Reported by someone here

[Shrink]

I am in shock.

Someone here has sent a link to my serious post to my husband, through his band managers email.

I'm disgusted. It has completely violated RYL as a safe place for me and was sent to a completely inappropriate source, that looks very unprofessional on him.

I appreciate that someone was worried, but I have a therapist who I talk to, and will talk to about my latest thoughts. RYL was somewhere safe I could come to get some thoughts out inbetween sessions, an outlet, for some advice. I can't believe someone has taken they away from me.

Why couldn't you just write your concerns? That would have been bad enough. But to the post the link to my thread, the site. I feel completely violated. I can't believe that his band manager read those thoughts. I didnt even have chance to answer whether I could talk to my husband or not.

I have the email address of the person who sent it, and I would like this looked into. As far as I am concerned it was completely unacceptable.

[Shrink]

And now I have no safe space.

[talaiporia]

A few years back someone on here contacted my sister, so I can understand how betrayed you feel. RYL is supposed to be a safe place, a place people can come even when they have nowhere else, and its terrible that some people undermine that. I do think that if someone genuinely wanted help they would seek it and that sometimes the internet can be somewhere we vent and perhaps say things we wouldn't in real life.

If anyone is genuinely concerned about a member they can always contact the supporters and we will try to support that person.

[Shrink]

They didnt just copy and paste, they linked the site and my thread. My whole RYL could have been viewed by my husband, and his bands manager.

[yuno44907]

What do you need?

[Shrink]

What do you mean?

[beautiful_seclusion]

That would be so horrible. You have every right to feel upset. Even if they were concerned for your safety, sending a link or any part of the post was not needed. If they felt you were in danger they could've simply left it at that when contacting your husband. To do it where anyone besides him could see it is awful too.

I do wish all support boards were not viewable to the public, but unfortunately they are. It's why I don't give any identifying info about myself. Could you create a secret account like mentioned? It also is a shame you cannot block members from viewing posts as that would help with this type of issue.

[griddlebone]

I understand why youre upset.

However this is the problem with posting on the internet and even if the boards were all private all someone would have to do is email the person saying 'username is someone you know who has written such and such' then anyone can make an account and view it.

The issue with posting anything on the internet is that it can be viewed by people and however much we try and make RYL a safe place, its still in the public domain.

Whoever it was should probably feel bad about what they have done, however there are no rules which state that this is against the rules.Im guessing you knew them pretty well if they were able to find your bfs band managers email address.

If you truly want this to be a safe place then you have to be anon. Not have any info about yourself, thats the only way to guarantee that.

[MissAnonymous]

The trouble is, as horrible as this situation has been, its probably a vital learning curve, having your photo on your profile, real name and other info will also mean some people may assume they can use the info.

Of course contacting someone other than your husband, although the message was intended for your husband, is out of order but hopefully now you can prevent anything like this happening again and keep some anonymity online to protect yourself.

If you don't want the info to be used at all, keep it private. That said, I understand the upset this has caused and I can see why the way they went about telling your husband has caused a lot of further distress. Generally anyone who genuinely cares would speak to you first and explain who they were telling and why. Its very hard because sometimes people feel they need to 'do' something or inform someone, but there are ways of going about this that limit the damage; usually this is down to who exactly they are telling.

I once rang social services regarding someone being abused and gave the information/school/name and left it with them. Telling relatives is complex; telling other people who don't need to know is just not on.

[Cacoethes]

I understand why you would be upset. But you were posting about wanting to hurt/kill people and that the possibility was getting more likely. So whoever did it, probably not only had your best interests in mind, but also the safety of the people you were threatening to hurt.

I think maybe it was the wrong way to go about it though. They should have talked to you first.

[Shrink]

The last question i got asked on the thread was whether i could talk to him, i never even got chance go ****ing reply to that. Why did they not give me chance? Why could they not have spoken to me properly?

I hope they feel like ****. Honestly. So ****ing stupid. How could it possibly have helped things?!! I hope you feel stupid. I now have no where safe.

I dont know what to do now.

[griddlebone]

I honestly dont think you're going to get the answers you're looking for from this thread.

Whoever it was probably did it out of a misguided view that it would be helping.

[Snow White.]

This makes me not trust people :ermm:

[LegoGirl]

I get why you're angry but at the end of the day they clearly did it out of worry. If you post stuff online, with your name, your photo, about how suicidal you are, your husbands name, and by the way did you ever think whether that might not be appropriate for him, to publicise his business in a public forum? Because it was you did that not the person who sent the email.

You said you got banned from another forum for breaking their rules by pasting stuff other people had written from private forums there into here.

And yet none of this is your fault and its everyone else's fault you have no 'safe space'.

You'd do better to stop the swearing and wishing others felt bad and think a bit on your own part in this.

[Snow White.]

In my view they did the right thing. Clearly they felt sufficiently alarmed by what you had been writing..


I just think where is the line in contacting others significant others, friends or family? I often post about suicidal feelings, where does someone draw the line between when a person is managing that themselves and if someone else needs to be contacted. And even then I'd say you should discuss it with the person in question.

I guess this makes me worry that if this is okay then it's fair game for anyone who is suicidal to have that reported to others, where instead many people are posting here to manage that and get through it without that assistance.

[LegoGirl]

I guess it's because I've seen so many TV shows where someone has died and been posting online and the parents are saying 'why did no one do anything' that I can see it from the point of view of the person who reported it.

Just because someone is online doesn't stop you worrying or caring. It's hard to stand by and watch someone potentially end their life if you feel you can help.

If you want a place to discuss those thoughts it's best to keep your online presence anon.

I don't think you can draw a specific line because every situation is delicate personal and different, in this case no I wouldn't have contacted someone's husbands work place personally, but you can't make hard and fast rules about these things, life and people are way too complicated

[Snow White.]

Yes, I understand and I want to make it clear I don't mean that I don't worry, I just it's hard to tell who will 'potentially' end their life and who is better off you encouraging them to get help themselves and for who that will be sufficient. It's the same thing psychologists go through when considering if they need to break confidentiality; a balance of keeping trust and being responsible with information. But even then they consult the person first.

I guess I'm just saying it's worth considering if any one else has this concern about someone else that it might be best to consult the person first about your concerns and any ideas to intervene.

[LegoGirl]

Snow White I think on the whole we agree.

There would I think be cases both professionally and online for not contacting the person first though, like if you thought it might make them more secretive or likely to stop engaging with help or run off.

I haven't always been consulted before MHA assessments because it would have just made me run away.

That's what I mean, you can't make any rules for these things.

In some cases sending a PM saying 'I'm thinking of contacting your Mother' could just terrify someone and cause them to shut down rather than open a channel of communication.

[Snow White.]

Oh yes certainly I agree, I guess I'm thinking more along the lines of "I'm really worried about you and the things your saying, I think you need to contact someone and get some help". Perhaps, as they've already reached out here they might continue in real life with encouragement.

But you're right; we're talking hypothetical situations now but I guess I just wanted to get it out there.

The situations I can think of where contacting someone else might be required are when there is a specific and identifiable risk to someone; and where harm can be avoided by informing someone. But I'm thinking like immediate harm.

Yup, starting to see why this is quite difficult!

[DUNFERMLINEBOY]

Sometimes if there is an IMMEDIATE danger to life then we have to intervene, if there's not then NO, but by that i mean someone would have had to have done something that would end their life within say a 48 hour period if no action was taken, then and only then! Snow White i KNOW u would take the right action in those circumstances and Lego girl everything you're saying makes sense as well!

[Snow White.]

Irene I think you did the right thing there and I agree that would have been a situation I would have done the same thing.

[griddlebone]

I think it can be incredibly difficult to judge this kind of thing. Not least because of the amount of times someone has said 'I will get help, Im not going to do anything, Im safe' and then bam, OD or needing to go to hospital or whatever.

I think, for me at least that dealing with someone being pissed off/hating me or whatever because I divulged info to someone close to them is always going to win out against the possible guilt of someone taking their life and me being able to do something and not doing it.

[Freedom Fighter]

I think, for me at least that dealing with someone being pissed off/hating me or whatever because I divulged info to someone close to them is always going to win out against the possible guilt of someone taking their life and me being able to do something and not doing it.
THIS. If there is strong evidence that a person is a clear and present danger to themself or others then it is ethical to speak up. RYL is real life, with real people, who actually try to end their lives. We can't just dismiss everything as internet chatter.

[Cryptic.]

I'm unsure what I think of this.

With personal experience of a certain person going to my family members FB and linking her to my rants & my profile, not out of concern, but out of pure spite and bullying and to cause drama, I understand the distress this has caused the OP.

With what happened when this happened to me, it caused a hell of a lot of drama, unnecessary drama due to a very pathetic, drama-causing, bully.

However, if it is out of CONCERN and WORRY, then I can understand that.

If someone has the chance to help someone, from them hurting themselves or ending their life, or just to let people know how much someone is struggling, then that is quite understandable in my opinion, but it can of course have repercussions, and can cause distress for all parties involved.

I guess that's why many people on here don't disclose personal details, or are anonymous, mostly out of fear of people in their personal lives finding out.

It doesn't mean you can't come on here anymore, you can create a new account and remain anonymous on that account, you can still post on here, I know it's irritating that you would have to create another account and such, but I guess that would be the only solution if you wish to continue posting here.

I'm sorry this has happened, I do feel for you, I completely understand your anger and distress at this situation.

I imagine if this happened to other people, or has happened to other people, they'd most likely feel the same.

I know when it happened to me
[however, due to different reasons and motives],
it really f*'d me off,
and caused so much stress and distress and so much happened due to it,
though it was out of someone being a horrible, nasty, spiteful bully,
however, I do understand your emotions towards this.

I hope things get better for you and that you are able to calm your emotions and that it all calms down for you.

[gravy]

I've been following this with interest as I'm a lurker generally, and reasons like these play a part. I however believe the line has been crossed when the threat becomes homicidal as Lauren's did. Talking about killing yourself is one thing but harming others is another. I think if something had happened to Lauren's family, we would all be sat here wishing we had acted, so I think the person that did this did the right thing. We can all sit here and pass judgment but now no one will ever have to wonder what if. . .
I hope Lauren continues to post and get support from here but under an anonymous name, this place can be safe if you put your own boundaries in.

Helena

[The One Who]

Basically, it doesn't really matter what the intent of the person is. If you put anything out on the Internet, with your name and personal details attached to it, you are putting yourself at risk of that information being given to or found by people you know, or even future employers.

[Eccentrics]

In my view they did the right thing. Clearly they felt sufficiently alarmed by what you had been writing.

Nothing on the internet is private, and if one does post about matters which cause concern (misguided or otherwise), this kind of thing is a possible consequence.

Having reported stuff myself in the past, things such as the links to the actual material can assist the police and/or health professionals greatly.

This.

I know you may feel angry and betrayed right now, but in the long run this may be a good thing. I think once the upset dies down this may be a positive thing and allow you to get more support. Somebody was clearly extremely worried about you to go to such lengths, they wouldn't have done it to spite you hun. <3

Are you sure the band manager looked at it? That he didn't just pass it on to your husband, since it wasn't addressed to him?

[BridgesAndBalloons]

Basically, it doesn't really matter what the intent of the person is. If you put anything out on the Internet, with your name and personal details attached to it, you are putting yourself at risk of that information being given to or found by people you know, or even future employers.

I think this is a very good point to make.

None of your personal details can be reported back to people if those links aren't already there in the first place.

If people are concerned they'll try and do something with that concern, by trying to let people close to you know that there's reason for concern, just because they care.

Maybe feeling safe in the knowledge that nothing you speak of here can get passed back to those close to you lies in cultivating an identity here that doesn't make any direct links to specific names/professions/lives of those in your life. So those links aren't there and you're in control of when you want to talk to other people about things you've talked here.

[Snow White.]

Maybe feeling safe in the knowledge that nothing you speak of here can get passed back to those close to you lies in cultivating an identity here that doesn't make any direct links to specific names/professions/lives of those in your life. So those links aren't there and you're in control of when you want to talk to other people about things you've talked here.


Very well put (and after recalling Sarah's story above, why I no longer have ryl friends on facebook). Two different worlds.

[Dreaming.]

I think, for me at least that dealing with someone being pissed off/hating me or whatever because I divulged info to someone close to them is always going to win out against the possible guilt of someone taking their life and me being able to do something and not doing it.

Potentially violating trust and losing a friend through their anger is far better than staying silent to keep a friend, and the world losing them anyway.

Internet safety: Don't want info shared? Don't share it publicly.

OP: I understand your concern and your lack of 'safe place' now - hopefully you found this thread useful, if (I imagine!) a bit frustrating, and make sure to look after you, too. Hope you've had some helpful conversations with your husband, and all best to you.

[sherlock holmes]

I've had to contact the police before for internet friends who were actively trying to commit suicide. Then they get angry at me when the police show up. But I cant sit back and do nothing if I know someone is actually attempting suicide and has told me.

However, I never report people for expressing suicidal ideation, or people in regular contact with mental health professionals as that is their job to monitor them.

But if you post ANY identifying information about yourself online then it's open to abuse. At the end of the day you're putting information on the internet for anybody to read. Its never going to be truly private, unless you ensure you never reveal any aspect of your identity, but even them the police could probably track you down if needed.

I dont know the full story, but if you were expressing strong suicidal and homicidal intents then of course people are going to worry. I think they could have gone about it in a better way, however.

Basically, if I posted on the internet that I was planning on killing myself/someone else then I'd be quite relieved if someone reported me.

[happywondering]

I have a suggestion, rather than contributing to the debate whether who told did the right or wrong thing.

Why don't you create a new account? Then your husband won't know who you are. Perhaps be a bit more secretive, don't give out your husbands name if you don't want people to find him and contact him (or his manager). You can find almost anything on the internet from little bits of info like a name and place etc. Then you will still have RYL as a safe place.