Triggering (Sexual Abuse) - I cant do this. /suicide
I cant i cant o cant.
im so dirty.
dirty girls dont deserve love.
i shouldnt be writing this.
im so bad.
it still hurt.ss.
god im crying.
i should just accept this.
i will.
i cant ****ing do this.
i have been trying. **** i've been trying so hard.
and now.
i just want to die.
i just want it to be over.
*Cuddles* Oh Chels, I read the title and hoped you'd just replied to someone else.
You're not a dirty girl, at all. You DO deserve love. A lot of it. You're trying, and that's great, it won't always be this hard. You can move on. Really.
You're not bad and you DEFINITELY deserve love. 100%. You mean a whole lot to a special person, so just, you deserve it, ok? *More cuddles*
I mean **** all to anyone. I shouldn't. I don't deserve it. I **** EVERYTHING up. I cant talk. I cant physically talk. Not to the people tha tmean most to me. I dont want them to know how dirty i am. i dont want them to have to be confronted iwth this.
you mean more to me than anything in the world. that is why i cant talk. you have the ability to make me feel like the most special thing in teh world and half o f me HATES that.
the half of me that etlls me im bad. the half of me that's winning.
Your not bad.
You mean a lot to a lot of people.
You mean the world to someone people!!!
Your not dirty. Your not at fault!!
And no matter how much you blameyourself for it, it dosnt change the fact that it wasnt your fault!!!
You where a child!!! You had no choice!
It is hard to talk, but keep trying. Shutting off is no good.
Keep fighting it. Find ways to talk. Even if it has to be via email or something so that you cant delete it.
You know where I am.
Take care hunni.
your not bad at all petal. please try not to think that. i know how you feel (and i really do not just the clique "i know how you feel" sentance") i know it sucks and i know it hurts loads and loads but its not that way forever.
talk to me if you want. like PM me or something. im around if you need to get stuff out.
its not your fault hun,
and you do deserve love, you deserve love, greatness and happiness, you really do,
keep fighting hun, you can hold on, you can keep fighting
i wish i could come give you a hug, a real one, not an e-hug,
but know that im always here for you
love lora xxx
I scream for the sunlight, or a car to take me anywhere, just get me past this Dead and Eternal snow.
And if the perfect spring is waiting somewhere, just take me there, and lie to me and tell me it’s gonna be Alright.
- Conor Oberst
I just feel so disgusting. I'm normally quite an innuendo/sex jokes/flirty with the person i flirt with type person. And I just dont want any of it. But I want to be wanted.
It means that your not hiding it from yourself anymore hunni.
It is hard, but now you can begin to except things. Espc the fact that its not your fault!!
You deserve to be happy, make sure that you are.
Dont act at all, just be happy withyourself and who you are.
You dont need to put a front on. Espc with the person who your flirty with! Im sure they can see right through it anyway.
Take care hunni.
You know it's almost funny how we fight ourselves to convince ourselves we have control over what happens to us. In my case, I got angry with myself because if I got mad, that meant I could control it and chose not to. Unfortunately, that's not how it works. He's got you twisting, and you're convincing yourself it's your own fault. I think the first step is putting blame where it belongs -on him- and recognizing that what happened isn't something you can change. Is there some sort of sexual assault crisis center you can go to? It sounds like some of the things you're dealing with is stuff they can really help with. The one near me is free and the person there has really helped me take control of my life. I don't even talk entirely about sexual stuff (though sometimes it does come up), but the stuff she says about non-sexual stuff really helps when we're talking about sexual stuff and I want to believe she's wrong or she doesn't know me. Do you know what I mean? Also, the center has group meetings. Would talking to someone and joining a group help you feel less alone?
Not sure how much this helped, but I wish I knew what to say that would. *Hugs*
The trouble with killing yourself to punish someone is that at the end of the day, they're still alive and you're still dead.
