I am posting because no one was in the chat room. I am 46 years old and I feel inconsolable. My husband of four years can't seem to get a decent job.
I am trying to get pregnant and by going through the thing done when working with an infertility specialist, have come to realize, retroactively, how horribly misinformed I am about my own body as a woman. It doesn't look very good for me to be able to have a child. IVF costs $15,000 and at my age, the highest success rate I can hope for is %50. My husband and I moved from the west coast to the east coast for a supposed dream job teaching art at the college level. My boss just pulled a trick on me and got me to agree to teach a class I hate in place of a class that had students who signed up just to study with me. I am so poor. I can't get ahead financially.
I am so unhappy and frustrated. I can't seem to make anything happen for me. I make my students feel so happy. I want some happiness for me and my husband. We can't make anything happen. I want to buy a home and at LEAST have a dog, if I can't have children. My husband wants to teach art, and since he is an artist, it seems only fair he should get a credential teaching that. That was supposed to be a practical move. Now I will be putting him through school while trying to teach full time and get pregnant, which is highly unlikely, even though they always say never give up. It's hard to keep learning all these percentages you body has to have to be able to ovulate and take lots of blood tests. My life seems to be about frustration; not having anything ever. I tried to talk to my father about this. He keeps trying to get me to look at the positives. I just wish my mother was alive. At least she could sympathize. I spent some time last year in therapy talking about leaving my husband and trying to meet someone else who was old(he is 10 years younger.) I met him when I was 41. IF I could just be 10 year younger, then I wouldn't feel suicidal. I feel like there is no hope at all. Yesterday I flipped out with rage and slammed every door in the house at least qo times yelling at the top of my lungs. I told my husband he should dump me for somebody younger who could have a baby and didn't have all this pressure to have more in live. It just seems like I keep waiting for the next decade of my life to be happy. 20's sucked, 30's sucked and now the 40's suck. At least there's a chance I could be with my mother and grandfather in the afterlife; not much granted. My childhood had its problems, but at least I loved my mother and grandfather.
I have had friends and certain blessings, like my mother and grandfather, but now I just feel hopeless and useless. My husband is tender and kind and adorable, but he can't get a job to save his life. I am 46 and this is supposed to be a happy time in my life. It totally sucks and seems to be getting worse every day. The only good thing in my life is some friends and that my husband is true, kind and cute. It seems by 48 he might ha ve a job by then. Like I said, the 40's are sucking big time. yesterday I kept saying I wished I was dead. I said it and yelled it over and over again. I got up this morning and said it again to myself quietly. Can anyone advise me? I can't see a therapist right now due to financial reasons.
Hi hun, I have just moved your post here, to Vets, this corner of RYL is where the older members of the forum have made there home and here you will find some of the kindest, most wonderful people on the site. Im sorry you found chat empty it does happen particularly at the weekend for some reason, although the board you chose was appropriate you may find that a lot of the members are teenagers or in there early twentys, here the members will find it easier to relate to what you are saying. So I hope this area will prove useful to you, the vets really are wonderful people. *Waves*
I really hope that things start to get sorted out soon for you, it really does sound like things are tough for you, I really really hope that IVF or whatever methods you try work and that you get pregnant hun, I will think of you and cross every finger and toe and hope for you. I cant be of much help with everything else, im only 19 myself, but welcome to RYL and if you have any problems feel free to contact me.
Thank you Aimee. It's amazing how just a little care from another person can lift another person's spirit. I will look forward to hearing from the other "veterans."
i just wanted to say hi and welcome. i also just wanted to say im sorry you're feeling so depressed and we're all here for you. hang in there.
"i find if kind of funny
i find it kind of sad
the dreams in which i'm dying are the best i've ever had
i find it hard to tell you
i find it hard to take"
"when your savings is dry
and you can't stop from crying
you got to suck it up"
I'm 41 and have had some career adventures of my own.
I kinda know what it is like trying to find a position teaching at the college level. I led some field trips doing environmental measurements then taught exactly one semester at a junior college. I also was unable to get a job doing environmental work, the job I got a MA to pursue and did a 2.5 year internship. So now I'm self employed as a seamstress. Go figure.
I also understand about wanting a house and a dog. We are building equity in a condo but we are not where we'd hoped to be. I'm so underemployed. We have an 18.5 year old cat and he's going senile.
I understand that teaching at the college level is very political. Can you hang in there? Suggest to the students that they talk to your boss?
Hang in there. PM me if I can be of help.
*Gives you a major soothing hug*
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
Thanks to you both for posting such wonderful thoughts. Just knowing someone cares makes such a difference. It seems small, but it's not.
It is heroic. Your support and quotes are going to help me , not only with these problems, but another family problem I have had since my mother's death. The quote about forgiveness is crucial.
I'll look forward to finding out how the quote helps you. One of my aa friends heard it in a religeous service and sent it on to me because he knows that I've been going through some pretty awful acceptance and other emotional work about my childhood incest and abuse issues.
Around me, don't worry about if it is God or Goddess. I figure masculine/feminine is a limit of the English language not of our higher power.
My God give you some peace.
Hugs, Blondie
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
