Triggering (SI/Suicide) - you know its going too well when...(graphic) UPDATE LAST POST
your doc is helping so much for a referral to a new psych,
your local drug and addiction team has a counsellor for you after te most relaxing intake interview than ever,
you begin to think 'hey, maybe what theses ppl say is maybe,just maybe right'...thatb you arent as wretched as you seem
then you feel maybe you CAN do this after all...
but no..
the urge, the ****ing urge hits at the worst time, booze, everyone asleep, so wht not...you were ssoooo close last time..but suddenly close is failure...cant even do this right.
cant even slash a few veins and tendons further up your wrist
god....the blood flowing, the warmth
then it hits..i dont wat to die not actually die..
crawl down the staris cos you can no longer walk
find out you cant crawl either.
on the front door step, trying to get to end of driveway
but somethings funny..
wheres my left arm?
i know it must be there...but i cant find uit..thank god i took phone with me outside [dont know why] but if i hadnt i would have been first thing hubby saw on front steps..police call me as they traced it, and finally they see me...
they fireman, police and paramedics have to help to turn me...still nonarm
dont remember ride to er..or operation after..the doc came in and i asked, 'so are we doing it today'? he jut laughs, says we did it tyesterday.
somehow when i slid down te wall to gall on the front steps i broke my l shoukder and just for fun , a few compound fractures too..
was in er for 2 days then 3[? 4?] days later they i can go...
had a drip that i could use every 8 minutes ofb morphine, when it was lit green readyb to go...lost days...
the er still dont know how i managed to hit so hard....but they see skuinny arms and start askuing questions, then start bloodworf...my potassium was incredibly low, my bp at one time sunk to 64. i was hooked to every fuxcking needle they had...28 staples , plus assorted pins and plates...oh and 15 stitches across the wrist...
know what? i have never really broken anything big like this..it even hurts to bloody move, to raise my right arm...and a aterbed isNOT recommended
i d put up a pic of the nonm-si wound, my shoulder but may be too triggwering me thinks
I'm so sorry to hear what happened. Broken bones hurt sooooo much. (I had one in 2002 sprained my ankle so bad falling down the stairs that it broke the outside bone too. I landed at the bottom sitting on that foot and it was a spiral fracture, about three inches long.) All I could do for the first several days is lay in bed hoping that the bone was healing.
Let's see, I have arthritis in that bone and we have a series of storms coming through. I like to hike and scramble up rocks and I can no longer trust that ankle. For me, that day was the beginning of middle age and I was only 36.
Please don't be mad at me but last weekend we went out to Mojave National Preserve. We hiked about 1/4 mile to see a lava tube and even though it was a trail my footing was uncertain. Then I'm so fat that I couldn't get on the ladder to get down into the tube.
So yeah, I understand how it hurts to move. And that your mobility is seriously limited.
You will heal. Let your family and friends take care of you. The love will help as much as the time to heal will.
Pardon such a long post. Just wanted to know that I DO understand.
*Blows a kiss at you so you will feel better. Squeezes your good hand instead of a hug* love, Susan
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
Quote:
Originally Posted by romperfry
then it hits..i dont wat to die not actually die..
THAT IS WHAT YOU NEED TO REMEMBER AND FOCUS ON
yes, you had a horrid fall and broke your arm, which sounds awful and i am so sorry honey, but please try and focus on the GOOD AND AMAZING thing that happened
you were all ready, you could have done it and gone, BUT YOU WANTED TO LIVE AND YOU DID WHAT YOU NEEDED TO TO SAVE YOURSELF AND I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
know what, it's kind of REALLY sucky that you had to have this awful injury, but maybe this is a big turning point for you? you still have those great docs on your side who want to help, that is still for real
be good honey look after yourself and keep us updated please!
xxxooo
Irene is right.
i read "no arm"...but i was thinking maybe it was that you couldnt feel your arm?
christ jesus romp.....did you lose your left arm?
im sorry to be so blunt...but now im scared for you.
update if and when you feel up to it.
love you girl.
xxxxxxxxxxx
know what, it's kind of REALLY sucky that you had to have this awful injury, but maybe this is a big turning point for you?
I've read your posts and it seems you were doing so well with it all. I'm so sorry. I know what a bitch broken bones are. But maybe this is "hitting rock bottom" as it were, and from now on it can only get better?
I wish you a speedy recovery.
Much love xxx
*gives you a big, if somewhat careful, hug*
If the only true wisdom lies in knowing that you know nothing, then I must be a f***ing genius
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
wait wait wait wait wait
i just read what irene and rach posted and i had somehow missed that so ummmmm yeah really sorry if my last post seemed callous or cavalier but romp honey are you really okay? tell us the truth
have you had an amputation? are you going to recover? did they find the arm?
please let us know we care and we are really worried for you love
but you know i hear that they have made some amazing medical achievements and lots of advancements in the field so you have a great opportunity for recovery
look after yourself and take care darling
this definitely entitles you to some spoiling
i hope you are being duly waited on and that you are having lots of ice cream and treats and thigs
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
just popping in to say hello and that i hope you are feeling better
by the way, since the waterbed isn't good, can you maybe stay in a guestbed or something else? i can imagine that the water wouldn't be great because it isn't that supportive and every move you made it would shift and upset your shoulders and upper body
maybe at least if you got a mattress topper for the airbed that would be a little bit stiffer?
oh god..im so sorry i worded it wrong...i had done nerve damage from cutting the tendon, plus they say the limb goes into shock...it fely like 100 lbs...im scared because there has been dealings with amputation, and the thought are still there...ive held the amputation idea on since i wa a teen ,[20 some odd years]. either the hatchet, the skill saw or the band saw.one swipe...done...i fell it is inevitible,not trying to worry anyone, i cringe a i write that cos i know how it is to read something the like from one of you my dear friends.
anyways...today was happy [im so happy, im gonna put it in gen too lol.
my daughter as you know tried for canadian idol and made it a little ways , going back next year. well her school put one on....and the poor l;ove has a sore throat ;o(but i didint sleep for more than an hour and sl;lept till time to go..flew out of the house, and startd runnning, too fixated on my promise to an ho heartbroken to let being out get me..i tried hitch hiking, undercover cop wagged his finger at ma at i smiled the kis ass smile
thought for sure i woud a miss here as she was first but for whatever reason they reversed o sh was nexxt to lasy WWWOOO HHHOOOO!!!!!
so i gt videpo of her na her her best frined...poor kid tho [mine] voice broke on the on stretch as her throaty is so sore...but sh plowed hru it
o sorry to have scared pplit was shok and nerve damager it relly quite sred me...do you know? i THOUGHT i had utr=t it off at one point...i couldSEE me doing it
so sorry to worry
but good comes still...it came today never mind iv had to take 3 painkillers form runnuing and the pain ion my arm made me throw up on the road ....nniiiccceee
I MADE IT
thank you so much you much guys so very very much...
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
oh that's so cute how you flew down there against all odds to see your baby sing!! you're a very good mom, romp
i think it says something that you have these old urges, and that while you were si'ing you could visualise it, but you still fought back against it and resisted the urge! good for you :)
i am SO glad to hear that you are okay and doing better. have a nice relaxing day tomorrow after your outing, and keep us updated on your daughter. i hope she wins!
thank god romp.
i was so worried.
i know all about nerve damage though. i still cant feel half of my left arm as i also severed a tendon. sorry to hear you did too.
much love girl.
xxxxxxxxxxxx
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
yay for crying!!!!! it really is important, isnt it? i kind of think of being able to cry as being a sign of good mental health, as odd as that may seem
whenever i am like wicked depressed, NOTHING makes me cry (even Titanic and that usually always gets me going)
irene is right - you need to take it easy for a while and rest up
have you found something to sleep on other than the waterbed? it's important that you are able to get a good night's sleep romp!
thanks love...many hugs :o)
actually i have found the bed to be ok now...ior rather the lovely oxycontin?- codone makes it like a clouid lol
happy happy lol lol
romp
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
ohhh yes i know the oxy well - i get them mixed up but one is percocet and one is vicodin and they are pretty much the same
take care with them though as they are all very addictive. when i had a broken ankle i tried to take an ibuprofin a few hours after the oxy to stretch them and also to keep less in my system but obviously check with your doc
Take care honey,
Thinking of you
*holds tight*
Love Lora xxx
I scream for the sunlight, or a car to take me anywhere, just get me past this Dead and Eternal snow.
And if the perfect spring is waiting somewhere, just take me there, and lie to me and tell me it’s gonna be Alright.
- Conor Oberst
