They won't give me any peace *update - in hospital*

[rara avis]

I can't think straight, my mind is everywhere and nowhere.
I can't be unwell.... I'm not the sick one..
I can't make the voices stop. I need to be clear, just need to think for a moment. Can't they give me just a minute? I need just a minute...
I couldn't let them do it, so I did what they told me, I hurt myself, I hurt myself badly. I couldn't get the bleeding to stop so I went to the hospital and they stitched it up. They had a security guard in there with me because when they asked why idid it I told them. They thought I was crazy. The security guard, he was nice. He made me hold onto his hand and squeeze it. The Dr said something about 'command hallucinations' I had to try so hard to focus on what he was asking me- about music, he was keeping me distracted. The voices told me the Dr was going to drug me, then hurt me, it was really graphic. The security guard told me he wouldnt let the Dr hurt me. The Dr called my psychiatrist and he just told me to triple the dose of meds he gave me. I can't take the meds, I can't be hindered. I just need a minutes break...

[LaurieR]

Hi Rara,


I just felt that I had to reply to your thread- not in a compulsive way, it's just that I admire your courage. I have read your past threads about looking after your brother, and now the same disease descends onto you as well...the way you worded your thread made my heart ache, because I have had the same experiences and I was constantly asking the same questions- Why does it have to be me? I can't be unwell, I have to carry on...why won't they stop? Just give me a minute's break!

But this was three years ago...now although I still have voices, I am able to ignore them to the extent that I won't follow what they tell me to do (sometimes I fail) most of the time, as if they weren't there (in fact, I am sure they aren't there when I don't listen to them!). I guess I just wanted to say that there is hope, no matter how much you are suffering now....

I admire your resilience and courage, I think you are a great carer and be gentle to yourself, please.

What meds did they put you on? I am a (freshly qualifed!) pharmacologist and perhaps I can answer some questions for you, although when in doubt, you should always ask your doctor to make sure :-)

Keep fighting!


Best wishes,
Laurie

[roiben]

Do you thin the medication would give you the rest you need? If so, would that rest be hindering you?

Do be gentle with yourself. It sounds like you are going through a lot right now, and that can be incredibly tiring.

I am sorry I do not have words that will make things better for you.

Roiben x

[rara avis]

Thank you Laurie, and congratulations on your qualification, well done.
I'm I'm not taking the medication I've been given, I can't take them, I can't be sleepy and dopey, I need to have my wits about me.

Thank you Roiben,
Gentle? Maybe you're right, but i don't know how to be. I can't make my mind calm with the voices yelling at me, and I can't sleep. I will try again.
Thank you, you shouldn't be sorry, thank you.

I'm still trying to calm down. Ryan came and sat with me for about a half hour and our dog joined us, that helped a little bit. We just sat together, but then the voices got worse and I had to get up, pacing, pacing, Trying to breathe. And I think I upset Ryan but I couldn't think and I don't know what to do. I have to see my Dr tomorrow and I don't want to go, he will only tell me to take my medication.
Thanks thanks for your support.

[LaurieR]

Thank you Rara, you are welcome. May I ask which medications they have given you? Because not all medications will make you dopey or drowsy. Even if they might slow you down a bit to begin with, the main side-effects normally will wear off.

[rara avis]

I'm only prescribed seroquel at the moment, 800mg, I've been on it at a lower dose a while, but he wants to change it, I'm not sure what to yet. I think he mentioned the name but I don't recollect.

He wants to put me in hospital. I've not slept much at all. I'm worn out and they won't let up..

[LaurieR]

I am afraid that Quetiapine (Seroquel) at such a high dose (800mg is the highest licensed dose) is likely to cause drowsiness to begin with, HOWEVER each individual reacts differently to medications and I really do think you should give it chance to work, at least try the higher dose for a while. I know the feeling, it is very very draining to have voices. Perhaps a short hospital stay will help you?

[not_so_insig]

I am afraid that Quetiapine (Seroquel) at such a high dose (800mg is the highest licensed dose) is likely to cause drowsiness to begin with, HOWEVER each individual reacts differently to medications and I really do think you should give it chance to work, at least try the higher dose for a while. I know the feeling, it is very very draining to have voices. Perhaps a short hospital stay will help you?

I agree - I recently weaned myself back onto quetiapine and found it sedating. The best thing I found is to be strict with myself about medication times, instead of taking it later and wake up very sedated. Perhaps that will work for you?

I would try the 800 mg, when you are more stable then perhaps talking to your psych about trying a lower dose? For example last year when I was in a crisis my psych temporary increased to 700mg (normally I am 600 mg) to get me through it, and went back onto my normal dose as I can cope with that.

Also I do know what it is like (Wednesday night I didnt sleep at all) not to sleep at all due to the voices, so the higher dose may be able to make you sleep.

[rara avis]

Thank you for the replies Laurie and insig.

I I don't think I can take the medication, the voices tell me they are laced with something, they won't tell me what they just snicker and taunt. I got very little sleep last night and am getting more agitated.

[rara avis]

There are thundering footsteps they are so loud and the whispering its coming from everywhere. im hiding in my cupboard, have music on and a dvd playing but i cant escape. I'm frightened and I'll do whatever it takes whatever it takes!

[rara avis]

I am confused and tired, the voices they never stop...

[rara avis]

I saw my Dr yesterday. He asked again if i wanted to go into hospital. I don't. I feel like he is trying to control me, thats what the voices say, that he wants to put me into hospital and poison me with the meds so he can control me. I was up all night until 5am, They wouldn't stop, then I slept nearly all day, i woke up very confused and to the voices cackling.
I really don't know what to do. The voices are making me extremely anxious. My heart rate is crazy and its taking a lot to keep my breathing normal.
I am becoming more desperate, I don't know what to do.
I'm outside chain smoking trying to figure out what to do, the voices are telling me all these things. I told them to be quiet before, to leave me alone and the screeched so loud and so high pitched that it hurt. They tell me I have to be ready, that I will be judged.
I have no idea what to do.

[rara avis]

I feel at the end of my tether. I may have to do something drastic.

[LaurieR]

Oh please don't do anything drastic, the voices are there to hurt you so if you give in that means they will win the battle...I know how hard it is for you, but please keep fighting. Listen to the doctor and try the medication, even hospital please. Nobody here wants to see you get hurt.

[roiben]

I wonder which you feel is worse - going into hospital and/or taking medication, which may make you better, but you feel holds the risk of being controlled

or

Listening to what the voices are saying and being controlled from the outset by their impulses and insistences?

You are stronger than the voices. I have seen how strong you are in your previous posts, here and on other threads. You can do this, I know that is hard to believe right now, but I do think you need the rest from the voices.

Be gentle with yourself.

Roiben x

[rara avis]

Thank you Laurie and Roiben.
Will post more in a second

[rara avis]

I'm very confused. Really confused. I've taken my meds tonight, mum watched me. The voices were screaming at me not to take them, that they were poisoned. Mum was pushing and pushing, with Their ear splitting screaming I took them. I cant make sense of anything..

Roiben, thank you but my mind goes funny when I try to think about it.

I don't know, I'm thinking...trying to think...

[surviver15]

I'm not very good with this type of stuff, but I DO understand. Please pm me and maybe we can talk more and I can be of more help. Just remember you CAN get through this. I believe in you and I'm here. You have a friend.

[rara avis]

Thank you survivor.
Roiben, I might have to go into hospital. My Dr says if it doesn't get any I'll have to.
I'm really tired, was up nearly all night again, even with the meds and slept a bit today. I see my Dr tomorrow

[roiben]

Rara avis, I am sorry to hear that. I do think your Dr is right though, you need the rest right now and hopefully in hospital they can help you get that rest.

Do let us know, if you can.

Thinking of you and sending much support and many hugs your way.

Roiben x

[rara avis]

Thank you Roiben.
The night before last the voices told me I was bugged, that I had implants in my arm and I had to cut them out. I stayed up really late hearing them tell me this over and over, it got so overwhelming that I ended up cutting my arm. Badly. I ended up at a hospital getting it treated and they called the mental health team. I'm now In hospital. Last night I was so exhausted, having not slept for over 24 hours and I slept nearly through the night and a bit of today. I'm still hearing the voices, but less sure of their validity and less consumed by them. The hospital isn't the greatest place, there isn't anything to do and it's quite suffocating but I've agreed that I might need the help. When I'm stabilized I might be transferred to another hospital. You are allowed to smoke here which is a big bonus.
I've taken all my medication while I've been here and so far I haven't been poisoned which is also good.

[Steel Maiden]

I'm glad that things are being sorted out. I hope that you will feel better soon. Sorry for not providing support earlier but I'm in hospital too and my phone's internet is sporadic.

[rara avis]

Thanks and don't be sorry Oly, I know you are in hospital and having a hard time.

I've been on the unit since Friday night. I've actually been able to sleep, which I think is partially due to being exhausted, complete lack of sleep, as well as being compliant with my meds which are sedating. I've been trying to do some reading but my concentration isn't too great. I love reading but its difficult at the moment..
I feel pretty claustrophobic in here...
The voices are still around but I feel less consumed by them, I don't feel compelled to act on their commands though it is still distressing. My regular Dr said he won't transfer me to the other unit until I am more stable as it's an open ward. I'm not sure what he sees stable as though...

[Steel Maiden]

I'm glad to hear that things are improving. I'm sorry to hear that it is such a scary situation though. Keep going and I'm always here to help.

[rara avis]

I was transferred to another unit yesterday afternoon. It feels a lot safer here. Patients at the other hospital evoked more paranoia and fear. Lots of yelling and swearing, some threats thrown around too. I'm a little bit wobbly today but this hospital has a compulsory group program which will hopefully keep me occupied. I have to go now but will post again later.

Thanks again Steel, you're great,take care of yourself.

[Steel Maiden]

I was transferred to another unit yesterday afternoon. It feels a lot safer here. Patients at the other hospital evoked more paranoia and fear. Lots of yelling and swearing, some threats thrown around too. I'm a little bit wobbly today but this hospital has a compulsory group program which will hopefully keep me occupied. I have to go now but will post again later.

Thanks again Steel, you're great,take care of yourself.

I am glad that you've been transferred to a nicer unit.
I am sorry to hear that you're feeling wobbly, do you feel able to communicate to the nurses?
Compulsory group program, what does this involve? (to be honest me being autistic I wouldn't cope with that) How do you feel about that?

Keep us updated.

Thank you, you too.

[rara avis]

It's quite a relief being here, I must say.
I haven't really spoken to the staff that much but tomorrow hopefully I will feel bolder tomorrow and be able to approach someone.
The program (from the timetable-type thing) has all sorts of groups, mindfulness, art therapy, distress tolerance, people skills, stuff that looks helpful really. It is helpful as it means I'm not so isolated but it is a little difficult to go and be in a room with quite a few people for an extended period. The staff seem quite nice too.

[Steel Maiden]

It's quite a relief being here, I must say.
I haven't really spoken to the staff that much but tomorrow hopefully I will feel bolder tomorrow and be able to approach someone.
The program (from the timetable-type thing) has all sorts of groups, mindfulness, art therapy, distress tolerance, people skills, stuff that looks helpful really. It is helpful as it means I'm not so isolated but it is a little difficult to go and be in a room with quite a few people for an extended period. The staff seem quite nice too.

I'm glad its a relief. I hope that you will be able to speak to the staff, although it is hard if you don't know them.
I'm glad the program looks helpful. I tend to avoid all groups because I'm somewhat socially problematic and the noise of the day area makes me want to scream (I have had several meltdowns in the day area). BUT don't let me discourage you! By all means keep up as much as you can with the program, I hope it helps.
Are you on any meds now?

[roiben]

I am glad to hear you have moved to somewhere that feels safer, and better suited to your needs.

I hope you are able to make use of the group sessions and can learn to trust the staff there so that they may help you.

Roiben

[rara avis]

I could imagine groups and areas where people gather would be difficult for you Oly, in that way it's good that you aren't required to attend.
I might be going on an outing today with the group which would be nice, a staff member just told me she had to check with my Dr if I'm allowed to go.
They've just called us all to the foyer, I'd better go. Thanks Steel and Roiben, I'll be back later.

[rara avis]

I'm on 800mg of seroquel at the moment, and have been taking it regularly since last Friday. I'm drinking coffee at the moment, it's delicious.
The voices are a little worse today, but I'm managing so far.

[Steel Maiden]

800mg quetiapine (Seroquel)...I really hope it helps :)

Did you go on the outing? How was it?

I'm sorry to hear that the voices are still bad. The quetiapine will take time to reach a steady state in your body. Then I really hope it helps

How are the groups going?

Yes, it is hard; when I was in the adolescent unit (and before I got diagnosed with Asperger's), I would have panic attacks in groups and walk out. Then I got diagnosed and they were all apologetic. Annoying.

[rara avis]

The outing was good, it was refreshing to go out though I was experiencing...paranoia I suppose. I've spent less time in the company of others since last night. The voices have been worse today, I'm not sure why.
I've gained a little weight too which is due to the seroquel I think and it bothers me a bit. I feel very suspicious at the moment... I'm trying not to chain smoke.

[roiben]

I am glad you managed to go on the outing. Did you let the staff know you were feeling paranoid? Do you think the voices are worse because you are feeling more insecure right now, with the weight gain and the outing?

I hope you are able to talk to the staff. It may be that they can do something that will help in dealing with the voices.

Be gentle with yourself.

Roiben x

[Steel Maiden]

The outings etc will be hard at first but things get easier as the treatment works. Well done for working so hard.

Unfortunately Seroquel does make a lot of people put on a fair amount of weight. What is the food like at the hospital? NHS food is vile lol.

[rara avis]

Thank you Roiben.
I did end up telling my nurse that I was feeling paranoid, though he wasn't much help. Other patients don't find that particular nurse helpful either so I haven't been put off talking to anyone. My arm needs to be looked at today, and I get the stitches out on Monday so I'll get to speak to a nurse soon.
Perhaps being stressed is making things worse.

The food isn't too bad, though I've not been eating much.
Sorry to hear the food there is so bad Oly, that sucks.

I went out with mum today and I bought a new jumper. I didn't last long at the shopping centre. It probably wasn't a great idea to go to such a busy area, but I managed and am ok.

[Steel Maiden]

Thank you.

Things will get easier with time, just try not to do anything that will stress you more.

How are you finding the group program?

Shopping centre sounds scary. You were brave and I really respect that.

[rara avis]

The program is mostly good. I'm on an adolescent ward (Being in the age bracket that is in the middle between adolescent and adult) and finding it a bit challenging as I'm the only one in the group with psychosis and their issues are quite different from mine. But from what I hear the adult groups are a lot about kids, grandchildren, divorce etc. So I'm in the middle.
I had the unhelpful nurse again tonight which was frustrating as I am feeling a little worse today. The voices are worse still today, well this evening, I'm trying to keep distracted.

[Steel Maiden]

Keeping distracted is a good idea. What do you have in your room to do? I am currently on three days of leave, but when I'm on the ward I've had my laptop, music and books which have helped. I am sorry to hear that you are feeling a bit different from the others. Are the other patients treating you ok? Unhelpful nurses are irritating.

[rara avis]

Thanks Oly,
I have my laptop, lots of books (which is great when I have the concentration) and my iPod (would not cope without almost constant music) Sometimes when the voices get really bad I almost forget to distract myself, if that makes sense, it's like the concept completely escapes me when it's really bad.
I'm a little concerned that they seem to be getting a bit worse. I will tell my Dr when I see him tomorrow.

[Steel Maiden]

You're welcome. Those are good distractions. Can you read while listening to music? I have some instrumentals on my MP3 player which are indispensable for facilitating reading while blocking the voices out.

I understand. When I was sectioned, for the first couple of days (when I was at my worst and refusing meds) I would lie on my bed and listen to the voices for hours.

Telling the doctor is a good idea. Antipsychotics sometimes take a while to kick in, but if you get extra support or some temporary medication to help you along, that could help. I am not a doctor though. Good luck.

[rara avis]

I can read and listen to music yes. Multi-tasking is great for distracting from the voices.
It's great to be able to talk to someone that understands, but im not glad you experience it too.
I'm on TTD chlorpromazine as well now to help.

[aloneintheworld]

Glad to hear you're safe in hospital, and that they let you listen to music :) I hope you continue to get better!

[Steel Maiden]

I'm glad they're treating you well there. Yep - multi-tasking does definitely help. I often find it hard to multi-task though....

Keep fighting those evil voices, don't lose hope!

[rara avis]

Thanks Oly.
Today is hard. I saw my Dr at 8:30am - much too early. I'm tired and the voices are the worst they've been in a week, it's making me really irritable. And of course making concentration in groups, or at all really difficult.

[Steel Maiden]

I'm sorry to hear that the dr saw you so early. What did he say?

How long have you been on Seroquel for?

The voices are probably so bad because bad things happening have triggered them to get worse. I'm not trying to belittle your problems though. I hope that the voices get better soon.

You said you were on "take when needed" chlorpromazine...how many mg is that and does it help?

I hope that things improve for you soon and that the voices lessen.

[rara avis]

It's Three Times Daily. 100mg in the morning, 2 and when I go to bed.. I currently don't have any PRNs, but at home I was given Ativan/lorazepam which helped. I think the chlorprom helps. I've been prescribed the seroquel at the current dose for about a month, but I've only been taking it regularly for 2 and a bit weeks I think, before that I was not taking some of my doses because of the voices telling me they were laced with something.
I am more stressed than usual at the moment.
Thanks Oly.

[Steel Maiden]

You're welcome. I hope the meds will start kicking in soon (they usually take 2-6 weeks). But I cannot emphasise enough how important it is that you take your meds regularly. I am sorry to hear you're so stressed out. How is the group therapy programme going?

[rara avis]

I hope so too. And yes it is definitely important to take them regularly.
The program is ok, though some of the other patients can be frustrating, three of them last week were all trying to convince the staff and their Dr's that they had bipolar because they had mood swings which was testing, I don't understand it. I feel isolated in a sense because I am the eldest and have very different issues. But it's ok, the majority of the staff are kind and helpful though I keep getting landed with the unhelpful nurse that I mentioned earlier.
I'm distracting myself constantly from the voices and getting really worn out. It's really exhausting, as you would know. I felt like screaming my lungs out last night they were getting to me so much.

[Steel Maiden]

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling so much. I know what you mean about other patients irritating you, I have always had that in hospital (I always seem to get a stalker on the ward!).

It is terribly exhausting using constant distraction, but focus on the fact that this won't last, you will get better and you will feel better soon I hope.

Sorry if I'm not much help but I have to walk 5 miles to the hospital (its rush hour so I can't use public transport as it will be packed) for ward round and I'm very nervous.

I am always here if you need, and don't let the patients get to you. Hugs.

[rara avis]

Hey Oly.
Thank you, always, for your posts and insights.
Stalkers? Oh dear!
5 miles? Oh my, and please don't apologize, there is no need, you have been and are a great support.

I was talking to my Dr today about the voices and she asked what had I been doing when they were distressing me, and I said I'd been distracting. My Dr said to challenge the voices before distracting, to say something to myself like 'I am hearing voices, they are not real and now I am going to distract myself' which sounded very logical and helpful.

[roiben]

*hugs rara avis*

Glad to hear they are looking after you, rara. Do keep talking to the Drs.

Have to say I think 08:30 is far too early for a decent conversation with anyone. Do you think the appointment helped any?

Be gentle with yourself. Don't forget to rest adminst all the multi-tasking.

Roiben x

[Steel Maiden]

Hey Oly.
Thank you, always, for your posts and insights.
Stalkers? Oh dear!
5 miles? Oh my, and please don't apologize, there is no need, you have been and are a great support.

I was talking to my Dr today about the voices and she asked what had I been doing when they were distressing me, and I said I'd been distracting. My Dr said to challenge the voices before distracting, to say something to myself like 'I am hearing voices, they are not real and now I am going to distract myself' which sounded very logical and helpful.

Hi. You're welcome. I walked the 5 miles to avoid rush hour on the Underground lol.

That is a sensible thing that your dr suggested. Is it helping?

How's the group programme going?

[rara avis]

That's dedication, 5 miles of dedication!

I have only tried the challenging a few times, so I'm not so sure whether or not it helps, it's hard to remember to distract, let alone challenge when the voices are so consuming.

The group program is ok. It's very DBT focused, and i've done quite a lot of work on that type of stuff with my psychiatrist. My Dr says CBT styled therapy is more what I need. And as i mentioned a lot of the adolescents have very different issues to those that I have. I try to pick out little helpful bits here and there where applicable but I mostly sit there (trying to stay "with it") and listen. At the very very least it gets me out of my room.

[Steel Maiden]

That's dedication, 5 miles of dedication!

I have only tried the challenging a few times, so I'm not so sure whether or not it helps, it's hard to remember to distract, let alone challenge when the voices are so consuming.

The group program is ok. It's very DBT focused, and i've done quite a lot of work on that type of stuff with my psychiatrist. My Dr says CBT styled therapy is more what I need. And as i mentioned a lot of the adolescents have very different issues to those that I have. I try to pick out little helpful bits here and there where applicable but I mostly sit there (trying to stay "with it") and listen. At the very very least it gets me out of my room.

Lol. Walking helps me calm down when it's not too busy. When there are too many people/Mindreaders about, I freak out and go home.

I am sorry to hear that it is so horrible for you, but keep trying. Do you talk to the voices? Because a friend advised me that when I see the Spies or hear voices, I should be as harsh as possible to Them and tell Them to f off and that They are worthless sh*t.

I'm glad the group program is ok. Keep up with it. Picking out the helpful bits is wise. I agree that getting out of your room is good (I stayed in my room for most of the day on the ward and it made me worse).

How are your mood and your energy levels?

[rara avis]

Thanks Oly.

Not in a great frame of mind. They gave me some clonazepam, seroquel and chlorpromazine. The voices are telling me to... Do things... Dangerous purposeful things. So loud and demanding. I feel like I must

[rara avis]

Roiben, thank you.
The session? I wasn't very awake, I'm not very clear on what we talked about actually.
I will continue to talk to my Dr.
And I shall try and rest too. Thank you

[rara avis]

I can't work it out, something is really wrong, everyone looks wrong, distorted. Maybe it's me. The voices are ROARING at me, I can't make heads or tails. I'm not from this planet. I've been transported to another planet, everyone and everything is almost the same, but different, I can tell! I'm not an effing idiot! I don't understand what is happening. I'm not making eye contact, hardly talking, my voice feels small. Nothing feels right.

Had another session with my Dr. He declared that I was incapable of study or work. He wrote me up for three times daily clonazepam and some more chlorprom. Bloody meds.

[rara avis]

The floor is wavering and the windows Re shimmering.
I'm finding it really difficult to think. I have to go back to group, but I don't think I can sit there. I'm hearing all these voices and I can't tell who is saying them and when I reply I wonder if I'm hearing things.
I just want to screAm

[Steel Maiden]

I am so sorry to hear that things are so hard for you. How many weeks have you been on chlorpromazine and quetiapine for?

Are the group program and the hospital making you stressed? Because stress can trigger these things.

Keep taking the meds.

Sorry I'm not much help atm.

[rara avis]

Thanks Oly, no need to apologise. I have been in the meds for over 2 weeks, though the seroquel was inconsistently in my system for weeks before.
The groups are difficult sometimes, but I don't think they are making the stress worse.
The voices won't let up,...
I want to go home.

[Steel Maiden]

You're welcome. I know how hard and stressful it is, but antipsychotics can take 2-6 weeks to work.
My advice is to keep doing things, and when the voices come, tell them what you think of them! For example, when I see the Spies, I tell them to f off, or when I hear the voices, I try to say (in my head if I'm in public) something like "you're horrible, worthless voices, nobody likes you and nobody wants you, f off". It sometimes helps to get it out.
You will go home within time, but I know how hard it is; when I was in hospital I was begging the psych to give me leave. But you need to recover first.

[rara avis]

Ive been on the seroquel for just over 2weeks, but before thst i was taking them inconsistently for over 2 weeks....and the chlorprom a week and a bit.
The groups are a little anxiety provoking, but mostly i just sit quietly.
No need to apologize Oly, thank you.

The nurses keep saying it's 'escalating'
I'm worried if it gets much worse they'll send me back to the other hospital when all I want to do is go home.

[Steel Maiden]

Ok, I think that the nurses should let you adjust to the meds for a couple more weeks, because they don't act fast. Please do try and keep taking the meds though. I'm sorry to hear that the groups do that. What sort of hospital was the other one? Keep strong. There will be a good outcome.

[rara avis]

thanks Oly.
I don't think I can manage this Much longer I have so much restless energy but noproductive energy, my thoughts are all over the damn place, it's so hard to be around people, the voices are worse and I just, I'm really really struggling.

[Steel Maiden]

I'm sorry to hear that. I think you should ask to see the psych immediately. Chlorpromazine is a very sedating and calming medication (well at least my textbook says so; I've never taken it), but it depends on what dose you're on. And quetiapine can be rather sedating too. I cannot tell you what should be done re meds as I am not a doctor, but if you're this unwell then clearly the medication is not working.

I hope that things improve soon for you.

[rara avis]

Im seeing my Dr tomorrow. My Dr has spoken to my mother and he is decreasing my meds as they aren't working. But I am going home some time next week which is better news. He is talking about discharge and then an readmission in a couple of months.

[roiben]

I am sorry the medicine does not seem to be helping. Do you think discharge and readmission is best for you right now?

*wraps arms around and cuddles*

Wish I had words that would help right now. Am thinking of you.

Roiben x

[rara avis]

Thank you so much Roiben. ((hugs back))
I'm not sure whether it is best or not but at the moment I just want to go home.

[Steel Maiden]

I think going home might help (although not a definite statement). Being in hospital for long periods of time can sometimes be detrimental. Isn't the doctor going to trial you on some other medication(s)?

[rara avis]

Shocking today. I just ate and threw it right back up, The voices telling me the food was poisoned with a truth serum that the spies were going to use to get The information out of me, i don't know what the information is, its encrypted, coded and i cant figure it out.
I'm not sure what my Dr is doing but I'm seeing him sometime soon (next couple of hours). He also declared me incapable of work or study at the moment.
I slept very poorly last night so I've been quite tired today, I had a nap between groups.

I feel like there is so much more to the world. Dimensions or realms that few people have knowledge of and even fewer can access. I think I'm starting to be able to perceive and spend amounts of time in them.

[rara avis]

My Dr isn't reducing my meds anymore. He's actually upped them I think. He's said discharge in the next two weeks depending on my stability.
To be honest I don't care how stable I am, I just want to go home. He said he would really like me to go home, but is concerned about me and wants it to be pleasurable and not me experiencing symptoms of this intensity. He's looking out for me buti just want to go home.
He said if things don't improve in a little while 'we'll have to make some big medication changes'

Today I spent hours in my room, with the curtains closed staring at thewall because all these shapes were moving from the wall and into the space in front of me, it was really interesting but then they started to get too close and I got a bit frightened.

I can't look people in the eyes.

[roiben]

I understand the desire to go home - I know I had this when I was last in hospital. Going home in that respect could do you some good, as it helps with that urge/desire to get out.

I do agree with the Dr that it is best if the time at home is not too scary or upsetting for you though - and I understand that he is looking out for your well-fare, and so may be reluctant to let you go home if you are unsafe.

I think it is a good idea to ask him about the medicine, and maybe even voice your concern about the food. I doubt what the voices are telling you about the food is true, but I know me saying that may not necessarily help any.

Do you think you could also ask what the likely time-scale would be, so you know in advance; when you would be discharged, how long for, and when they would look to readmit you.

Sending many hugs your way.

Roiben x

[Steel Maiden]

I'm sorry to hear tht things aren't going well. I also understand your need to go home - I had the same. I hope that upping the doses will help. I'm sorry that I'm not much help.

[rara avis]

Thank you Roiben, you are very kind.
I will be going home for around 6 weeks I think and then in for 3.
He wants to leave the meds as they are to see iftheres any improvement, then next admission reassess if there has been no change.
I will see my Dr today and talk to him about my concerns. I was 12kilos lighter than I am at the beginning of the year so the weight too is bothering me. I suppose that is also contributing to my food intake.

Hey Olu, please dont ever apologize, you give me loads of support even while you are struggling so much yourself. Thank you and I hope you are doing ok.

[rara avis]

Sorry for posting so much..

I can't do anything, I did a tiny bit of drawing but then ended up staring at the walls again. I went to part of the afternoon group but the other patients were being rowdy and the voices were getting worse by the minute and i had to leave. It's like the ball of light just turns into darkness. So i didn't have to go to the rest of the groups today as the staff saw I wasn't managing well. I went and bought some stationary/art supplies yesterday which was good, I found some enjoyment in that which is rare. I'm seeing my Dr later tonight but the nursing staff have been playing phone tennis with his receptionist.
I feel like the floor is floating, the the surface of water again.
Don't look people in the eyes. I don't know who they truly are.

[Steel Maiden]

No need to be sorry. I understand how distressed you are. Can you try and absorb yourself in your drawing? It is hard I know. I am sad to hear that the meds are not helping and giving you those side-effects. I hope that the dr will be able to suggest or do something. Remember that if chlorpromazine and quetiapine don't work, there are other antipsychotics that could. Just don't lose hope. Hugs.

[rara avis]

Thanks Oly.
I'm trying really hard to keep my mind occupied but the voices and 'perceptual disturbances' are distracting me from my distractions.
I will keep trying.

[Steel Maiden]

You're welcome. Could you find a new distraction to take up your time? I find that some distractions can wear off in their efficacy after time.

[rara avis]

Since when i go home i will have lots of spare time and have nothing i want to do whehen i was out in the city with mum she picked up a catalogue and left it with me. I am having trouble finding anything at all that i enjoy and I wont be able to get out accompanied for a few days i was looking through the catalogue and it was a toy sale and i found some lego. And its the only thing i feel interested in. So One of the staff members is taking me on an outing today. To go into the city and get some Lego. So I'm feeling good about that. The voices were horrible last night and they are still unpleasant but not as bad as yesterday.

[Steel Maiden]

I'm glad that one of the staff member is taking you on an outing, that is really useful. Lego can be therapeutic. C and I built a lego mindstorms robot once.

I'm glad the voices are a bit better today.

[rara avis]

I got to sleep relatively early last night which was surprising. But it wasn't a restful I dreamt like crazy and woke up frequently.
I feel wrecked and the voices have already started up. They're telling methe Spies got to me last nigh through my dreams to try and get into my head.
I will listen closely today to try and find out. What has been done. They say there are spies in the hospital but they look like humans to the untrained eye, they have been infiltrated. I'm tired and agitated, can't sit still and can't focus.
I went out with the staff member and put up my shield. It was hard but I got my Lego and have started assembling it.

[rara avis]

A staff member took myself on an putting just to get coffee. The lady serving she was most definitely an Agent, not a spy, I think they've set the higher ups onto me. I mumbled my order to her, she locked eyes with me and I moved a little away from the counter and she said 'Sir' sternly and with intent and made me lock eyes with her then handed me a card. It had some rubbish about winning a coffee machine on it and a code. Another code.
I'm trying to build a shield around me an energy shield but it is tiring and I need privacy.

[rara avis]

Building up my energy shield is taking all of my energy. The voices are loud, derogatory and helpful, a paradox. And exhausting debilitating paradox.
A nurse was looking for me for my meds. ' I could find the Prime Minister before I found you' she said.
Prime: a state or time of greatest strength'
Minister: a person acting for another as agent and carrying out given orders or designs.
More messages. The Prime Minister! I didn't know how far up is went. They've bought in the big guns. If I kill myself this would all be over.

[rara avis]

Went for coffee by myself, after convincing unhelpful nurse i was fine. (i wasnt). where I planned to go was closed. So I went to another. I ordered a large takeaway triple shot latte. "do you want to pay now?" she locked my eyes. I handed her the money and she told me she would bring it out to me. I sat down outside. She's a was-human. A waiter (maybe a was-waiter) bought me my coffee large mug. There were two Others sitting at a table near by, neat casual drinking water with identical blackberries and one of them had a band they use for taking blood on the table they looked at me but avoided eye contact. I didn't want to drink my coffee, I wanted to vomit or run or both. But I sat and sculled my coffee. The possibly was-waiter said to me 'another of the same?' with this strange smile face. I shook my head. The two others looked over at me. They were trying to drug me with their fake coffee, take me away and draw my blood. I almost ran and almost tripped several times

[rara avis]

I really don't think I can do this. I think I have to die.
What if there is someone else, like me that they choose and will have this 'legacy'

[Steel Maiden]

I really think you need to tell your psych about this, perhaps print out the posts and show it to your psych? I am sorry to hear that you are struggling so much, and I know how scary it is, but please try and communicate to your team.

[rara avis]

I told my psych some things. I asked to be discharged and I'm going home tomorrow, he didn't think it was the best idea. I'm coming back in four weeks time. I went home for a bit today, the Agents have bugged the house. I don't want to stay here and I don't want to go

[Steel Maiden]

What did the psych say except no to discharge? Please try to keep going, I understand how scared you are but things will get better.

[rara avis]

I'm going hom sometime today. It's a voluntary hospital so he can't say no unless he certifies me. I know I'm getting closer to figuring out The Knowledge and Code. I can't be here for when that happens.

[rara avis]

I'm home. The voices are the same.

My Dr preached to me about him not 'buying into my delusions and hallucinations' but he told me to keep writing/scrawling whats going on. I'm feeling less able to trust him, intuitively.

Nothing different at home but a change of scenery. I don't feel any better. I don't feel anything about it really.

[Steel Maiden]

I'm really worried about you. What support do you have outside of hospital? Sorry I'm not much help but my blood pressure has crashed and I'm feeling ill.

[rara avis]

I'm sorry Oly. Please don't worry. I'm seeing my Dr again on Thursday. Other than that I have my mother who goes to work at 6am and gets home around 5-6. And Ryan who now has funding for a carer often and is going to some school with an aide.
Don't be sorry for thinking you aren't helping. I'm grateful for your response. Do you know what is up with your blood pressure? Can something be done to help?

[rara avis]

The voices are a constant. They don't stop. Sometimes talking to each other, at me, to me. Some very serious things are going to play out. I have to be ready.

[rara avis]

This is not new,
This is very old.
I have to do this. And I'll do it to the best of my ability, I vow it.
They told me what step this is but I don't know, I have forgotten. I can't believe I forgot.

[rara avis]

The Voices told me I shouldn't have left the hospital. So many contradictions.
They used my arms to cut me as punishment. I didn't mean to mess up, I'm trying really hard to do what I'm told, but I get confused. I messed up.
Mum felt the makeshift dressing on my arm when she was too close and said it had to be looked at. The voices said not now. I told her that. I said later because the voices didn't elaborate. They I got racy in my head.
I will get up as early as I need to to get to the clinic to get my arm checked.

[Steel Maiden]

I am so sorry to hear that you are so tormented. I advise you to write a letter about everything that's been happening to the dr as it is vital that he helps you more. Hugs. My blood pressure is ok now thanks, it just drops very low (like 60 over 35) sometimes for no reason whatsoever. How is your arm?

[rara avis]

I got a bunch of stitches, at the moment it's numb from anesthetic. My dr is trying to get me a bed somewhere.
Hugs
I'm glad your blood pressure is better now.

[rara avis]

Sore now. Think there's some muscle damage. Dr suggested a sling.
Spies are watching me through the vent, I'm trying to stay calm. Erratic breathing. I'm not doing anything wrong. Not looking at the vent.

[Steel Maiden]

I think you should ask for a medication review. I am sorry to hear that you're in so much pain. I know how you feel about Spies, but please try and remind yourself that it's not real. Hugs.

[rara avis]

Thanks Oly. I think I will. My mother is being really strict with me (can't close my door) cause of the harm which is making me unusually hostile. I know she wants me to be safe but i still feel hostile and irritated. And I feel less in control. Plus she's making me eat and watching (have been diagnosed with anorexia in the past) which makes everything worse.
I wish saying the Spies aren't real made them not real, or made me believe it.
I'm trying to use CBT but it's literally a constant battle both sides firing at once.

[Steel Maiden]

My mum was the same with me when I was younger and living with her. It isn't nice when parents do that, but she's doing it because she really doesn't want to see you destruct. Hugs.

I know it is hard to believe that the Spies aren't real (when I was in hospital not even my dad could convince me They aren't real). Sorry. Keep working with your psych, do not give up.

[rara avis]

Thanks Oly
I'm keeping a journal for whoever gets left with this curse/legacy if The Spies get to me. I have so much energy. Mother just gave me a PRN chlorpromazine.

[rara avis]

Got a Marvel Tshirt, shoes, gloves and socks, I found a book, on a table in a store, anxd it's filled with messages. Took me 2 valium, a clonazepam and and a lorazepam. But I did it.

[Steel Maiden]

Be careful about combining so many benzos. Well done for going out. What are the messages?

[rara avis]

You're right Oly.
I've done nothing today except be plagued by voices or complete lack of emotion, motivation, anything. The voices are getting louder at the minute I'm going to go to bed.
I have found out I'm being readmitted early next week.

I've ordered a book shelf and boxes and stuff that is arriving tomorrow. If I can open the door to the could-be spy to sign.

[rara avis]

**** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** ****
Breathe breathe breathe breathe breathe breathe
Crap crap crap crap crap crap **** **** **** **** **** **** **** f-ck
I don't know whether I can do this

[Steel Maiden]

Breathe slowly, deep breaths. When you get readmitted next week, tell the psych how serious things have been. There are other meds that you can go on and other therapies that you can try.

[rara avis]

I dont know how you do it Oly, I want to smash my head in to make this stop.
I'm trying to breathe but the voices distract my concentration on inhaling and exhaling.

[rara avis]

I will tell my Dr

[rara avis]

I'm being readmitted on Sunday afternoon.
The delivery people are coming in a half hour and the Voices are terrorizing me about it. I don't know if I can open the door
GO AWAY GIVE ME SOME PEACE PLEASE IM BEGGING YOU PLEASE STOP TORTURING ME!!!

[Steel Maiden]

When I was in hospital I felt like you did, desperate and screaming for it to stop. But the voices are not as bad (They're still there though) and I think the voices know that I'm in charge now. I really think your current medication is not working. Have you had any medical investigations into this, just to rule out a physical cause? I hope the readmission will help. Perhaps you could write a note to your psych about all of what's been going on?

[roiben]

Rara Avis,

Can you try to count as you breath? Breath in counting slowly to three, then breath out counting slowly to three. I often have to try and draw a line with my finger in the air as I do it as well so that that is the only thing I am focusing on.

This helps me slow down my breathing and calm the panic in my head at the time. May be worth a try?

Am thinking of you, and wish there was more I could do to help. Sending safe hugs your way.

~Roiben x

[rara avis]

Thanks Roiben.
They want me to do something big.

[Steel Maiden]

Roiben gives good advice. What is the big thing that they want you to do?

[roiben]

what is it that they want you to do, Rara?

*safe hugs*

Roiben x

[rara avis]

It doesn't matter now, not yet. I can't say. I'm going into hospital in 6 hours, I don't have the time. I don't want to go to hospital. I want to stay home.
I don know whether I can do this much longer. If it doesn't improve in 7 or 11 (those are special/spiritual numbers to meweeks I'm going to have to end it.
Thanks for the hugs Roiben Hugs

[rara avis]

I can't go on like this. I really can't.

[rara avis]

I'm back in. I feel no different. I feel nothing. Apathy. I am chain smoking and drinking coke zero, apparently for over 2 hours.
I don't want to do anything.
The voices are incessant. I don't know how to do this.

[rara avis]

I finished a Lego police truck. Just made it, the voices are killing myvhead. I want this to stop so badly

[Steel Maiden]

I'm sorry to hear you're going through a rough time. Can you talk to your psych about a meds change, if he agrees?

[rara avis]

I feel horrid. Horrid headache, eating makes me vomit because of what the Voices say.
I WANT THIS TO STOP, but I have Things to do, missions, there are plans for me.
What did she mean? I hate this, why does everything have to be hidden amongst layers and layers of ???? Words escape me. I'm going blank.

[rara avis]

I'm seeing my Dr at 8:30am tomorrow. Will talk to him.

[rara avis]

It's 8am. Im tired unrested and there are agents already, this early, all the time I'm being monitored, andd the voices are up and at em'

[rara avis]

Psych isn't going to change my meds anytime soon.
I'm torn. I want to complete my Tasks. But I just want to end it. I feel so very alone and yet I want to be alone. I don't know whether I can hold to the 7 or 11 week deal.
I'm mostly cogent now, but They are escalating,i can't do it. I really don't think I can do it at all.

[rara avis]

So alone and "tormented"

[Steel Maiden]

Well your psych doesn't seem like he wants to help. Unless of course he is waiting to see if the meds take a longer time to kick in.

You don't need to complete the Tasks.

[rara avis]

Thanks Oly. I'm sorry for being so self-centered. It's all consuming...

[Ami]

Hi

I'm feeling the same at the minute as you are. Im not in hospital though.

Im sorry you are going through this. Remember voices are just noise - nothing else. You can get through this. I have no other words, but you're not alone in the situation.

Hope things get a lot better for you soon. xxx

[rara avis]

Hi Amy, thanks for letting me know I'm not alone. I too hope things improve ASAP for you.

[roiben]

I am sorry things are so rough for you at the moment, Rara.

What did the Psych say the plan of action was when you were admitted? When are you next due to see them, it may be worth letting them know how things are right now and asking if the medication can be reviewed.

I wish there was more I could do to help, do know I am thinking of you and hoping things settle soon. Oly is right though, you do not have to go through with the Tasks, however-much They may insist on it.

*gentle cuddles*

Roiben x

[rara avis]

Thank you Roiben. Hugs.
I am probably seeing him today. When I saw him just after I was admitted he asked me what I wanted out of it, what our goals were and how long/duration of stay. I'm still booked to be admitted on the 15th, so (if i were "well" I could go home until then and come back (again).. But I'm having trouble knowing the answers to the questions.
I don't want to be here but my mother won't have me at home at the moment. She was sleeping on my floor, she was worried about me, that sucked.

[roiben]

Whether in hospital or not, what do you want, Rara? I would imagine you would like to feel a little more rested, and less threatened and taunted by them?

Can you think of the things you would like without the constraint of being on a ward. Then, look at what being on the ward can help you achieve or begin to achieve out of that?

I know ward stay can be more stable and secure, and I imagine it helps your Mum to know you are safe and being cared for.

Do you think you could discuss the medication option with them - so that, should they decide to change the meds they can do so under safe supervision.

I hope that you will find a time when you are feeling less rough and more able to be at home - I do think that right now, it is good that you have decided to stay in the ward. It sounds like it was a hard decision to make, and I understand how confusing it can all be.

I am rambling, so I will stop. Sorry. My head is very confused and muffled this evening...

Roiben x

[rara avis]

I always appreciate your replies Roiben.
I do want to feel more rested and feel safe from The Spies/creatures.
I don't really want anything. I think I want to want things. If that makes sense. I want to be able to draw and write again, I want to study, I want to hang out with my friends, spend quality time with my brother. But I want to want them. I want nothing, except to want. Then I want nothing. Apathetic. I don't know how to combat the apathy and lack of motivation. Except for just trying to 'do' things.
I will try and bring up the medication issue when I see him next.
You aren't rambling at all. Thank you

[roiben]

That makes sense to me, Rara. It sounds like you have lost the enjoyment you used to get from doing things, and the motivation to do them. These are both worthy things to bring up with the psych.

*safe hugs*

Roiben x

[rara avis]

I hope I get to see him today, I missed out yesterday though I am becoming suspicious of his motives. But nevertheless I will bring it up with him though I may have already mentioned it.
I'm struggling a lot today and it feels like it's only getting worse. It's 9:46am and the Voices and Spies are really bothering me, underststated.
Thank you Roiben

[rara avis]

I saw my Dr today. Showed him my journalling. He is going to change my meds just doesn't know what to yet.
Feel the same as yesterday. If not worse and much less productive

[Steel Maiden]

Sorry that I haven't posted. I hope that the meds change will help. What do you do when the voices start talking? Do you confront them or try to block them out, or both?

[rara avis]

No worries at all Oly.
I hope it helps too.
What do I do? It depends, sometimes I try blocking them out with music. Other times if I feel able music and another task:Lego, drawing etc. Other times I just get consumed.
Today I've fluctuated between handling things ok and really not handling things well. A bit all over the place. Voices constant.

[rara avis]

I think he will be putting me on aripiprazole. But he's concerned about the cost.
I'm feeling terrible at the moment. Voices are screaming. Spies everywhere.

[roiben]

I am glad to hear they are thinking of changing your meds, Rara. It does sound like you need something at the moment, and I am sorry the Voices are being so constant for you at the moment.

I do not know much about Aripiprazole, but it sounds like the Consultant is trying to weigh up what is best for you, versus financial constraints (which I understand many NHS side consultants have pressure on them for right now... goodness knows what they will put me on...).

Did he say when you would know, one way or the other?

*safe hugs*

Roiben x

[Steel Maiden]

I think that you should try the aripiprazole as it has a pretty different mechanism of action to chlorpromazine/quetiapine (chlorpromazine is a dopamine-2 antagonist and quetiapine is a serotonin-dopamine antagonist, whereas aripiprazole is a doapmine-2 partial agonist), and aripiprazole does good work on negative symptoms. Will he keep you on the chlorpromazine? As aripiprazole can cause activation and insomnia.

[rara avis]

Roiben, I'm most likely seeing him again today. He said he was going to check out meds/cost last night. So hopefully I will find out today when I see him. My mother has said for me to tell him cost isn't an issue. As I think she may pay for them.
*safe hugs* thank you

Oly, I'm glad to hear the mechanism is different, that gives me some hope. I'm not sure what he will do with the chlorpom yet, I may find out today.

I keep waking early-ish, 7 and I want to be able to sleep in at least a little sometimes. I have a good nurse this morning which is helpful and the nurse on night is fantastic, do today is good in that department. Voices wise they're increasing at the moment and I'm feeling the Spy creatures all over my right side. Tugging and pulling to the point of discomfort or pain. Like strings with hooks. Claws in my skin.

I'm on an open ward so I snuck out to get coffee and am enjoying it (one of the few things I still enjoy) now outside though it isnquite cool andnwindy. The elements nhelp a tiny bit to keep me grounded and not go 'far away' sometimes

[rara avis]

Today I have absolutely no motivation. I've done nothing. I feel almost immobilized.

[Ami]

Glad they are trying something new. I am on 30mg aripiprazole (with olanzapine) and apart from the intial few weeks of restlessness, I have no side effects now. Worth a try maybe?

Hope the voices calm down for you, andeven if you are feeling really unmotivated, just do something, even something small. Do you like doing art and stuff like that? I find writing everything down helps just to clear my head abit too. Have you ever had cbt or similar?

Take care x

[rara avis]

Thanks Ami
Worth a try.
I have had some CBT, will be getting more.
I've been doing little things, wash my face, shower when possible. I do like art and writing. I've been journalling to show my psych but can't write much, or creatively at the moment.

[Ami]

Thats good, keep it up.

I cant write good but i just write to clear my head, not for it to be read by other people. Hope the CBT helps. Do you know when you are changing meds?

[rara avis]

My psych is back tomorrow, so I suppose tomorrow or around there.
I'm battling at th moment. Trying to stay 'here'

[Ami]

Yeah, keep at it. hopefully you can change to aripiprazole soon, although it does take a bit longer than most to start to work apparently. Maybe talk to one of the nurses (about anything) just to keep 'here'. Do you get the feeling of moving between planets or different earths?

[rara avis]

I feel like, and have for quite some time, like I'm not from this planet/dimension. And thats part of the reason these futuristic Spies and Spy creatures are all over me.
A nurse took my stitches out today, took some time and angle my arm was at was uncomfortable. The Voices kept talking about using the stitch cutter to try to debug me.

[rara avis]

I hate feeling afraid, being scared, but I am. I have to keep one foot planted here and one there or else I will be lost one way or the other. I feel like I could die. My mother commented on the way I was walking when she came to visit, I was 'loping to the side' the right side. The side the creature Spies are wrenching at me. I want to smoke my cigarette but there are Spies in the smoking area, I'll get my energy shield up and do it. I think.

[roiben]

I know what you mean about not liking to feel afraid, Rara. I have the same thing. I also understand the feeling of not wanting to commit too much to one side or another (here or there) for fear of choosing the wrong one - I know I struggle with that one a lot...

I am sorry the psych has not changed your meds yet. Hopefully they will soon (I need to write to mine) and it will help you.

In the mean time, I agree with what others have said - Often, it is worth doing things even when you do not have the motivation, to make yourself is hard and I understand that, but on the other hand, being busy and doing something will make it easier to deal with the voices and to feel more confident in yourself. I write, draw, take photos and even just walk at times, because it is better than doing nothing - maybe putting together a time-table of things to do may help you to have a structure that you can work through even if the motivation is not there?

Thinking of you, and sorry to not have better words

Roiben x

[Steel Maiden]

I'm sorry to hear that you're still struggling. I really think you need the meds change. I understand that you're scared though. Are you on any PRN (take-when-needed) medications?

[Ami]

I feel like, and have for quite some time, like I'm not from this planet/dimension. And thats part of the reason these futuristic Spies and Spy creatures are all over me.


Im sorry you are having these thoughts. I have similar thoughts and know how unnerving and scary it can be. Sorry, no advice, but well done if you go for the cigarette. Spies shouldnt stop you living your life. x

[rara avis]

Roiben, thank you. I'm glad and sorry you understand. Thank you for your words. Today I'm going to push myself to do things. Really push. And hopefully my Dr will see me today and arrange the meds. A timetable is a good idea, I have a white board in with me. So I can use that.

Oly, you are right. And yes I can takenPRN clonazepam and PRN chlorprom on top of my Three Times Daily 100mg.

Thank you Ami

[rara avis]

Have just seen my Dr, and I am going onto ziprasidone/zeldox as of tonight. He called me "chronic" and isn't letting me go out. I might be allowed to have a coffee with my mother tonight.

[Ami]

Ive never been on Ziprsidone or even really heard of it being used in the UK really.

Hope it helps you. x

[Red Lotus.]

I'm afraid i don't have much experience with said medications or what you're unfortunatly going through right now. I just wanted to say that i've read your posts and i think that you're amazingly strong and i hope this new medication works for you, darling.

Hugs xx

[roiben]

Rara, I believe Zeldox is an atypical - all I have ever heard about it is that it makes some people restless... I know that is not much use. Glad they have changed it though and are taking you seriously.

Sorry to be lacking in words right now.

*safe hugs*

Roiben x

[Steel Maiden]

I have never taken ziprasidone but after my friend leaves I wull research it in my psychopharmacology textbook. I do know things about it, but I want to give you the stuff from the book to make sure. I hope it will help you. Chlorpromazine is a very sedating drug, is it helping you to sleep? I'm sorry to hear the psych is not letting you out, I know how frustrating that can be.

[rara avis]

Thanks Ami, I hope it helps too.

Miss kitty,
Thank you very much.

Roiben please don apologize :) I'm glad they have changed it too.

Oly, thank you. I don't want you to go to too much trouble but it would be be greatly appreciated. With the chlorprom, I don't find it very sedating anymore. I hope I will be allowed out over this weekend or else I'm going to get really stir crazy.

I just woke up and am still half asleep.

Thanks everyone for your replies.

[rara avis]

I'm sitting in what I think is a Spy-free smoking area, excluding those trying to get into my mind, latched on to my head, BLASTING tool on my headphones trying to get some semblance of peace from Them. I'm struggling but in actually want something (a coffee and stretching it, some Lego technic) but alas I'm not allowed out even with my mother. I want tomsmash the right sidebof my head REALLY hard against a wall to rid myselfmof the Spy creatures.

[Steel Maiden]

I posted quoted parts from my textbook on your ziprasidone post. It seems that ziprasidone is good for treatment-resistance and that its not overly sedating or inducing weight gain. Do you feel that you would like a sedating medication?

Please don't smash the right side of your head, it will give you concussion and a splitting headache at the very least.

I hope things will improve for you soon.

Blasting music can help though.

[rara avis]

The information was very helpful, thanks Oly.
I still feel terrible, the voices are REAL loud, telling- demanding I do horrible and bad things - so I'm still blasting music and trying to avoid human contact. I'm worried that my favorite nurse has been replaced or her mind penetrated by the Spies...

[Steel Maiden]

You're welcome. Can you talk to your favourite nurse about neutral things? Like the weather or music? Sometimes that helps me when I think someone is a Mindreader.

[rara avis]

It was good with my favorite nurse. We talked for over an hour. The Spies couldn't possibly get to her. I drew for an hour and a half, rapidly, like I had to get these symbols out as quickly and accurately as possible. I was exhausted, I drew 7 pages non-stop. I need some new art materials.
I'm going to try my hardest to get unaccompanied leave just for an hour to pick up some things. Today Voices and Spies have been moderate but are escalating so I'm using my strategies.

[rara avis]

Struggling. Bad bad bad

[Steel Maiden]

I'm glad you talked to your favourite nurse. But sorry to hear that you are struggling so much. Are you on the ziprasidone yet? What were the symbols like? Good idea to use your strategies.

[rara avis]

I've taken my third 40mg dose of ziprasidone.
The symbols were triangle with a circle around it (I drew it several times) and squiggly lines, one had a black box around it, another had crosshatches over it and a circle in the triangle. The nurses forgot to tell me I had an appt with my Dr so I missed it. Frustrating. The Voices were terrible last night and the spies everywhere.
I feel really strongly that I'm not from this planet and that I'm being attacked psychically because I'm a being with Knowledge Dark Entities and Creatures want. I want to go home.

[Steel Maiden]

I understand your frustration. I hope that the ziprasidone works soon. How did you feel when you drew the symbols?

[rara avis]

I'm struggling at the moment but I'm dying to go out and do something outside in the real world. F*ck the Spy creatures. And their Dark Energies and entities, and the voices I want to go out, even for an hour. I need some leave. I will bring it up with my Dr.
Just took PRN clonazepam to calm me down.

[rara avis]

It is very frustrating.
I felt like I must draw them, this huge need to get them down, I was speeding. Afterward I was exhausted but felt i had done something important.
Happened again today.

[rara avis]

I'm allowed out for an hour tomorrow. I think I'm excited. Still a bit apathetic.
Good to get out though.
At the moment I'm drowning the voices out (again/still) as they were particularly bad earlier and are still quite troublesome. It's taken me a little while to write this post.

[roiben]

Glad to hear you got a little bit of time out - I know what it is like to feel stuck inside.

I hope you get to speak to your Dr soon, and that they are helpfull

Sorry to be short on words.

Roiben x

[Steel Maiden]

That's really good that you can go out for an hour. What will you do? Please be safe though.

[rara avis]

I went out for just over an hour. I had to buy cigarettes and absolutely needed a decent coffee. It was pretty hard, twice I had to stop, sit and try and 'come back' the Spy creatures and Spies were dotted through the crowds.

Thank you Roiben. Please don't apologise. My Dr was helpful. He is raising my ziprasidone to 40mg in the morning and 40mg nocte. He is also going to be slowly decreasing my quietiapine and chlorprom. Still with the twice daily clonazepam and PRN clonazepam. I'm seeing him again in half an hour.

I've speed-drawn again. It's like these messages/symbols and images come to my head and it's almost life or death. I show them to my Dr and my favorite nurse.
At the moment I feel worn out, but the Spies are decreasing in intensity I think.

[rara avis]

I was so tired today, after what happened last night, which I haven't explained, that I actually napped for an hour, I haven't been able to nap in a very long time. I don't feel much better except a little less tired.

Last night The voices were speaking in tongues, and I could see The Spy Creatures surrounding me big and scary, a murky smoky apparition. They were closing in on me and i could feel them killing off my organs, rotting them. I was terrified and felt paralyzed though I was shaking physically and energetically. It lasted about 2 hours. I felt like i was dying physically and entirely. My favorite nurse helped me 'come back' into my body and got me (with a lot of persuasion) to look in the mirror and see myself. I looked and saw myself, but i looked shrivelled and i only glanced ever so briefly. She stayed with me for a while, sometimes asking questions, put a hand on my shoulder and finally the Spy Creatures got less intense and close and moved further away back to the dimension they came from and a couple of hours later I was able to sleep (with meds). It was terrifying.

[rara avis]

Ohno it's back they're all around me

[roiben]

Is the nurse there, Rara? Can you let her know what is happening for you.

I know it is not much help, but do try to remind yourself that they can not hurt you. I know it is scary and very challenging to remember that right now. The more you remind yourself of it, the easier it will be to deal with them.

Do you think you can challenge them, or do something to distract your focus from them and ground you a little?

Thinking of you.

Roiben x

[Steel Maiden]

Sometimes when I see people like that, I chuck something at Them, like a pillow or a stone, and it proves to me that They cannot harm me as the object goes right through Them. Perhaps you could try that?

[rara avis]

Thanks Roiben and Oly. The nurse was very helpful. It was a scary, hard and draining night, i didnt get to sleep until 3am.

I went home for a short period today (half an hour) and picked up a couple of things I'd wanted.

I don't want to throw things because real people have been infiltrated and are under control by the Spy Creatures. I'm not feeling very good today.

[Steel Maiden]

Ok sorry that my advice was not useful. I was inferring from own experience and it differs. How was it picking up some stuff from home? Are you on any prn medication to help you sleep (with exception that chlorpromazine is sedating)?

[rara avis]

No, don't be sorry, I just don't want to accidentally throw something at someone if I were mistaken. I wasn't home for very long, just had to do some household-y things, see the dogs and pick up some stuff. It was ok. I would've liked to just barricade myself in my room. I had so little motivation to do the things I needed to do. I had to push myself so hard and in so little time.
I can take imovane to sleep - zopiclone. Didn't help last night.

I'm now on 40mg ziprasidone in the morning with Pristiq, 150mg of quietiapine XR at 6pm, 100mg of chlorprom and 40mg ziprasidone nocte. With zopiclone as PRN to sleep and clonazepam as regular PRN

[roiben]

What is it that makes you think certain people are infiltrated, and is there a way you can test this, like a question to ask? I know how scary and frustrating it can be to feel people may have been infiltrated - I get this with the monsters I see when at my worst, so understand a little where you are coming from.

Sadly - I am not sure what the answer is.

For the zopiclone, I have found it works best if you have a little food with it, and can rest in a dark room while waiting for it to kick in (can take half hour). It tends to also be interupted by other things, such as low blood sugar in my case, and so not work when your body is sending other messages to keep you awake. It may be worth asking your Psych if you can have a higher dose of the zopiclone though, as that could well help?

Roiben x

[consequential]

Sorry i didnt see this thread,ignore the other question .hope youre better

[rara avis]

I just know the Spy Creatures are monitoring me I know it. The Voices are telling me but they either don't know or won't tell me who. I don't know how to test this with most people as the Spy creatures are from another dimension (not mine) and their power could be strong enough to fool me.

I haven't been eating much at all so perhaps that's partially why the zopiclone isn't working. I'm on 14.5mg.

[Steel Maiden]

Not eating much can make your fear and general mood worse, although I do know how hard it is to eat properly when you're under stress.

[rara avis]

You are right, not eating well does make things worse, I just have no appetite, or desire to eat, it makes me feel ill.
My favorite nurse is off for 5 or 6 days and I don't know what I'll do without her. Today I've been so tired out by the voices that I've literally fallen asleep fully dressed on top of my bedclothes. I'm very tired.

[Steel Maiden]

Sleeping is a good idea though. But sorry to hear that its the voices making you tired. Can you eat in small amounts, but say every couple of hours?

[Steel Maiden]

Rara, did you have a blood test when you got admitted? Just wondering as here in the UK it seems to be protocol (I think).

[rara avis]

No I didn't get a blood test, but 5 mins ago I had an ECG to check for QT prolongation. I am trying to eat.

[rara avis]

My Dr might be prescribing me resource which is like a meal in liquid form because I'm not eating enough.
I feel really agitated and tired, the voices are saying all sorts.
The ziprasidone (I think) made me SO tired today I could hardly stay awake and ended up collapsing into a nap twice. I feel quite alone at the moment.

[roiben]

Are there any other nurses on the ward you feel you can approach, Rara. I know your normal one is away, so it may be worth reaching out to someone else, even if only for a little while. This should help you feel slightly less alone.

I am sorry you are feeling so tired right now. Is it helping to get rest at all?
I agree with Oly that eating little and often may be best for you. It may also be worth talking to the Dr about the fact that eating is a problem for you at the moment.

Roiben x

[Steel Maiden]

I hope that the liquid meals will help. I know how hard it can be to eat when you're extremely stressed out though. I am confused as to why they didn't give you a blood test; I'm pretty sure that's standard practise when one gets admitted to a psych ward, especially the first time, just to check for medical conditions that could affect you.

[rara avis]

Roiben, there is another nurse I get on with, but he isn't as regular as my favorite. I will reach out when I need to though. I feel less tired today (so far) which is good, but the voices are bothering me.

Oly, I don't know why I didn't get one either, especially when they did an ECG. The ECG lady asked me to estimate my weight and she estimated it 10kg less than I said/guessed. I have had eating issues in the past. I feel reluctant to take a prescribed liquid meal. I do need protein though.

[Steel Maiden]

Perhaps you should ask for a blood test? Because some physical health problems can make mental health problems worse. Not saying that you have a physical problem, but its best to be careful.

I'm sorry to hear that you've been having eating problems. But think of how getting more energy into you will make you feel less weak.

[rara avis]

I might just.
I ate today and feel a bit better.
Right now I'm enjoying the irony of smoking right under a no smoking sign.
Today I went out with my grandparents, bought some books that I've wanted for some time but aren't able to read yet. Being out was difficult, hyper-alert, probably paranoid. I am both glad to be back (less stimulation) but also feeling quite constrained as one would in a psychiatric unit.
My Dr has been lowering my quetiapine which is good because I was on both the ziprasidone and quetiapine doses which was extremely sedating. Feeling less tired through the day but still difficult to get out of bed.

[rara avis]

Yesterday was a jumble. I went out, managed, came back, struggled with the voices, then was doing ok, tidied my room and showered, then the voices got really bad, then I felt really sick and headachy, voices still bad then went back to doing ok-ish. Exhausting.

I saw my Dr at 8am Today (way too early) and don't really remember what was said. I know he asked if I thought the voices were decreasing at all and I said I didn't think so. Afterward I went back to bed for 2 hours. Now I'm awake again with my headphones in and wondering what to do with my day aside from distracting from the Voices and their Words.

[roiben]

*safe cuddles*

I am sorry you found yesterday hard.

I remember when I was last on the ward, I did not remember anything about the morning ward round either. Do you think you could ask if you could see the Dr later in the day, so that you have more time to wake up from the sedatives?

Head is fuzzy (I have a cold) so sorry for not being of more use.

Roiben x

[Steel Maiden]

I hope that things will ease up for you soon. The ziprasidone may take time to work, but don't lose hope. I think you are a very strong person and I admire that.

[rara avis]

Roiben. I will let him know it's a difficult time. He has so many patients and is very busy though. I think he only does it when he has no choice. And no need to be sorry. I hope your cold goes away soon. *safe hugs* I could severely injure or maim to get a hug right now, thank you.

Thank you Oly.
I've got my fingers crossed. My Dr wants to keep me in another four weeks. That makes me feel terrible. And time goes so slowly here.

[rara avis]

I'm struggling... The voices..... What is true?

[Steel Maiden]

I completely understand how things go so slowly on the ward. Do you have a laptop? If you're allowed to bring it in, perhaps you could play games using a laptop. If not, I suggest playing some sort of games in your room. I had a Scrabble set and a Scrabble dictionary, one game could take up to 50 minutes, it was a great way to pass time.

[roiben]

*cuddles Rara* I am sorry you are struggling right now. I think always taking the Voices with a pinch of salt is probably a good idea. I try hard to do this with my own symptoms and keep reminding myself that it is psychosis and not real (I apparently have psychosis linked to Depression). Incredibly hard to do, and does not stop it being scary at all, but it helps me to refocus and ground myself at times.

I agree with Oly, games, cards and solitaire are all good distractions that help pass the time. I have always had a book or two with me when in wards as well, so it may be worth seeing if reading helps at all.

Wish I could help more.

Roiben x

[Cedrus]

How are the new meds going?

[rara avis]

Thanks Oly. Yeah I do have my laptop so I can watch DVDs and play games which sometimes helps. I went to a group today, my Dr wants me to go to one a day, if nothing but to break the day down a little.

Thanks Roiben, it is hard to do, but is good advice. Hugs. I've just started to be able to read a little again so books are great.

The ziprasidone hasn't caused any problems but also haven't seen any real change with them yet, so time will tell. Thanks pilot veteran.

[roiben]

Rara, I am glad you managed to go to group. How did you find it? I guess it will help to provide something to do during the day, and maybe even help you get to know some other people there, which may help.

I am sorry the medication does not seem to be helping yet. Is it like ADs in having a while before it starts to build up in the system and work.

Thinking of you and sending many hugs your way.

Roiben x

[rara avis]

Group was ok. The people were friendly and it was a small group, so that helped.

They've got a liquid meal supplement for me too. I'm supposed to have it three times a day but I've only been having it at night. It's hard to stomach at the moment.

The voices are bothering me quite a bit today. The meds do take time, up to a month to work. So we're almost there.

[Steel Maiden]

I'm glad to hear that the group helped a bit. A laptop is a useful thing (I used to connect it to my phone and go on the internet in my room a lot when I was in hospital). I understand its hard to drink the food supplements, but they will give you energy to help you recover. What hours do you normally sleep during? I hope the meds will help when they reach the therapeutic concentration in your body.

[rara avis]

Oly, yeah I have an Internet USB stick, so i have access to the Internet.
I have a dodgy sleep cycle at the moment. I don't usually get to sleep until after 1am then I could be up anywhere between 6am or today 11:30am.
My Dr thinks the meds are starting to work because I'm getting some of my concentration back, so that's a good sign. I don't know whether I mentioned that I am able to read a little bit now. Which is great since I usually love reading and have a stack of books waiting to be read.

I just went out to get coffee which was ok. Not too many people. I managed ok and the walk was good.

I'll be going home (discharge) on the fourth or fifth of September it's been decided. I'm looking forward to it, it seems so close and so far.

[inblack]

Its great to hear you've been feeling a little better. I struggle with reading too due to voices :( especially lately.

Hopefully your time in hospital will be of some help to you :)

[Steel Maiden]

That is good that things are improving. Reading is a good past-time and I hope it helps you recover more. Keep us updated.

[rara avis]

Thanks inblack.
Sorry to hear you're struggling with voices too.

Reading is great. I'm glad I'm getting some of my concentration back, I hope it starts to help with the voices soon.

I've been out today, bought some more books and DVDs. Was good to be out but again, the stimulation was difficult. Had my headphones in quite a bit.

[Steel Maiden]

I'm glad that your concentration is improving and that you went out today and that you enjoyed some of it.

Are you attending the groups or do you occupy yourself well?

[roiben]

Glad to hear you are able to start reading again. I am an avid reader and know how much it can help pass the time. I do also know how concentration issues can make it hard at time. Hopefully this is a sign that the meds are starting to help a little bit.

How are the groups going, are you still attending, and are they helpfull?

Has the food improved at all, or your tolerance of it?

*safe hugs*

Roiben x

[rara avis]

I'm an avid reader too. Losing the ability to read was horrible. I can still only read for short periods but it's better than nothing. I hope it's a sign the meds are beginning to work too.

I've only been to the one group, I might go to the art therapy group this afternoon but I'm not really feeling up to it.

My food intake hasn't really improved but I'm having the supplement at night (supposed to have it three times a day) and a nurse said I'm getting some colour back, so that is a good sign. I'm still tired and a little weak but better than I was I think.

Today so far I'm doing ok, the voices are bothering me but I'm challenging them as I've been told to do... I don't know whether it's helping or not but at least (this time) it isn't making them worse...

[Steel Maiden]

Art therapy can sometimes be really therapeutic (even though I just did colouring in for the whole time as I cannot draw). I'm glad you're recovering some energy, but do try to take the supplement drinks more often. The concentration will take time to come back. As for your mood, that might take time too, but if your mood doesn't improve then please talk to your psych. Atypical antipsychotics like ziprasidone usually do have some mood stabilising components (they also use them treatment for bipolar either as adjunct or monotherapy). When are you next seeing your psych?

[roiben]

I agree with Oly here, could you try having the supplement at an additional time in the day - to gradually increase it?

*safe hugs*

Roiben x

[rara avis]

I will be having the supplement at lunchtime today, my psych has gotten onto it too.
I am on desvenlafaxine for my mood as well as the ziprasidone. So that should cover that area.
I saw him last night and will probably see him again the same time tonight.
I got some more (an hour) unaccompanied leave so if after lunch it is still nice outside I will go for a walk. That should be nice.

I did quite a bit of reading yesterday which was good :)

Today I'm doing ok, although I threw up my coffee for no apparent reason, I was just sitting drinking it with a cigarette and then just knew I was going to be sick so excused myself to the bathroom then bam coffee gone. Wasn't nice. I hate being sick. Now I'm paranoid that I smell like vomit, I might have to shower if I can get motivated enough. I've never not been able to stomach coffee, strange.

The voices aren't too bad so far today, keeping them away with music and using my challenging.

[roiben]

*cuddles Rara*

I am glad they are increasing the supplement and that you have been able to read and challenge the voices. Getting out for a walk sounds positive as well. I hope it helps.

Not so good about the coffee. My body occasionally goes through a phase of not being able to stomach it, so I stick to Green tea for a few days and then go back to the coffee and find that helps. Not sure why, but a friend says it may be due to the body needing a break from it as it is hard to digest.

Wish I had better words right now, but my head is a bit muddled from lack of sleep (which is making my symptoms worsen).

Roiben x

[rara avis]

I think you're right, coffee isn't particularly healthy.

I was ok for the rest of the day, was able to have something to eat and have my supplement.

Going out for a walk was good. At the start the voices were a problem and I didn't know how far I'd get, but as I got going it was easier.

Your words are just fine, thanks Roiben. Sorry to hear you're having trouble with sleep and it's affecting your symptoms. I hope that resolves itself soon.

I went out for a little bit again today which was good too. The weather is going to be crappy for the next few days here which makes walking less appealing.
The voices were worse this morning but have eased off this afternoon/evening. Dealing with some paranoia at the moment

[Steel Maiden]

Rara, I can see improvement, and I believe that you will feel better soon. I am glad that the walk was good. Best to stay away from coffee, it can induce nausea at times. You are doing well. I hope that the voices and paranoia will lessen more soon.

[rara avis]

Thanks Oly. Ithink I can see improvement too, mostly in my management of the voices, most of the time I don't get as caught up in them.
The walk was very nice. It's raining already today so I don't know whether I'll be going out.
Feeling pretty paranoid at the moment, and the voices are bothering me, but I am coping.

[roiben]

I am glad to hear you are feeling more in control of the voices.

Could you maybe go out into a garden for a bit, if you need fresh air, or go for a very short walk just to get some movement into the day if it is needed? I understand rain not being appealing, I hate the rain, but I also know sometimes fresh air or a walk can help a lot.

Roiben x

[rara avis]

Thanks Roiben :)
It was ok this afternoon, I managed to get out for a little walk which was very nice.
The voices were really loud and demanding this morning, my strategies went out the window a little bit. So this afternoon I was really tired, I had to have a nap around midday. I'm feeling a bit better now.

Still not able to stomach much food, my Dr wants me to gain a certain amount of weight before I go home, so he's weighing me twice a week. I'm just so not hungry and eating makes me Ill. I'm trying to build up my intake but it's hard.

Tonight I'm going to see if I can do some reading, that would make me feel good. Then watch a DVD...

[roiben]

Hmm. Is it specific things that are making you ill? If it is all food/drink it may be worth discussing an anti-nausea tablet with your Dr/Psych - especially if it will help you eat.

Roiben x

[Steel Maiden]

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling with eating. I find that I can't eat foods with certain textures; they make me almost vomit, but I get round this by eating other foods that I can eat a little bit more. Perhaps you could find a food item that is nourishing and that you can stomach, and try and eat it? I find grapes and apples are good. I know you're not in the same situation with eating, but its worth a try.

As for the voices - I'm glad the medication seems to help. Remember that you will have times when things get really hard, but getting through them will make you stronger and more able to cope next time.

[rara avis]

Thanks Roiben,
I think it's more the amount than particular foods, I have to eat very small portions. Although yeah I think some foods are harder to stomach... I'll keep an eye on that.
My Dr has talked with me about mylanta which is an anti-nausea thing, but I cannot stand the chalky texture it makes me want to gag. So I know what you mean Oly.

I had a really hard night last night, voices were shocking and I got really caught up. I was physically shaking the voices and paranoia was so bad. I took 3 PRNs and finally got to sleep....

[Steel Maiden]

Nights are often harder than daytimes (I get bad paranoia when everyone in the house goes to sleep). I am glad you got to sleep in the end though. Can you get coated anti-sickness tablets so that you cannot taste them? I get the same problem - I take mebeverine for IBS and the old tablets were chalky and horrid, but then they changed brand at the pharmacy and now they are coated so I can't taste them.

[rara avis]

I could try that, thanks Oly.

Having a hard day today, got my headphones in, and as always I have my hat on (safety/security thing). Voices are not pleasant. I want to go for a walk, see if that will calm things.

It's frustrating (and a little terrifying) because I love night time. At home I'm always up at night because I love the darkness and the freedom when everyone is asleep. There wasn't any trigger either.
I think I'm getting sick too, my voice has changed to an even lower register and I've got a runny nose. I'm hoping it's just a 24 hour bug.

[inblack]

Sorry to hear you're having a hard day. Hopefully you did manage to go for a walk and maybe that will have helped.

I'm getting sick...or well now at this point I am sick, for me it makes the voices much worse. :(

[Steel Maiden]

I could try that, thanks Oly.

Having a hard day today, got my headphones in, and as always I have my hat on (safety/security thing). Voices are not pleasant. I want to go for a walk, see if that will calm things.

It's frustrating (and a little terrifying) because I love night time. At home I'm always up at night because I love the darkness and the freedom when everyone is asleep. There wasn't any trigger either.
I think I'm getting sick too, my voice has changed to an even lower register and I've got a runny nose. I'm hoping it's just a 24 hour bug.

It is really hard to swallow chalky pills, but I'm hoping they could make that adjustment for you.

Walking is a good way to calm things down, is the route that you walk scenic?

I find that when I go through a period of experiencing voices etc at night, I go to bed early and wake up at 5am. I find that its not as dark at that time (in the summer) so I don't get voices etc as much, but I still get the freedom as everyone else is asleep.

I hope that it is just a 24 hour bug as feeling sick is horrid.

[roiben]

No words right now, but am reading and sending hugs.

Roiben x

[rara avis]

Oly,
That's a good idea, going to sleep earlier. I don't know whether my body would allow that though, worth a try. I had another rough night, but managed without taking my PRNs, it may have been easier if I had though.
Yeah the area the hospital in has good scenic walking potential so that's helpful.
I'm feeling physically ok today so that's good.

Thanks Roiben :)

[roiben]

The hospital having a scenic walking area is nice. My local hospital is pretty close to an industrial estate... so the walk I imagine is less scenic and more concrete. Possibly why the only times I have ever been in wards, I have not really been allowed out.

Roiben x

[rara avis]

Sorry to hear there was nowhere pleasant for you to walk Roiben, sounds suffocating, and hospital in and of itself is suffocating enough.

I went out today with my grandparents and I am struggling, I wasn't able to use my headphones as I was supposed to be sociable... I don't know how well that worked. The voices are saying all sorts of thingsand really upsetting me, I've got my headphones in now and that is helping some but I think it's gotten a bit too far too help all that much. It's taken me quite a while to write this out, I may have to just blast my music until I collapse and sleep.

My meds have been upped, I'm on 40mg in the morning and 80mg at night, still no significant changes to the voices, I'll have to see how long I've been on them now, I would have expected them to start having an effect on the voices by now. The fact that they haven't makes me wonder all sorts of things, it's messing with my head.
They're screaming at me.
Last night they were taunting me, speaking in really creepy voices while I lay in the dark, I had to put my headphones in and I eventually fell asleep with my music.

[rara avis]

The spies are back, in the walls... I can hear clicking in my room
I don't think I can do this anymore... I'm tired and weak and... I don't understand. What's happening?

[roiben]

It sounds like you are tired, Rara. This always makes things worse in my experience. Can you let the nurses know about the spies, so that they can help you to stay grounded? Especially since you have just adjusted your meds.

Do try to remember that it is unlikely anything beyond an insect could fit in the walls. I know that is hard right now, but it is a logic that is proveable.

*safe hugs*

Roiben x

[Steel Maiden]

Rara, what is the time difference from the UK to yours? Sometimes staying up late or trying to stay awake when you're tired can make the voices worse. And so can feeling unwell.

I am sorry to hear that your grandparents weren't very understanding. Unfortunately some people can be like that.

I hope the increase in medication dose will help, but it will take time to kick in.

[rara avis]

Roiben,
I am tired, tired of it all. I've only spoken to them briefly, not about the spies, it doesn't feel safe and I don't want them to think I'm getting worse.
Something (don't feel comfortable talking about it) happened the other day and now the staff are sort of tip toeing around me. I feel very alone and I don't want to be in hospital anymore. I want to go home and barricade myself in my room.

Oly,
I'm in Australia, it's 1:25pm on Thursday our time and 4:25am yours.
I'm going to bed at a reasonable hour, just having trouble sleeping, or sleeping restfully. I also feel a little afraid going to sleep as I've had some nightmares like the Voices are getting into my dreams.
I put on a big front for my grandparents so I don't blame them. I don't know how they would respond if I had told them.
I feel like the meds won't work, I feel like no meds will work, they can't change my reality..

I went for a walk cause I was feeling bad and wanted to get out. I don't think it was a good idea, I feel worse for it.

Thank you both so much for your ongoing support and kind words, it means so much.

[roiben]

Rara, there is quite a big time difference, so this is bound to be making you feel more tired. I hope you are able to get some rest while there, as well as seeing people and places.

Do you think you could let your grandparents know that you are at least tired, so that they know that. It can't help that they do not know.

It sounds like it is worth talking to the nurses about what happened and letting them know that you feel worse while they are tiptoeing around you and would much prefer them to be how they were before. Know though, that you are free to talk about it here, if that would help any, as you wont be judged on anything.

*hugs*

Roiben x

[Steel Maiden]

So its -9 hours, wow, what a time difference.
I'm sorry to hear that things are not going well right now. I used to be scared to go to sleep when I was younger due to recurring nightmares, so I can understand. What sort of conditions (lights on/off, curtains open/closed etc) do you like to sleep in? I don't know if you can do this, but I leave my laptop on all night playing moderately quiet music in the background, so that when I wake up at night, I can hear The Prodigy (my favourite band!) playing, which relaxes me and helps me fall asleep again.
Don't be discouraged, its not easy to find the right meds but I believe that you will find the right combination with time. I have been changing meds with my psych a lot myself, and I do admit it is hard. But you will get there.

[rara avis]

Roiben,
I didn't sleep well last night and I was up at 8, it's 20 to 9 now, i usually sleep in longer. So I'm tired, I may go back to sleep if i can.
The voices were there the minute in I woke up so I'm worried they will build throughout the day.

I think I will have to let my grandparents know if I am struggling next time, I can't do that again. I just don't know how they will respond so that's anxiety provoking.

I spoke to my Dr about the staff, he is the head psych so he has a lot of power I suppose. Im seeing him again tonight. Though the staff have been better since I posted. So that's good.
*hugs*

Oly, I sleep in total darkness as that's conducive to my sleeping best, but I've had my (big) headphones on before I got to sleep then I take them off and let them play through the night which I can still hear.

Today doesn't feel like a good day, i've already got my headphones blaring. I think I'll try going back to sleep for an hour or so if the voices will let me.

Thanks guys

[rara avis]

I'm seeing my grandparents again tomorrow, I want to cancel because of how I'm feeling, but I won't. The voices are so loud and were telling me to hurt myself (first time in weeks), so I went out and got a piercing. I'm tired of all this, I don't understand, I'm jumbled and confused, I dont know what's real...
I'm hating this.

[rara avis]

I don't understand, I don't understand what is happening.
I don't have the stamina for this, or the brains to make sense of it.

[rara avis]

I am really struggling.
I didn't see my Dr today. Maybe tomorrow night.
The staff are really pushing me to have the supplement as I haven't eaten in two days. I don't want it, I don't want to eat, the thought of it makes me sick.
The voices are screeching, talking about Spies and demons.... I'm so tired.

[roiben]

Rara, I know you will not like me saying this, but not eating or having the suppliment will not be helping with how tired you are feeling. Nor will the lack of sleep. Do you think you could try to get some more rest, or do restful things?

Do you think cancelling with your grandparents may be wise right now? If you are struggling? So that you can focus on getting rest and working on the voices.

Roiben x

[rara avis]

Roiben,
I didn't cancel, I felt guilty, but it was only a couple of hours and on the whole, though it was hard, I managed. I used my headphones when things got too much. I also let them know I wasn't up to going to the other place they wanted to take me. I'm back now (have been a while) and have been hiding away in my room away from all stimulation, trying to be strong and not listen to the voices.
I know logically I need to eat and that not eating is making me more tired but I feel like it's the only thing in my life I can control at the moment and the voices are saying things about food... Sorry to be a pain.

[Steel Maiden]

I understand your tiredness though; when I get overloaded (too much noise, going to central London etc), I have to lock myself in a dimly lit room with music and be alone, otherwise I do somewhat lose it.

I agree with Roiben, restful activities are the best for now. I don't think the stress of seeing your grandparents helped.

Perhaps take a day of doing only restful things, even if it is just sleeping or listening to music.

But eating is important. I find that when I feel sick, I can still eat toast, perhaps you could try toast?

[rara avis]

Thanks Oly, tomorrow I will have a rest day. I'll (hopefully, he cancelled again today) be seeing him some time tomorrow, but other than that a walk and some quiet time is the plan.

A nurse just talked to me about setting up a sort of day plan for high and low stimulus activities so my days are a bit more balanced, while I didn't hear everything she said (voices) it seems like a good idea.

I might watch a movie tonight with one of the other patients, but really I just want to sleep for a long time. Or even better discharge and barricade myself in my room.