Triggering (SI) - **!!(triggering suicide)

[snoopdragon]

i dont know whats wrong with me i should be happy to be alive right now like a normal person would be but i still think about hurting myself or killing myself everyday i was hit by a car two days before thanksgiving i was lucky enough to walk away with just alot of bruises and pain iwent to work right after getting hit and everyone was really worried about me and happy to see that i was ok it made me feel so good to know people cared about me but when i came home all my mom had to say was maybe now i would have sympathy for her because of the pain she is in after that all i wanted to do is hurt myself she is one of the only people that knows about my si and she also knows that i have been in constant pain since i was 8 years old why would she say that to me when she knows the way i feel and what would do to deal with it i managed to not cut until about 2 weeks after that but when i gave in i cut too deep and the wound kept opening and it got infected i was afraid to say anything and it just kept getting worse and more painful on december 19 i had to go to the emergency room and they had to cut my arm open and let the infection drain for two days nobody knows that i cut myself and caused this infection to happen i was told i could have died from the infection because it had gone into blood poisoning and i dont care why should i care my own family doesn't what is the point of living when the people closest to you dont even care about you

[Pomegranate]

*hugs* Congratulations on those two weeks....that must have taken a lot of strength!

I am sorry about your mum, Some people say the most insensitive and hurtful things. The people you work with though clearly care a great deal about you.

I am sorry I have no advice but please keep fighting and stay strong x

[Snorkmaiden]

I'm sure your mum is just frustrated because she doesn't understand why you do what you do and while I realise her reactions do make things worse for you, I'm sure she's only frustrated because she loves you dearly and doesn't know how to help. I'm sorry you're feeling so low, try and keep your chin up xxx

[zowie]

The people you care about do care about you, it's just very hard to see when you're feeling so low and don't feel positive about yourself. The people above me have said it all about your mum, obviously we don't know your relationship deeply, but usually in these situations it's just because they care so much that it's starting to make them feel anxious or upset.
I'm sorry you had that infection with your cut, that must have been horrible. Why does no one know about it, did you feel you have no one you can confide in now? Did you not tell the hospital staff it was self-inflicted?
xxx

[snoopdragon]

thank you for trying to help me but i am starting think that there is nothing anyone can say or do to really help me anymore i have been awake for almost two days now and for the first time in a while i just lost control and cried because im starting to see how bad i have ruined my life i dont know what to do to fix it but i know i have at least one reason to keep trying to make it through the day zowie nobody knows because everyone thinks i stopped over a year ago. when the doctor asked how i got cut i told him what i used but i guess they didnt realize i had done it to myself. what my mom said to me about having sympathy for her and her pain was said after i was hit by a car not after anything i had done to myself so i dont see how my si could have anything to do with that there was no reason to say something like that to me when she knows i have been in constant physical pain since iwas eight years oldshe knows more then anyone else how bad it gets she was the one who used to stay up with me when iwas in so much pain i couldnt sleep.why would she say that to me when she knows how bad it gets

[snoopdragon]

i was finally starting to feel better and today im right back to wanting to cut all because of a couple of stupid comments in work today they were only jokes so why do i let them bother me so much i want to cut so bad right now and it scares me because of how deep i cut the last time and because of the infection i got from it i dont want to go through that again but i want bleed i just want to watch the blood run down my arms and to smell the blood i know i could do it and nobody would know i have always been able to hide it easily i dont know what to do iwant to stop doing this but evertime i try the next time i cut is always alot worse i feel like i should just give up that would be the easist thing to do juat keep cutting until i bleed to death whats the point of living any way i hate myself for doing this but feel like im out ff choices nothing else makes me feel better