Triggering (SI/ED) - I've returned.....arrghh!!! * possible everything trigger*
Hello to those of you who remember me and hello to those of you who don't. I joined up last year when going through a really rough time whislt my boyfriend was fighting in Afghanistan. I dissapeared under the floorboards in the virtual psych ward at the ned of august when I couldn't even cope with virtual life anymore.
I'm alive today becuase Eoghan (pronounced Ewan) came home safely at the end of October. Unfortunatley friends of ours recieved terrible injuries, others didn't survive. I have struggled with depression and my SI and ED even through the 'happy' times with Eoghan. In december it all became too much and I started cutting again, having suicidal thoughts and my bulimia reached new levels with laxative abuse. I sought out help for the first time. I've been to my GP, I've seen a psychiatrist. I had my first psychologists appointment on friday. I'm on 60mg of prozac and yet I still cry, I still hate myself, I still can't control my binging and purging, I even put a fag out on my leg which is a new one for me, I usually just cut. I'm such a **** up.
And so the reason I came back here? I can't cope with real life at the moment. I'm pulling away from the couple of friends that I have as I don't have anything left to give. I need people who really truely understand me. Even if you've no words of advice, just to know that people are listening and not judging me is a comfort.
I feel particulary bad at the moment as it was only recently that I told my parents of my SI etc, I'd kept it hidden from them for over 10years. So when I was having flashback dreams of when I was raped, it was the first time that I could phone my mum for comfort, even though it was 3.50am. We then arranged to meet for lunch. We were pushed for time, but my mum wanted to go round a few shops before we ate, she wanted to treat me to something, as if that was going to cheer me up.... Anyway we had lunch, we were then running late, so I tried to get her to walk to the car faster, she tripped, gathered momentum before hitting the ground with her face first. I had to phone an ambulance. It was horrid. She broke her nose, chipped a bone in her face, got 2cuts on her head and one on her nose and lip that needed to be glued. She also suffered from whiplash and a mild concussion. All that because I tried to make her hurry up. And we were late because my mum was trying to cheer me up. And if I hadn't phoned her after I'd stubbed a fag out on my leg, we never would have been out anyway! I feel so responsible and can't get the image of her covered in blood out of my mind and her groans of pain.
I told my psychologist this. I said the 1st time I phoned someone for help so that I didn't go crazy with cutting, I end up causing harm to them. So I've punished myself with new cuts to remind me not to ask for help again. She said that it was just a horrible coincidence that this happened, but I'm a spiritualist and we believe that everything happens for a reason. So lesson learnt. Do not stub fag out on leg and then phone mum. Do not ask for help if I may cause harm to others. That is why I labeled this as a possible trigger to everything as I couldn't bear to think that I bring anymmore pain and sufferring to people.
I'm not even to sure of the reason of me posting this. I guess I've just got things on my mind and thought that its better that I try and get them out this way. Thank goodness RYL didn't go anywhere whilst I dissapeared.
"All battles in life serve to teach us something, even the battles we lose"
"There are moments in life when the only possible option is to lose control"
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
Give yourself a chance, you haven't been seeing the psychologist for long, and ADs also need at least 3 months to settle down and even then you might be on the wrong dose. So sorry to hear about your mum, I'm sure she wouldn't want it to stop you from seeking her help though. I understand about coping with real life, and I hope your husband is supportive. Take care and feel free to PM me if you want a listening ear, hugs, Hannah
"I am me and me is good enough if I would only be it openly"
sweetie we are all here for you *hugs* please dont hurt yourself for something that is out of your control i did that for years and it dont make it any better and its not ur fault at all sweetie
im sure your mum has told you that as well your so brave for telling your mum i have been self harming for over 5years i have stopped for now but we will see but i could never tell her it would break her heart and she is going through so much.
i am the one here for other and i deal with my own stuff later im sure most of us on here are the same
im sorry things are so rough for you but im glad you posted
*offers hugs* Welcome Back; I wasn't on here before when you were here.. so it's nice to meet you.
Well done on getting yourself some support, with going to the GP, psychiatrist and psychologist. And for telling your mom. It is really crappy about what happened, but it's not your fault. Not in anyway. I too believe that things happen for a reason; however, that does not mean you are to blame. Please keep on reaching out for help. I don't know how long you've been on your meds but as others have said it takes a while for them to work. It took more than 6 months for the right dosage for me to be determined. Don't give up.
If you ever want to chat, feel free to pm me.
Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness.
Every act creates a ripple with no logical end. ~ Scott Adams
Thank you for your kind words and hugs. I was put back on prozac in April 2007 at 20mg - I'd been on it before about 3times and then the stupid dr's would take me off of it when I seemed ok, which was obviously down to the drug! Anyhoo my dosage was increased to 40mg in April 2008 when Eoghan went to Afghanistan. My dosage was then increased again to 60mg at the begining of February this year, so I was really hoping I'd have noticed a difference by now.
Anyhoo, I saw my GP this morning and they've prescribed me progesterone to help me with my PMDD and they're hoping it'll help overall as I'm always at my most 'insane' and at risk to myself the 10days before my period. Fingers crossed that helps, though she said it could take a few cycles before I notice the difference, so thank goodness I have RYL and you guys to help me through this time.
Thanks for the offers of PM's, I'll bear that in mind, but now I'm off to the virtual psych ward, I strangely feel safer in there.
"All battles in life serve to teach us something, even the battles we lose"
"There are moments in life when the only possible option is to lose control"
