Triggering (SI) - meeeeeh

[-Stewie-]

i feel so lost/trapped =[

i cant talk to anyone cos it will do more harm than good
i cant cut cos it will hurt people
i cant stay here cos its messing with my head
i cant go home cos it would mess with my head even more

things are a mess

uni has finished and i dont work (am looking though) so i have **** all to occupy me most of the time apart from the one friend and hes so much hard work seriously its like looking after a child all the time

the same friend is living with me next year. me him and my bf are moving into a student house with another friend who is in 2nd year so she already lives there. but shes found herself a bf so her head is in the clouds all the time- they've been going out 2 weeks and shes ditched everyone and shes ****ed off to wherever he lives to stay with him. even though we need her to sort out the house cos she knows the landlady. the forms have to be in before monday (no chance) and no one is working with me. well, correction, my bf is backing me up and helping and being amazing but i see him like a couple of afternoons a week so majority of the time im totally on my own dealing with a child and a dozy cow.

and im tired of it. its not my responsibility if they do the forms or not i can only deal with sorting out somewhere to live for myself. then my bf gets pissed off at me for not kicking them into gear when hes not around. he sees it as me not caring if it all ****s up. but i do care. i just have to sort my own life out its not my responsibility what they do and ive tried my best and theres just no getting anywhere with them =/ (as in my friends) what more can i do? take them prisoner until they've done what they need to do? like its my place to do that?

im too nice for my own good. i have such a **** opinion of myself and because of it i just do whatever will please anyone around me- like i have to repay them for giving me the time of day. i hate it but i cant seem to get out of it. i know its something that will only really go away when i get a better opinion of myself, and maybe stopping it will be something i can give myself credit for and feel good about. it just causes problems in that anyone can just walk all over me- especially when the two closest people you have are total opposites; sometimes it feels like im the rope in a tug of war or something. but it really is just a case of standing up for myself more; neither of them force me into anything or use me against the other and i am happy around both of them seperately but not together. its like whenever they clash the two opposite sides of my persona clash too and its really not nice.

i really dont see that much of my bf so when i do i like to be able to spend proper time with him, but im constantly being pushed into having my friend (the child) around too- simply because i spend all the rest of my time with him cos i dont have anyone else here and i feel a bit **** being like yeah ive got someone i prefer spending time with now so **** off. i know that isnt exactly a 'wrong' thing to feel; hes just a friend who ive known for like half a year? and my bf obviously i love and have more in common with and have been with for over double the amount of time ive known my friend. but still i feel like such a user at times. and even when i dont mind being around the two of them together i still feel tense most of the time in case they go off on one of their little bickers and im just stood there refusing to take a side cos i see them both as total idiots around each other at times.

then with not seeing much of my bf. yes it bothers me but i deal with it cos we're gna be living together soon so there is an end to this arrangement in sight. but even so... dont get me wrong im not considering ending it or anything i would never do that i love him too much and i know he loves me exactly the same. but a couple of afternoons a week and msn is not a relationship. i understand that he works but i see other couples around together all the time and know couples who both work and just go for a coffee/drink afterwards and it makes me feel like **** tbh because we cant do the same thing =/

and comparing it with the amount of time i spend with the child it upsets me. he (the child) is always there for me- he will come over at 5am to listen to me whine if need be. all i get from bf is a virtual hug on msn. i know if he lived on campus like my friend he would do the exact same thing but it doesnt erase the fact that he cant properly be there for me at the moment and that makes me feel so amazingly isolated the majority of the time.

im going home for a couple of weeks over the summer. i hate going home. i really do. its 2 hours away from everyone. the only thing that was getting me through it was knowing i would still see my bf- like we were gna visit over that time. but now he turns around and says he cant afford it. and tbh i cant afford it either. so now i have 2 weeks of total isolation unless i feel like spending money i dont have to come and visit him. how the hell am i going to cope with 2 weeks at home now? =/

sorry this has turned into a bit of a long-winded rant. i guess i have a lot of stuff built up. and i cant tell anyone cos i feel like all they'll do is shout at me =[

[wildly insane]

I think it's very admirable the way you don't dump your friend when your boyfriend is around. I'm sure he would understand if you told him you wanted an evening to yourself with you and your boyfriend. You know you were saying that you don't think you see your boyfriend enough to say it's a relationship, because of people that spend every day with theres? Don't forget all those people who only see their other halves at weekends, or every other weekends, or those in the forces that don't get to see them for months on end, and when people have other jobs that take them away. you know you love him and he loves you, and that when you are together you enjoy being with him, that is a relationship. And remember it's only short term you will be living with him soon :) The other thing is your 2 weeks at home, it may be a hard two weeks, but it is only two weeks, and however slowly each day takes, you just have to think of the end already being in sight.

I don't think your're a user, we all need friends and they need us, it works two ways and it sounds like your friend is there when you need him and he is there when he needs you. Friendships aren't about the time you've known them, you can make the strongest friendship in seconds just like love at first sight. I also agree that you can't let people walk all over you. They have to take responsibility for themselves and not expect you to do everything, it's not your job, I suggest telling them one more time and making it clear that you are not going to do anything else on the matter until they've done what they need to do. As for your bf saying you don't care if it goes wrong, tell him you can't lead other people's lives for them, you've done your best, and you can't do any more.

Take care and don't beat yourself up about stuff you have no control over, hugs, Hannah