Triggering (SI) - hm *updated with panicky cry for help*
this is kinda hard for me to do. mainly because i 95% believe i dont deserve anyones time or attention, but, thats what this forum is here for right? support?
im having a few difficulties with things right now. things in my mind, things in my life. i feel incredibly sad and detached from the people i care about. im having a really really hard time believing that the people i love arent going to hurt, betray or abandon me. a really hard time. so much that i just want to lock myself away and cut all contact forever. who would miss me, really? very few.
i feel very uneasy with who i am. my personality, appearence, preferences, i feel like, they are very very wrong. that i am overall, a very wrong person.
hmm, maybe i should put this as a private journal entry. thats what i feel like i should do. hide away how i feel. never let anyone know. they dont want to know and i do not deserve their help.
ah well.
Last edited by PropheticStar : 16-01-2008 at 10:52 AM.
Oh hunni, its simply NOT true...WE would never hurt you or abandon you. And im sure the ppl in your life wouldnt either *hughs you*
ANd you DO deserve support and a shoulder :o)
I know this feeling, i have it too. It ends up making me a recluse for days on end
Keep talking hun, you can always PM too if you like
thinking of you
romp
I'm sorry you're feeling this way! I'm sorry I don't have any advice at the moment, nor a magic wand to make it all go away...but please PLEASE know that I do care about you, and about everyone here. YOU ARE Worth it!
xxxxhugsxxxx
-Kellie
First of all, you do deserve support... everyone needs a listening ear at some point and I am glad you have made a post. It's so hard when you can feel all your trust for people slipping away, especially if you have been hurt and betrayed many times in the past. Lonliness can feel like part of your heart missing, even numbness that doesn't go away. It may not be any consolation but you are never alone here. Urges are so easy to give into when your are feeling alone or are physically alone but remember how well you have done before. You know that you have beaten urges before. Is there anything that you could do to release these urges healthily? Perhaps writing (or scribbling if you feel overly angry), exercise? art? Perhaps even brainstorming your feelings can help you to understand why you feel like this. Hurting yourself may help you to deal for those few moments, but then what? In the long run it can't make things go away.
We are here to listen if you want to rant about your feelings or talk some more. Take care.
Love and best wishes,
Sophie.x
Soon... Now will be then...Today will be yesterday... Present will be past...And thought will be memory... So...Live for the future! Make your future how you want it!
*Holds you* Sweetheart Iam so sorry that you are hurting so much and feel so alone. Please remember that you do deserve our support and attention, there are so many people on here that care about you. I don't really know you but from what i have seen you post as well as others shows that you are very much a valued and respected member of this community. Please don't hide yourself from the world you have so much to offer and to be given. Shutting yourself out from everything doesn't help, believe me i have been there it only makes things worse. Let us here on RYL be here for you to support you through this rough time, we love and care about you very much. Don't hurt yourself anymore than you are already hurting, you desrve so much more than that. Please know I am here for you if you ever need someone to talk to. Take care of yourself
Kat xxx
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
you are a very special person. i know you prolly don't feel that way, but you are, and a lot of people would miss you, i know i definatly would. you help so many people, just because you are you, and because you are so special. and if you ever ever need anyone to talk to, i know a lot of people who would gladly listen to you, again, i am one of those people.
*hugshugshugshugshugshugshugshugs*
When times get tough, the best we can do is remember there is better to come. If we can hold onto this hope, then hope will keep us free.
And now, to add to the mix, I hear that my brothers girlfriend is worrying about the amount my little brother drinks. Our father is an alcoholic, which was bad. He used to hit my mum, then he turned around and hit me, and Mum realised it was time to get out.
I was three.
I dont want my brother to be our fathers son.
This on top of everything else, its suffocating. I cant take it. Im TRYING to sort my life out. Why cant it just be easy.
I cut pretty badly last night too. Max blood for minimum slicing. I havent cut in ages, and this was worse then my usual stuff. I had to throw up afterwards because my body reacted so violently to it all.
I need some good news, or some love, or, something to counterbalance all the crap thats going on.
Sorry, that was all a bit too much, and I wouldnt usually be so open, i just, im reaching out for something, anything, i guess.
*Wraps you up safe and holds you*
Sweetie, I don't really have much to offer but some love and hugs. Hang in there you can get through this. i'm here if you ever need to talk
Kat xxx
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
I'm so proud of you for opening up :)
Its so so soo hard to take when things go wrong when you're trying to sort everything out for yourself, I know. But, the fact you're admitting it is good Erin. Struggling is OK- because you will pull through, just give yourself a little time and dont be too hard on yourself.
I'm thinking of you honey, take care xxx
i cant tell you how much your words mean to me. im trying real hard not to just, clam up, and not let on how i feel. trying real real hard, but i feel it slipping. my need to reach out is being overwhelmed by my feelings of selfishness and worthlessness. "you dont deserve anyones time. **** off and let other people get help. selfish bitch"
ah the angry inner monologue. how it tears me apart. the little voice that tells me im worthless and selfish and annoying and horrible and disgusting and noone loves me and because of who i am i will always be alone. how on earth do you shut that voice up? its telling me to give up, cause ill fail, telling me to hurt myself because its all i deserve, telling me i will never be happy. telling me to delete this.
i know my brother is susceptible to drinking problems. just take a good hard long look at his sister. i drank last night to calm myself down, and i might do so again tonight. bit of vodka never hurt anyone, right? just a few drinks to ease the pain.
christ, listen to me. im going off the deep end and the bully popped my floaties.
im trying so hard to concentrate on the positives, but at the moment, they are far and few between...
ok, so as you may or may not have been able to tell, i have been a mess this past week. like, a huge mess. worse then i have been in a long time. resulted in some pretty bad cutting and a few nights of drinking. bad bad habits i was over. been having some pretty severe thoughts, and yeah, overall, ive been really really really bad.
and now, in this mindstate, i have to go for something i really want. for something that i percieve as being the start of my life getting better, getting ON track for a change.
i havent worked properly since early last year, when the people i worked for made up lies and fired me. i completely lost all confidence in myself, in my abilities. it wasnt the first job id lost, i lost two the year before, the first i was made redundant, the second, im not sure, they just said it wasnt working out. fair enough, that was pretty soon after williams suicide, and i was a drug taking, sleeping pill addict. but it was a huge blow to my esteem, which led to more sleeping pills, more drugs, more cutting, more od, etc etc.
but yeah, after losing the last job, bye bye confidence. it was ****ing terrible. i was convinced i would never ever amount to anything. i really truly was.
so i did temp work. no pressure to be good at anything. they expect you to be ignorant "youre the temp, we dont expect you to know, just do these really easy menial tasks"
now, in relapse mode, in "cutting myself really badly and drinking before bed" mode, with my employment history choking me. i have a second job interview for this job. i have been temping at this place, and had one interview, and my second one is tomorrow morning, and i am really panicking. near to the point of hyperventilating.
and my uncle said to me "i bet this is what they do to get the most amount of work out of their temps"
which didnt help.
and im not rpepared. im not calm enough to prepare. i want this job so much, but im just not going to be good enough to keep it. ****.
i need help. reassurance. advice. valium. anything. im really really not calm or good or, just help.
You will do fine at the interview. They wouldn't want a second interview if they weren't seriously considering you for the job. I think you might be having a bit of stage fright about the interview.
Vodka or valium or cutting won't make things any better.
Bandage yourself. Put on some classic hose and a professional smile. It will all come together as soon as you walk into the office. You'll remember why you want the job and what you like about being there. You told us all a few weeks ago how much you like the place.
You deserve to work there. You will be fine.
Hugs!
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
You're fabulous and you can do this, I know you can! This is a second interview- they like you and you can do this! You're doing so well and we're all proud.
Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself xxx
just to agree thwat if they diodnt weant you..why a SECOND interview??!!
Because they DO want you, they are impressed with what they have seen so far and want you on their 'team'. It IS very stressful, esp. that and other things you're having to face...
I wish you the very best of luck hunni.
I have faith you will get this.
keep letting us knpw ok??? And sooo proud of you for taking the step to reach ouit and not just keep quiet..keep practising it, it does get easier and it does help
here if you need Erin. *licks*
thinking of you
romp
i was also asked "when was the last time you cried at work and why"
what the **** did that mean? why ask me that? what the **** did that stupid ****ing psych test tell them about me.
ugh. i really dont want to go there today. i would rather take my low confident teary self back to bed and stay there under the covers until everything goes away.
