which, if it continues for long enough, I totally lose it and have a catastrophic meltdown. In this case, the meltdown hits suddenly, with no warning. I bruised myself all over yesterday and I can't remember how, but I must have done this during a meltdown.

I can sometimes see a meltdown coming, usually sensory / social overload, but I find it so hard to escape in some situations (tube stations, socialising with my mum). As for the endogenous meltdowns, they are very sudden.

I'm going to buy a weighted blanket. I don't care about cost to an extent, when I am screaming and throwing myself at walls, deep pressure calms me down.

Can anyone recommend any better earplugs?

[talaiporia]

1. With one, you can get things (like Kitestring) that send you a text after a certain time. You could use this to say "oh I'm sorry, I have to go now" when you get the message and it's time limited (you can set-up the time for say 45 minutes time).

2. There are often bathrooms, even at a lot of undergrounds, though not all. Sometimes you'd need to ask staff about them.

3. You say you don't get warning for this one, but you also mention getting overwhelming anxiety before hand. It might be worth stopping the activity when you're getting the severe anxiety.

A weighted blanket sounds like a good idea; they're supposed to help a lot with relaxation and sleep.

[Foxtrot Oscar]

What is a weighted blanket Oly? Like, I know what it is literally, but it sounds interesting as a tool for helping. Is there a theory behind its use? I hope you find it useful.

[Steel Maiden]

Thanks for the advice. I'm have a look at Kitestring. Hiding in the toilets is a good method provided they don't stink.

I have reduced my study periods to 45 mins at a time with good breaks. I also was told by my care coordinator that having autism and serious mental illness is going to make it harder for me to go at a slower pace, and put migraines in too and I need shorter revision periods with enough rest. It took a while to get that into my head but as you all said, I need to be easy on myself.

I will watch out for extreme anxiety.

A weighted blanket is used by some autistics as "deep pressure" is very calming. When I have a meltdown, deep pressure inhibits the autonomic responses to "danger" / anxiety and generally slows the body and brain down.

[Steel Maiden]

I don't get it. I am supposed to be "intelligent" but this is the third year in a row that I am trying to do biochemistry. I didn't sit the exam last two years. I have to sit it this year and I know I have a high chance of failing.

I am sure that I am mentally deficient. Sorry if this annoys you. But if I were to be intelligent, I would have finished this course by now.

Every time I study biochemistry I end up getting really agitated, just because it reminds me that I'm not intelligent anymore.

I don't know how to cope. Intelligence is the only meaning I have in life.

[Steel Maiden]

Sorry for repeating myself but I can't stop this constant worry that I'm losing my mental faculties.

[talaiporia]

I think it's important to hold onto earlier thoughts that intelligence doesn't disappear suddenly or overnight, short of something like a stroke or traumatic brain injury (which you'd definitely be aware of!).

Has something happened in particular to worry you?

[Steel Maiden]

I think it's important to hold onto earlier thoughts that intelligence doesn't disappear suddenly or overnight, short of something like a stroke or traumatic brain injury (which you'd definitely be aware of!).

Has something happened in particular to worry you?

Thanks. That's true.

This is my third year of trying biochemistry because two years in a row I bailed out of the exam (first year due to mental health problems and second year due to severe migraines).

So if it is my third year I should know the whole course off by heart. I should be able to get 80% easily.

Most people who have done two years of one module would know it verbatim.

I'm studying stuff and while I remember some of it and it is all familiar to me, I don't know it super well.

Therefore I must be mentally deficient.

I want to come off all my meds as I think they're giving me chronic, progressive brain damage.

Every time I study biochemistry I get meltdowns and self-harm.

I just wonder what happened to that 96% average A-Level student I was once.

Now I'm just s***.

[Zurg]

Hey Oly.

For whatever it's worth i don't think the is an issue with your intelligence. Even higly intelligent people sometines struggle to understand certain things and we all have our strong and weak points. I know i can struggle to understand something if it doesn't really interest me or if i have some kind of anxiety relatingnto the subject in question, for example if it's a subject i have struggled with previously.

It's very easy to jugde yourself as being stupid but i assure you, you are not. I for one don't doubt your intelligence but you also seem to demand nearly impossible things from yourself as to how high you feel you should achieve. You are still human after all. And just because you struggle with one thing doesn't mean you're stupid or your brain is defective. Trust me.

I hope that can be a small help or comfort to you.

[Steel Maiden]

Hey Oly.

For whatever it's worth i don't think the is an issue with your intelligence. Even higly intelligent people sometines struggle to understand certain things and we all have our strong and weak points. I know i can struggle to understand something if it doesn't really interest me or if i have some kind of anxiety relatingnto the subject in question, for example if it's a subject i have struggled with previously.

It's very easy to jugde yourself as being stupid but i assure you, you are not. I for one don't doubt your intelligence but you also seem to demand nearly impossible things from yourself as to how high you feel you should achieve. You are still human after all. And just because you struggle with one thing doesn't mean you're stupid or your brain is defective. Trust me.

I hope that can be a small help or comfort to you.

Thanks. That is a good point. I need to stop putting such high pressures on myself. I will try to treat myself like a human and not a robot.

I went to a secondary school that demanded very high marks (my friend was told she wasn't allowed to carry on with chemistry for A-Level because she got a C in one of her subtests). I think it has messed me up somewhat.

I am also going to ask my psychiatrist about an antidepressant again because this anxiety is getting ridiculous. Also my OCD combines with it too.

[Steel Maiden]

I am getting a bit better now. I was in a depressive / anxiety-ridden phase. I am getting myself out of it. My support worker took me on a half day out today at Hampton Court which helped.