Triggering (SI/Suicide) - I have decided I just give up!
I have PTSD as a result of witnessing the death of my 3 month old daughter in July of 2007. I lost my health insurance after divorcing my husband of 7 years because of domestic violence and he attempted to choke my son to death in the spring of 2007. When I divorced my ex because of these issue I lost my health insurance and went without treatment for my PTSD for the past year. I got remarried and my husband put me on his health insurance so that I could finally get some treatment. This disorder as left me unable to leave my house, work or function normally at all. I just got a call from my doctors office that my new insurance will not pay for any treatment for my PTSD (as well as my long list of other medical problems I have had since before I lost insurance) until 4-11-2010. I can't go on like this for another year. I just give up on everything. I can't live with the daily hell for another year and since there is no way I can ever afford to pay to seek treatment I just don't even want to go on at all. I thought I finally saw a light at the end of the dark tunnel and that light is now gone. I just want this all to be over. How can America be the best country on earth when a mother of 3, including one child with autism, is left with no help, no hope and no options.
I was doing so good with not SI and part of that was that I felt so hopeful that I was going to get seen by a doctor on June 8th and now that hope is gone and all motivation I had to free myself from SI is now gone. I am so worn out from trying to do this day in and day out with no help and just have lost the desire to even try anymore. I just don't care about anything anymore. I just want to be free from the constant flashbacks and panick attacks. I give up.
Hiya, don't give up yet, you found that with hope you didn't SI. There is always hope, even the smallest speck hiding in the trash down a narrow alley. Have you spoken to your husband? Can he not get different insurance? Have they given you reason why they wont pay until 2010? and if it is the only option, I know it's hard but the positive side is that it is only a year and you've got yourself through one year already and with that goal in mind you can carry on fighting for another year, take it step by step, so you don't have to look at it in such a huge chunk. Does your husband support and understand? and whatever you think, no child is better off without his or her mother, they all need you. I hope you find the strength to carry on fighting, use RYL if it helps to rant and vent and cry, to get you through. take care, hugs, Hannah
"I am me and me is good enough if I would only be it openly"
I am so sorry for your loss and struggles. Hang in there and fight the good fight.....you mean everything to your precious children. May you find some resolution soon.
Hey.
Ok what I reckon you should do is hang in there for your babies sakes, I'm not gonna fill ya full of crap either though.
Ha America has the most ridiculous health system I've ever seen, makes me happy to be Irish...and that's saying something, our system sucks!
Right what you should do is go to the media and be all public about it, there is no way the insurance company is gonna want bad advertisement, especially with the economic disasters, I appreciate that you'd probably much rather not have your story pasted across several tbloids but it is a story that will sell, especially because your child is autistic, in a really sick way it just adds to the story which would be great for the papers...it's horrible but true
It also means that ya can sorta get your own back on the insurance company by the terrible advertisement, you can also draw attention to the medical system, I mean it is after all human rights, who is it that thinks they can take that away from people because they can't pay it's a disgrace and you m'friend have the perfect opportunity to start making a difference, it might not be a big difference in the beginning but you will certainly have backup on this one so I think you should give it a try...
Anytime ya wanna p.m feel free!
Thanks everyone for your replies. I did end up SI that day and was in the hospital for 15 stitches. I am now trying to take things one day at a time. Blue Cross/ Blue Shield is my insurance company and I hope if nothing else people who read this that these evil companies will take your premiums, we pay over $300 a month, and still provide you no care what so ever. They cover themselves by simply stating that it was a pre-existing condition. There is no other insurance plan my husband can enroll in and I can't afford insurance any other way because I am very low income. We can barely afford what we have to pay now. All insurance companies have the same pre-existing condition clause. I have called everywhere I can think of and the answers are all the same. I have no choice but to wait out the year. After a year my insurance company will begin to cover my pre-existing conditions. If I don't die from a stroke before then from my dangerously high blood pressure that they also won't pay to treat. Nor my serrious kidney and lung problems. They did say I could go in for a physical and if the doctor finds anything wrong with me that I have not been treated for in the past 5 years they will pay for that. They even told my husband that they had obtained my medical records and are making notes of everything, even minor things, that I have been treated for in the past 5 years and any doctors charges for anything I have been treated for in the past 5 years I will be left to pay out of pocket. I feel very violated that they can do this.
I am going to contact my local paper. There is a battle brewing right now in our government over health care and hopefully my local paper will see it news worthy to put a local, human face to the national issue. I am not the only person dealling with this issue. There have been many deaths in this country due to citizens being denied the care they need to save thier lives.
I am still feeling very hopeless and trapped. Another year of living like this seems like a prison term to me. I want my life back and am willing to do what ever work it takes to get there. I just want to see a therapist. It seems like such a simple request but for some people with mental illness it is just not obtainable.
My kids are the only thing that has kept me going this long and I guess I have no choice but to do it for them. I fight the urge to hurt or even kill myself everyday and will just keep fighting. I do know one thing for sure, the days of my silently enduring this compulsion are over. If I want to get better I have to be honest with myself and reach out to others who have been where I am. I just want my life back. I just want some peace in my life.
Hugs to everyone and thanks for reading all of this. I am so thankful that I found a place where people understand the very real struggle of SI!
Last edited by katytheprincess : 18-05-2009 at 02:19 PM.
