Usually, i only make posts when i reach the point that I cant actually get my brain to function, the point where I'm usually breaking down and totally losing it. However, I do have something on my mind, so i'm hoping that I can get some advice before I get to that point.
I'm looking for advice and I hope someone here will be more familure with the systems avalible.
So heres my diliema. My therapist asked me why im scared of opening up. She wanted me to think what my main reasons where for not talking. I came up with lots, most to do with the past. However, I also dont talk about the present and my reason for that, is im scared of the consequences. So heres where im stuck.
I live with my parents, whom I dont get on with and who I have my reasons for not wanting them to know anything about my mental heath. They know I have depression and about 6 months ago I had the crisis team out for about 2 weeks. That was alkward because I felt really uncomfortable with the family knowing.
At the moment, I think I am going down hill mental health wise. Im having a lot of bad urges sucide wise and self harm wise. Im in total destruction mode, no matter what i do to harm its not enough, I need more. I dream nearly every night of SI. I visually it specfically in my mind. I think constently of ripping my arm apart. Its covered in bruising but thats not enough I need to cut it, its like an addiction. I know i should stay away from my arms, there fairly clean. Yet just want to tip them apart. OD's have become a regular thing. Im makin all kinds of plans in my mind, which i know are not healthy. I have set a date in my head which I intend on sticking too. I feel detached from everything. There is no fear, i'm not scared of anything, I know im going down hill. Making plans, I dont feel relieved, I dont feel scared, I dont feel anything, just a strange sense of what will be will be in this sense. If that makes sense.
In a way, I dont want to tell my therapist about this, because I dont really want to be stopped, yet I think that I should tell her. But what is she likley to do? She knows I was in hospital last week for my SI, I was due to start witha psychotherapist in the new year, but that has been put on hold until I "get my SI under control"
If i conffesse all of the above to her, what do you think would happen?
I don't know what will happen if you tell your therapist.
Might you ask her what she plans to do?
hugs
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
Kim,
You have been so kind in the last few months to give advice, support and hugs to me. I am sorry that you have come to the point where you are, but I am here any way that I can to support you.
First of all, good job on asking us. Just because of your position here doesnt mean you cant ask. Secondly, *offers shoulder to lean on and cry on*
Kim, if you have a date set, you need to tell someone. Add 6 mos to the date. I know it seems trivial, but just giving yourself a few more months to improve would make you strive for it more, or better yet, find purpose and hope for you. It is not easy. I know, but you did say you are thnking, as long as not acting on the thoughts, right?
If you are to tell someone though, I think you know what would happen.
Start off though with the vivid dreams and see what your therapist says. Sjhe may be able to prescribe something to help you there.
I am sorry I suck right now at offering advice, but know I am thinking of you and that I will try to be of any assistance that I can .
My therapist cant prescribe anything, shes only really a councillor.
I am waiting on a referal to a psychologist, but she wants me to be in a better place before I begin that as it will be intensive.
Thanks for the surgsetion Rain, I have not told her I have plans, but I think she has guessed. She also surgested the thing with 6 months, but I honestly dont think I can do that, I havn the strength. The thought of 6 more months, terrfies the life out of me. Really, I shouldnt tell her any of this, Everything Im doing now is the right thing for everyone involved in the long term.
what will hapen? Ill tell you what i think.................
I think you will be "heard" for the first time in your life!
Love Matthew. xxx
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
I think before i posted this, i knew the answer.
She will surgest havin the home team again an of course i would refuse as it would mean rents find out.
Which im sure would then lead to her taking further action.
lose lose situation the way I see it.
Kim you are always here for us so please allow us to be here for you when you are struggling so much.
I don't have any wise words to make it all better but all i can say is telling your therapist can do nothing other than ensure you are heard as Matthew said and maybe make her/him realise that you need some practical support straight away.
Please feel free to PM.
Much love and hugs
Mary
xxxxx
"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift, thats why its called the present!"
I dont think I need any help honestly. At least not any extreme levels of help.
Evreything just feels so natural. Kinda like when you get up in the morning an you get dressed, you dont think about why you have to gte dressed you just do it. Its just one of those things. Thats what SIis for me at the moment. And for the first time in a very long time, things feel right. I feel like im doing the right thing.
The date I set is perfect. I feel relaxed about it and thinking about it can get me through the day.
I have decided not to say anything to her. I dont see any point in making her worry about things nor about telling my family.
Kim,
I'm not really sure what to say here :S I'm not very good at advice. Sorry. What I do know is that I really look up to you, youre a fantastic person for RYL, you help so many people on here. I wish I could do the same for you. I don't want you to do anything, I want you to be here for a long time, I certainly would hate to see you go. Please take care of yourself.
Miriam xxx
i had another dream last night.
In it, i did go to the doctors, but my mum was there again.
I didnt say much. Although i did sneak a look at my medical notes, which had the wrds faker written on it.
I also picked up some tips from my dream lol.
I took fairly regular ODs in it. I had never thought of takin that combination. ha thats probably wrong but oh well.
I hae wakin up after that type of dream.
I also got over another fear last night, which probably isnt good but oh well. Dosnt bother me now, feels kinda good to be honest.
*sigh* I wanna go back to dreamland. Where you can hurt yourself a thousand an one times an practice many differnt routes.
So im sitting in the bath contemplating about life as you do, and I thought. i really not normal to think about death all the time? I mean really, where all just bidding our time here anyway. Even those who are in perfect health, what do they do, they get up, they go to work, they come home an sleep.And yet for some reason they still want to bring kids into the world, they want others to do through the same thing. Life is just monitnous, there is no meaning of life, there is no pupose. In the end where all just bidding our time. Waiting till we die. So is there really anything wrong with wanting it to come sooner? Is there anything wrong with planning it. I just dont see what is wrong. Maybe im losing touch with reality, but who in the right mind really would want to live?
sometimes living is tough, for all of us. We're just blessed to feel the good stuff better then most people, and then the bad stuff is awful.
major hugs.
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
But living is what us humans do, we go through the stresses and strains to get to the good stuff. And there is some good stuff, we know that :). Kim, we love you xxx
hey Kim, sorry so late replying but how are you doing now?
Please speak to someone about this and try and get help....you are such a fantastic person and such an asset to RYL. I seriously doubt anyone that knows you believes what you are doing and planning is best in either the long or the short term.
kim what i just read is scaring me....you need to tell someone right away please! these thoughts are very serious and you need help! please don't kill yourself we can all help you get through this....
hmm
I think I can honestly say that I have no idea how I am feeling.
I have been away, drinking myself into oblivion the past few nights, which has been a great distraction as I had too much anxiety to even think about me an such.
However now I have the prospect of going home again later on an my mood has dropped back again to constant thoughts an plans.
Over the past 5 days, I have had 2 moments of what some people might reffer to as clarity. The first was about 3 days ago. I was thinking of my funeral. And suddenly an image of my dad came into my mind. He was devestated. The second moment was when I was out with my sister an she told me that she is refusing to go to any funerals this year as everyone is going to be healthy an there where too many last year.
At the time of these thoughts, they made realise how evil I am for wanting to do what I want to do. But after about 5 minutes, that kinda died away and I doubtwhat i thought. kinda like there is still no emoion attached to it. At the time i felt really guilty, but its gone. Perhaps im ust being selfish. I dont want to have to keep fighting. I dont want to extend my pain to lessen others. And that thought then leads back to the whole, see how evil I am it would be better if im not here.
As my set date gets closer, I am begining to feel relieved. Like this is something that I knowI have to do. I know deep down that this is something that has to be done. I need this.
