Ignore me

[Pegward]

I can't cope right now. With anything. I can feel it coming back and I don't know what to do. I know it's on its way. I just don't see a way out of this. Nothing seems worth doing. I hate being left on my own all day, stuck inside, staring at the same 4 walls, day in, day out. Yesterday was the first time I'd been out in 6 days. Ha. I didn't like it. I know I should get out more, but there's nowhere to go and I just get too stressed. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to now. It's not fully back, but I know that I should do something now, otherwise it will come back and it will be twice as hard to sort out. God. Depression is ****.

I hate myself at the moment. If I'm not doing something, if I'm not busy, I feel like crying. Everytime I look at Lucas I want to cry. He's so amazing and cute and he just doesn't deserve this. I know that I'm going to mess him up and I can't let it happen. But I can't talk to anyone about it, which is the only way out. Ugh. I just don't want to ruin him. **** sake.

I hate everything else too. Everybody annoys me. I can't stop searching for the bad in people. I get angry about things people do, things that lots of people do. I know I'm messed up when it comes to a certain subject, one I'm not going to go into. But I dunno. I find it disgusting. It makes me angry. I hate it and I think that anyone who does it is sick. And yeh. I know I'm the one with issues. I know I'm the ****ed up one. I don't know how I got to be this way, but I know that it's all my fault.

When I woke up this morning I didn't feel great. I didn't feel like doing baby talk with Lucas. But I went into his room and read him a book. And I told him that we were going to be happy today. Because it can be a choice. You can choose to be happy. So I decided I would be, that I would talk to him in a stupid voice, try and make him laugh and be how a baby needs a parent to be. It lasted a few hours. Then I flipped. He wouldn't play. Alone or with me. He wouldn't feed. So I got angry and put him in his cot. And left him to cry. I feel awful, but I can't be arsed with it. So now I am here. Writing and crying and talking online to my mum about random crap. And feeling like ****. Feeling like a failure. Like a **** mum.

****ing useless, horrible, selfish bitch.

[((deleted))]

Heya. It's okay to sometimes feel overwhelmed with being a mother, and it's okay to feel bored because you're having to devote all your time to caring for Lucas, and it's okay to feel frustrated.

It's really, really good that you managed to interact with him so completely for a few hours Ashleigh, even though you were feeling like crap yourself.

Is there any possibility of finding some playgroups/mother and baby groups in your area and seeing if you can take Lucas along to them for a couple of sessions a week? Maybe some structured activities outside the house would be good for both of you, as it will give you a chance to interact with other mums and maybe help you feel less alone?

Have you got anybody that you can call, like a CPN or Dr if you feel that you are going to relapse and need some additional help and support through this time?

Please don't hate yourself.

Take Care,
Ruth

[Living Dead Girl]

you arent a bad mother, you just need help, like Ruth said above, maybe a playgroup or a mother and baby group or something? apart from getting out and about you will be able to chat to other mums who will have inevitably felt overwhelmed with being a parent. its ok to ask for help, it doesnt make you a bad parent! stay safe and take care *hugs* xxx