I havent cut in nearly 7 months...which is great (and yey for me)
7 months ago, I was cutting everyday and most were bad enough to need stitches...then I took an OD and ended up in hospital.
So...things are obviously much better now.
But I feel like Im falling into that darkness all over again.... the depression, the constant anxiety...its back. I feel so out of control.. again...I go from one extreme to the other, Im ok, then something tiny and worthless happens or nothing happens and I just come CRASHING DOWN. Constantly up and down, and I can't stand it.
All those thoughts of cutting, suicide are coming back, I've managed to ignore them, push them to the back of mind for so long... are they really going to take over again? Because thats what it feels like, thats where it feels like Im going. Again. And I can't. Please, I just can't.
Those feelings never really went anywhere, I know, they've always been there, Ive just been able to ignore them for a while.
Nothing has really happened to trigger this, I just feel like I'm slowly spiraling out of control again. Slowly falling into that deep pit of darkness which I struggled to escape from before. And I'm absolutely terrified.
Petrified.
I can't do this again. I really don't think I would make it through that again, it was so close before. Too close to not making it. I honestly don't think I could keep fighting if things got that bad again.
Panic. Terror.
Hatred.
And I know I should go back on my meds (I stopped taking them about 3 months ago and probably shouldn't have) but I cant face going to the doctors... admitting that Im not OK... again.
I'm sorry, I'm rambling, its just I'm falling... quicker and quicker
And if I hit rock bottom again, I don't think I have the strength to fight, I just can't take that again. I can't.
Last edited by Lora : 19-12-2007 at 12:05 PM.
I scream for the sunlight, or a car to take me anywhere, just get me past this Dead and Eternal snow.
And if the perfect spring is waiting somewhere, just take me there, and lie to me and tell me it’s gonna be Alright.
- Conor Oberst
*hugs* Going to the Doctors and admitting that you are not alright at the moment is not going to make the situation worse and it does not mean that you are failing or anything like that. I know it is difficult but going to the Doctors and even considering it is a sign that you are better and stronger than you were 7months ago and that should offer you hope. I know it is a cliche but recovery IS an ongoing process and sometimes it will be harder than others and we will need additional help. Please don't let things get as bad as before, speak to someone, even if it is not your Doctor....a friend or a counsellor...anyone but KEEP Fighting! xxx
Please go see your doctor. They won't say I told you so, they'll ask how can they help? The three months you've been off the meds seems to me like they're just now completely out of your system.
You don't have to go all the way to the bottom. Keep reaching out. Let the free fall slow down and end.
Please don't hate yourself. I understand. I have the feelings too.
*offers a hand out to catch you so you don't have to fall anymore.*
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
Hey hun, sorry to hear that your struggling, the only advice i can offer is please go back to your doctors, explain that your feeling low again and that you need to start back on your meds. If your not confident you will say what you need to in the appointment then write things down. If you want to just print this thread off and give it to your doctor.
Good luck, I hope you start feeling better very soon.
Big huggles and much love
Mary
xxxx
"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift, thats why its called the present!"
Are you seeing anybody for this problem?
If not I think you should.
Depression isnt cured instently.It takes time and all the underlying causes must also be dealt with.The sooner help is sought, the fast an more effective treatment is likly to be. You say you dont want to go through this again, use that as your motivationj for seeking help.
But also remember, you ar doing much better than you where, otherwise you wouldnt recognise the change now and you wouldnt be willing to look for help.
I was seeing a counsellor for about a month in feb but after 4/5 sessions she said she needed to refer me, and rang my doctor and got me an appointment with the mental health nurse at the hospital to speak to her and then organise some more long term counseling from there...
When I went to the mental health nurse appoint ment, my friend took me and I was very anxious while waiting so my friend was taking my mind of it and trying to make me laugh etc, when the nurse came and called my name I was laughing a bit...in the appointment I told her everything about how Id been feeling etc, and what she said was that i seemed happy enough in the waiting room because I was laughing, and that I didn't fit the profile for self harm because I had never been abused or been through a major/traumatic event (that caused the depression, anxiety and self harm), and she didnt refer me to anyone else.
You know I wish that... because i was laughing for a few minutes, meant that everything was ok,. and that I was happy the other 1400 or so minutes in the day, but I wasnt (and Im not), since when does laughing mean that the every other minute of every other day must be fine too, and I also didnt realise that I must be have been through abuse/traumatic event in order to self harm...I guess if Id known that I wouldnt have gone.
I scream for the sunlight, or a car to take me anywhere, just get me past this Dead and Eternal snow.
And if the perfect spring is waiting somewhere, just take me there, and lie to me and tell me it’s gonna be Alright.
- Conor Oberst
Thankyou all for your replies, im going to see my doctor again, and go back on my meds, hopefully that will help....
But as for talking/seeing someone about my depression/anxiety/SI, I dont think I can face that again after the people Ive seen before. Not yet anyway. Seeing that mental health nurse, just made me feel worse, and more worthless than I already did/do.
I scream for the sunlight, or a car to take me anywhere, just get me past this Dead and Eternal snow.
And if the perfect spring is waiting somewhere, just take me there, and lie to me and tell me it’s gonna be Alright.
- Conor Oberst
*cuddles* I hope the Drs apt goes well, take care, and there is no reason to believe that the meds wont help you again once you start taking them.
xx
L_M_G is my mummy :) inkerman and razorbladedarling are my two non-identical twin sprogs (concieved on same day) Scabette< cos she has the cutest puppy dog eyes and i cant resist!feeling-afraid< my bottle of glitter!! which i just have to have :Pmidnight stars< my gorgeous sister, whom i love to bits ;) Dance With The Fairy< *star*gazing*buddie :] Broken-Fairy is my partner in crime ;) little_miss is my real life saviour PaperClip is my stationary queen
the experiences you had with counsellor type people have been really crappy ones, but you can get someone you click with and it might help. its sometimes useful to chat to someone just to off load it all, especially when friends/family think youre ok.
*hugs* i hope your appt goes ok, im at the other end of the phone.
love you lottsss xxxx
"If only everyone could know and live with their inner craziness…people would be fairer and happier." Paulo Coelho
