Dear Ana,
You are a liar! You promised that by focusing on you, things would be easier to cope with. That I would not have to face being rejected, hated, depressed - you even offered relief from the flashbacks. It’s all a ploy. You used those lies to trap me in your web until I had surrendered all control to you. All you gave me was headaches, leg cramps, stomach cramps and obsessive thoughts running through my head. That wasn’t an improvement. You have only made things worse for me.
You have begged me not to reach out for help, telling me that the problem isn’t bad enough. I don’t believe you. You have lied to me too many times before. So, as of today, the people in my life that can help will know the truth. You will not win this battle. You are the worthless one, not me.
I am tired of being your dog. I am not here to answer to your commands. I will not just lay down for you to control any more. I have a life that has more meaning to it than weight, BMI, BMR and caloric intake. I have a lot of exploration to do still to find a true purpose for my life and you have been holding me back.
Are you scared yet? No? You think this is just some moment of rebellion that will pass? Well consider this: I have a support system that knows, and it’s a support system that cares deeply about me. So from now on you will not be arguing with just me, you will be arguing with all of us. To make matters worse for you I consider God part of that support system. You might just want to give up now. If you still want to try, read on.

As of today I promise myself:

-I will eat no matter what the liar is telling me because I am worth it.
-I will ask for help
-I will not visit pro-ana sites any more
-I will only weigh myself once a week
-I will only exercise 5 days a week and do a normal amount
-I will not take any laxatives
-I will not purge
-I won’t listen to the lies
-If I make a mistake, it’s ok - I will just try again. No one is perfect
I am sick of having you control my life. I don’t want you any more. With these promises to myself, and the support of my friends and doctors, I will be fine. I will not miss you at all. I hope you are terrified at the thought of my rebellion. It’s time you’re scared instead of me. The next time I spend this much time thinking about you will be when I compose your obituary. Enjoy your painful death, worthless one!
Relishing in freedom,

Heidi