Triggering (Sexual Abuse) - *Update* safe but so scared
Ok guys I'm sorry for writing a new thread on this but I have to be able to say it because if I don't I will lose another year fearing what happened, going over and over it until it eats me alive.
In the early hours of the morning, he raped me again.
I have spent most of today throwing up and cleaning up all the damage he's done to my body.
My mind is any place but here, I can't let it be so apologies if incoherent at the minute. Feel out of my body, just not with it.
Don't know what will happen from here but wanted you guys to know why if I can't cope with this anymore.
He did it again....I couldn't stop him, I swear I couldn't.
How can this happe twice, I blamed him first time but this is all my fault.
Can't get out this body, just don't wanna be here.
Last edited by hoping_one day : 14-12-2007 at 05:54 PM.
Reason: new info
Han7777777 is my dear RYL sister.
Ordette a.k.a prs100 is my RYL Daughter
*hugs you so, so very tight* hun i cannot put into words how wrong it is that you have had to suffer this, and from the sounds of it, more than once. are you living with the person who did this to you? *Holds close* if you are, i would strongly advise getting out if at all possible, if you are under 18 you can contact social services and if your honest they can move you, and if you are over, there are womens refuge centres and all sorts up and down the country set up to help you.
my pm box is always open, and im sorry i havent been more help
katy
xxx
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. Oscar Wilde
Its hard to dance with the devil on your back. Sydney Carter
This is not your fault. This is the fault of a monster. This monster needs to be put someplace where he can not hurt you or others.
It is okay if the feelings are intense. It is okay if all you do is curl up and cry all day!
Hugs and love
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
*gentle hugs*
I am so sorry that you had to go through that again. Please find somewhere else to go and tell someone what has happened, whether it be someone close to you or the police. Its not right what he did to you and you don't deserve to be treated like that. Its ok and very unstandable the way you feel, just be gentle with yourself. I'm here if you need to talk. Take care
Kat xxx
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
I'm so sorry, hun. I know nothing I say can take back what's happened to you but I just want you to know that I'm here if you ever want to talk. What happened to you is truly horrible but the only person to blame is the sick individual who did that to you. If you can't then that's understandable but if you can, try and get to the police now as the longer you leave it, the less evidence there will be. He doesn't deserve to still be anywhere apart from behind bars.
This was solely his doing and while it is a natural and common coping mechanism to blame it on yourself, I promise you have done nothing wrong.
this is so wrong, so so wrong. please tell someone hunni.
lots and lots of love to you
I'm sorry, I just cant think of the words to soothe your pain, it's too much, I'm so so sorry
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Please, please, PLEASE, take the evidence, call a friend if you have anyone local, and go to the police. I know it's hard, and the last thing you want to do right now, but I really think you need to get the authorities involved. This is NOT your fault, it is entirely the fault of your 'uncle', and you have got to protect yourself from future attacks and protect anyone else he might hurt. People who do this kind of thing rarely just do it to one person. I feel so harsh; I don't mean to be, I know you must be feeling awful now, and I know you said in a different post that you're scared of telling because then you'll lose the little family you have-- but hon, really, you can't just let this go, and you can't and don't deserve to live like this. If your family sides with your uncle, after he rapes you-- well, they're crazy, and maybe they will do that, and maybe you will lose them, but you are strong enough to make it without them. There are other people (I have what I call my 'family of choice' as opposed to my 'family of origin' which doesn't feel like much of a family) who will respect and love you like you deserve. You are capable of love and caring and creating relationships, and you can do that with people who will treat you the same way. What happened is awful, and I'm sure you've been totally conditioned to not fight and not make waves-- and I don't blame you AT ALL for what has happened. But what is at stake now is your life. The people who are supposed to help and support you aren't doing that-- that's awful, but it's true. So you've got to step away from them, from that, and try to make the kind of life you deserve. Try to think what you'd want one of the kids you teach to do if she were in your shoes. You deserve so much better than this. You need help-- you have been through a tremendous trauma. Of course you're dissociating, anybody would! Please, go get help. Please.
I'm not in the right place to be giving advice at the moment, but I couldn't ignore your thread, please look after yourself and sending you many many loving hugs and soothing noises.
35, married with 3 dogs.
SH (11yrs)
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My adoptive mum is Seraphsigh and my little sister is Mistakenly Beautiful
Monarkh thank you for letting everyone know I had moved from where he could find me.
I managed to get some sleep, but every time I closed my eyes he was there. Every noise made me jump and I can't seem to stop crying.
I just keep going back to what happened, and keep playing it over and over in my mind. I can still feel him, see him, everywhere I turn I'm back there and I don't know that I'm strong enough for this.
Sorry for the length of time before replying but I kept having panic attacks and then collapsed earlier this morning. I'm fine, it's just a reaction to what happened, but I was already beaten and bruised so this didn't help. Sounds stupid but I've spent all day trying to just lie down and not see his face everywhere.
I can't tell you how much your support means to me. It was the one thing that gave me the stength to go last night. After he did what he did, I felt I had nothing left to live for. No reason to go on fighting, but you guys showed me different.
Now I just feel numb. I've made my bed, my family will have nothing to do with me. That's my Christmas spent with the dog!
I just feel like crawling into my hole and disappesaring for good. He took all that was left that was good in me. I'm left with all these triggered thoughts and I'm scared.
Han7777777 is my dear RYL sister.
Ordette a.k.a prs100 is my RYL Daughter
I'm sorry that you're feeling so bad right now. But it's really great that you're safe from him. That was a very brave thing to do! Just try to take things easy for now, and remember that he can't do anything to you anymore. Keep talking to us if that helps.
As for Christmas, I'm sorry that you won't be able to spend it with your family. I think there was talk of a list of people on here who will be alone for Christmas or need extra support. Perhaps you can put yourself on it, and we can send you Christmas cards and make sure that you have people to talk to on Christmas.
I'm really glad you're safe Lou. *hugs*
Laura
"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." ~Mother Theresa
I am so proud of you for finding the strength to leave that situation...you are a strong person whether it feels like it now or not. What he did was wrong and I am sorry the rest of your family are not supporting you. You can get over this though. *hugs* xxx
if you went to a hospital and they got the police involved, you wouldn't neccessarily have to press charges, the police should press charges anyway. that way you could say you were found unconscious and the hospital and police did it all from there, maybe you wouldnt have to lose your family? mand x
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
