i've just learned that i've been incredibly abusive towards someone i very much care about and i'm making a statement here that those that have had concerns have had every right to have been making suggestions to her for her safety.
i've only just learned that some parts (D.I.D.) that i'm not aware of have been saying the most revolting and unpleasant things to her. in essence, i have become the very thing that i've hated and fought against most of my life.
i suppose this is kind of a confession. i am going to see my doctor tomorrow because being this liability for someone so vulnerable and such a good, wonderful person is absolutely unacceptable.
so. i'm mad. after everything i've tried to do for survivors. i'm mad and am now abusive to a survivor myself.
things just couldn't get much worse than this. please everyone that knows about this accept my sincere apologies for being such a vile sub-human.
I understand. It's sadly common in abuse survivors to have internalised that abuse and end up abusing self and/or others. It can be especially complicated when there are parts of the self that do it, parts you're not aware of.
The good thing is that you're getting aware now, and this can only be a good thing, as you can start the internal communication neccessary to help stabilise things inside and work through the anger and pain that is causing this.
what you've said is true for me. but this person is a living saint in every sense of the meaning and the last thing she needs is any further abuse. her friends are i think very angry with me and i can't blame them for wishing the worst for me. i hate it that i haven't got control of this toxic stuff. its just so un-me. i'm doing all i can about internal communication but its really hard and a lot of the stuff seems to break up when i'm trying to find out what's going on and more importantly, how i can get this whole anger/danger stuff worked through/resolved.
and suicide isnt an option because she really cares about me and i just cant do that to her. she's had enough of that crap through her life and from others who have played that manipulation card. right now i'm desperate to be with her but desperate to keep her safe. i've asked her to tie me up/immobilise me so i'm harmless but that's too triggering for her. i'm thinking of buying handcuffs and cuffing myself behind my back so i'm (its) easy to control. maybe my legs too.
i'm adjusting to accept that i'm a sick, evil twisted sh*t but i can't deal with putting her at risk. its an impossible situation. i just can't see a way through this immediately
hey, come on now what as we saying earlier eh?! your going to the doctor tomorrow arent you, they can help, tell them what you've told us and make sure u stay safe sweet pea!
pm after your appointment xx
take care xx
Last edited by smoochy_lou : 10-04-2008 at 10:04 PM.
Reason: bloody W button doesnt work
assessment on monday and hopefully they'll come up with plans, drugs, treatments etc., to stop me being a risk to others. God i even made some kind of nasty comment or threat or something to a really loving and gentle friend of hers and didn't have a clue what was happening.
I am so sorry to hear this. You obviously care very much for her. Stay strong, go to the appointments they give you, work out a treatment plan with them and stick to it. Then you can both have the truly nurturing, positive and loving relationship you both need and deserve. It will be difficult, but you can do it.
Best wishes x
thank you everyone. i want to do the right thing. i know i don't deserve to be near such a beautiful person and that's an undeniable truth. i want to make this work. i want to be as functional as possible. its such a crap deal not having control over my own brain and body. i never thought this would happen to me. insanity is no fun at all
well the psychiatrist was hopeless. she doesn't know the first thing about dissociation or complex trauma. i've been having loads of support from a psychologist who really knows her stuff. huge clarification about what's going on inside over the last few days, and a major breakthrough. feeling a lot more stable now and the scary stuff is no longer scary and i'm SO grateful for this amazing psychologist. i don't think i could have got through this without her.
thank you everyone for being supportive. i've learned i've got a gossip-fuelled hate campaign going on about me here. it hurts but prejudice and assumptions are natural and they've got just enough to make things difficult. woo-pee. i just dont get it when i've been open and honest about very personal and humiliating issues i get that kind of response. this is supposed to be a place of support and understanding. i just dont get it
*hugs*
I am glad that you have been getting such valuable and helpful support from your psychologist. Keep up the good work :)
I am sorry to hear that you have received far from helpful responses. I know that it is very difficult, but please try to ignore them and not let them hinder your good progress.
Those who understand dissociation and complex trauma are worth a lot. I'm glad you have a good psychologist and things are more stable now. I know how much difference that can make.
Chris, i dont know what has really happened and i no way hate you one bit. I think it would be best if you try and see someone else, try and get as much support as you can get. Have you thought about a hospital stay tomake your mood more stable?
i am glas you have someone there to talk to. how are things at the moment for you?
what have you found that helps you stop things like this happening?
i am sorry that i am not much help. I am here for you if you need to talk, my PM box is always open to you as you have been a great friend to me
*hugs* x
Last edited by Sans Peur : 19-04-2008 at 07:51 PM.
that does make sense. thank you. i've still got a lot of fear around things and i dont think i'll be going to meets as i just dont think i can cope with being picked on. this stuff is so heavy and i think ryl wasnt the best place to share it. i've been referred to another psychiatrist as the current one has said its out of her depth. it feels like they're interested in supporting me and that gives me hope.
wishing each one of you comfort and love (and thats not an empty gesture)
now i know some psychiatrists as friends. lovely people and not jobsworths. but mine is standard issue
now due to see the psychology team. head of dept apparently as she has a longer stick to poke me with
still struggling like hell. trying not to be a problem for others. think this a kind of vent/confessional thread
feel like i'm doing some really helpful stuff for some folks while for myself i think i'm just treading water
i don't get why i've come back here. think its others that need to be alongside me. roots i suppose. where my system opened up
this aint a fishing for compliments or comfort seeking thread. more an explanation to those that know me about what's going on for me outside of the horrendous gossip i keep hearing third hand about
trying to be a better person. really trying. alcohol makes this honest. couldnt give a toss about being ok. just want to 'do' ok. god i hate being a scumbag (again, not fishing for sympathy. just stating my reality)
i'm really trying tip
you are so important to me
i'm trying to honour all that you've gone through
for me and everyone else
just incredible that you keep doing things
i feel sick just thinking a five year old is taking the crap when things get rough
it tears me apart my poor sweet angel
just want to make things better for you
i hope you can read this
i love you tip
