Triggering (SI) - I thought I could beat it...but...
This is kind of a rant too... I feel like I have this monster inside of me, though I have created that monster by making the first cut...I thought that I could beat it, I went two weeks without doing it, and I thought that I had won, but I was wrong, very wrong. I havent beat it and it has come back twice as bad now. During thoes two weeks I was feeling okay but not okay. I buried all the stress so that I didnt have to feel the pain. Then something happened and I felt that familiar pressure. The pressure to cut. I fought it, I put up a really good fight but I couldnt do it. My defenses were to wore down. So I gave in. That was my worst mistake because now I am fighting the same old battle. And again, am losing. I feel as though thoes two weeks were a "fake" recovery, I was burying everything so that I felt nothing. Then I needed to feel, so I cut and I felt. Now I am falling down a hole and it feels like its bottomless. I will always be falling. But this time I dont have the strength to climb back out. I know that there is hope, there is always hope, but I cant see it right now. I am battling with a monster inside of me and I cannot beat it this time, I wore away every ounce of strength I had during thoes two weeks. I just feel like there is no help for me...
~Nikki~
"Give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"
"Don't judge me by the scars on my arms, instead help me to throw away the blade"
Oh, Nikki, I know exactly what you're talking about... I was there and I know how hard that is but you CAN fight it and you CAN beat it.
You talk about hope and really I think that's the key. If you don't believe in yourself, if you don't WANT to stop, you're not ready. Do you want to stop, really? Because if you're half-hearted, then you'll end up disappointing yourself. You can do it, but you have to really want it. It's hard, of course it's hard, because you need to be strong, constantly. When you feel like giving up, giving in, you need someone to help you, to drive you onwards, to remind you why it's important NOT to give in. Your family? Your friends? Do they understand what you're going through? Don't forget us here on RYL, because everyone here will be only to willing to help you stay strong because we believe in you. You stuck it out for two weeks, that's a hell of an achievement. Be proud of yourself, believe in yourself. You've done it before, you CAN do it again.
Did that ranting help? Because sometimes just letting it all out can be the best release. Letting out the stress in words is better for your recovery than letting it out in blood. Talk to your friends, your family, tell them how much it's hurting you, tell someone on RYL. Let it all out of you. Try writing down how you feel without censoring, without holding anything back, let it go. Crying's another great release. Watch a sad movie, read a sad book that WILL make you cry then just get everything out of you, release that knot inside, burst that bubble of stress. Of course it wont be as good as cutting, nothing is, but every day tat goes by without you cutting will make you more confident in yourself. Not at first, but it will, eventually. For the first few weeks, months, it'll be terrible but if you stick it out, if you believe, it will be worth it.
I know it doesn't feel like recovery at first, I really do. I know that you still have those thoughts, those feelings, but they'll fade, they'll become easier to ignore. Maybe they'll disappear one day, maybe they wont, but in two years, three, when you realize how far you've come, the new, safer, healthier place you've reached, you'll see what you've achieved. I don't think there can be a 'cure' for self harm. I don't think you can ever be totally free, if so, I haven't got there yet, but I do think you can return to a safer, healthier way of life without those urges so huge in your heart.
Best of luck, Nikki,
Love,
Naomi
xx
hope
is the bravest
most beautiful bird
in the sky
Thank-you so much. Yes I do want to stop, really bad. Yes the rant made me feel a little better =). I have someone to talk to but I dont know how to talk about my feelings, I can never do it sober, probably another reason why I have been drinking so much. And when it comes to crying, I have been doing that almost constantly now for the last two days...lol. I want to stop, or at least try but I dont know how to do it. I cant part with my tools, its like theyre sacred to me or something...
~Nikki~
"Give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"
"Don't judge me by the scars on my arms, instead help me to throw away the blade"
Christ, I know that feeling too... One day, though, you WILL part with them. One day you'll be able to hold them in your hands without feeling that urge. Don't worry about not being there yet coz this is a slow process. No one can recover overnight, but you can get there, step by step. Remember, stopping isn't just about being able to throw away your tools. My teacher (and councillor) said to me just before Christmas "the day when you can bounce in here and tell me you cut yourself will be a huge leap in the right direction". See, this sounds horribly contradictory, but the point is, you will become happy with yourself. Does cutting really make you happy? Of course not! It lowers your self-esteem which makes you cut even more. Then you just get back into the huge spiral leading down to utter misery. I like the idea of flying free from the spiral, rising up and away. But the moment that you cut again is the moment you get back on that spiral. The thing is NOT TO GET STARTED AGAIN. It's FATAL to say to yourself "just a little one". Don't make that mistake, be strong. The longer you're strong, the better you'll feel about yourself.
Self harm is said to be linked to problems with problems of communicating feelings so don't worry about that being spectacularly unusual! I can understand that too... I still can't say a phrase like "I feel angry" or "I feel sad" even though I've been having help for over a year! It's hard, of course it is, but there are ways through. Can you write about your feelings? Explain everything that's going on inside? It's wonderful that you have someone to talk to =D Any chance of writing about your feelings to them It's hard for anyone to really help you unless they understand what's going on. You can't talk about your feelings now but you will one day. I know it's hard when you've got such complicated feelings all mixed up but writing it all down may help order and untangle it all.
GOOD - keep crying, Nikki =D let it all out!
Bets of luck,
Naomi
xx
hope
is the bravest
most beautiful bird
in the sky
Thank you. You are very helpful =). Yes I can write all my feelings down but I am still scared to show it to him because I am scared that he might think less of me or reject me... I have always had trouble saying how I feel to someone, even crying in front of someone is hard for me. I hate crying...lol.
~Nikki~
"Give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"
"Don't judge me by the scars on my arms, instead help me to throw away the blade"
Ahhh, Nikki, you have no idea how good this is for me. I really REALLY want you to get better and I will do anything I can, I promise. So pm me anytime you want and anytime you're in Bristol, feel free to pop in :P lol
Anyway, take the risk! If you trust him, really trust him, he wont reject you. Is he a friend, teacher, doctor? Just think, if someone came to you saying those things, would you really turn them away? I know it's easy to feel disgusted with yourself but not everyone sees it like that. It might be a real breakthrough.
Keep going, Nikki,
xx
hope
is the bravest
most beautiful bird
in the sky
I just wanted to say that two weeks is really good. Everyone has to start somewhere, and even if it's just a day, it's something. That one day is one more day that you didn't cut. You have to try to always hold on to that strength and the hope that you can beat this, you can recover. You deserve to recover and be happy. I know that it can be extremely difficult to make yourself believe that, especially when you're struggling, but it's the truth.
That's good that you can write about it. I'm terrible at talking to people about my feelings. I have that same problem of not being able to put it into words. But when I write I do much better. I think you probably will too. Even if you don't feel comfortable showing anyone at first, just writing down what you're feeling can help release it a little so the feelings aren't so overwhelming.
I hope you feel better. You can always just PM me if you wanna talk. =]
All you wanna do is drag me down
All I wanna do is stamp you out
Thank you very much for replying =). Yes I do write quite a bit and it does help sometimes, although there is times when it does nothing. I am trying to be strong and hold on to the fact that I stopped for two weeks and I know that I could do it again but I don't have the strength right now to do it. I am so frusterated with myself...
~Nikki~
"Give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"
"Don't judge me by the scars on my arms, instead help me to throw away the blade"
That's ok too. It's ok to not always be strong and get frustrated and all that. It's normal. We all have our good days and bad days. And when you're having one of your bad days, well, that's what RYL is here for!
Take care.
All you wanna do is drag me down
All I wanna do is stamp you out
Thank you and yes I have been posting on here like mad...lol... I just dont know what to do, during that two weeks everything was okay. Then it all crashed down around me and I cant be strong anymore, but I am to scared to ask anyone with me for strength...I dont know how...
~Nikki~
"Give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"
"Don't judge me by the scars on my arms, instead help me to throw away the blade"
