help.... *trig everything*

bobbiwibble · 18-05-2009, 02:14 PM

I'm not really a veteran, I'm 19, but there's something I need to post about so I hope nobody minds.

Just before christmas I had a VERY messy miscarriage. The pregnancy was a result of rape but my boyfriend was very understanding and we agreed to raise the baby together - he even said if I wanted then I could lie to my parents and say it was his. It brought us much closer together because we had been rowing a lot - he is mildly aspergic and I have a lot of trouble opening up + severe anxiety so there have always been communication issues between us. When I lost the baby, everything went wrong. I overate for a few weeks and since then have been restricting and binging, hurting myself, thinking about suicide more than ever. I play with his (Patrick's) feelings and mess him around until he hits me. In January he pushed me over so hard that I broke my finger. He has had suicidal thoughts and seems to have developed very severe anger issues.

For the record, I know my response to anybody who suffers physical abuse from a girl/boyfriend is 'there is no excuse for violence. get out, get out now', but with Patrick it isn't like that. The rest of the time he cries and hugs me and does whatever I want, which in a way is worse. I know he is sorry, SO sorry. He has spoken to his GP about it and is on a waiting list for therapy, but it is a 5 month waiting list and he is scared of drugs after some bad experiences he has had in the past with fluoxetine (sp?)
I am on citalopram but more bad things keep happening so I don't know whether it's working.

Are miscarriages supposed to be this hard? Are they meant to destroy everything? I had only been pregnant for 2 months or so and I had only known for one month, and yet when the doctor told me I had lost it, I felt as though I had lost a part of myself that had always been there. Now I constantly either pray for my period or become completely convinced that I'm pregnant again every month, regardless of whether or not I've actually had sex.

I was always sure that Patrick and I would be friends for life, even if we broke up (we break up ALOT), but now I don't even know that. He is all that keeps me alive. I have relied on him and him alone for the last three years, barely talking to anybody else. He can make me laugh when I have been crying for hours, we can spend three days just sitting on a sofa together watching TV and eating popcorn and I'll still be interested in every single thing he has to say at the end of it - I couldn't do that with my mum!

I'm losing him, I'm driving him away and it's all because of Baby. I don't really know what I am asking for in this thread... Any advice, any similar experiences, maybe a bit of understanding or anything to make all this easier.. I have to stop tormenting him, I don't mean to, I don't realise I'm doing it and I think he's being totally unreasonable in getting upset and angry, until I look back and realise what I've done :( I'm a monster and I know it, but I don't know how to change

Sorry, very long post :/

Thanks..

Bobbie

shadow-light · 18-05-2009, 02:33 PM

miscarriages are hard... I've had 3, so now am extremely worried that I may never be able to take a baby to term... but anyway, back to you

have you spoken to a doctor or councillor 9etc) about the miscarriage? they d have therapy specifically for miscarriages, I've been offered it before but never took it...

Quote:

when the doctor told me I had lost it, I felt as though I had lost a part of myself that had always been there

I can relate to that... it sort of feels as if you've lost a part of yourself...

one thing you must remember though is this was no-ones fault, miscarriages just happen sometimes... no reason, and no-one caused it, you may be sub-consiously blaming yourself or someone else and this could be causing alot of these current issues... I know that 2 years ago when I had my second one (I wasn't even aware I was pregnant at the time) I blamed myself to the point where I felt that I didn't deserve support or to be liked as I was an awful person, so I started to drive everyone away... try to make people see me as I saw me and tried to get them to punish me...

I think you should probably consider speaking to someone about this

bobbiwibble · 22-05-2009, 12:37 PM

thanks honey.. I didnt realise you had gone through that too *hugs*

I am on a very very long waiting list for SA therapy, and the woman who is doing my evaluation mentioned PTSD-specific therapy. Hopefully that will cover miscarriages, because I'm already totally lost in all the terms and different people I'm being shunted between :'(

Just don't know what to do. I don't get out of bed most days, the day before yesterday I stayed in bed for 38 hours and just couldnt get out from under the duvet even though I needed the toilet.... :'(

~Kaytee~ · 22-05-2009, 01:06 PM

Ooooh *hugs* I havn't had a miscarriage, but I had an ectopic last year. They (losing a baby in any way) is always hard. Sometimes it tears apart couples, others it brings people together. Sorry to hear you lost it =[ I know it took me a good few months to get myself back on track (I had other things going on as well too :/)

I hope you can see someone soon. Waiting lists suck. And I'm sure miscarriages will be covered as well, I can't say for sure I'm no expert but I'm sure you won't be THAT restricted on what you can talk about? I mean, a miscarriage is a pretty traumatic event. You said it was messy as well. *hugs* Feel free to PM me anytime.