Triggering (SI) - Confusion Causes Pain

[jac]

i'm ever so confused can you help !!! How can i still love someone that stripped life from me, that made me into a horrible dirty distgusting person. How can i still love and see him and act like everythings ok. When because of this **** my own personnel life is falling apart and the only thing in my life is my partner but everyday i loose him. How can one person you trusted and looked upto make sure you are never happy when they say all they want is for you to be happy (Can you tell me ????) . I want peace the only way is death, i live in fear everyday that it will come out and so many lives will be destroyed and i cant cope with anymore pain.


I'm soooo sad i just wanna be happy, I need to be free and at peace, i'm so many different people with so many persoanlities who am i now !!!


I WANT A MORMAL LIFE WITH HUSBAND, KIDS, 2 DOGS AND LOVING ENVIROMENT BUT I WILL NEVER HAVE THIS.


I HATE HIM BUT LOVE HIM I WILL ALWAYS LIVE WITH PAIN !!!!!! THIS MAKES ME WANT TO SI AS I FEEL THE DEVIL CRAWLING IN MY VEINS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[pea soup]

im sorry im not sure what to say.
i do understand loving the person that hurt you.
it is very confusing but very common.
you arent alone in feeling this way.
please take care.
im sorry i dont have more.
much love.
xxxxxxxxx

[jac]

thakyou for replying to my posts i know its a head wrecker i'm always looking for the answers but can never find them x

[sixsixes]

I feel liek that alot, cept the person i love doesn't know i love them and theirs no way o telling them.
I feel like i want tlock lock myself in a dark room with anything, i feel like SIing too but i do one thing tha makes me happy: my happy place-Music.
Just find a thing that makes you hapy and at a low time use it.
Friends can do this aswell so just make your self appy!
Hope its help
Stephan! xx

[blondiebear]

You are not Horrid. You are not disgusting. Your father is horrid and disgusting beyond words!

This is the way I'm handling what happened to me:

Do not see your father or anyone in your family for a time. If you want to wait until the holidays are over for this time to start, that is understandable. The time you spend away from them can be open ended. Then for a while just refuse/decline invitations to spend time with them. Without explaination. Or the excuse I use is that I'm exploring my adult independence.

Get into therapy if you can.

Give yourself time to mourn and grieve. Learn to hate the perpetrator and what was done to you. Don't hate yourself. In grieving your messed up childhood you will be sad and mad and sometimes hopeless. Give yourself permission to feel these emotions in all of their mixed up messed up strength. Scream, cry, throw things.
Make sure you partner understands what is going on and that this isn't about them it is about you dumping the wreckage of the past.
I'm not destroying photographs but you can if you want. I don't need to because we refurbished our house last year with new floors and new paint. Photos of my mother, father and sister are not going back on the walls of my home!

Coming to understanding is a process and it takes time. Grieving is a process that takes time.
*hands you a box of tissues*
Lots of sympathetic hugs.