i know this is kind of a rant but i want feedback.
im just a timebomb waiting to go off and im scared it will be before i do my exams. i love my course, i want to succeed. but i dont think i can make it thru the next two hours, let alone the next two weeks
i want to know whats wrong with me. im sick of worrying, being scared im schizophrenic, or being scared that theres nothing worng at all, that its all in my head.
sometime i wonder if i made it all up. the hallucinations, the emotional numbeness, the hate for myself. but wouldnt that be a problem in itself? this is what the meds are doing to me. they make me doubt myself. i hate it
i want to die. i used to have a detailed plan, but any plan will do now. the only reason im not dead already is cos im a chicken, if that makes sense. i cant even look at a blade anymore without worrying that i might really kill myself this time. so i dont cut. and im giving up smoking. so what does that leave me with to help cope. especially since i cant cry anymore.
someone give me a coping mechanism. i cant find one on my own and the doctors dont help.
im contemplating going off my meds entirely just to see if they come back. but they are coming back anyways. i wonder if it would be worse.
ack.
i just need to do my exams and then i can have this meltdown thats bound to happen. just give me two weeks of being like a normal person, or even just those three days, or just the hours that i need.
i wonder if they have a prn for hallucinations. one that will work for me. i wonder if any meds will work for me ever again or will i be stuck thinking im a kgb agent and seeing horrible things for the rest of my life.
i need a hug...
Coping mechanism. Hm. Hold on and see your dr asap would be my first piece of advice. They would be able to set your mind at rest diagnosis wise.
It sounds like you're going through lots of stress, and that's wound you up so tight, you're scared of cracking. Prolonged stress can do things to your mind. Especially when you're worried about succeeding, about your future, about who you are as a person, and what your life means...
Hallucinations, intense self-hatred, feeling emotionally numb... can come about as a result of stress. Especially if you're already prone to depression.
I can't diagnose you of course, but those symptoms are present in a number of diagnoses. I used to worry that I was schizophrenic, because that was my 'only vision' of severe distress/mental illness, and because, well, my father sometimes behaved like he was. But I have been assured by a number of different mental health professionals that I am not schizophrenic.
You say the doctors don't help. Have you tried all the doctors at your practice? Could you change surgeries? Have you ever had a full mental health assessment?
Some coping mechanisms that might help you right now are focusing on your breathing when your worries start to feel overwhelming. Also grounding, feeling your feet firmly on the floor.
Drawing and writing what is on your mind can also help release some of the internal pressure safely. Also dancing. Even to classical music. No one has to see.
Something that can also help is reality-checking. If you're not sure how someone sees you, or what is happening, ask someone you trust.
dear ktanaya....
You should know that you are not a chicken for being alive ,no dear on the contrary you are brave for posting how you feel you may not see that but it is true ,
I know exactly how you feel as i wonder the same ,did i make up all this self-hate ,hallucinations ,numbness or is it how i was born ? !
I At these times that i felt like this,i feared the times when nobody is home with me cause i caused so much damage to myself and tried to take my life a lot ,
This won't be worse if yourself busy ,stick with your pc ,study ,squeeze ice ,draw ,use a red pen draw on your body ,don't let it all in ,keep writing about how you feel on the forum if you want ,or in anywhere else ,we are help to help ,to show you the way ,sometimes we need help and we shouldn't be afraid to ask for it..
*hugs*
A little angel fell into my arms at the 7th of december 2010
Are you thinking about suicide?
Thinking about how, if killed yourself, nobody would care?
Think again.
If you kill yourself you will change somebodies world. That's right. They will see everything differently. Just hearing your name will burn their mind with memores. They wont be able to go near where you lived, even your town will hold memories. Listening to the radio they'll hear that song, remember,that song you sang with them once? They'll step past your locker every day and wonder why you are not there. Why are you not there??
Do you want to be responsible for your family members, the people who love you, crying every night? For your sisters or brothers losing part of who they are? Your suicide is going to effect most deeply those who care about you most. That's not right. One of your friends may break down, and just like you, their world will be dark. The pain you are in is awful, but why pass it on to hundreds of people around you, when you could try your hardest to work through it?
Your family will be paranoid. Suddenly everyone will be talking about them. Do you want to be known as 'the kid who killed themselves?' People you never knew will be crying when they hear what you've done. Yes, they will be effected. Everyone around you will stop and think ;; "was there something i could have done?" Suddenly the people of your world are dying with guilt. All those little hints you gave, they'll remember them. Oh yes, and it will torture them all the time.
Your friends will think of suicide. Your closest friends are likely to go into a depression like the one that claimed your life. How will they cope, without you? This will break them, for the rest of their lives. And lets not forget the people who will plan your funeral. Your closest friends and family picking out songs for you, photos of you. Crying all the night before, and all the day of your funeral. And all the night after. In fact, they will cry now more than you ever did. Could they have saved you?
They'll be angry. Oh yes. Why didn't you tell them? They loved you. And now it's too late. They'll be angry with you because they know, they know you could have gotten through it. Then they'll be angry with themselves because they may have been able to save you if only they knew.
And one day, one day years from now, they'll remember you. They will allshe'll remember you. The bus driver you saw every morning; he'll remember you. That little girl you sat with on the bus once, The kid you leant money to at the shop, all your siblings friends, the people that you dont see, but that see you everyday they will all remember you. And every single one of them will wonder; why?
But imagine your family.
You are part of them. Without you, something is missing. If you killed yourself then part of them dies too. They are incomplete. Every family gathering will be missing something. The photos on the wall are suddenly all cold reminders of what you did.
still remember you. The girl that sat up the front of your class;
Who goes through your bedroom? Who cleans out your locker? Who calls the school to tell them one of their students has died? .. Who tells the students? Who calls the funeral directors? Who arranges a coffin for you? Who calls your best friend to tell them you're dead??
Who finds you?
Please, there are other ways out. I know sometimes the struggle is very, very hard. But it's not worth giving up on life. Life is all we have, life is everything. Its the beautiful moments, and the sad ones. Please, don't give up on all those around you. You can make it through.
My teacher said this about her father, who commited suicide: "I understand that the pain is overwhelming, but I will never forgive him for the pain he has caused others. It was just selfish. If you kill yourself you spread the suffering among thousands of people, it doesn't only affect those around you but everyone who has ever come in contact with you."
Please, keep fighting. You can get through this and see that there is life after what you're facing now. It may be hard, but you'll get there, and when you do you will appreciate it so much more. I understand that most people know that suicide effects others, but please keep this in mind if you're ever feeling so low. Give people the chance to help you.
A little angel fell into my arms at the 7th of december 2010
im sorry things are so hard at the moment, but you have to believe me when i say things will get better. eventually everything will be ok, and you WILL be happy. i know its hard, but you have to find something to hold on to, like your exams for example, a goal to work towards, keep yourself busy and distracted. but not so busy that yo dont allow yourself to feel. its ok to feel sad, but you need to find a way to deal with these emotions without wanting to kill yourself. if you killed yourself there would be so many experiences in life that you would never have, it sounds silly, but when i finally came out of my depression i appreciated everything so much more, a nice sunny day, or a really clear sky at night when you can see the stars, and everything is still, feeling at complete peace, happy and content, if yoou died youd never get to feel these things. think about it darling,
with regards to the hallucinations i think you should speak to your doctor.
take care sweetie
xxx
ok new drama...
i think i am a hypochondriac... but thats besides the point...
i found a lump... about the size of a pea, in my armpit. its painful as all firetruck. my head wont stop think cancer... but i know its probably just an infected hair of something. no its not like a pimple. its not red, its sore and about 2 millmetres under my skin, about the size of the top of my pinkie or a pea.
im not thinking about suicide anymore... which is good. im just plain down tho. first i worry i have schizophrenia then this. am i a hypochondriac?
im gonna try get into see my doctor after monday. monday is too full at this point and i wont get in to see him anyways
how the hell am i gonna pass my exam monday with all this on my mind... havent even begun to study... but im working on that tomorrow and tonight maybe.
im just a mess... and i am scared of cracking at the moment, which makes things worse... and there is nothing i can do about it except have a brain transplant.
this really sucks.
take care all and sorry for ressurecting this thread. i just didnt want to make a new one.
I think you have every reason to be worried - I think we all would be. It is probably nothing, but I would get it checked out asap so you know and you can put your mind at rest. You have enough on your plate without having that too!
thanks guys... illl let you know how its goes. cant book in till tomorrow and i probably wont get in for a couple of days. doctors here are so busy.
thanks again, i feel a little better.
thanks guys. its not cancer they dont think, a blocked sebaceous gland or ingrown hair. or both, theres actually two lumps. on the schizophrenia front i have no news except ive just started risperdal instead of abilify and have a referal for a second opinion. just hopng it will work
