So messed up.. *triggering, everything*

[moonlet]

I'm sorry... I guess I just want to get this off my chest. To somebody. But I don't know who.. which is why I love this place.

I feel like I'm so severely self-destructive. And I can't stop, and I don't want to stop.. Out of everything, the only thing I've stopped doing is cutting and that's only because there no place left on either of my arms, and the scars that are still there are red and puffy and I want them to go away. I can't deal with people seeing them in the summer. But other than that I feel like such a mess. I drink and smoke cannabis alone to cope with depression and anxiety. I'm scared about where my eating problems are going because they're getting worse. On top of all the medication I'm taking, now I'm taking diet pills and using laxatives. I KNOW it is dangerous and unhealthy, and that's why I'm scared, but despite my fear I can't stop... I feel sooo sick when I exorcise but I still can't stop.. I'm scared because I don't want to die. I don't want all the internal damage that comes with anorexia. I'm scared to death about the 'supposed' arrest of the person who raped me last Thanksgiving.. the investigation has drug on so long now that I just started to block everything out and now I can at least function again.. but if/when he's arrested I know it will all come back again! I'll have to go through every detail AGAIN, and it will start all over. And I know that the defense attorney will use my mental illness against me.. I don't know if I can deal with that.

I'm -$66.00 in my checking account, and I don't even know how that happened. It was probably the damn diet pills that cost so much but I'm so ****ing impulsive. I hate it!

I'm in this swirling vortex of destruction. I can't get out of it and I'm not even sure I want to.

I guess I'm just looking for support. I'm not sure why I'm even posting this..

[moonlet]

I'm sorry.. -_-

[~SuNsHiNe~]

dont apologise, thats what are all of you here on RYL are there for, to help and support you as best we can. im sorry to hear thats what youre going through atm, but please know that youre not alone. have you got a dr and/or therapist that you can speak to about this? keep talking to us, and stay safe *hugs*

[moonlet]

Thank you so much..
Yeah, I have both. But I don't tell either one of them these things because I'm afraid to. I don't want them to say I have a drinking problem... I don't want to tell them that I smoke.. and I DEFINITELY don't want anyone to know about my eating issues.

[Sigma]

what do you think would happen if you told them?

take care