Triggering (SI/Suicide) - Can't Cope Anymore

[LukeyBear Says RAWR]

I cant cope with life anymore...

i was living with my mom until about a year ago after my parents seperated, i was cutting my wrists a few times a day and had about 10 suicide attempts, during that time, she was patronising, hateful and unloving, one day after one of our daily arguements it all got to much for me and i packed my bags and walked out, then when i'd walked onto my drive she shouted "your not leaving" i turned around to shout some abuse back but before i could she had run up to me and stabbed me twice in the stomach... i woke up in hospital with my dad by my side who i now live with, i stopped the self harming and suicide attempt almost as some as i went to live with him. My Life has been on an up from then on up until about 3 months ago, when i broke up with my girlfriend of 8 months because of her refusal to stop cutting herself...i told her i was a former cutter and i toke her razors away from her but she continued so i ended it, the night i broke up with her she attempted suicide, she phoned me up histerical screaming told me to meet her, i did because i knew something was wrong by her voice, i arrived to see her covered in blood with deep cuts all up her arms and blood all over her, i called the ambulance and she lost conscienceness just before they arrived, she survived luckily but i felt so guilty that i did that to her i started cutting myself again after over a year clean,we stayed friends despite what had happened but some of her "friends" didnt like that to much... one night i was out with em, this guy i thought i could trust wanted to show me something so i followed him to a private spot and he stabbed me in the upper leg and told me to stay away from her, i heeded his warning and avoided her and on top of this i had just fallen in love with one of my best friends, one night it all just got to much to take and i bought a gun and went to the park to end it all...but my ex came to stop me...(i shouldnt of hinted where i was going...) i was clean from suicidal thoughts and self harming till about a month ago when i had a particularly depressing day and then my nan had been rushed to hospital with a stroke and i am very close to her so i toke some of my dads blood thinners and slit my wrists and lay in the park waiting to die, but i had given my best friend a suicide note a few hours earlier confessing my love for her and she found me and made me go to the hospital...

i just needed to tell someone...i need some help on how to stop the self harm i dont want to live like this anymore, i'm tired of going out with friends and some of them look at my wrists and just bursting out into tears and hugging me.

sry about my essay-like story....

and sry i think i posted this in the wrong section but i didnt know where to post it

[wildly insane]

Hi there, sound like you've had a rather tough time. Have you been to see your doctor and asked for help? It sound like you have some lovely friends who care about you a lot. Did it help writing the post? keep talking, use distraction methods, if you've gone a year without harming think of what helped you get that far, if you don't know whether you can do it again, then ask for help. take care of yourself, hannah

[LukeyBear Says RAWR]

i was evaluated by the doctors in the hospital the 2nd time i was stabbed and they prescribed me some anti depressants, they worked for a time but they gave me extreme moods, i was either extremely suicidal in which my friends actually had to stay up with me all night to stop me from doing anything, or really happy and hyper where i'd joke and laugh about my suicide attempts...and was a right b*****d. i've been prescribed some hormone tablets now which the friend i fell in love with told me about who is helping me alot through this (but tbh isnt around enough to listen all the time), i cant remember the name of them though, i rarely keep my tablets in the pots but they keep me at a more balanced mood than the anti depressants did.

it did help a bit posting it, no one has ever known my whole story until now, i dont want to upset them knowing whats happened to me

and yeh my friends are really supportive, i mean the ones i have left, most of them helped for a while but then said i was attention seeking and just told me to piss off.....

and i dont feel i can go on anymore, i dont want to get better but the only thing that keeps me going is the love i have for my best friend and the promise she made to me if i got better and stop SIing

[wildly insane]

you cant do it for someone else though, you have to do it because you want to otherwise it's too hard. You know that there are people who care about you who would be devastated if you went, keep thinking of your friends and the moments, however small that made you smile.