i want to be better *poss trig for all*

[farawayfairy]

Sorry this will probably be a bit of a rant but I need to get this out. Also, don't worry you're not going mad - this was posted earlier but I had to delete it. I kept the replies from the few people who replied though so thank you very much for them.

I can't cope. I'm breaking down and losing myself once again. So many things are wrong and I don't know where to start. After a very difficult session with my therapist/psychologist last week it now looks like I have PTSD as well as depression, anxiety and BPD. She said that's what she suspects, gave me a booklet thing to fill in and will talk about a diagnosis properly this week. I've filled it in and seem to recognise virtually every symptom. I hate labels. Don't I have enough 'wrong' with me already? Oh and this is on top of my dissociative problems that are getting worse and my eating problems that I don't talk about and the voices I hear when stressed (related to BPD and I have medication for them which helps).

I can't cope. My anxiety is sky high, my depression rock bottom, mood swings galore, huge self-harm and suicidal urges, flashbacks, dissociating several times a day, screaming head, disgusting binges, wanting desperately to stop eating altogether but knowing that will lead to more problems so trying not to - which just leads to more binges, stressed beyond belief with work and exams, can't cope with uni, can't cope with life.

I want to be well again. I'm fed up of being like this. I WANT to just be a moody hormonal teenager despite the fact I'm almost 20 now but both the professionals and to be honest myself, know that that isn't it. I am mentally ill and I hate it and I just want to get better. I want to cut my brain out and start anew. Either that or die so none of this is happening. I want all the bad to go away. I can't deal with this.

[trina1723]

Quote:

Originally Posted by farawayfairy

Also, don't worry you're not going mad - this was posted earlier but I had to delete it. I kept the replies from the few people who replied though so thank you very much for them.

i really did think i had one mad for a minute there!

xxx

[farawayfairy]

Have PM'ed you to explain :) sorry!

[guiltyinnocence]

i did reply when u posted earlier...i hope u got it
keep your chin up sweetie, you can get through this
xxxx

[farawayfairy]

Yes I did thank you guiltyinnocence.

I've just sent my psychologist/therapist an email. I told her I wasn't coping and what was going on for me at the moment. I really feel like I can't do this.

[guiltyinnocence]

im really glad you have managed to email your psychologist/therapist!
you can do this sweetie, you can get through all this crap. it is goona take time, but you can do it! and we're always here for you =)
keep on fighting sweetie
xxxx

[farawayfairy]

I got a phone call from my psychologist this morning in response to my email on Monday. She wanted me to go to the doctors today even though I'm seeing her tomorrow but I couldn't because revision and exams. She gave me the crisis team number and told me to phone them if I get how I was on Monday again but I don't think I will as the number isn't included in my contract. I also managed to tell her a bit about Monday night after I posted on here - I dissociated very badly, the worst I ever have and also drank quite a lot as well. I think she'll want me to talk more about that in our session tomorrow. I seem to have a day of appointments tomorrow - seeing my personal tutor about not being able to cope with work, doctors appointment and CBT.

[trina1723]

well done for managing to send her an email letting her know whats going on, that was brave and hopefully it will be helpful because she will know how to help you better
i hope all your appointments go ok tomorrow
x

[tamobhuuta]

gish good luck with all the appointments tomorrow. calling the crisis line if you need to would be a good idea. think of it as using the minutes you've saved from other calls that are on your contract! *hugs*