Last time *Triggering/Possibly Graphic (SH)*

Will · 08-05-2009, 11:44 PM

Hi, this is my first post, I have read the labeling thread carefully but If I have labbeled it wrong it was an honest mistake and please tell me.

Last time I self harmed was on tuesday night, though it was only minor. Quite recently I have been feeling very down, since about easter, and then Felt very numb. I wasn't in a good place, I felt that my family thought I was having a great time at uni, which I have had, but recently I've felt down and I felt bad for putting on a facade for my family. My life has seemed to be quite empty and I couldn't really see a future at all, or why I was alive. I didn't have suicidal thought, but I felt things would be easier If I wasn't around anymore.

I felt even worse because 2 1/2 weeks ago I self harmed pretty badly, I cut myself over 100 time pretty deeply and I started drinking which then lead to me writing 'HATE' in big letters on my wall with my blood. It was spontaneous and I didn't even think of what I was writing. Afterwards I felt relieved and felt positive again and the day after I looked at my wounds and felt guilty, but I thought it would be a fresh beginning as I saw that I could do something with my future and I felt reborn. However, Over the last few months I have become socially withdrawn, spending my time in my room alone, drinking a lot. This is because I have been hurt alot by people who were supposed to be friends, and I find it easier to keep myself to myself.

I then was talking to someone and because they didn't text back or doesn't seem to show interest and the way I reacted to the situtation made me feel angry at myself. it wasn't an obvious reaction, but just how it made me feel, and I knew it was stupid to feel that way and sounds so sterotypical which made it worse and I self harmed again (on the tuesday). It wasn't because of the person at all, it was because of how I felt about How I reacted. This came as a huge blow to me as I thought I would seriously try to stop after last time.

And now I am confused all over again.

blondiebear · 09-05-2009, 05:27 AM

It sounds to me like you have clinical depression. That doesn't mean you are at fault, it is just an imbalance of the chemicals in the brain, ones that help nerves talk to each other.

Sometimes we do feel sensitive about things, and wonder if we are reacting the way we "should." Since you've already been withdrawing, it makes sense that you feel rejected by this.

I don't drink any more. Last time I did, my husband wrestled my tool out of my hands because i was going to make a major mess.

I have depression. I understand feeling rejected that way too. PM me if you want to talk more.

Susan

wildly insane · 09-05-2009, 09:51 AM

Hiya, don't be too hard on yourself, I'm sure a lot of people will be able to tell you that slip-ups occur when we are trying to stop and not to beat yourself up about it. However trying to stop without having looked at why you are cutting is a huge battle. Have you ever asked for help? I know it's easy to think that life would be easier without you but you're wrong. There are people that care and you have to think of them as well as you whilst fighting this battle. take care, Hannah

Animad · 09-05-2009, 03:33 PM

Being at uni can change how you feel as well as when you're there stresses of the course/ life/ missing people back home/ just individual things can still affect you, even if they may only seem minor to others.

The problem with withdrawing yourself is that you end up with only your own thoughts escalating which can cause things to be worse. What makes you think you may hurt others? It would be a good idea if you could try and spend more time socially with other people, to distract yourself if nothing else.

Also, talking to your family/ your uni tutor may really help. If nothing else they will be able to understand that all may not be amazing right now and it could be they have already guessed. That added bit of support may just help.

Has your uni got access to a counselling service? If so that may be worth looking into as they can help you to talk about your problems and try to get to the bottom of why you are feeling like you do which can help you with your personal battle with your emotions but also give you better understand of what may help you to feel better because everyone is different.