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Triggering (SI/Abuse) - I need HELP!!
I am so confused right now. I have had a problem with SI for many (10) years, I am considered a veteran. I have also had a problem with substance abuse, pills(percocet or anything I could get my hands on.) It all got so bad until about 4 years ago I was sent to an inpatient facility for 6 days, but my insurance wouldn't pay any of the bill so I was sent home. While growing up my father was a heavy drinker, and I swore because of the physical abuse I would NEVER be like him. I never fully quit my SI or the pills since my inpatient stay. I was diagnosed Bi-polar, borderline personality, and panic disorder, but never got the proper treatment because of my insurance. Here it is now 2009, in January I decided that I needed help, my pills and SI were no longer helping but to take the edge off for a short amount of time. Then I would feel like crap for what I had done and do it all over again. I was scared about what I might do. Inside my head everything just seems so loud, like people are screaming. I have these visuals of things and I cannot piece them together to figure out what they mean. So anyway, I started seeing a therapist in January and she has helped me a great deal, no more pills, and we got the SI down a lot, I haven't in 3 weeks. And we got me seeing a doctor to get me some meds. But things came crashing down last night. All day the sounds, noise, or whatever it is was so loud it was driving me crazy. I would cover my ears and it would get louder, I would close my eyes and all I saw were these images of **** I didn't understand. I couldn't take it, I went to someone I knew and asked them for some pills and they gave them up, reuctantly, but I got them. Then to make matters worse, I drank, yes the thing that I feared the most had happened, I had become my father and that was all I could think about. I just wanted to make the **** stop. I didn't know what to do when that happened, I was drunk and high all at the same time and didnt know how I was going to get home. I drove home anyway, and by the grace of God made it home no issues. I got home and the SI began. So here I am, feeling like the biggest pile of crap. I want to call my therapist but I am afraid of what will happpen, or what she'll say. I am ill, I have a headache, and all I want to do is sleep. I am so mad at myself for what I have done. So, even if I don't call my therapist today, do I tell her about it in 4 days when I see her. I was doing so well and now this, what a set back for both of us. I am worried that she will tell me that I am wasting her time and my money. Or that she will pawn me off on someone else, She cannot do her job if I don't do mine. I am so confused, now what. And then, I am scared that I will do all of this again, If I could just make everything in my head quiet. I think that I will be OK. I hope I will be OK. I just needed some outside insight, so if anyone can offer any advice. I just want to shout from the mountain tops, HELP!!!
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